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March 23, 2005
Chicago Region
Well, don't ya know, it's time to reveal the results from the first round of the Chicago Bracket here at the Faux March Madness Tournament. Things are gettin' pretty crazy round these parts!
#1 Oprah Winfrey 76, #16 Jerry Springer 50. Undoubtedly this was a tough loss for Jerry to swallow, but Oprah is shaping up to be a juggernaut in this tournament. Jerry may have inspired legions of fans and a Broadway musical, but it's OPRAH FREAKIN' WINFREY. She could buy me, sell me into slavery, surgically turn me into a woman and then harvest my eggs, and nobody would bat an eye. She is that powerful, that all-encompassing.
#9 Jerry Reinsdorf 61, #8 Bill Wirtz 56. In this matchup, everyone's a loser. The tight-fisted owner of the White Sox barely edges out Bill "Alligator Arms" Wirtz, owner of the Blackhawks. Unfortunately for Reinsdorf, he now moves on to face the biggest spender of them all, Oprah.
#5 Sears Tower 66, #12 Hancock Tower 59. Ah, the battle of Chicago's landmark skyscrapers. They're both architectually fascinating buildings, and the Hancock Tower is in a geographically more exciting location, but I have to give this one to the Sears Tower. It's the tallest building in America, and it gave us this classic movie neuroses quote: "I think I see my dad."
#13 John Cusack 64, #4 John Malkovich 60. This was a tough choice. On the one hand, Malkovich is a highly-regarded actor who shows love to Chicago. Then there's Cusack, who despite not being terribly old, has racked up an impressive body of work. Cusack wins because Malkovich is plain weird; plus, Cusack starred in one of the most underrated movies of all time, Grosse Point Blank. However, it should be noted that Malkovich kept it close on account of Cusack having annoying (but usually funny) sister Joan.
#6 Clark St 61, #11 Lincoln Ave 55. These diagonal streets that serve as some of the North Side's main thoroughfares have a lot in common: restaurants, bars, fancy little boutiques. But man, Lincoln Avenue just annoys me sometimes, especially when it's 3 am and there's a traffic jam on my block because fifty bars just closed at the same time and every drunk asshole from Schaumburg needs a taxi to take him somewhere for a burrito.
#3 Hot Dog 70, #14 Italian Beef 58. This wasn't a particularly difficult matchup for the Hot Dog. I mean, have you ever had an Italian Beef? That shit is nasty! The hot dog didn't even need to show up to play, because it wins by default.
#7 Kennedy Expressway 69, #10 Dan Ryan Expressway 66. This was another tough matchup, but the edge has to go to the ole Kennedy. Sure, the Dan Ryan is the widest highway in the world, but it sucks major booty. It's all potholes, traffic jams and other assorted chumps. The Kennedy is no picnic, but at least it goes somewhere. The Dan Ryan, meanwhile, is great if you desperately need to go to Indiana or somethin', and who wants to go there?
#15 Alderman Tom Tunney 72, #2 Alderman Vi Daley 67. Tunney wins this one. Daley, the representative for Lincoln Park and Old Town, is a veritable institution. She's been in charge for, like, ages. But I also never see her. I have no idea what she looks like. Tom Tunney, on the other hand, was always out and about. Why, when he was first running for alderman, he was campaigning along Southport Avenue, the very same street this fine website is named for, and spotted me walking into my apartment with bags of groceries. He offered to help me with my groceries! Now that was cool, even though I know he was simply grandstanding. Here's to you, Alderman Tunney!
Mania! Well, that's it for the first round here at Squealer HQ. Check back tomorrow for results from the Second Round. Weeee!
The matchups for the next round in the Chicago Region:
#1 Oprah Winfrey vs. #9 Jerry Reinsdorf
#5 Sears Tower vs. #13 John Cusack
#6 Clark St. vs. #3 Hot Dog
#7 Kennedy Expressway vs. #15 Alderman Tom Tunney
Posted by oz115 at March 23, 2005 11:31 AM