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March 31, 2005
From the eww files
Ohio is great. Today I dropped my car off at Bob-Boyd Ford/Mazda to get my brakes checked. After I sat in the office for a few minutes, Stu the serviceman came back and said I needed to get something with the brakes fixed.
"Go for it," I said. He told me it would take two hours, so I walked over to the River Valley Mall, which is about a mile from Bob-Boyd.
The time at the mall was pretty nondescript. I went to The Gap, and decided on a new jacket that I think I might get. The walk there was something to behold, however.
About halfway through my walk, which took place along a four lane divided highway, as I was buzzed by pickup trucks and high schoolers in old Civics, I saw a big pile of bones along the road. They were dear bones, and as one would expect, there was no head. In Ohio, apparently it's acceptable practice to cut the heads off roadkills, mount them, and pretend like you shot the deer.
[A side note: I don't really approve of hunting for sport, but on the hierarchy of acquiring deer heads, hunting it definitely beats hitting it with your car.]
I was particularly amused by this because of that awesome story a few months back about the police officer in Des Plaines who took the head of a deer. At least nobody threw that deer at anyone, I think.
The one headless deer would have been strange enough. On the way back, though, I found *three* more deer skeletons without heads. What the shit? What kind of town is this?
Posted at 04:08 PM | Comments (0)
March 30, 2005
Politically incorrect death pool
Who's going first? Terri Schiavo or the Pope?
Though I am probably the odds on favorite the second I click "save" on this entry.
Posted at 10:37 PM | Comments (0)
Anything to make a buck
This is truly despicable, even if it is a rich source of potential consumers. Surely there must be a special corner of hell for these people.
WASHINGTON, March 28 - The parents of Terri Schiavo have authorized aconservative direct-mailing firm to sell a list of their financial supporters, making it likely that thousands of strangers moved by her plight will receive a steady stream of solicitations from anti-abortion and conservative groups.
"These compassionate pro-lifers donated toward Bob Schindler's legal battle to keep Terri's estranged husband from removing the feeding tube from Terri," says a description of the list on the Web site of the firm, Response Unlimited, which is asking $150 a month for 6,000 names and $500 a month for 4,000 e-mail addresses of people who responded last month to an e-mail plea from Ms. Schiavo's father. "These individuals are passionate about the way they value human life, adamantly oppose euthanasia and are pro-life in every sense of the word!"
Privacy experts said the sale of the list was legal and even predictable, if ghoulish.
Posted at 09:19 PM | Comments (0)
West Virginia style
If you've been following along at home, you know that I am back in idyllic Lancaster for the week. So, today I woke up to the most unpleasant news: a pipe in the house had broken, water was leaking everywhere, and the plumber was on his way. Additionally, everyone else had to go to work, so I was pinned with the responsibility of waiting around for the plumber.
Let me tell you something: waiting for the plumber sucks. Waiting for the plumber with no water in the house sucks doubly, because eventually you're going to have to go to the bathroom. But because there was no running water, I did what I had to do, which was go outside.
I had this big day planned, sort of. COSI up in Columbus has this exhibit of artifacts from the Titanic, so I was going to go look at that. But instead, I sat on the couch and waited for the plumber to show up.
When he did arrive, he did his thing, and told me that we needed a part which he could not get until tomorrow. So, I will have to do this all over again tomorrow. What did I ever do to deserve this?
Posted at 01:22 PM | Comments (0)
March 29, 2005
History Region, Second Round
Well kids, the History Region is set to send four teams to the Swell Sixteen. Which titans of antiquity will rule supreme in the second round? Let's find out.
#1 Sir Isaac Newton 94, #9 Rasputin 60. Wow, Newton embarrases Rasputin in this one. It looks as though the Mad Russian's luck ran out when he came upon Newton, who used his own particular brand of hard-ass physics to dispatch the monk. Gravity: it's not just a good idea, it's the law.
#4 Henry VIII 67, #12 Black Plague 61. The Plague had visions on going all the way, as one observor predicted, but this was not to be. Henry VIII was just too much, even for the plague to handle. Henry survived countless wives, so a measly old thing like the Plague isn't going to stop him.
#11 Panama Canal 57, #14 James K. Polk 55. This was a nailbiter, and the Panama Canal's cinderella run continues. I made great note of how Polk accomplished a lot for America, but the Canal snorts with contempt at the measly Mexican American War. Show me the money, says the Canal. And the Canal knows a lot about money. Oh yes, yes it does.
#2 William Tecumseh Sherman 67, #10 Percy Bysshe Shelley 55. This one almost got ugly. Sherman, the belligerent Lancasterian, sent Shelley packing. Maybe Shelley used the West Wind to beat a hasty defeat? Either way, Sherman said war is hell, and so is Faux March Madness. When Sherman told Shelley what was about to happen, Shelley may have replied, "you and what army?" Unfortunately for him, Sherman could respond with the Army of the Cumberland.
So, there you have it, the Swell Sixteen matchups for the History Region.
To recap, they are:
#1 Sir Isaac Newton vs. #4 Henry VIII
#2 William Tecumseh Sherman vs #11 The Panama Canal.
Posted at 07:01 PM | Comments (0)
March 28, 2005
I'm sleeping with the porcelain tonight
A fellow by the name of Aaron Gleeman writes an excellent blog that I've just discovered, and he put it to his readers to turn their iPods on shuffle mode, and then name the first 40 songs that appear. You might find the results strangely fascinating. I will now answer the challenge, and you can ridicule me, or take the challenge yourself. It's up to you, friends.
(Also, I just noticed that I tend to miss a few keys while typing. I think I am just not pressing them hard enough, so if you spot a funny spelling error, feel free to ridicule me on that, too.)
So, here goes nothing:
1. Givin' Up - The Darkness [not a good start -ed.]
2. Think Twice Before You Go - John Lee Hooker
3. Amsterdam, Live - Guster
4. Theme For Young Lovers - Percy Faith (Ocean's 11 soundtracker)
5. Nobody - Robert Randolph and the Family Band
6. What Katie Did - The Libertines
7. Going to California - Led Zeppelin
8. Blinding Sheets of Rain - Old 97's
9. An Open Book - Stephen Duffy
10. Run For Your Life - The Beatles
11. When The Stars Go Blue - Ryan Adams
12. The Old Apartment, Live - Barenaked Ladies
13. Heroes and Villians - Brian Wilson
14. Original Prankster - Offspring
15. Love In War - Outkast
16. Little Thoughts - Bloc Party
17. Let's Have A Baby - Candy Butchers
18. Cold Hard Bitch - Jet [the far better Dirty Sweet EP version, mind you)
19. Everybody Wants To Be Loved - Salim Nourallah
20. The Heart of Rock n Roll - Huey Lewis and The News
21. Fast As You Can - Minnie Driver [umm...]
22. At The Bottom Of Everything - Bright Eyes
23. Drowning In The Days- Old 97's
24. Turn Off The Light - Nelly Furtado
25. I'm Only Sleeping - Beatles
26. Pledge of Allegiance - Louis XIV
27. Julia - Fefe Dobson
28. Factory Girl - Whiskeytown
29. Daisy Duke - Rooney
30. Trick Me - Kelis
31. 24 Hours A Day - Bottle Rockets
32. Undone (The Sweater Song) - Weezer
33. What Happens Tomorrow - Duran Duran
34. Midnight Show - The Killers
35. Terrible Vision - Rhett Miller
36. Cheating On You - Franz Ferdinand
37. Kick Some Ass - Stroke 9
38. One Horse Town - The Thrills
39. Do The Evolution - Pearl Jam
40. Crawling King Snake - The Doors
Wow, can I say, that wouldn't be a bad mix CD whatsoever. Good shuffling, iPod!
