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April 29, 2005
The $20 million scissors
This story made my day. As a person who often uses rock-paper-scissors to resolve a dispute, I am impressed that it made it this far up the food chain.
t may have been the most expensive game of rock, paper, scissors ever played.
Takashi Hashiyama, president of Maspro Denkoh Corporation, an electronics company based outside of Nagoya, Japan, could not decide whether Christie's or Sotheby's should sell the company's art collection, which is worth more than $20 million, at next week's auctions in New York.
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He did not split the collection - which includes an important Cézanne landscape, an early Picasso street scene and a rare van Gogh view from the artist's Paris apartment - between the two houses, as sometimes happens. Nor did he decide to abandon the auction process and sell the paintings through a private dealer.
Instead, he resorted to an ancient method of decision-making that has been time-tested on playgrounds around the world: rock breaks scissors, scissors cuts paper, paper smothers rock.
In Japan, resorting to such games of chance is not unusual. "I sometimes use such methods when I cannot make a decision," Mr. Hashiyama said in a telephone interview. "As both companies were equally good and I just could not choose one, I asked them to please decide between themselves and suggested to use such methods as rock, paper, scissors."
Officials from the Tokyo offices of the two auction houses were informed of Mr. Hashiyama's request on a Thursday afternoon in late January.
They were told they had until a meeting on Monday to choose a weapon. The right choice could mean several million dollars in profits from the fees the auction house charges buyers (usually 20 percent for the first $200,000 of the final price and 12 percent above that)
Posted at 06:35 PM | Comments (1)
Start the morning off right
I couldn't help but notice that when faced with a stressful sitation, some people are bound to say "I love stress. I eat it for breakfast."
How come nobody eats stress for lunch? Or dinner? Dare I say, can you eat stress for brunch? I would think that you can't eat stress for brunch, because people under a lot of stress probably don't have the time to go to brunch.
Brunch has always been leisurely, I thought. I don't think I like brunch - I've never had it. If I miss breakfeast, I wait until lunch. I may have a snack until lunch, but not a full-fledged meal. Eating at 10:30 in the morning? No thanks.
Posted at 02:42 PM | Comments (0)
Don't do the crime if you can't do the time
Those cookies are expensive. No wonder they can't pay!
Girl Scouts Sue Deadbeat Cookie Buyers
WAUKESHA, Wis. - Girl Scout cookies aren't free, as a few alleged deadbeats are about to find out. One scout group has filed small-claims lawsuits against people who failed to pay up.
Christine Slowinski, communications director for the Girl Scouts' Great Blue Heron Council, said the legal action Thursday came only after several efforts to collect the money from sales of cookies in the annual fund-raising campaign over the past two years.
The amounts owed by two couples and three other women ranged from $301.42 to $1,485.68.
"We call many times before taking this step," Slowinski said. "We send them letters. When all else fails, this is our last resort."
Form letters that preceded the legal action read, "Please note that nonpayment for Girl Scout cookies represents fraud," and advised the non-payers to arrange a repayment plan.
Posted at 12:30 PM | Comments (1)
April 28, 2005
Damned if you do, damned if you don't
I was listening to the radio on my drive to work this morning, as I always do. An e-mailer into the show posed a dilemma: the maintenence guy at her apartment complex came by to fix the gate leading to her building, and when he was done, he asked her for a date. He did so by noting that "since I did this for you, you owe me something." (Or something similar.) The woman was horrified, and wondered if the man was actually serious, and by extension, do all men think that if we do something for a woman, we are entitled to a date?
Numerous women then called into to the show to share their stories of being hounded by repair, delivery, and other dufus guys. Some of them were sort of creepy, as is to be expected. There was a lot of indignation and denouncing of men as filty scumbags.
However, I am pretty agitated at this whole discussion. Here's why: it's only creepy if the woman is not attracted to the man. Supposing the UPS guy dropped by, and he was a good looking man. All the ladies in the office are leering at his rugged good looks. Then, when he is done moving packages and picking up paperclips that were somehow accidentally dropped, he walks out the door. I would say that is very likely that at least one of these women would have said yes had the good-looking UPS man proposed a date. They're probably fantasizing about it and calling him an idiot for not asking the question.
On the other hand, maybe the UPS man is ugly. Maybe he's boring and vapid. If this man asks out a customer, he is suddenly a disgusting creep. He may even merit a slap in the face or an angry call to the employer. All of a sudden, this is like Moses smashing the Commandments with a hammer.
It's all based on how the woman feels. The man is basically in a no-win situation. In practice, not many people are downright gorgeous or fugly. There's usually a middle ground, where most men are going to fall. How is he supposed to know? Indeed, he can't.
It has been established that most men know absolutely nothing about women, and this only adds to the problem. All men want is to be with women, and they are certainly going to try to get them. Sometimes they make mistakes. But I don't think it's fair to start dropping creep labels on men for something like that.
Posted at 02:08 PM | Comments (0)
Reading hour with Oz
I'm a pretty big reader, though admittedly the prolificness of my reading has declined lately. I used to read so much, in fact, that my mom once installed a timer in my room to make my lights go off at a certain time. But that was a long time ago, indeed. I've been trying to remedy that, and as such have taken up reading before I go to sleep at night.
I killed the book Assassination Vacation in about a week. It was an enjoyable book to read, because it has the perfect blend of history and pop culture minutae that I so unsuccessfully try to incorporate here on occasion. My only complaint with the book was that author Sarah Vowell (aka Violet from The Icredibles) spends just a little too much time decrying the war in Iraq and the asinine leadership of George W. Bush. Nonetheless, I recommend that one.
Now I've moved on to Mimi and Toutou's Big Adventure, which has a title strangely reminiscient of a chick-lit tearjerker (I'm talking to you, Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood), but is actually about an attempt by the Royal Navy in World War I to transport two small ships by train, over mountains and through jungle to Lake Tanganiyka in Africa. There, they would challenge the Germans for control of the lake. This was important because if the Germans dominated the lake, they would then conceivably conscript the natives and send them to the Western Front, overpowering the hapless British.
I don't know how it ends yet, but I have a feeling it is not going to turn out favorably for the British. The expedition is led by a arrogant, buffoonish officer of the Navy named Spicer-Stimson. In reading the book so far, the man reminds me of David Brent, the maligned lead character on The Office. He thinks he knows all and in turn, all love him, but it is the opposite. For example, on the trip from England to South Africa, a passenger on their ship is pointing out constellations to his companions. Spicer approaches and tells him he is completely wrong, until eventually the passenger walks away rather than argue. As it turns out, he was the Astronomer Royal of Cape Town. Priceless!
Posted at 10:43 AM | Comments (0)
April 27, 2005
Run for your life
I wrote yesterday about the escaped bison in Maryland. It doesn't look like this story will have a happy ending, for the bison, at least. According to the New York Times story, the owner of the bison is planning to do in the herd:
But they gave their owner one headache too many. Gerald Berg, who raised the bison on his cattle farm in Stevenson, started his day by jumping on an all-terrain vehicle and chasing the escaped animals. Mr. Berg has been raising bison for about eight years, he said, but no more.
By midday, as the last of the bison were being herded into the trailer, Mr. Berg had decided their fate.
"It's out of hand," he said. "They're going to the slaughterhouse, and they're going to be buffalo burgers."
Damn, dude! Talk about a killjoy. It has always been my policy, that if I ever managed a slaughterhouse or abattoir, I would spare the life of any animal who managed to escape. But if that became common knowledge, I would have to rethink my policy. I think Mr. Berg should implement a similar policy for these freedom fighting bison. And really, what animal is more noble than the mighty bison?
