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July 30, 2005
The surreal life
In the house, we have this hallway that leads to the garage on one side and the family room on the other side. In the hallway is a closet, in which we keep dog treats and cat food and other exciting things.
Lately, little bugs have been sneaking in the house and leaving little cocoons or such on the ceiling, much to the anger of my mom. Every morning she would come in and knock down four or five of these little spores, and then complain about it. She finally put me and my dad on the case, and the culprit was soon discovered: the closet with the treats.
As each little bag of treats was taken out, they were infested with bugs. To say it was gross would be an understatement, but we had to toss about ten bags of dog treats like this. It's all part of living out in the sticks.
The whole process took about a half hour, and led to some unexpected treasure: a box of pictures from Christmas, 1984. It was sweet. The best part of all this, though: my dad did all this while wrapped in a towel, having just stepped out of the shower.
Posted at 10:02 AM | Comments (1)
July 29, 2005
Shoot me now
So, the NHL is starting back up in October, and one of the major rule changes that they've brought about is that tie games will end in a shootout, where three skaters from each team get breakaways on the goalie. Whoever wins the shootout, wins the game. I think this is a stupid, stupid idea.
First, let's look at the major reason for a shootout: fans think ties are dumb. I think fans are dumb. Yes, a tie can leave you unfulfilled. Nobody won! Woe is me! But dammit, ending a tie in a shootout is not going to fullfil anybody either.
I am not going to start with the "home run derby" contest to end tie baseball games comparison. I'm sick of that. But what I'm saying is that in the end, after a shootout, you don't really get the feeling that you "won."
My main evidence for this is that for about four or five years, Major League Soccer ended their tie games with a shootout. Almost every fan hated it, and I predict that NHL fans will hate the shootout, too. They hated it so much, in fact, that they dropped it and went back to ties.
I'm not going to lie, the shootout is exciting. A lot of things are exciting. A game of rock paper scissors can be exciting. Throwing rocks at things are exciting. But nowhere would anyone suppose that these are good ways to resolve something.
Plus, when the shootouts begin to pile up, other things will be decided based on shootout results. I'm certain some fans would be upset to find out their team missed the playoffs because they can't win a shootout.
So, we will see how this shootout thing works. But, my prediction is that it will create more problems than it will solve. It's simply not a good idea.
Posted at 02:30 PM | Comments (1)
I just wasn't made for these times
Here's on of my ultimate whines. I had to go to the doctor yesterday, ostensibly for a check-up. Yet my mom somehow slipped into the appointment that I might have heart problems, on account of the fact that it runs in the family. So, after poking and prodding me, they decided that I am, in fact, perfectly fine. But the doctor, bless his soul, wanted to send me for some other test.
To complicate matters, my insurance runs out on July 31, so we had to do the test before then, or stick me with the bill. (And that would definitely give me heart problems!) Of course, the only time available was 7 in the morning today. I rose at 6 am with a heavy heart, went to the hospital, and fell asleep on the exam table. Luckily there was no white light.
And, sorry to say, I won't be getting rubbed out just yet. At least not because of a heart problem. But as for other people who might have it in for me, that remains to be seen.
Posted at 12:57 PM | Comments (0)
July 28, 2005
Tax dollars at work?
Personally, I find the best way is to get 'em drunk!
LONDON (Reuters) - Forget expensive presents or costly jewelry. Wining and dining is the best way for men to woo women, scientists said Tuesday.
Researchers at Imperial College London developed a mathematical formula and modeled courtship as a sequential game to find the best way to impress the ladies.
Their results show that offering an expensive present signals the man's serious intentions but he must be wary of being exploited by gold-diggers who will dump him after receiving the gift.
Posted at 12:23 PM | Comments (1)
July 27, 2005
Start 'em young
I sincerely hope this is a typo:
The following people were booked into the Fairfield County Jail from Friday to Monday. These are booking reports only. The city or county prosecutor will decide later whether to file formal charges.
...
Jay M. Jeffers, 4, of Lancaster; booked at 9:28 p.m. Friday for public intoxication. He was released at 10:03 p.m. Friday.
Four years old? Sheeeeeit!