Posted at 03:08 PM | Comments (0)
Bow wow
Meet Simon, the newest member of the family. The parents picked him up from the Franklin County Dog Shelter, and he is quite the character. Admittedly, he has a lot of work to do before he can live up to Indiana, but I'll give him a chance.
I can't really tell what sort of breed he is. My little brother reckons that he is partially chihuahua, which we be a first, since we've never had a Mexican dog before.
He does have one interesting trait: he'll look you dead in the eye, and do so for an uncomfortable long period of time. It's like somebody taught him to do staring contests. Jeepers creepers!
Nobody knows how he got the name Simon. That's the name the pound gave him, and we decided to keep it. My dad says it is after Simon the apostle, my mom Simon Cowell. I wanted to be difficult, so I suggested Simon Wiesenthal.
Posted at 02:56 PM | Comments (0)
Faux March Madness, Second Round
It appears I've been a little lax in updating the progress of the Second Annual Southport Squealer Faux March Madness bracket. Sorry about that, loyal reader.
I originally meant to do so on Friday, but then I almost died. Let me tell you about that.
See, I was driving Yoshi back to Ohio. I officially can't call Yoshi my new car anymore, since I've just gone over 40,000 miles on him. Apparently 40,000 miles is the time you are supposed to get new tires, because when I was on Interstate 70, just past the rest stop between Dayton and Columbus, when my car started shaking. The car kept rattling and rattling, which I thought was due to the grooves on the road from construction.
But then, a huge chunk of rubber flew up in my windshield, over the top, and off into space. Then some more rubber came flying, and I started swearing. I pulled over to the side of the road, as trucks whizzed by me at 70 mph, and found out that my front left tire was no more. It was literally in shreds, and the car was moving along on the rim. I would suppose that I was pretty lucky that this turn of events didn't cause me to swerve into another lane, where I would have been obliterated in a spectacular NASCAR-style crash, except nobody would be upset because I'm not Dale Earnhardt.
So you see, this tire business caused a slight delay, and kept me from updating my brackets.
It also caused me to forget until now another great story, but I am going to tell you anyway.
I stopped for lunch and fuel in Lafayette, IN, home to the Purdue Boilermakers. One of the things that annoys me is how people say it "Laff-ee-ette," instead of the proper "La-Fay-ette," but that's really not important.
In a fit of idiocy, I ate lunch at a family diner. I wanted to absorb the local color, and I surely did, in a most unfortunate way.
After my lunch of a delicious grilled chicken sandwich, an older lady got up from her table and started walking slowly towards the exit. The owner of the restaurant, a friendly woman, asked her why she was limping so.
Her response was burned in my memory. She said at the top of her lungs, so that everyone in the restaurant, which was basically just me, could hear her: "gout!"
I mean, damn. I didn't need to know you had gout. If I ever get gout, please reprimand me if I ever talk about it on here.
Now that I've caught you up, here's the results of the Sports Region, Second Round!
#8 Major League 66, #1 John Madden 64. Boom! Madden goes out with a thud. The coach may have made his indelible mark on pro football, but what on Earth does he do for pop culture in general? I mean, he goes everywhere in a bus and endorses an athlete's foot medication. Those are some shady credentials. Major League, of course, launched the career of Wesley Snipes. (Har har.) It also gave us a larger appreciation for Mr. Bob Eucker.
#13 Phil Jackson 60, #12 NFL Preseason 52. This wasn't as close as it looks. Phil may as well be the greatest NBA coach of all time, and that's before you consider the fact that he was able to keep Shaq and Kobe from killing themselves, for a little while at least. That beats the pants off a fourth string running back any day.
#3 James Naismith 76, #6 Golden Tee Golf 65. Golden Tee may be loved by millions, but Naismith's creation is loved by billions. Plus, basketball is a sport requiring oodles of coordination, speed and athleticism. Golden Tee, on the other hand, requires simply knowing how to make the ball curve when you hit that stupid launch button.
#2 Pete Rose 65, #10 Indianapolis 500 63. Charlie Hustle pulls out another victory. One of the hardest working men in baseball was able to outlast the 500-miler. But can Pete make it all the way out of the Sports Region? Don't bet on it!
So, there you have the results from the Sports Region. Two of the top three seeds were able to advance to the Swell Sixteen (tm), but not Madden himself, the #1.
Here are the matchups for the next round:
#8 Major League vs. #13 Phil Jackson
#2 Pete Rose vs. #3 James Naismith
Posted at 02:28 PM | Comments (0)
March 27, 2005
Set to stun
Now that I'm at home for Spring Break, I'm regressing to my normal bum self. My current mission: catch up on some old movie favorites, and the current target is Star Wars. I'm talking the original Star Wars with Harrison Ford, not that Liam Neeson shit.
But it got me to thinking: you know how when the storm troopers set their guns to stun and zap Princess Leia? And how every sci-fi movie, especially Star Trek, has phasers that can set to stun? Do you think they have the problems like the police do now, with people dying from the stun guns? Just here in Chicago, there's been three or four serious incidents of people getting taser'ed, and then going into cardiac arrest. And you know the Chicago Police Department is going to be reamed in several lawsuits because of this.
Wouldn't it be funny if Captain Kirk had to go to court because he stunned a Klingon, and he had a heart attack and died? "But... Your honor. It was set. To Stun!"
Though, they would have had 400 years to perfect the technology by then. Maybe in Kirk's time, they have figured out how to stun people without stopping their hearts? And do you think the principals in 24th century schools have stun guns? Why, they'd stun the whole school just for lookin' at him funny!
Posted at 10:52 PM | Comments (1)
Oy veh
So this is a first. I'm presently back at my parents' house, where I found a rather annoying letter waiting for me: it seems that I've been *waitlisted* at the U of Akron Law School. Now, I know this isn't a rejection letter, but it still hurts to have not been good enough to be admitted right away. To say I am annoyed would be an understatement, though I was prepared for something like that to happen. It makes me dread the letters from all the other schools I've been applying to. I'm not used to being denied when it comes to anything academic, so this is a first for me. But I will live to fight another day. Oh yes.
On a happier note, click here for my Chicago RedEye appearance in all its horror.
Posted at 07:00 PM | Comments (2)
March 25, 2005
I am going to be so famous now
Hey Chicago-area fans: if you can get a copy of today's RedEye, pick one up. I'm on page 18, and if I say so, I think I come off pretty well. Perhaps I'll scan it and post it on this fine website, though that probably violates copyright laws, or something.