When I was five or six, my parents had the brilliant idea to purchase a couple sheep. I don't know why, but I always thought one of these sheep was named Carlos. Sheep may look cuddly, but they are mean s.o.b.'s. They would knock down the fence and run through the neighborhood, terrorizing our sheep-sized dog, Stanley. Finally, my dad got rid of them. I wonder if he sent them to the slaughterhouse, too? My hunch is he didn't, but who really knows? Maybe he has a heart of stone like Mr. Berg.
Posted at 02:32 PM | Comments (0)
Time for lunch
Great God almighty:
Well, Here's Your Trouble Right Here, Sir...
Wed Apr 27,10:41 AM ET
BANGKOK (Reuters) - Doctors found around 50 maggots in the ears of an 84-year-old Thai man after he went to hospital complaining of an itch.
Wednesday's Nation newspaper said Anan Temtan, who lives in the tsunami-hit southern resort island of Phuket, had used cotton buds to relieve the itching, but had scratched so hard his eardrums ruptured and started bleeding.
"We believe flies might have gone inside his ears to lay eggs, which hatched into larvae and caused the itching," said Somsak Nonthasri, the doctor who treated him.
Somsak, who used tweezers and a small suction device to remove the maggots, said Anan would be kept in for observation for a while to make sure no more eggs hatched
Posted at 01:25 PM | Comments (1)
Nice way to start the day
I had the most incongruous thing happen to me this morning. I was standing in my living room, trying to put my tie on without looking in the mirror, when I looked out the window at the church across the alley.
A mallard duck was looking right back at me through the window. One of the things you might not know about me is that I love ducks. I think they, along with penguins, are two of the funniest animals on the planet. In my unofficial ranking of funny animals, penguins and ducks are the top two, while cows round out the top three.
I have no idea why the duck was there. There's no ponds in the immediate vicinity. Though Lake Michigan is 3/4 of a mile away, I don't think a duck would have waddled all the way there just to sit in an alley.
Either way, I watched the duck for awhile, and he watched me. After about fifteen seconds of this meeting of the minds, he turned away, and I went about my business.
Posted at 08:45 AM | Comments (1)
April 26, 2005
It's cause of the weather
According to what I am guessing is a dubiously conceived survey, Buffalo is the 11th-happiest city in America, while my haunts of Indianapolis and Cleveland are some of the most depressed. Not surprisingly, Philadelphia and Detroit walked off as the two most depressed cities. The study is based on anti-depressant sales, suicide rates, and self-reported feelings of depression. Good enough!
Posted at 11:37 AM | Comments (0)
Where the buffalo roam
A charming story about some bison who got loose in a Maryland suburb made it onto the front page of Yahoo:
PIKESVILLE, Md. - A herd of buffalo somehow got loose and wandered around an upscale neighborhood Tuesday, disrupting traffic and alarming homeowners before officers managed to corral them in a tennis court.
More than a dozen police cars and a police helicopter were used to herd the roughly 10 beasts, authorities said.
Great story, right? I thought so. However, the thing about Yahoo is that every news item also allows people to leave a comment. Amazingly, every single story seems to generate the same sort of comments: liberals suck, conservatives suck, a certain state/city sucks, Jews suck, blacks suck, Asians suck. I'd like to think the people commenting on Yahoo stories aren't reflective of the population as a whole, because this is absolutely ridiculous.
For example, here are some of the comments left about the buffalo story:
FIGURES, TYPICAL BLUE STATE INSANITY
by: xsited_5 (44/M/Little Rock, AR) 04/26/05 01:16 pm
Msg: 288 of 343
I wouldn't shed a tear if that shithole Maryland fell into the ocean! A few million dead liberals would vastly improve America!
Or:
Mexicans are proof that...
by: beachstefan 04/26/05 01:18 pm
Msg: 317 of 411
The Indians fukkked buffalo?
My favorite, by the guy who has to be sure to exactly explain his joke:
'M SHAKING SCOTT NORWOOD IN ANGER
by: cooley_54 (32/M/Maryland) 04/26/05 01:20 pm
Msg: 327 of 433
YOU KNOW, THE GUY WHO MISS THE FIELD GOAL IN THE SUPER BOWL. "WIDE RIGHT!"
or...
RUSH LIMBAUGH IS A BIG FAT TURD
by: escapefrom9900 (35/F/USA) 04/26/05 01:10 pm
Msg: 223 of 459
And, finally, this piece of enlightened commentary:
BBWs STAMPEDING TO McDONALDS
by: mean_wooooo_gene 04/26/05 01:07 pm
Msg: 182 of 465
4 recommendations
It IS lunchtime, after all.
Posted at 11:21 AM | Comments (0)
April 25, 2005
She got a car, I got a computer
You are Ferris Bueller (from Ferris Bueller's Day
Off)! You're a smooth talker and a
resourceful, quick thinker, and you play by
your own rules. Fortunately, you use such
things for fun and not to hurt anyone else.
God only knows what would happen if you crossed
paths with Lisa from Weird Science.
Which John Hughes Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
[from John]
Posted at 04:09 PM | Comments (0)
Smoke gets in your eyes
I'm totally for a smoking ban in Chicago bars. The positives far outweigh the negatives in my mind. Yes, I am being selfish - I don't want to smell like smoke and have my eyes water so much that my contacts fall out. But I think people who do smoke in the bar are being selfish, too: they're spewing toxins into our air and lungs.
This Sun-Times column about Cherry Red's smoke-free Thursday made me chuckle:
No smoking in a Chicago bar? How about no snow in a Chicago winter?
"You have a beer, you have a cigarette," Charlie says to me, like I'm an appellate court. "Beer. Cigarette."
If Kim and Charlie had known about the ban, they tell me, they wouldn't be here.
I walk around the bar. It's classy and clean, and the music is loud. But something about the place seems unfinished -- no smoke, no ashtrays, no burning tobacco smell, no showy cigarette gestures.
And something else seems missing -- that general disregard for clean living that's half the fun of a bar. The whole point is to drink and smoke and stay out too late and say something stupid.
This reminds me of one of my favorite rock performances of all time. There's a British band called The Libertines, and one day they came to the Tower Records by my house to play an acoustic instore performance. First, they showed up exactly an hour late, looking like a total mess. The hard-living Pete Doherty, who was thrown out of the band a few weeks later, shows up and immediately drops an f-bomb despite the fact that there are scads of children around.
After a few minutes of fiddling around, the band asks, in the heaviest British accent ever, what song the crowd wants to hear. Somebody requests a song, and Pete says, "except that one." This is repeated a few times, and finally they play a song. After the song ends, two members of the band whip out a box of Camels and light up their cigarettes, right in the middle of the store. It was so obviously against the rules, I had to chuckle. Nobody said anything about it, and away they puffed. If they weren't rock stars, they would've been tossed.
Now, maybe we can repeat that scene in smoke-free bars!
Posted at 10:42 AM | Comments (0)
Now for some peace and quiet
Mercifully, the NFL Draft is finally over. If you'll allow me a bit of sportsradio bluster, it is the most overrated weekend in all of sports. The way people carry on, you'd think they were planning the invasion of Iran or something.
Now, I'm not denying that the draft is important for NFL teams, because the right choice can send you to victory, while choosing poorly (as the knight in The Last Crusade would say) can be costly. But do we need the 24/7 media blitz that accompanies the three months between the Super Bowl and the draft? Is it really that interesting?
The end came for me when I was driving this weekend and listening to ESPN on my sexy XM satellite radio, expecting to hear "Pardon the Interruption." But, I was to be sorely disappointed - for instead of PTI, ESPN was having a mock draft with sportswriters who cover the first ten teams picking in the draft. What lunacy! Mock drafts are about the lamest thing this side of the Yazoo River.
