« Faux March Madness, The Penultimate Four | Main | My own worst enemy »
April 11, 2005
Faux March Madness, the championship game
Would you believe that we're down to the last matchup in the Faux March Madness Tournament? It seems like only yesterday we were pondering who would win in a matchup of Jessica Alba and Jennifer Garner. But now, 64 participants have whittled themselves through mortal combat, sheer will, and pure attrition to two remaining contestants: Phil Jackson and King Henry VIII. It is, indeed, a matchup for the ages. The winner will join last year's champion, Ben Franklin, in the Southport Squealer Hall of Fame.
So, who is going to take the crown this year?
Phil earns a lot of points because, as previously mentioned, he coralled such diverse characters as Dennis Rodman, Shaquille O'Neal and Kobe Bryant well enough to win millions of NBA Championships. Undoubtedly, Phil's accumulated personal wealth must rival that of Henry VIII. Phil, it is fair to say, is one of the most successful coaches in basketball history.
But, what of Henry VIII? Historians have long argued the course history may have taken if Henry's first son had not died in infancy. Would he have gone apeshit, dumped Catherine of Aragon and go on to marry five other women in a singular quest to produce a mail heir? Would he have severed ties with the Catholic Church? The man was a behemoth!
However, Phil Jackson must edge Henry in the looks category. While it is written that Henry was handsome in his youth, a jousting injury left him hobbled and morbidly obese. Phil is gigantic, but not slap-your-mama ugly. He scraps back in this category.
In the end, however, Henry VIII pulls away for the win, by the score of 78-73! It surely is no coincidence that the two winners of this tournament have come from the History Region. Phil just couldn't stand up to the legacy of Henry.
Congratulations to you, Henry VIII! You're the winner of the Second Annual Southport Squealer Faux March Madness Tournament. I'll see you in Disney World - you might like the Pirates of the Carribbean.
Posted by oz115 at April 11, 2005 11:33 AM