Posted at 08:11 AM | Comments (1)
March 24, 2005
Faux March Madness, Second Round
Shiver me timbers, the Faux March Madness Tournament is into the Second Round! There were quite a number of upsets last time around, so let's see if some of the intrepid underdogs can advance to the Swell Sixteen (tm).
Let's look at the Entertainment Region today, shall we?
#1 Johnny Cash 71, #9 Will Ferrell 60. The SNL alum's season comes to a crashing halt when he meets Johnny Cash. Ferrell may have the laughs, but Johnny is too powerful. Do you really think Will Ferrell is going to beat the person who once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die?
#4 Tyra Banks 63, #12 Pinkerton 55. It pains me to send Weezer packing, but that's the way it goes. Tyra is enough to make any emo/power punk/pop recluse flip his lid and run around like a headless chicken, and that's exactly what she did to the boys from LA.
#14 Jessica Alba 60, #6 Fergie 59. This one was very close, but Jessica was able to pummel Fergie into submission. Let's face it, this one all comes down to, uh, bodies of work. Fergie does that swell dance in the "Hey Mama" video, but Jessica's hottie credentials go back far... I'm talking like 2001. Plus, she is a certifiable computer geek goddess, based on her "Dark Angel" run, so saying "Jessica Alba" as many times as possible is going to bring me lots of google hits. But I bet typing "Jessica Alba naked" will do that, too. Tee-hee!
#15 Jules Winnfield 69, #10 Tony Kornheiser 48. What a terrible way to end the season for TK! But really, did he stand a chance at all? Kornheiser argues all day, but I think he would meet his match in Jules. First, Jules could probably kill Kornheiser with his pinky, and then one has to also factor in appearance: Jules may have a goofy 'fro, but he is also a snappy dresser, which is important when you are a hitman.
So, underdogs Jules Winnfield and Jessica Alba continue to tear through the bracket! What will become of them next round? Stay tuned to find out!
Posted at 09:50 AM | Comments (0)
March 23, 2005
Consider this my living will
This Terri Schiavo mess has got me thinking. If I ever wind up in a similar, vegetative, no-hope-for-recovery state, I want you to pull the plug. If I am married to a bitchy, wants-me-to-die-for-my-money golddigger, feel free to file lawsuits to keep her from doing so, but not because I want to live as a vegetable, but because I want to spite her. Trusted friends will know whether she is an actual golddigger or not.
Should you decide to pull the plug, I want there to be a huge party. Roll a keg right into the hospital room, and play flipcup on my TV tray. Plug an IV stream full of beer directly into me, so I can be drunk when I die, but I won't really be drunk because I'll be braindead and won't know what's going on. But I bet I'll be able to feel the bass thumping from Fitty's latest hot track.
All my stuff should go to charity, unless you really want something. Then, wheover calls "dibs" first gets it. But I can't imagine why anyone would want any of my junk. You can't call dibs on my money in the bank. Use that to buy said keg of beer - so it's a good one and not some shitty beer, you cheap bastards - and then donate the rest to charity, but not the ones I might disagree with.
When I die, I want you to cremate me and spread my ashes all over the world, except for the state of Indiana, because I don't want to spend the rest of eternity there. Or Vietnam, because I don't think I've ever been to Vietnam.
Whoever wants to take over this website can do that, too. But you had better not lose interest in it after a week, like 95% of bloggers do. You can use it to make fun of me, because I won't be around to defend myself. But that wouldn't be too nice.
So it is said, and let it be said.
Posted at 03:58 PM | Comments (0)
Chicago Region
Well, don't ya know, it's time to reveal the results from the first round of the Chicago Bracket here at the Faux March Madness Tournament. Things are gettin' pretty crazy round these parts!
#1 Oprah Winfrey 76, #16 Jerry Springer 50. Undoubtedly this was a tough loss for Jerry to swallow, but Oprah is shaping up to be a juggernaut in this tournament. Jerry may have inspired legions of fans and a Broadway musical, but it's OPRAH FREAKIN' WINFREY. She could buy me, sell me into slavery, surgically turn me into a woman and then harvest my eggs, and nobody would bat an eye. She is that powerful, that all-encompassing.
#9 Jerry Reinsdorf 61, #8 Bill Wirtz 56. In this matchup, everyone's a loser. The tight-fisted owner of the White Sox barely edges out Bill "Alligator Arms" Wirtz, owner of the Blackhawks. Unfortunately for Reinsdorf, he now moves on to face the biggest spender of them all, Oprah.
#5 Sears Tower 66, #12 Hancock Tower 59. Ah, the battle of Chicago's landmark skyscrapers. They're both architectually fascinating buildings, and the Hancock Tower is in a geographically more exciting location, but I have to give this one to the Sears Tower. It's the tallest building in America, and it gave us this classic movie neuroses quote: "I think I see my dad."
#13 John Cusack 64, #4 John Malkovich 60. This was a tough choice. On the one hand, Malkovich is a highly-regarded actor who shows love to Chicago. Then there's Cusack, who despite not being terribly old, has racked up an impressive body of work. Cusack wins because Malkovich is plain weird; plus, Cusack starred in one of the most underrated movies of all time, Grosse Point Blank. However, it should be noted that Malkovich kept it close on account of Cusack having annoying (but usually funny) sister Joan.
#6 Clark St 61, #11 Lincoln Ave 55. These diagonal streets that serve as some of the North Side's main thoroughfares have a lot in common: restaurants, bars, fancy little boutiques. But man, Lincoln Avenue just annoys me sometimes, especially when it's 3 am and there's a traffic jam on my block because fifty bars just closed at the same time and every drunk asshole from Schaumburg needs a taxi to take him somewhere for a burrito.
#3 Hot Dog 70, #14 Italian Beef 58. This wasn't a particularly difficult matchup for the Hot Dog. I mean, have you ever had an Italian Beef? That shit is nasty! The hot dog didn't even need to show up to play, because it wins by default.
#7 Kennedy Expressway 69, #10 Dan Ryan Expressway 66. This was another tough matchup, but the edge has to go to the ole Kennedy. Sure, the Dan Ryan is the widest highway in the world, but it sucks major booty. It's all potholes, traffic jams and other assorted chumps. The Kennedy is no picnic, but at least it goes somewhere. The Dan Ryan, meanwhile, is great if you desperately need to go to Indiana or somethin', and who wants to go there?
#15 Alderman Tom Tunney 72, #2 Alderman Vi Daley 67. Tunney wins this one. Daley, the representative for Lincoln Park and Old Town, is a veritable institution. She's been in charge for, like, ages. But I also never see her. I have no idea what she looks like. Tom Tunney, on the other hand, was always out and about. Why, when he was first running for alderman, he was campaigning along Southport Avenue, the very same street this fine website is named for, and spotted me walking into my apartment with bags of groceries. He offered to help me with my groceries! Now that was cool, even though I know he was simply grandstanding. Here's to you, Alderman Tunney!
Mania! Well, that's it for the first round here at Squealer HQ. Check back tomorrow for results from the Second Round. Weeee!