Then there's Mel Kiper. This man has made a fortune because he is willing to compile a detailed scouting report on a guy from Altoona College who might make a good 25th round pick. How on earth did he get a job where his sole function is to wonder about the NFL Draft.
Now, I'm usually fine with the draft so long as it doesn't interfere with what I want to do. But that all came crashing down at about 10 pm on Saturday night. I had just gotten home after driving around Lancaster with my mom and little brother looking for ice cream - none was to be found, because Lancaster shuts down at 9 - and I fully expected to be watching the big Chivas vs. LA Galaxy derby.
A derby is a special thing in soccer. In most countries, there's a lot of teams that have their stadiums less than a mile apart. And they've been in that exact same spot for more than a hundred years. Needless to say, when those two teams play each other, things can jump up a few notches. Those games are called derbies, and it's usually the highlight of the year for fans of those teams.
So now, we have one of those in the USA with Chivas and the Galaxy, who share the same stadium out in La-la land. Furthermore, Chivas are an extension of a popular Mexican team, and this American version of the club is targeted purely towards the Mexicans in the LA area. The people running Chivas also think American soccer teams are pure junk, and have stocked the team with almost all players of Hispanice descent. They started the season with tons of confidence that they would run rampant over the Galaxy and all other comers. As you might guess, this game is seen as a microcosm of the whole US/Mexico rivalry.
As I was saying, I tuned onto ESPN at 10 o'clock thinking this game would be on TV. Instead, I was greeted with Mel Kiper's enormous hair. He was discoursing about the guy who had just been the 101st pick, which is to say, not very good. But Mel pressed on, all the way to 11 o'clock. The first three rounds of the draft took 11 hours, and it led to the preemption of an actual sporting event, as opposed to the draft. And then when the draft was done for the day, they took another fifteen minutes to talk about it. The funniest moment was when the last pick of the day, a certain Maurice Clarett, was announced, the affable Chris Berman bleated "this made sitting here until the very end worth it!" No Chris, it didn't. Not one bit. They finally got to the soccer game at 11:15, when it was more than half over. They tape delayed it, so I could see the whole thing. Chivas were ground into a fine powder and lost 3-1, which made me feel pretty good. It was not a good feeling, however, to have to sit through an hour of third round draft coverage instead of what I actually wanted to watch. Gazounds!
Posted at 09:05 AM | Comments (0)
April 24, 2005
I can deal with this
At least this quiz didn't out me straight up, eh?
Posted at 05:33 PM | Comments (0)
April 23, 2005
The pleasures of home
I rolled into Columbus a little while ago to celebrate my dad's birthday, and I (of course) had to stop at BD's Mongolian BBQ for a delicious lunch. What should be on the TV but the damn Ohio State scarlet vs. gray spring football game? And people were watching with rapt attention. And Ohio Stadium (capacity 92,000) was looking decently filled. And it was 35 degrees with the mysterious wintry mix! This is ridiculous! People went out in that to watch practice? Practice which was also on television? Who televises practice?
Crimony. If there is one perpetually annoying thing about living in Columbus, it's the constant obsession with the Buckeyes.
Posted at 01:33 PM | Comments (0)
April 22, 2005
The Jesus & Mary Stain
I've decided I'm officially annoyed at the water stain that resembles the Virgin Mary on the Kennedy Expressway underpass at Fullerton Ave. You see, every day I drive directly past the spot of the supposed miracle on my way to and from work.
Everybody and his mother has gone to see this thing, and they bring their cars. Big, honkin' cars. They're too lazy to ride a bike or take the bus, so instead they park their cars in fire lanes, block exits, and make a mess of the area. They're adding fifteen minutes to my commute!
Now, I don't know what God thinks about matters of traffic management, but I'm willing to bet that he would've told Moses "thou shalt not make unnecessary traffic jams" if he was making the commandments nowadays.
Posted at 09:10 AM | Comments (1)
April 21, 2005
Finally, some sensibility!
This Our Lady of the Underpass nonsense has made it all the way to the news in Britain. As I said before, I don't see a resemblance and highly doubt its miracleness. However, if it makes people feel better, I'm all for it.
The Archdiocese of Chicago, according to the article, seems to think the same way:
The Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Chicago contends that the apparition reaffirms people’s faith, whether it is real or not. The archdiocese has no plans to try to authenticate the image. “These things don’t happen every day,” Jim Dwyer, a spokesman, said.
That's about as sensible an answer as I can find for all this.
Posted at 02:56 PM | Comments (0)
Just like Old Yeller
I think this guy wanted an excuse to use his gun:
Fla. Gunman Puts Car 'Out of Its Misery'
LAUDERDALE-BY-THE-SEA, Fla. - A man with car trouble is in trouble after shooting five rounds into the hood of his Chrysler "to put my car out of its misery."
John McGivney, 64, shot his 1994 LeBaron with a .380-caliber semiautomatic, Broward County sheriff's deputies said.
When the property manager at his apartment complex asked what he was doing, McGivney said, "I'm putting my car out of its misery." He tucked his gun in a pocket and went back inside.
He was arrested Friday on a misdemeanor charge of discharging a firearm in public. He posted $100 bail Saturday.
McGivney said the car has been giving him trouble for years and had "outlived its usefulness." He called the shooting "dumb" and worries he will be evicted. But he doesn't regret it.
"I think every guy in the universe has wanted to do it," McGivney told the South Florida Sun-Sentinel. "It was worth every damn minute in that jail."
I myself would have gotten far more satisfaction if I had beaten the car to bits with a sledgehammer. Honestly, if I am in a bad mood, nothing makes me feel better than destroying something. Try it sometime, though be warned - it can get expensive!
Posted at 09:39 AM | Comments (0)
April 20, 2005
You can call me Al
Do you know what must suck about becoming Pope? From what I am hearing, ascending to the papacy is much like what James A. Garfield said about becoming president: "What is there in this place that a man should ever want to get into it?"
But there is something else that has to be the pits for Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger, the new Pope Benedict XVI. He has to change his name. No longer will he be known as Joseph, or as the Daily Show calls him, "Joey Rats." History will remember him forever as Pope Benedict XVI.
Obviously there is the weight of nearly two thosand years of precedent that says Ratzinger should take a new name as the Pope, but I think it's lousy. He's gone 78 years with one name, and now all of a sudden he has a new one. It's not like getting married where you have fifty years for people to get used to your new moniker.
It is, I suppose, like an actor or musician who adopts a stage name. But, an actor chooses a new name to increase marketability, as perhaps Reginald Dwight did when he picked up the name Elton John. In time, the stage name becomes his real name.
Will Benedict become Ratzinger's official name? If the Pope had a drivers' license, what would it say? Does he get a new last name, too? More interestingly, should the Pope be pulled over for speeding or maybe having only one headlight, does the cop dare to write him a ticket, and if so, who pays it?
Posted at 02:16 PM | Comments (0)
Gobbledygook
As you've probably guessed, I went to Best Buy the other day and picked up the DVD of Ocean's Twelve. I enjoy this movie, and though it is definitely not the same as Ocean's Eleven, I still think it's a pretty good heist movie - unlike The Italian Job, which was just dreadful.
My favorite part, though, about Ocean's Twelve is the way that Matt Damon's character Linus continually acts like the titular group of thieves are simply a small business, and he is some sort of young executive who plans to take over the company one day. He asks Ruben about his "leadership potential," pumps Danny and Rusty for advice, and refers to what type of "organization" they should be.
