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June 10, 2005
Oz's mailbag
I get so many e-mails and comments that some days it would take forever to go through them all! Actually, I lie. I don't get many. But on the plus side, I don't get any "you're an idiot" e-mails either. If anyone wants to knock me down a peg, why not shoot me an e-mail? I've had a lot of visitors here googling spelling bee participants, and I'm surprised nobody has yelled at me for putting a bunch of 10 year olds on a fantasy team called "The Porn Stars."
With that in mind, let's see what I've gotten in the mail this time!
Pete agrees with me about how lame it was that Subway claims to have doubled its menu because you can now get a toasted sub:
Why don't they just say they have two billion different sandwiches on their menu? That's probably the total number of different combination of meats, bread, condiments, etc. that can be created. That claim would be no more disingenuous than saying they doubled their menu.
My god, I'm sick of seeing Jared's smug face. I'd love to see him caught on film wolfing down a Big Mac.
You said it, dawg. Let's do some rudimentary, shall we? According to the Subway web site, there are about 20 different basic types of sandwiches. (Meatball, tuna, turkey, etc.) There's five types of bread, or you can get it as a foot long, six inch, wrap or salad. So, that's 240 combinations. There's another 11 types of toppings you can get, and since all of those can be combined, there are 39,916,800 different possible topping combos. (11 x 10 x 9, etc.) And since those toppings can be had on 240 different sandwiches, we find that there are 9,580,032,000 different Subway sandwich permutations. But there's more! There are 9 types of sauce. Two of those are mayonaisse and light mayonaisse, and nobody could possibly get both of those, so we'll call it 8. Assuming somebody would be sick enough to combine 8 different sauces, that's another 40,320 possible combinations. Thus, we arrive with a grand total of 386,266,890,240,000 different Subway sandwiches. Now, let me ask you this. How are they going to fit all this on the menu?
On the other hand, Karen had this to say, though I have no idea what it pertains to:
Oh Tim, please tell me you didn't sit in a locker room with a bunch of naked old guys. Do you need me to come back and remind you that you are better than that?
If I can get personal with you, I love the locker room. Not because I like naked old guys, because that is sick. They stand around naked for no apparent reason other than that they are in a locker room with a bunch of other guys. In my opinion, this is gross. In fact, locker rooms are probably the grossest place on earth. I've never been inside a girl's locker room - I certainly wouldn't turn down the opportunity - but I bet they are gross, too. People pee on the floor, fart, shave, sneeze, snort, and do any possible body function you can name. It's despicable.
But back to the naked old guys. They make me feel not so bad about myself. I'm certainly no Brad Pitt - hell, I'm probably not even a Drew Carey - but I sure look a lot better than the naked old guys. I am sorry to say that one day I will be an old guy. But mark my words, when I am, I will not be spending my days naked in a locker room.
Now, somebody calling herself The Future Mrs. Oz agrees that it is pretty useless to find cabs on Google Maps:
Ok, so knowing a cab's location may not do you anygood. Especially if I'm out and about and not carrying around my laptap with wi-fi connection. I mean, are cabs really that hard to locate that you have to utilize a website to pinpoint one? And aren't the chances pretty high that once you've "located" one, it's the same one that 18 other people have located and now you all just can't cram into one taxi can you?
You are a genius, my friend. You hit the nail on the head. But let me proffer another question about cabs: suppose you call for one to pick you up. What happens if somebody tries to hail the cab? And how is he going to know you are the one who called? I think if I called for a cab, and somebody stole it, I would beat him with a stick. Preferably I will do this while I am a naked old man.
Finally, John points out that I missed a key flick-off move, pioneered by Jim Carrey:
What about the Trumpet flip? As seen in the movie "Bruce Almighty," turn to the side, raise a pretend trumpet, finger some notes and finish the "song" with a long note with the middle finger extended.
Yes. Good call. The thing about flicking people off like that is that you have to be willing to give it your all. A physical comedian like Jim Carrey could pull this one off, but as I am morose, it does not work for me. The only one I am really decent at, I would say, is the very same scratch the nose bird that David Toms pulled off at The Memorial.
Posted by oz115 at June 10, 2005 08:58 AM