The matchups for the next round in the Chicago Region:
#1 Oprah Winfrey vs. #9 Jerry Reinsdorf
#5 Sears Tower vs. #13 John Cusack
#6 Clark St. vs. #3 Hot Dog
#7 Kennedy Expressway vs. #15 Alderman Tom Tunney
Posted at 11:31 AM | Comments (0)
March 22, 2005
Faux March Madness, History Region
Allright, enough ranting about vegetative ladies, let's get back to the F-U-N!
Here's the results from the third region in the Second Annual Faux March Madness Tournament, the History Region!
#1 Sir Isaac Newton 71, #16 Galileo 60. Galileo put up a valiant fight, but it's going to be mega hard to unseat Newton. Galileo was quite the revolutionary, and he earns bonus points for standing up to the Church - AND earning an apology, albeit 500 years later - but Newton. I mean, come on. Without that guy, we'd still be using hand-operated can openers instead of pull-off lids, or, even worse, wooden barrels for beer!
#9 Rasputin 55, #8 Ivan the Terrible 51. Rasputin was a survivor, pure and simple. Despite numerous attempts on his life, Rasputin cheated death for years while still managing to profoundly infuence the Russian royal family. Ivan, meanwhile, was the original czar who enjoyed a relatively pain-free reign until he plunged Russia into an unwinnable war. Ivan, you gone.
#5 Black Plague 78, #12 Influenza Pandemic of 1919 69. Oh this was a tough one indeed. The Pandemic wiped out millions and millions of people worldwide, but the Black Plague is Old School. It literally wiped cities off the map, and terrorized Europe for centuries. Now largely wiped out, except in India, we can all chuckle at the Black Plague. Here me, God? I am chuckling at your creation! Oh... that is the end of my eternal soul!
#4 Henry VIII 62, #13 Edward VIII 49. This basically comes down to which English king is more morally corrupt: Edward VIII, who abdicated the throne in the 1930's to marry American divorcee Wallis Simpson, or Henry VIII who married, then executed or exiled, his wives when they failed to produce a son who would inherit the throne. Now, one could argue that Edward should win this because true love trumped ambition, and they would probably be right. But I am making the decisions here: Henry wins. Not only did Henry give the finger to tradition, he founded a whole new church simply to get his own way. Why, that'd be like if George Bush decided to dump the federal government because it was too much of a hassle. Uh...
#11 Panama Canal 64, #6 Suez Canal 61. This is another tough one. On the one hand, we have the Suez Canal, which enabled expanded trade between Europe and Asia without having to go overland or around the Cape of Good Hope at the southern tip of Africa, thus saving months of sailing time. On the other hand, there is the Panama Canal which provided a similar function for North America and Asia. In terms of engineering, the Panama Canal was a near-disaster, taking decades and thousands of lives to build. But, the Panama Canal cemented America's dominance in this hemisphere, and was instrumental in winning WW2. Panama sends Suez packing.
#14 James K. Polk 66, #3 James Monroe 64 (ot). Uh-oh, we have an upset on our hands! Indeed, Monroe, the fifth president, did a lot for the country, including the Monroe Doctrine, which told the European countries to "step off" in matters concerning the New World. But, Polk also oversaw the acquisition of California, the decline of Mexico's influence, and the general strengthening of the country. Plus, Polk is fun to say.
#10 Percy Bysshe Shelley 55, #7 John Keats 51. Ah, the Romantic Poets. So young, so tragic. Keats is probably slightly more famous than his counterpart Shelley, but I'll be damned if I am going to read "Ode on a Graecian Urn" again. Shelley also was a practicioner of free love, and I am not going to argue with that.
#2 William Tecumseh Sherman 78, #15 Nathan Bedfort Forrest 64. This is the battle of Civil War generals. Forrest was an interesting figure: anyone who saw "Forrest Gump" knows what secret organization he founded. But he also was a master tactician, who summarized his philosophy thusly: "get there fastest with the mostest." Sherman, meanwhile, marched to the sea, burned Atlanta and is presently one of the most hated men in the South. He also refused to run for President, despite an almost guaranteed victory. Plus, he hails from this commentator's home town. Here's to you, Cump!
So there you have it. Not as many upsets in this round as last time, but here's the History region's second round matchups:
#1 Sir Isaac Newton vs. #9 Rasputin
#4 Henry VIII vs. #12 Black Plague
#11 Panama Canal vs. #14 James K. Polk
#2 William Tecumseh Sherman vs. #10 Percy Bysshe Shelley
I tell you, this time of year is amazing. One might even say it's Madness. Check back tomorrow for the results from the all-important Chicago region!
Posted at 01:14 PM | Comments (0)
Gag me
I'm getting pretty salty about this whole Terri Schiavo thing. The more I read about it, the more disturbed I get.
As far as I'm concerned, this has nothing to do with sanctity of life and things of that nature. The courts continually rule in favor of removing her feeding tube, until somebody overrules the judge and puts her back on life support. Now Congress is involved, and it reeks of opportunism.
Now you all know I am not too high on Republicans at this point in my life, and this is another reason. Republicans are all uppity about how government should not get involved in the private lives of people, or about how some matters are better left to the states to decide, or even about judicial activism. Yet, they still pull off stuff like this.
That was kind of heavy. Sorry about that. To offset that, here's a joke:
Q: What did the mother buffalo say to her son when he went to school?
A: Bi-son!
Ha ha ha!
Posted at 09:30 AM | Comments (0)
March 21, 2005
Bury me now
Now I know all of you love when I rant about how I feel like I'm ancient because I'm 25 years old. And I know some of you wish YOU could be 25. Sorry pal, I don't have the luxury of hindsight just yet.
But here's yet another sign I'm getting old. Two, actually.
First, I'm sitting on my couch, in my newly-rearranged living room, when I get to MTV while flipping channels. In my younger days (ie 2 years ago), *I* was the MTV demographic. But today, I came across MTV while "Spring Break" is on. They played videos of coeds running around in bikinis, grinding on some hapless drunken 18 year old dude with their supple and toned bodies. And it occured to me (doubly emphasized when I typed "supple") that *I* am too old for them. I am a dirty old man. Now, sure, some college girls dig older dudes - Scarlett Johanssen, call me - but that's because I'm older, not because I am necessarily otherwise desirable. And hey, that sucks. But I suppose I can always just get them drunk, eh?
On the other hand today, I am in Elmhurst today eating lunch at Roly Poly. As I enter the restaurant, I am greeted by three MILF's with three equally adorable children. Now, I make a conscious effort to, well, ignore children. These particular children were running around the store, playing some sort of choo-choo train game. Most of the time they were no more than two feet from me, playing along, oblivious to me. I, meanwhile, stoically read my newspaper.
This went on for about twenty minutes, as the MILF's chatted among themselves. Finally, one of the mom's came over to me and said "sorry for ruining your lunch." Aww!
Now this means something to me: that I am grown up enough to be annoyed by children. I mean, sure I look all important when I go to work because I'm wearing a tie and junk like that. But am I distinguished enough to be worthy of an apology on behalf of someone's kids? I was waiting for one of the kids, pushed by her mom to "talk to the gentleman" and apologize. That makes me feel old, fo' sho'.