The best example of this is near the end (spoiler alert, or something), when they fly Tess into Rome to take part in the robbery. Linus tells her, "Due to certain personnel losses that we have sustained," they need her to pose as a certain celebrity.
After seeing this a few times, I can't tell if Linus's corporate speak is meant to mock actual corporations, or just some goofy schtick. I think it shows that all of that lingo is nothing but a bunch of bull-plop. Those power phrases and -isms and -izes are meant to make a simple concept sound mighty.
Instead of saying, "everyone else is in jail, and you are our last resort," Linus goes on about personnel losses. You, Linus Caldwell, have exposed it to be the mumbo-jumbo that it is. That's a valuable lesson for you corporate types out there. You've got a good future, son.
Posted at 08:57 AM | Comments (0)
April 19, 2005
Our Lady of the Underpass
As promised, I went to check out the hullabaloo surrounding the image of Mary that appeared in the wall of the Kennedy Expressway underpass. I hopped on my trusty bicycle and began peddling to the site. As I got there, I received a sign from God Himself: a flat tire on my bike. I soldiered on though, eventually getting the tire fixed a few hours later.
I took some pictures of the miracle. Personally, I don't see it. There were people praying, touching the image and weeping. If anything, it was an amazing bit of culture that I don't often see.
Finally, on my way home, I saw a plaque on the Windy City Tennis Club. It had a ghastly horse's head above it, with the most interesting story:
THIS TERRA COTTA HORSE'S HEAD, ONCE
PART OF THE ARCH OVER THE ENTRANCE TO
THE BONEWOOD DAIRY WHICH ORIGINALLY
STOOD ON THIS SITE, IS ALLEGED TO HAVE
BEEN THE GOOD LUCK CHARM THAT SPARED
THE BUILDING DURING THE CHICAGO FIRE
OF 1871.
ALL SUBSEQUENT STRUCTURES LOCATED
ON THIS SITE HAVE RETAINED THE HORSE'S
HEAD, NOW WELL OVER A CENTURY OLD.
Posted at 07:58 PM | Comments (3)
White smoke!
Damn, that was quick. The Cardinals elected a new Pope! Who is it going to be? And does this mean no more Delia Gallagher?
Posted at 10:13 AM | Comments (0)
Leave history to the historians
I'm no genius, but this item really burned my canoli. The Discovery Channel and America Online conspired to create a list of the 100 greatest Americans, and look at some of the notables who appeared on the list:
Barbara Bush
George W. Bush
George H.W. Bush
Laura Bush
Bill Clinton
Hillary Clinton
Tom Cruise
John Edwards
Brett Favre
Mel Gibson
Rush Limbaugh
Madonna
Dr. Phil McGraw
Marilyn Monroe
Michael Moore
Richard Nixon
Now look, I don't want to criticize what some of these people have done, but do their accomplishments warrant them being listed as the one hundred greatest Americans, ever?
The very fact that the first George Bush and Richard Nixon are on this list leads me to wonder. It doesn't matter what you think about Bush's politics, but what exactly did he do? Nothing important that I can recall. I mean, he was Reagan's vice president, I guess that counts for something. Then there's Richard Nixon. Whaaaaa? Boing boing boing!
They also list Brett Favre. Favre sure did a lot for our country. I remember that time he and the Packers won the Super Bowl. That singlehandedly brought down communism AND fixed the national deficit. But getting dumped at the end of There's Something About Mary surely hurt him.
I'm really hoping this list is some kind of joke, because Tom Cruise, Mel Gibson, Rush Limbaugh and Michael Moore do not belong in a list of 100 greatest Americans. Are they great Americans? That probably depends on who you voted for last November, but there's no way in h-e-l-l that they are among the greatest. I am pretty certain that fifty years from now, Limbaugh and Moore will be mere historical footnotes, an artifact of our current peculiar times.
Posted at 09:43 AM | Comments (0)
Time for a pilgrimage
In my usual morning daze, I was driving down Fullerton Avenue when I saw a line of people standing underneath the Kennedy Expressway. Behind them, two police officers observed the situation. I thought it was the usual crowd of homeless people, or maybe even a protest. As I got closer, I could see that they were all looking at a spot on the wall, while the sidewalk before it was covered with flowers and trinkets. Then I remembered: it was the miracle.
As I first learned here, apparently an image of the Virgin Mary has appeared on the wall underneath the Kennedy. It's already being billed as a miracle, though I think that assumption is rather suspect. But I've always believed that if it makes you feel better and it doesn't hurt other people, it's okay by me. Besides, I can't prove it's not a miracle, nor can I prove it is a miracle. Even if it rises from the ground and leads us to a new shopping center - perhaps that gigantic new Kohls on Elston?
Now, because I dig this kind of stuff, I'm going to stop over and see the miracle tonight when I get home from work. However, the weatherman is calling for rain this afternoon, which may put an end to the festivities. You see, the image of Mary appears to be a salt stain, dripped onto the wall from the expressway. I have a feeling the rain is going to wipe out the miracle. The Lord works in funny ways, yo.
Posted at 08:02 AM | Comments (0)
April 18, 2005
Rope-a-Pope
This Papal election stuff is riveting, isn't it? I haven't been near a cable news channel lately, but from the constant updates being posted on Yahoo News, I can just imagine the sort of tomfoolery currently being perpetrated by the TV channels. And there must be something going on, because I am once again getting a spike from - you guessed it - people trying to find information on CNN Vatican Analyst Delia Gallagher. She's produced more hits for this site than the previous record-holder, "Ryan Cabrera with no shirt on." Delia, as always: call me!
In fact, it looks like the Cardinals made it through the first day without electing a pope. Black smoke billowed from the chimney near the Sistine Chapel, meaning the Cardinals hadn't come to a decision. I suppose the best part about being sequestered, as the Cardinals will be until deciding a pope, is that they don't have to put up with all the speculation we non-Cardinal types have to deal with.
Instead, let me talk about how awesome Delia Gallagher is. What sweet, sweet speculation could Delia be proferring in the absence of real news? Perhaps she is wondering what Cardinals got the most votes? Maybe she is talking about the black and white smoke? Does it really matter anyway? For when Delia talks, I listen, but I do not hear what she says. To watch her prattle about the inner workings of the Vatican is enough for me. In fact, she could read the box scores from Serie B and I'd be in paradise. The more the Cardinals delay in electing a pope, the longer we get to see Delia. Huzzah!
Posted at 01:12 PM | Comments (0)
Frustration
Internet ticketing is baffling to me. How do they do it? And, importantly, does anyone actually ever succeed at buying tickets online? I'm talking about the ticket sales for Jimmy Buffett at Wrigley Field over Labor Day weekend. I spent the last hour shuffling around the office as my browser continually reloaded in Tickets.com's virtual waiting room, only to finally get an opportunity for tickets when there were but scattered seats left. Then, even when I chose one of those tickets, I got kicked off the website. What a pleasure!
Of course, this doesn't stop the entrepreneurial folks among us from cashing in. Even as the ticket sales were still going on, blocks of 6 tickets - the maximum allowable purchase - were popping up on Craigslist. Now, I don't know what to think about people who do that. Part of me admires their brilliant capitalism, paying $110 for something and then reselling it at double the face value for a tidy $100 profit per ticket. However, the other part of me thinks this is terribly cynical. They should be left to people who actually want the tickets.
Either way, you will now be hardpressed to find me at the Friendly Confines come Labor Day weekend. The cheapest ticket was selling for $90, and will probably get jacked up to $160 at the minimum in the "secondary ticket" market. In my opinion, this is simply too much money to pay for seeing Jimmy Buffett, even if it is at Wrigley Field. $160 will easily turn into $250 after I get loaded up on beer, hot dogs and maragaritas. I don't even like Jimmy Buffett all that much, and I can think of plenty of things I could spend $250 on, such as a weekend in Vegas; four kegs of beer; 500 copies of the Chicago Tribune.