Posted at 08:49 PM | Comments (0)
Legislate me, baby
Sorry, I have to take a break from the tournament for this. As a guy, part of my duty is to make note of hot chicks (that is the proper time, by the way), and tell other guys about it.
So, I give you this lady:
Debbie Wasserman Schultz, Congressional Representative for the 20th District in Florida. Damn! Her website is pretty useless, so I can't give you much more info about her. But whatever; I think we all know why she got elected.
Posted at 02:23 PM | Comments (0)
Updated bracket
If you are desperately in need of a bracket for the Faux March Madness Tournament, click here
. It's got the winners on it and everything!
Posted at 02:11 PM | Comments (0)
Faux March Madness: Sports Region
Hey ho, it's Monday, which means it's time to reveal the results of the first round in the Sports Region in the Southport Squealer Faux March Madness Tournament!
#1 John Madden 66, #16 John Madden 49. Dizamn! Blowout city, baby! Dickie V, the most blustery man in the solar system, can't hold a candle to Madden, the de facto King of All Analysts. Maybe Vitale should try real analysis some time? You're on the All-Greyhound Team, baby! Take the bus back home!
#8 Major League 69, #9 Bull Durham 67. Oh I am sure this is going to spark a lot of controversy, but Major League simply outlasted Bull Durham in the end. Yes, Bull Durham is one of the greatest sports movies of all time, but I like Major League. Bull Durham has understated elegance, while Major League slaps you silly with its improbable tale of underdog accomplishment. Don't give me that ole bullshit!
#12 NFL Preseason 61, #5 NBA Regular Season 55. Oh damn, who would have seen this one coming? Sure, the NBA Regular season matters, but there is a pure comic joy to the NFL preseason. You don't think football is too complicated until some undrafted rookie out of the Big South Conference tries to lateral on a punt return only to toss the ball directly to a 400-pounder on the other team, also an undrafted rookie, who proceeds to run the wrong direction and "score" a touchdown. Then, Random Dumbass Football Commentator can say, "Well Dave, they're cut."
#13 Phil Jackson 71, #4 Mike Ditka 60. Dear oh dear. Ditka is probably one of the most beloved sports figures in Chicago history, but he can only ride the coattails of a Super Bowl victory for so long. It was 20 years ago! Zenmaster Phil cooly shuffles his way to an upset of Da Coach.
#6 Golden Tee Golf 71, #11 Billiards 65. This is simply a case of old vs. new, and new wins out. You can play billiards anywhere on this planet, and chances are you suck at it. Golden Tee, however, is much more sublime. There is no chance that you are good at it. Yet, Golden Tee makes you feel like you are at the actual golf course, and you and your friends can pretend that the women think you are awesome because you hit a good shot at Golden Tee. Sorry to say, they are not.
#3 James Naismith 59, #14 Abner Doubleday 51. This is a pretty cut and dry case. On one side, you have James Naismith, the undisputed inventor of basketball. On the other hand, there is Abner Doubleday, the Civil War hero who supposedly invented baseball one day in Cooperstown, NY. Like most creation stories, it's an utter fabrication. Nice try though. But at least Doubleday was at Fort Sumter. Eh?
#10 Indianapolis 500 60, #7 Daytona 500 55. This was another tough one, but I have to go with the Indy 500. And it all has to do with the type of racing. Stock car or open-wheel car. Good ole boys vs dashing European types. Then, there are the festivities: last year at the Indianapolis 500, I saw such luminaries as Shooter McGavin himself, and the delectable Melissa Joan Hart. Who did the Daytona 500 have? Ashton Kutcher. Like I'm voting for him!
#2 Pete Rose 89, #15 Jose Canseco 60. This goes to show that Jose has a lot of catching up to do in the scumbag department. Pete, the Hit King, has been at this for nearly 20 years after his banishment from baseball. He bet on baseball, he didn't bet on baseball. Make up your mind! But in the meantime, make sure to charge $50 for an autograph at baseball card conventions.
Ah yes, what an exciting round! Here are the second round pairings for the Sports Region:
#1 John Madden vs. #8 Major League
#12 NFL Preseason vs. #3 Phil Jackson
#3 James Naismith vs. #6 Golden Tee Golf
#2 Pete Rose vs. #7 Daytona 500
Wowie zowies, kids! Check back for more results tomorrow.
Posted at 12:08 PM | Comments (0)
March 18, 2005
Faux March Madness, Entertainment Region
Whoa Doctor, it's time for some results for the first round of the Second Annual Southport Squealer Faux March Madness Tournament. It's been a typically eventful first round so far!
Click here if you want your own handy-dandy version of the bracket!
Entertainment Region
#1 Johnny Cash 68, #16 Waylon Jennings 60: The Battle of Bad-Ass Country Artists. Waylon is one bad mofo, but how can you compete with the Man in Black. It can't be done! The #1 overall seed advances to the next round.
#9 Will Ferrell 71, #8 Jude Law 70. Overexposed vs. Over"exposed." This was a tough battle, but Will Ferrell simply outlasted Jude Law. Jude may be the sexiest man alive, but Will is one of the Funniest Men Alive. And every woman will tell you a sense of humor is important, nyuk nyuk nyuk.
#12 Pinkerton 65, #5 Love Angel Music Baby 56: The Battle of Japan Fetish Albums. LAMB is tearing up every radio, but Gwen's ebullience is no match for Rivers Cuomo's pathos. El Scorcho and co. scorch Rich Girl. A typical 12/5 upset, eh?
#4 Tyra Banks 61, #13 Paula Abdul 50. The Battle of Reality TV Moguls. Look, I love Paula Abdul, but she may as well be steak and blowjob lady for Randy and Simon. Tyra, on the other hand, rules "America's Next Top Model" with an Iron Fist. Plus, she's hot.
#6 Fergie 55, #11 Craig Ferguson 50. Fergie vs. Fergie. The token female of the Black Eyed Peas uses her rock-hard body to squeeze the life out of the new Late Show host. Ferguson hampered because they don't have basketball in Scotland.
#14 Jessica Alba 77, #3 Jennifer Garner 70. Grrl vs Grrl. Jennifer Garner is establishing a box office presence, but Jessica is set to blow up the box office with a flick of her wrist. Garner's linebacker-like shoulders fail to impress, and Jessica Alba moves on.
#10 Tony Kornheiser 66, #7 Ray Barone 65 (ot). Battle of Televised Sportswriters. Everyone may love Raymond, but Tony Kornheiser has the moves. Tony wins despite awful TV version of life starring Jason Alexander.
#15 Jules Winnfield 66, #2 Mace Windu 60. Samuel L. Jackson vs. Samuel L. Jackson. This is an upset! Mace Windu may be a Jedi, but Pulp Fiction's hitman is a Bad Motherfucker. I don't see Mace quoting the Bible before shooting somebody, do you?
So, there you have the results of the first round in the Entertainment bracket. Amazing.
Here are the pairings for the second round:
1 Johnny Cash vs 9 Will Ferrell.
4 Tyra Banks vs 12 Pinkerton.
6 Fergie vs 14 Jessica Alba.
10 Tony Kornheiser vs 15 Jules Winnfield.
Posted at 12:10 PM | Comments (2)
Interesting
The problem with doing this is that you don't get one of those pink and white bags:
POLICE BEAT
Between 7:30 p.m. and 7:56 p.m. Wednesday two women entered Victoria's Secret, 1635 River Valley Circle and stole 70 panties.
The loss was estimated at $560, according to a Lancaster police report.
Now look, I'm all for Victoria's Secret, but what is the deal with those pink and red bags? Maybe somebody can correct me if I'm wrong, but I notice a lot of women use their Victoria's Secret bags for carrying stuff other than unmentionables. For example, I saw a girl at the gym carrying her workout clothes in one of those bags. Why can't you get a duffel bag? Do you want people to know you shop at Victoria's Secret? Then you can complain when I look for an extra hal f second at you, because that makes me a pig.
In my graduate classes at dear old DePaul, there was a girl who used to come to class every day with a Victoria's Secret bag. I never did find out what was in it, but she had it every day. I'm thinking, either she buys a lot of underwear, or that is one lucky Braeburn Apple she is saving for a snack.
As for me, I don't get the whole paper bag as carry-all thing. When I buy something from the store, I keep the bag it came in around just long enough to fill it with old newspapers. Then I dispose of it with the proper authorities. If I am bringing shit to class, I am going to put it in the swell little khaki bag I bought at the army surplus store, not one of those stupid little brown bags from Bloomingdales.
Posted at 09:30 AM | Comments (1)
March 17, 2005
More March Mania
Allright kids, here's the rest of the brackets for the second annual Faux March Madness Tournament!
History Region
#1 Sir Isaac Newton vs. #16 Galileo
#2 Gen. William Tecumseh Sherman vs. #15 Gen. Nathan Bedford Forrest
#3 President James Monroe vs. #14 President James K. Polk
#4 King Henry VIII vs. #13 King Edward VIII
#5 Black Plague vs. #12 Influenza Epidemic of 1919
#6 Panama Canal vs. #11 Suez Canal
#7 John Keats vs. #10 Percy Bysshe Shelley
#8 Ivan the Terrible vs. #9 Rasputin
Entertainment Region
#1 Johnny Cash vs. #16 Waylon Jennings
#2 Mace Windu vs. #15 Jules Winnfield
#3 Jennifer Garner vs. #14 Jessica Alba
#4 Tyra Banks vs. #13 Paula Abdul
#5 Love Angel Music Baby vs. #12 Pinkerton
#6 Fergie vs. #11 Craig Ferguson
#7 Ray Barone vs. #10 Tony Kornheiser
#8 Jude Law vs. #9 Will Ferrell
Sports Region
#1 John Madden vs. #16 Dick Vitale
#2 Pete Rose vs. #15 Jose Canseco
#3 James Naismith vs. #14 Abner Doubleday
#4 Mike Ditka vs. #13 Phil Jackson
#5 NBA Regular Season vs. #12 Preseason Football
#6 Golden Tee Golf vs. #11 Billiards
#7 Daytona 500 vs. #10 Indianapolis 500
#8 Major League vs. #9 Bull Durham
And, there you go. Your brackets. Check back tomorrow for results of the first round... and, as always, please, no wagering.
Posted at 10:08 AM | Comments (2)
March 16, 2005
Mania!
Guess what? It's time for the Second Annual Southport Squealer Faux March Madness Tournament. Ben Franklin pulled off the upset last year, but who on Earth will be this year's winner?
First, we must reveal the brackets. There are once again four regions this year: Chicago, History, Entertainment and Sports.
Let's take a look at the Chicago bracket:
#1 Oprah Winfrey vs. #16 Jerry Springer
#2 Alderman Vi Daley vs. #15 Alderman Tom Tunney
#3 Hot dog vs. #14 Italian beef
#4 John Malkovich vs. #13 John Cusack
#5 Sears Tower vs. #12 Hancock Tower
#6 Clark St. vs. #11 Lincoln Ave.
#7 Kennedy Expressway vs. #10 Dan Ryan Expressway
#8 Bill Wirtz vs. #9 Jerry Reinsdorf
Why, there's a veritable moutain of people who can win this bracket! Who the hell knows what will happen? Check back tomorrow for the rest of the seedings, and then the mania can begin!
Posted at 03:58 PM | Comments (0)
Adventures in Wonderland
Yesterday at about 10 o'clock, I decided that I needed to rearrange my living room. For whatever reason, I enjoy doing that. When I'm finally done, it makes me feel like I'm living in a whole new place. That feeling lasts for about four days, and then I am bored again.
Last night's remodeling was especially hard because I tried to move all my bookshelves without actually taking books off of it. This was not smart. I was soon picking books off the floor and trying to decide where to put them in the new universe I was creating.
This went on for about an hour, until I was satisfied that sufficient progress had been made. I sat down to revel in the newness, when I made an awful discovery: the TV was positioned in such a way that I could not see it while sitting at my desk. D'oh! Now, if I want to multitask by watching TV and frittering away at my computer, I will have to either get some of that wireless shizzle for the house or be satisfied to listen to the TV, which honestly is all I do half the time.
So, this morning I had to stop off at a school on the Northwest Side to pick up some test booklets. I was so far north, that when I had to start driving to the office I wound up on Higgins Road.
I made a left-hand turn, and suddenly I was transferred into a strange new world: a security barrier, a grim security guard, and the legendary gated portion of Rosemont, IL.
For whatever reason, half of Rosemont is surrounded by a fence. I mean that, it's a fence. There's no climbing over that bugger.
As I soon found out, the only way in or out of the place is through this security gate. The crack security guard waved me through without hesitation, and I was la-la land. There was barely any traffic, and the cars that I did see were the undercover cop cars that look just like regular cruisers except they have no lights or painting on them.
I thought I could drive down this street and exit the gated portion on the other side of town, but that was not the case. But after being unable to find another way out, I sheepishly returned to the gate that I used to gain entry. I could swear that the unmarked cop cars were following me, and it was relief to get outside this creep gated portion of Rosemont. At any rate, my shortcut ended up making me 20 minutes late for work.
Posted at 12:30 PM | Comments (0)
March 15, 2005
How to waste time
I've discovered the most vexing thing ever. It's no secret that I get distracted easily, and lately I've been distracted by a most interesting problem: can I successfully put a staple into a pencil? Try it, people, it's hard. In order for it to count, the staple must go completely into the pencil, and have no part of its edge sticking out the other side. For an added challenge, try it with one of those ridged pencils as opposed to the ones that are completely round.
Posted at 03:24 PM | Comments (1)
March 14, 2005
Mania!
Would you believe it's once again time for the NCAA Tournament? I think the tournament is one of the greatest inventions in all of sports, but it still manages to piss me off to no end. I am especially upset because Buffalo's own SUNY-Buffalo Bulls got the shaft this year. However, WNY will still be represented by the Purple Eagles of Niagara, and the Canisius Golden Griffins in the women's tournament. But I digress.