On the topic of such banal pursuits, I have also become hopelessly addicted to Solitaire on the computer. This is the most frustrating game devised by man, especially if you are playing the draw-three Vegas version. I have actually been late to stuff because I've been trying to win at Solitaire. Every time I am lured by its song, and am eventually drawn into a desperate attempt to beat the house, I have visions of a man dying from electroction after punching his monitor when he yet again loses at computer solitaire.
Posted at 11:11 AM | Comments (0)
April 15, 2005
Friday!
Ah, what an obnoxious week of work I've had. I won't go into details, but suffice it to say there was a lot to be done. And there still is a lot to be done.
On the subject of complaining, I wish protestors would get a little creative. I've seen three or four different protests on the news the past few days, and all of them have a variation on this:
"What do we want?"
"[Something stupid that nobody but them cares about.]"
"When do we want it?"
"Now!"
What do *I* want? A little creative thinking before it comes time to protest! When do I want it? Pretty damn soon!
In their defense, they usually have clever signs, though a few protestors always manage to misspell a big word on the sign. That's just embarassing.
Posted at 10:35 AM | Comments (1)
April 13, 2005
I like big butts and I cannot lie
Is there a male equivalent of the "ghetto booty"? I'm specifically thinking about Jennifer Lopez's prodigous backside, and the growing trend of butt implants, which honestly I find repellant. Not that I am Ricky Martin (to keep with the theme), but why would you do that to your ass?
What I'm wondering is if certain women find a large butt attractive? I'm not going to risk doing a google image search for an example, nor can I think of a celebrity who epitomizes what I mean. The closest I can think of, off the top of my head, is Uncle Phil from "The Fresh Prince" or Carl Winslow from "Family Matters." But, every now and then I'll see a guy with a disproportionatly large butt. I'm thinking, "damn!" But then, I'm thinking, that's the male version of junk in the trunk. And somebody, by gum, must think that is a good thing.
Posted at 02:43 PM | Comments (5)
April 12, 2005
Riddle me this
What's up with Dippin' Dots, the supposed ice cream of the future? I've had the stuff, and it's decent. It doesn't beat regular ice cream, that's for sure. But it'll do fine in a pinch.
Now, Dippin' Dots was the ice cream of the future back when I was a kid. We're talking way back in the 80's! I mean, 25 years ago, this stuff was the future of ice cream, and now it still is? 25 years ago, the computer of the future was less powerful than my watch, and I have a non-digital watch. What I'm trying to say is, it's freaking old! And yet, Dippin' Dots still claims to be futuristic? I think not.
Thus, it is my proposition that Dippin' Dots find a new slogan, because I don't want to be telling my grandkids how when I was little, Dippin' Dots were the future's ice cream. They'd laugh and vaporize me with their watches of the future.
Posted at 07:21 PM | Comments (0)
April 11, 2005
Easter in Ohio
I just found some goofy pictures on my camera. This past Easter I spent back at home in Ohio. In all honesty, Easter was never that important of a holiday to me, but it's fun to spend it with family. Now, in a big Catholic city like Buffalo, they love their Easter. Which is why we had a Buffalo Easter imported from the Queen City:
That's beef on weck with a pierogi, and a butter lamb, straight from the Broadway Market. We had this veritable feast because my mom was in Buffalo for the week, and sent the stuff down for us. I'm not going to lie, it was delicious. It beats a glazed ham any day of the week. If there's one thing Buffalo can consistently do right, it's food. The beef on weck was about a good an Easter present as one could get.
Posted at 08:26 PM | Comments (1)
My own worst enemy
Do you know how sometimes you see people who do various things, and think to yourself, "That's really annoying!" Yes, me too. That's why I asked the question.
Anyhow, it was a regrettable two and a half years ago that I was attempting to date this girl. One day I called her, left a message, and then set out to go for a jog. For some ungodly reason, I was very anxious for her to call back, so I brought the phone with me on my run. When I think about it, I don't know why, because it's not like I would have interrupted my run to answer the phone. I made it the whole way around, and right when I got back to my apartment, I dropped the phone. It broke into a billion pieces - okay, more like two - and I subsequently had to duct tape the battery to the phone, or it would not work.
The moral of the story is that I have been ridiculed ever since then as a cell-phone toting yuppie, even though it is not true. As you might imagine, I'm very annoyed at this. I have vowed never to bring my phone with me while exercising, and indeed, that has been the last time that I brought the phone.
Nowadays, when I'm at the gym, I occasionally see girls on those ridiculous eliptical machines talking away on mobile phones. I think to myself, "What a hoe." And hoe is the word I use, because I'm L'il Kim. It just really irritates me - I already think people use their phones too much as it is. Personally, I need a little me time. Oz needs time for Oz, as I am fond of saying.
I am ashamed to admit that I became that which I despise a few days ago. I was having a text message conversation with one of my friends - text messages are the new phone coversations - and we were discussing an important topic. However, the conversation was still ongoing as I arrived at the gym. I had two choices: leave my phone in the locker room, or bring it with me and continue messaging as I rode the exercise bicycle. (I love the exercise bicycle. It makes me feel like Ed Harris as John Glenn in The Right Stuff.)
I went with the second choice. I felt immeasurably self-conscious, sure that all the other people at the gym were silently ridiculing me for bringing the phone with me. The kicker: as soon as I got in, the text messages from my companion stopped, so I didn't even anyone to talk to. If you're reading, Christy, thanks a lot! You made me look like a fool!
Posted at 07:46 PM | Comments (0)
Faux March Madness, the championship game
Would you believe that we're down to the last matchup in the Faux March Madness Tournament? It seems like only yesterday we were pondering who would win in a matchup of Jessica Alba and Jennifer Garner. But now, 64 participants have whittled themselves through mortal combat, sheer will, and pure attrition to two remaining contestants: Phil Jackson and King Henry VIII. It is, indeed, a matchup for the ages. The winner will join last year's champion, Ben Franklin, in the Southport Squealer Hall of Fame.
So, who is going to take the crown this year?
Phil earns a lot of points because, as previously mentioned, he coralled such diverse characters as Dennis Rodman, Shaquille O'Neal and Kobe Bryant well enough to win millions of NBA Championships. Undoubtedly, Phil's accumulated personal wealth must rival that of Henry VIII. Phil, it is fair to say, is one of the most successful coaches in basketball history.
But, what of Henry VIII? Historians have long argued the course history may have taken if Henry's first son had not died in infancy. Would he have gone apeshit, dumped Catherine of Aragon and go on to marry five other women in a singular quest to produce a mail heir? Would he have severed ties with the Catholic Church? The man was a behemoth!
However, Phil Jackson must edge Henry in the looks category. While it is written that Henry was handsome in his youth, a jousting injury left him hobbled and morbidly obese. Phil is gigantic, but not slap-your-mama ugly. He scraps back in this category.
In the end, however, Henry VIII pulls away for the win, by the score of 78-73! It surely is no coincidence that the two winners of this tournament have come from the History Region. Phil just couldn't stand up to the legacy of Henry.
Congratulations to you, Henry VIII! You're the winner of the Second Annual Southport Squealer Faux March Madness Tournament. I'll see you in Disney World - you might like the Pirates of the Carribbean.
Posted at 11:33 AM | Comments (0)
April 08, 2005
Faux March Madness, The Penultimate Four
Can you believe we're all the way down to the last four contestants in the Faux March Madness Tournament? Me either!