The main target of my contempt is the selection committee. I am not going to get into an argument about whether the 6th-best team in the Atlantic Coast Conference is more deserving of an invite to the tournament than the second-best team in the Mid-American Conference, but rather the way they create the matchups. Every year I am constantly annoyed at how they deliberate the pairings and have to decide who gets a #1 seed instead of a #2 seed, etc.
If I had it my way, we would pick the 65 teams, have a random draw, and send them on their way. Sure, there are the odds that Duke and North Carolina could get a first round matchup, but those are the breaks. I suppose that I should be much more upset about commentators, who alternately dissect and drool over these brackets like they are characters on Sex and the City. For example, analysts are already wetting their pants over the prospect of #1 seeded Duke vs. #2 seeded Kentucky in the fourth round of the tournament. I find it unbelievable how they continue to look ahead like this despite the fact that the seedings almost never hold true. I have no statistics, but I'll bet that less than half the time the last game in any particular region features the #1 vs. the #2 seed. That, as they say, is why they play the game.
And then there's Bryant Gumbel, who during the selection show invites viewers to fill in their blank brackets as they are announced. Who in their right mind is going to fill in a bracket by hand when every single newspaper in the country has a broadsheet sized one in their sports section today? When they do get the brackets, every single Cubicle Nostradamus will fancy himself an expert on the Eastern Kentucky Colonels, and could give you fifty reasons why Wisconsin-Milwaukee will beat Alabama.
Yes, it's a special time. Soak every ounce of Billy Packer bluster up into your veins, because the college basketball season is almost over. But please, don't tell me anything more about the potential match-ups in the Sweet Sixteen.
Posted at 12:49 PM | Comments (1)
March 13, 2005
This makes me feel better about myself
Hey, at least I don't bother with this kind of stuff!
Posted at 09:56 PM | Comments (0)
March 11, 2005
New hobby
Lately I've been having a lot of fun solving cryptoquotes, the witty sayings that are written in a secret code in the newspaper puzzle section. For the longest time I thought those things were impossible, but when I sat down and started working at it, it didn't take too long to solve.
I suppose I fancy myself to be like one of those WW2 code breakers, except I am not trying to crack something rendered with an Enigma machine. Nevertheless, they're fun puzzles if you have an idea how to solve them.
Posted at 03:18 PM | Comments (2)
March 10, 2005
Baxter, you know I don't speak Spanish
BENTONVILLE, Ark. - Prosecutors hoping for a witness in a murder case to roll over were barking up the wrong tree.
They sent out a batch of subpoenas for anyone who had contact with Albert K. Smith while he was jailed awaiting his murder trial. One of those subpoenas went out to 5-year-old Murphy Smith — Smith's dog, it turned out.
The defendant had written his dog a letter from his cell, and that is how the shih tzu's name got on the witness list.
Prosecutors realized the mistake on Tuesday after the defendant's brother brought in Murphy to answer the subpoena and a deputy would not let them into the courthouse because no dogs were allowed.
Prosecutor Robin Green said she apologized to the brother for any inconvenience, and added: "The dog was friendly enough and probably would have been a very cooperative witness."
Albert Smith is accused of shooting to death his ex-wife's boyfriend.
Posted at 12:48 PM | Comments (0)
Blimey
My flight to Chicago was a blizzast. We touched down at 5 o'clock in the morning, and the descent into O'Hare took me directly over the North Side. Even though it was dark, the sky was clear as can be and I could see the entire city: Navy Pier, Wrigley Field, the big-ass intersection of Ashland, Belmot and Lincoln. Then, as we got closer to the airport, I saw an entire block that was sealed off by police cars. There were about fifteen police cars, with lights flashing wildly, on the block. Now I know why they were there: they were raiding this guy's house. Interesting, yet freaky.
Posted at 07:51 AM | Comments (0)
March 09, 2005
Correction
I know that before I said one of the movies I associate with San Francisco is The Rock, but I think I must correct myself. The first movie I thought about when considering San Francisco was "Star Trek IV, The Voyage Home." By far this is my favorite Star Trek movie, because it has the comical plot line of the crew of the Enterprise having to go back in time to kidnap a hunchback whale in order to save humanity. They arrive in SF, circa 1986. My favorite scene is when Kirk nearly gets hit by a taxi, and when the driver calls him a dumbass, he responds with "double dumbass on you!" Yeah, I'm a nerd.
Anyway, I am presently at the San Francisco airport, awaiting my flight home. I leave at 11 Pacific time, land at 5 central time, and roll into work bright and early the next morning. This is what they call a red eye, I am gathering. I think I am going to be a total mess tomorrow, but that is my own fault.
Thursday night, I am going to do something absolutely petrifying, but it must be done. So as not to spoil the surprise, I won't tell you just yet. See ya later, knuckleheads.
Posted at 11:44 PM | Comments (0)
March 08, 2005
The San Francisco Treat
Hi diddly hi. I'm still here in San Francisco. It's a sad truth that I tend to associate cities with movies that I've seen. For example, Boston is all about Good Will Hunting. San Francisco is about The Rock. So, with that in mind, you have no idea how impressed I was when I found out that the hotel I am staying in is the very same hotel that Sean Connery broke out of, stole a Hummer and caused Nicolas Cage to chase him through the streets. As soon as I get home, I'm going to find a copy of The Rock and verify this.
Anyhow, we've done quite a bit of sightseeing. Today we went to Chinatown, where my dad ate some chicken which made him get violently ill. I did get to drive the car though, which is awesome because I love zooming through the city streets. I found a street called Osgood Street, which in any other city would be called an alley. It's a block long, and about ten feet wide. In our travels, we met a fellow from New Jersey who has Osgoods in his family. Apparently Osgoods like to hunt down streets with their name on it. We all had a good, embarrased laugh over that.
Later, we went to the Mission Dolores, which is the oldest building in San Francisco. It was founded days before the colonies declared independence in 1776. It was a fascinating tour, especially because the place is still a working church. I eat that kind of stuff up with a spoon.
Afterwards, we went to the flicks. We saw "A Very Long Engagement," which was alternately very pleasant and very grim. And, at nearly 2 and a half hours, very long indeed. But I can deal, because Audrey Tatou is smokin'. Oui oui! It had some of the more realistic scenes of WW One combat in a movie, ever. I recommend it, along with "Paths of Glory," which I saw a few weeks ago and has a very similar theme, but a less happy ending.
So, that's it for me. Vaya con dios.
Posted at 11:20 PM | Comments (1)
March 07, 2005
Losers whine about their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen.
Can you guess where I am? That's right, I'm writing to you from sunny San Francisco, CA. It's been awhile since I've taken a vacation, and my mom convinced my dad to go to a conference in the City by the Bay. Like any self-respecting 25 year old, I jumped at the opportunity to tag along.