Let's run down the four contestants, and see how they got here:
Jules Winnfield, 15 seed, Entertainment Region: defeated Mace Windu, Tony Kornheiser, Jessica Alba, and most impressively, Tyra Banks.
He faces Phil Jackson, 13 seed, Sports Region. Phil Jackson shuffled his way through so far, easily defeating Mike Ditka, NFL Preseason, "Major League," and James Naismith.
On the other side of the bracket, #4 seed Henry VIII out of the History Region beat up on Edward VIII, the Black Plague, Sir Isaac Newton and William Tecumseh Sherman.
Henry VIII is faced by his most formidable competitor yet: the Chicago Hot Dog, #3 seed in the Chicago bracket. The Dog took down the Italian Beef, Clark Steet, and Alderman Tom Tunney, then claimed the biggest scalp in the tournament, #1 seeded Oprah Winfrey.
With these impressive resumes, who will advance to the Championship game? Let's find out.
Phil Jackson vs. Jules Winnfield. This is a battle of philosopher warriors. Phil has survived some of the most inflated egos this side of a conservative talk show host gathering, while Jules has cheated the Grim Reaper on many occasions. But, despite the fact that Jules has a revelation and quits the business, Phil is too calm, too serene, to be rattled. He sends Jules packing, and Phil advances to the championship game with a 77-72 triumph.
Hot Dog vs. Henry VIII. The dog has used a swarming strategy to overwhelm opponents so far, but it may have met its match in this game. The Hot Dog handily defeated Oprah with a relentess barrage of meat, but not this time. The portly monarch, who topped out with a 54-inch waste, was able to take all the dog could throw. The man lived through six wives, he's gonna be able to handle some food! The Hot Dog simply ran out of mustard, if you will, in the end. It was a valiant effort, but Henry VIII will live to see another day. He wins, 85-76.
So, we know our matchup in the championship game. On Monday, either Henry VIII or Phil Jackson will be crowned the champion of the Faux March Madness Tournament. Who will it be? Check back on Monday to find out!
Posted at 10:25 AM | Comments (0)
April 07, 2005
Oz's Mailbag
You know, it's been awhile since I've opened up the mailbag. Today is as good a day as any other, so let's have at it.
And, once again, welcome to all the people who arrived here by googling CNN Vatican Analyst Delia Gallagher. Yes, I will keep mentioning her for as long as possible. Call me, Delia. Please?
Anywho, Karen writes:
God I love reading your posts.
Who do you think would win in a matchup between Corey Haim and Corey Feldman? That's what I want to know.
Oh Karen, that's very nice of you to say. But there's no way I'm moving to Atlanta with you.
Now, I have pondered long and hard about this Corey Haim vs. Corey Feldman matchup.
Let's do the run-down, shall we?
Breakout role:
Corey H: "The Lost Boys"
Corey F: "The Lost Boys"
That's a wash!
Height:
Corey H: 5'7"
Corey F: 5'3"
Both freakishly short, but Haim wins that one. 1-0 to the Haimster.
Nickname:
Corey H: Space Ace
Corey F: Core
Core? What the fuck is that? 2-0, Corey Haim.
Parental relations:
Corey H: Parents divorced when he was 11.
Corey F: Divorced himself from his parents.
Minor power, Feldie! 2-1, Corey Haim.
Run-ins with the law:
Corey H: Drug problem, filed for bankruptcy, owed hundreds of thousands of dollars in back taxes.
Corey F: Once busted for drug possession.
Corey Feldman ties it up!
Current pop-culture relevance:
Corey H: Subject of song by Irish pop-rock outfit The Thrills, "Whatever Happened to Corey Haim?"
Corey F: Frequent guest on Howard Stern.
Another wash. Let's go to a tiebreaker!
Famous lovers:
Corey H: Once engaged to Nicole Eggert.
Corey F: Once married to Vanessa Marcil, aka Carla from "The Rock."
Corey Feldman, that is worth 10 million points!
Final score: Corey Feldman, 10,000,002, Corey Haim, 2. I hope that answers your question, Karen.
Next, in reference to my appearance in the Chicago RedEye, Pete offered these supportive words:
Well, at least you weren't the ugliest contestant.
You're too kind. I actually took so long to send in my responses that they threatened to replace me with a cartoon dog. Even then, that was the best I could do. What can I say? I was there simply to be eye candy.
Then, workingnob posits:
Hahha good one! I also wonder if all the water on star destroyers is made from recycled urine too - like the technology they're making for our space station. Then again - the empire weren't conservationalists - this would clearly be rebel technology. Speaking of rebels - aren't they terrorists because they're attempting to over-throw the dominate political authority?
Man, that'd be pretty sick if those star destroyers were using recycled urine as drinking water. Maybe that's why all those empire people look so sickly. They're all drinking pee! Even if it is distilled or recycled or whatever.
On the other hand, no, the rebels aren't terrorists. Everybody knows white people aren't terrorists. That's what minorities are for, duh! So Chewbacca is a terroritst, but not Han Solo. Get it?
(That's sarcasm, by the way.)
But, I would argue that they are not necessarily terrorists because they aren't targeting civilians. Terrorists are concerned with, well, terror and killing people who normally wouldn't be involved in the proceedings. So, if the Rebels started setting off bombs on the bus in Imperial City, then they would be terrorists. But blowing up the Death Star? Not terrorism. I imagine if CNN were covering the Rebels vs. the Empire, they would be called "guerillas," "fighters," or even "combatants." But it's all a matter of perspective. If the Empire had a TV network, say, the Fox News Channel, they might call them terrorists.
That, friends, was the mailbag. Thanks for your comments, and keep on reading!
Posted at 01:10 PM | Comments (1)
Faux March Madness, The Well-Regarded Eight
Well, we are certainly down to the Nitty-Gritty in this year's edition of the Faux March Madness Tournament. As you may recall, last year Sean Connery bested Marv Levy for the crown. But this year, we are down to eight contestants. Let's review who they are:
Entertainment Region:
#4 Tyra Banks vs. #15 Jules Winnfield. The supermodel-turned-media-mogul faces the belligerent hit man from Pulp Fiction. One probably owns a gun rack, the other has a nice rack. Which of these fearsome comptetitors will advance?
Sports Region:
#3 James Naismith vs. #13 Phil Jackson. One invented basketball, the other invented a dynasty. Phil will undoubtedly have some extra special zen tricks up his sleeve for Naismith, but who will come out on top? Remember, in Naismith's time, there was no three-pointer. Can he adjust?
History Region:
#2 William Tecumseh Sherman vs. #4 Henry VIII. Two heavyweights of history meet up in this regional final. No strangers to war, this will shape up to be a titanic struggle. On paper, they're evenly matched. Who will win in the end?
Chicago Region:
#1 Oprah Winfrey vs. #3 Hot Dog. What a fitting conclusion to this regional. Two Chicago institutions are set to duke it out, but only one can survive. Oprah's legion of fans may have something to say about it, but the hot dog is beloved. Whoever comes out of this one alive will have won a hard-fought victory.
So, with those previews in mind, let's take a look at the results!
Jules Winnfield 74, Tyra Banks 69. Jules can't be stopped! When you are a bad motherfucker like Jules, you can't let something trivial like your opponent being a woman get in your way.
Phil Jackson 66, James Naismith 54. Big Phil keeps on crusing along - the eastern philosophy rescues him again. This time, poor Dr. Naismith was beaten, literally, at his own game. You can't compete with a man who piled on something like 50 NBA championships when you're still playing with a peach basket, can you?
Henry VIII 77, William T. Sherman 74 (ot). Sherman ran out of gas in the end, but what chance did he really have? Henry VIII was one of the must influential and famous monarchs of all time, while Sherman, great as he was, lives in the perpetual shadow of US Grant. 'Tis a shame, but that's how life is. Will any of us be remembered in 150 years? I know I won't!
Hot Dog 67, Oprah Winfrey 63. A victory for foodies everywhere! Oprah, the once and future queen of talk, fell to her old nemesis: food. Who can resist the charcoal-grilled goodness; the mustard; the relish; the bun? It can't be done! Oprah, you did well. But it's time to go back home and swim in your piles of gold doubloons, ala Scrooge McDuck.
Amazing! Just amazing. With Oprah's eliminations, we are down to four contestants. They advance to the Penultimate Four, and they are:
Jules Winnfield (Entertainment Region)
vs.
Phil Jackson (Sports Region)
Henry VIII (History Region)
vs.
Hot Dog (Chicago Region)
Posted at 09:33 AM | Comments (1)
April 06, 2005
Faux March Madness - The Swell Sixteen
Can you believe we're already down to the Swell Sixteen in this year's Faux March Madness tournament? (Despite the fact it is April?)
Let's get to the results of the round of 16 teams, and see who gets to join the fraternity of the "Well-Regarded Eight."
First, let me remind you of the matchups, if you haven't been paying attention:
Entertainment Region
#1 Johnny Cash vs. #4 Tyra Banks
#14 Jessica Alba vs. #15 Jules Winnfield
Sports Region
#8 Major League vs. #13 Phil Jackson
#2 Pete Rose vs. #3 James Naismith
History Region
#1 Sir Isaac Newton vs. #4 King Henry VIII
#2 William Tecumseh Sherman vs. #11 Panama Canal
Chicago Region
#1 Oprah Winfrey vs. #5 Sears Tower
#3 Hot Dog vs. #15 Alderman Tom Tunney
So now, what of the results from these games?
#4 Tyra Banks 76, #1 Johnny Cash 68. Oh dear oh dear. What happened to the Man in Black? The answer: Tyra. I don't know if Tyra would've started a Ring of Fire in Johnny, but she did something to him. Johnny must now head back home and cry, cry, cry.
#15 Jules Winnfield 70, #14 Jessica Alba 60. Jules continues his amazing run! Jessica Alba may have made it to the Swell Sixteen by facing some overrated opponents, but Jules was simply overpowering. Yes, Jessica Alba is about ninety times better looking than the hit man on his best day, but all I really have to ask is, "what's Fonzie like?" He's cool! And that's what Jules is. He's cool. But don't cross him.
#13 Phil Jackson 66, #8 Major League 59. It's the end of the road for Major League. Phil effortlessly beat Rick Vaughn and company into the ground with his typical laid-back tenacity. Next time, boys, get a live chicken.
#3 James Naismith 85, #2 Pete Rose 81. Charlie Hustle finally meets his match in the good doctor from Springfield, Mass. Yes, Pete Rose is the all-time hits leader, but it's hard to get by his repugnant behavior. Naismith invented one of the world's most popular sports. That's good for something.
#4 King Henry VIII 67, #1 Sir Isaac Newton 61. Whoah, Newton is the second #1 seed to get bounced in the Swell Sixteen! This time, he ran afoul of Henry VIII. Newton's contributions were some of the most important of all time, but if he were working under Henry, and he said something disagreeable, it was off with his head. Henry, you win.
#2 William Tecumseh Sherman 85, #11 Panama Canal 69. "Cump" continues to tear through the bracket. The Canal was crucial, but what would've happened if Sherman hadn't been there to pistol-whip the Rebs? The world wonders.
#1 Oprah Winfrey 69, #5 Sears Tower 64. Oprah becomes the only #1 seed to advance! This time, she took down the sizable behemoth that is the Sears Tower. But Oprah has the moxie, and that's what you need to survive in this bidness. Oprah has been unstoppable so far, but can she make it all the way to the championship?
#3 Hot Dog 67, #15 Alderman Tom Tunney 55. And so Tom Tunney's Cinderella run comes to an end, but the hot dog is a juggernaut. It can't be stopped. Never was a piece of cased sausage so powerful. But this sets up a titanic showdown in the Chicago region: Oprah or the Hot Dog. Who will come out on top in this one?
This tournament is starting to get heavy, eh? Let's see what the match-ups for the Well-Regarded Eight are going to be. The winners of these games will have something to hang there hats on: they'll have won their regions and advanced to the Penultimate Four!
Entertainment: #4 Tyra Banks vs. #15 Jules Winnfield
Sports: #3 James Naismith vs. #13 Phil Jackson
History: #2 William Tecumseh Sherman vs. #4 Henry VIII
Chicago: #1 Oprah Winfrey vs. #3 Hot Dog
Finally, click here to see the updated bracket!
Posted at 01:28 PM | Comments (1)
Nothing like personal responsibility
From the Dayton Daily News:
Woman hit at Dragons game sues
By the Dayton Daily News
A woman injured by a line-drive foul ball June 16 at a Dayton Dragons baseball game filed a negligence lawsuit Tuesday in Montgomery County Common Pleas Court seeking damages of more than $25,000.
Roxane Harting, 40, of Centerville was watching the San Diego Chicken, also a defendant in the lawsuit, when she was struck behind the right ear, the lawsuit said.
Personally, I like the way the Chicken was also named in the lawsuit. I wonder if it says "San Diego Chicken" on the actual suit?
Posted at 11:54 AM | Comments (1)
Lollygaggers
It's no secret that I suffer from, ahem, mild road rage. I don't start confrontations with other motorists, but I'll definitely let loose with the profanity if I don't like what my fellow drivers are doing.
Yesterday, while stuck behind a slow-moving Nissan Sentra that was impeding my progress because it was moving the same speed as the truck in the other lane, I had a profound revelation: I am basically an agitated football coach or baseball manager when it comes to driving. I'm the Bill Parcells of driving. Nothing is good enough for me, and I will punish those other drivers with an iron fist.
In fact, I think the famous lollygagger speech from Bull Durham could be transposed to my assessment of other drivers:
Me: "You guys. You lollygag around Lakeshore Drive. You lollygag your way while making right hand turns. You lollygag in and out of onramps. You know what that makes you? Larry!"
Larry: "Lollygaggers!"
Me: "Lollygaggers! What's our travel time from O'Hare to downtown?"
Larry: "Forty-five minutes."
Me: "Forty-five minutes! I don't know we ever make it in sixty minutes."
Larry: "It's a miracle!"
Posted at 08:06 AM | Comments (0)
April 05, 2005
Good day sunshine
This was one of those days that made sitting through five months of winter worthwhile. There were no clouds in the sky, and a breeze of perfect velocity swept over the city. The temperature was like that mythical bowl of porridge: just right. I celebrated by going for a run along the lake.
There, after a run to North Avenue reminded me exactly how out of shape I am, I met an old friend. I do not know this friend, but we are friends nonetheless. I'm talking about the man who tows his dog on the bicycle (see item #1).
As I ambled along the lakefront path, I heard a familar sound: a dog yelping helplessly. My ears perked up, and I stopped to turn around and confirm what I already knew: there was the man, speeding along on his bicycle with the dog flailing along behind him. The dog seemed bigger than I remembered since I last saw him, but I would recognize it anywhere. As I ran, I watched the dog and his master move up the path, until they disappeared. I giggled like a schoolgirl until I arrived home. Until next time, my friend. Until next time.