We're staying in a hotel called the Fairmount, which apparently is one of the ritziest hotels in the world. According to my dad, and he is rarely wrong about these things, the hotel's entire business is founded on abusing corporate expense accounts. For example, breakfast consisting of a piece of bacon, some toast and an OJ is $20. Or, if you want to plug in to the high speed internet, which is complementary in almost every hotel in the world, including the Homewood Suites on Dick Road in Cheektowaga, NY, is $15 a day. What the fuck is that! Consequently, I dragged my mom to a Starbucks so that I could check email and write in this here blog. The only email I got was from a guy at work who is trying to sell me a $1500 piece of software that we don't need. Little does he know that I have no power to buy stuff. So yes, thanks for making me feel loved.
San Francisco, by the way, is the hilliest place I have seen, ever. It's like they built a city on the Appalachians. I went for jogs the past two mornings, and I almost died because I was alternately running down a 40 degree incline and then running back up it. Our hotel is on top of a hill, so there is no way around it. It's torturous, I tells you. I'm not used to that sort of stuff in Chicago, where the only hill you are going to find is a pile of dirt.
That's where I am today. It is nice to get away, and to feel the ocean breeze. It is a balmy 65 degrees. Despite the hills, I am having a wonderful time. I'll try and write more later, but don't worry about me if I don't!
Posted at 11:32 AM | Comments (0)
March 04, 2005
Can't keep a good pet down
Here's a cute story about soldiers in Iraq who go to great lengths to rescue adopted pets, despite the fact it's against the law:
To wartime troops facing death every day, the soft eyes and moist nose of a stray dog or cat bring a comfort akin to home.
But that innocent animal can get a soldier severely punished -- a reduction in rank or even a court-martial. Under the military's General Order 1A, deployed troops are prohibited from adopting a pet. Period.
Yet untold numbers of service members in Iraq are doing just that. And once they get attached to these unofficial mascots, they go to extraordinary lengths to transport the pets stateside.
It's an underground railroad of sorts, much of it headed by former animal control officer Bonnie Buckley.
"It's something I struggle with every day: Am I doing the right thing?" Buckley said from her home in Merrimac, Mass. Since 2003, her organization has raised thousands of dollars and brought about 50 animals into the country; 30 more are en route. She also sends dog and cat food and supplies to troops, who contact her by e-mail.
Posted at 12:54 PM | Comments (0)
Who says I'm not a perfectionist?
I just spend fifteen minutes trying to record the perfect voicemail greeting. It was a lot like Will Ferrell in "Old School" trying to leave a message to his estranged wife, except I didn't invite the caller to have a "meal of food." I think I'm going to try it again.
Posted at 10:22 AM | Comments (0)
Yeah baby
What's the deal with the new McDonald's radio advertisements? For about the past year, they've been runnings ads that are thinly disguised as radio-friendly pop and urban songs.
They have a new one that sounds like Barry White, and it ends with an interesting come-on to the ladies in the house who want to down an Egg McMuffin: "Studies show that Egg McMuffins and yogurt parfaits have similar effects." Well... What the heck? I mean, maybe egg does make your skin healthy, but is the kind of person that worried about your skin actually go to McDonald's? The comical part to me is how this did not flow at all with the rest of the ad, and seemed like it was tacked on at the end. You know... "Hey, this thing tastes great and it's only 99 cents for a limited time. By the way, it'll make your skin look better." Okaaaaaay!
Posted at 09:50 AM | Comments (0)
March 03, 2005
Play ball
The end is nigh. There's baseball on the radio! It's a frosty 20 degrees here today, but spring will soon be here. Huzzah!
Posted at 02:05 PM | Comments (0)
Here's an idea
In Ohio nowadays, if you get caught driving drunk too many times, they'll make you put a yellow license plate on your car. But here's a better idea: why not stiffen penalties for people who actually do drive drunk?
In many European countries, for example, any drunk driving offense means your license is gone AND a three or four month hitch in the local jail. Now obviously I can't prove the two are related, but European countries have drunk driving rates far far lower than the United States. Wouldn't you think twice about rolling home in the car after six beers if you knew you'd be in the dock for a year? I know I would!
Posted at 08:50 AM | Comments (0)
March 02, 2005
My moment of glory
I think the wackiest thing ever is about to happen to me. Apparently I am going to be in the RedEye, the Tribune paper aimed at the hip under 30 crowd. I'll be a guest panelist in the "Five on Five," which is when they ask five people five questions about sports topics of the day. The panelists then attempt to give humorous responses, and occasionally they'll respond seriously just to throw everyone for a loop. Fridays are Fan Fridays, and so every week a fan gets to answer the questions. I'm going to be one of these fans. I'm already ratcheting up the snark. They're going to take my picture and everything. I'll have to find a way to sneak a plug for this web site in there, ha ha ha.
Now, it's possible the Trib is saying I'll get to be in it, and then I'll never hear from them again. Admittedly, this is what happens with jobs, girlfriends, and potential room mates, but I can deal.
Let's practice, shall we? Amazingly, I have no old Red Eyes chilling in the house, so I'll just have to answer the three questions that I can remember.
Now that he has been released, what is next for former Bears no. 1 draft pick David Terrell?
My lame-o response: Becomes lesser-known part in NFL Wheel of Fortune "Before & After" puzzle with Terrell Owens.
What is your prediction for the Fighting Illini basketball team?
My lame-o response: Both Dee Brown and Deron Williams propose to Jen, but she picks little-known Fred Nkemdi instead.
What do the 1,709 new bleachers in Wrigley Field really mean?
My lame-o response: 1,709 more people can toss beers at Barry Bonds.
Thanks, I'll be here all week.
Posted at 09:54 PM | Comments (0)
First Brad and Jen, now this?
If these two crazy kids can't stay married, what hope is there for me?
Posted at 08:59 PM | Comments (0)
"Geez!"
Poor Ron Santo once again missed out on Hall of Fame induction, falling short by 8 votes from the Veterans' Committee. His next chance comes in 2007. As many people have pointed out, if Phil Rizzuto is a Hall of Famer, so is Ron Santo.
Posted at 02:15 PM | Comments (0)
Snow day
Apparently it snowed about a few inches in Central Ohio yesterday. The whole region is shut down on account of the blizzard. Meanwhile, it snowed two inches here Monday night and nobody batted an eye. I could sure go for a snow day right about now!
Posted at 09:50 AM | Comments (0)
March 01, 2005
Too much information
Apparently the Chicago Food Inspection Division has all of its inspection reports online. You can find the latest report for almost every establishment in the city on the site, which can lead to some disturbing revelations. Luckily for me, all my favorite haunts seem to have passed, except my preferred pizzeria, Pequod's. How about that alliteration!
Actually, that'd be a good tongue-twister. Peter Peterson prefers Pequod's Pizzeria. Try it!
Sorry. As I was saying, Pequod's failed their inspection. Maybe that's why I always get sick after eating one of their ridiculously delicious slices of pie. You can search for your own favorite establishments here. Try it out, it's nifty.
Posted at 02:28 PM | Comments (0)
Photo op
Here's my team photo from the Hustle up the Hancock. That's me in the back; I'm the one who's not a girl. I love our official team t-shirt. It's so very utilitarian. No logos n' shit like that.
Posted at 10:55 AM | Comments (1)