Posted at 09:54 PM | Comments (0)
Oh Britney
Everybody here knows how awesome I think reality TV is, so it is of no surprise to me that Britney Spears and professional creep/husband Kevin Federline are going to star in a reality show:
Featuring what UPN bills as "exclusive, never-before-seen private home videos" of their "personal love story," the six-episode series is scheduled to premiere later this season. It picks up shortly after the pair met in Los Angeles and headed to Europe on tour, where Federline performed as a backup dancer for Spears.
However, most telling to me is this quote:
"I feel that last year the tabloids ran my life," said the Grammy Award-winning singer in commenting on her new series, "and I am really excited about showing my fans what really happened rather than all the stories, which have been misconstrued by journalists in the past." (Underlines mine.)
Ah, you see? Britney wants to use her reality show as a propaganda vehicle! That's what it is, you know. Propaganda. When Britney says she wants to show "what really happened," what she means is "my version of events which is going to be framed so as to make me look good." It also means, "Britney needs money," as well as "UPN needs money."
The thing I love about Britney's recent public persona is that she casts herself as a victim of the media, while her and true love Kevin try to live their lives of buying Red Bull, bringing home ridiculous dogs and fornicating on hotel balconies. So, what better way to humanize oneself than to star in your own reality show? It's damage control for the new millennium.
That said, what other stars could be due for a reality show? Michael Jackson might, except I do believe it is possible for him to appear even stranger than he already is. I'm surprised Fred Durst hasn't pitched a reality show. It could feature him unsuccessfully wooing the latest Hollywood starlet, or responding to angry e-mails, or even trying to record a new "album."
Meanwhile, as if to prove my point, Justin Jeffre of 98 degrees "fame" wants to run for Mayor of Cincinnati, noting that love for his hometown spurred his decision. Oh, and because he wants VH1 to follow his progress for a reality series. Now, I am want to think that if he truly cared about his hometown, he'd concentrate on running for mayor as opposed to, say, milking the publicity for a reality show. Don't you think so?
Posted at 01:09 PM | Comments (1)
April 04, 2005
Chicago Region, Second Round
Damn, I completely slacked off on the Faux March Madness Tournament. Sorry about that, I promise to do better. That said, what a wild time in the second round of the Chicago Region. After that amazing History Region, what on Earth could happen here? Let's take a look, shall we?
#1 Oprah Winfrey 70, #9 Jerry Reinsdorf 52. Snap! Reinsdorf can't keep up with Oprah, who may very well blow the rest of the Chicago Region away like they are so many Cheetos. What a stupid metaphor! Nevertheless, Reinsdorf and his miserly ways finally cost him, as Oprah runs over him, without even having to mention the free cars!
#5 Sears Tower 66, #13 John Cusack 64 (ot). This was a very tough call, but the Sears Tower had to win in the end. Nothing says Chicago like the Sears Tower, while most people would be hard-pressed to identify Cusack as a Chicagoan. Sorry, Johnny.
#3 Hot Dog 65, #6 Clark Street 59. Ah, the cased sasauge continues its run into the Swell Sixteen. This one all came down to geography. The hot dog is ubiquitous, but Clark Street only goes so far. Plus traffic is a bitch.
#15 Alderman Tom Tunney 55, #7 Kennedy Expressway 50. Oh boy, is Tunney going to be the Cinderella of this tournament? He's taken the Kennedy behind the shed and whipped it good, no doubt taking it to task for spurring gentrification and giving people in Wicker Park something to complain about.
With that flurry of results, the Swell Sixteen matchups in the Chicago Region look something like this:
#1 Oprah Winfrey vs. #5 Sears Tower
#3 Hot Dog vs. #15 Tom Tunney
Posted at 12:03 PM | Comments (0)
Wow
First, welcome to all the visitors to my site who are looking for information about CNN Vatican analyst Delia Gallagher. Sorry pals, wish I could help you out. Delia, call me. I'm no Padre Amaro, but we can make this work.
Anyway, this Pope business has got me all out of sorts. Luckily, I have just the tonic to soothe my nerves: outrage! Yes, I am officially old enough to remember the good old days. I didn't have to walk uphill both ways to school, but I did have to wait for the bus and play video games that only had two buttons on the controller. I mean, damn!
Enough parents are actually complaining about the red ink that teachers use to mark papers that schools are actually forbidding teachers from using it! Think about it. Red ink is too stressful.
Of all the things that can make a person see red, school principal Gail Karwoski was not expecting parents to get huffy about, well, seeing red. At Daniels Farm Elementary School in Trumbull, Conn., Karwoski's teachers grade papers by giving examples of better answers for those students who make mistakes. But that approach meant the kids often found their work covered in red, the color that teachers long have used to grade work.
Parents objected. Red writing, they said, was "stressful." The principal said teachers were just giving constructive advice and the color of ink used to convey that message should not matter. But some parents could not let it go.
So the school put red on the blacklist. Blue and other colors are in.
This might be the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Yes, I agree that red ink is loud. But that's the point. The reason, I would suppose, that teachers used red ink is because it's easy to see, and it stands out. If teachers started using blue ink, it would blend it with everything else and the message would be missed completely.
Nuts to that, I say. Whenever I mark up stuff at work or wherever, I bust out a trusty red pen. I know that the recepient of my editing is going to see exactly what I wrote, and won't be able to use some sort of obfuscation on my part as an excuse.
Apparently red is synonymous with rejection, punishment, or what have you. This is true. But it is also the most dangerous color. Prince didn't sing about a Little Purple Corvette, did he? The Red Army hockey team decked themselves head-to-toe in red. Those guys were scary. And that's the point: if something is in red, people are going to notice.
However, if thirty years from now all these kids raised on purple ink are winning Nobel Prizes and solving world hunger, I'll take back what I said. But until that time, all I can say is: priorities, people. Priorities!
Posted at 08:50 AM | Comments (0)
April 01, 2005
You, the grill, the guy in the bushes
It looks as though our pal Pope John Paul II is at death's door. Though I don't really identify myself as one anymore, I was raised a Catholic, and he was the only Pope I've ever known. But I think he transcends Catholicism, and should be inspirational to anybody with a soul. I don't always agree with his policies, but he's still one of the more thoughtful and levelheaded world leaders you could find. I just can't say enough about how influential he was, even to non-Catholics.
Being stranded at home like I am, I've been watching a lot of CNN lately. Guess what? CNN's Vatican analyst, a lady named Delia Gallagher, is plain ol' beautiful. It makes watching Wolf Blitzer that much easier!
Now, at the risk of being crass - which I suppose I already did by suggesting a death pool between the Pope and Terri Schiavo (you won if you picked Terri, by the way) - let me tell you a joke. It's a very stupid joke, but it involves the Pope, Bruce Smith and Thurman Thomas.
Thurman Thomas and Bruce Smith go on vacation together, and they decide to go the Vatican. So, they are standing in Saint Peter's Square, and Bruce decides he's hungry and starts to cook some ribs, right there in the square. Keep with me here.
After a few minutes of this, the Pope, surrounded by priests and guards, comes out into the Square. As they approach the pair, Thurman gets scared and runs behind some nearby bushes. There he watched the two talk, until the Pope makes the sign of the cross at Smith and walks back inside with his posse into the surrounding buildings.
Thurman then runs back out to Bruce, and asks him what happened.
"We need to go," says Bruce. "I think he's mad at us."
Confused, Thurman says, "but I thought he blessed you."
"Oh no, that didn't happen at all," he replies. "He asked me what I was doing here, and when I told him he began to shake his head." Then Bruce stretches his had out and points at Thurman. "The Pope says to me, 'you,'" and then he points downward, "'the grill, the guy in the bushes. Get the hell out of here.'"
The joke is better told in person, but you get the point, I hope.
Posted at 03:16 PM | Comments (0)