Posted at 11:48 AM | Comments (0)
July 26, 2005
Sweet justice
Some items picked up via Eric Zorn:
First, there's this:
Notorious Russian spammer Vardan Kushnir was found bludgeoned to death in his Moscow apartment on Sunday. He was killed by repeated blows to the head, Russian news agency Interfax reports.
On a more light-hearted note, we have the ten best trick plays in sports:
10. The Fake to Third, Throw to First. When a pitcher does this, one of two things happens. If he's a visiting pitcher, everyone screams, "Balk!" (It's not. You can fake a throw to second or third if the base is occupied.) If he's pitching for the home team, everyone turns to the person next to him and says, "You know, I've never seen that play work."
The best trick play of all time, according to this writer, is truly deserving of that title. I've seen variations of the play used to great effect in intramural flag football games:
One time I was watching SportsCenter and they showed a highlight from what was either a high school or junior high basketball game. This kid was on the right baseline and suddenly he bolted for the door, ran through the lobby and came back into the gym through the door on the left baseline. Needless to say, he was wide open. His teammate threw him the ball, Stu Scott yelled "Holla!" and the kid buried a jumper. I thought it was the greatest thing ever until I saw the Barking Dog Trick. You remember the highlight: last second of a high school game, a kid drops down on all fours and starts barking like a dog. Opponents can't help but watch, and the dogboy's teammates take advantage of their disinterest to score the winning basket.
Totally awesome. That's all I can say.
Posted at 12:27 PM | Comments (2)
Woot
Quinn indicated the Sabres are strongly considering a return to a blue-and-gold scheme, but not for this season.
NHL regulations require teams to notify the league of logo and uniform changes a year in advance so merchandise doesn't become obsolete before it can sold.
The Sabres have created multiple in-house uniform designs and are about to evaluate forthcoming designs from Reebok.
I am pretty sure this would make my decade. That particular hockey club made me a wreck in 1994 or so when they decided to ditch the blue and gold for an obnoxious red and black scheme. Should the Sabres actually go back to their original colors, I think it would represent a triumph of old school versus cynical marketing schemes. Though it would itself be a cynical marketing scheme to sell more products... oh whatever.
Posted at 07:42 AM | Comments (2)
July 25, 2005
A funny thing happened on the way to the bank
Hello again. Have I got a totally lame story for you today.
I went for a bike ride this evening, to the bank. I could very well have driven, but I'm a glutton for punishment. As I peddled along, the do-do-do-do-do song from Wizard of Oz pounding in my head, I crested a hill on Fair Avenue and found a car with teenagers and ska band stickers pulling alongside me.
"Way to save the Earth, dude!" they said to me. Lancaster is not necessarily a progressive town, so I figured they were about to say something snarky before ramming me off the road into a tree. Whether or not they were serious, I will never know, as they sped off in their completely irony-free early 90's Toyota Corolla.
For those who are interested, my agenda for today:
* - Sleep.
* - Watch TV.
* - Pick up dog from kennel.
* - Lunch at River Valley Mall.
* - Stop at Kroger for a jug of milk.
* - Watch more TV.
* - Do sudoku puzzle.
* - Eat dinner. (Hot dogs and corn. Mmm mm!)
* - Bike ride.
* - Bake brownies.
Yes, I lead an exciting life. Cheers.
Posted at 08:04 PM | Comments (1)
July 24, 2005
On and on
I made the exciting trek from Chicago to Lancaster today. I made it in record time - about six hours - due to the typical lack of Sunday morning traffic. I did so with my bike stuck to the back of the car. I used this rack which seemed to have no definitive way of being fastened to the car, but it stuck like superglue and did a most excellent job, which is to say it didn't cause me to lose my bike.
It reminded me of the Big Wheel Incident. Big Wheels were these cool-ass toys in the 80's that I used to love. They were little bike-like things that you could pedal around and crash into stuff. I would play on it for hours, and now when I look at them I couldn't even fit my head in one of them.
Anyhow, we used to bring the Big Wheels with us to Buffalo when we would visit the grandparents. My dad would tie them to the top of our green Oldsmobile station wagon with bungee cord, load us and Stanley the Dog into the car, and take off. One time, *my* Big Wheen came free from its bungee, and hurdled off the car somewhere between Cleveland and Erie, PA. I was pissed, and we backtracked to look for it, but to no avail. We still talk about that to this day. Luckily my bike avoided a fate for now.
Today, somewhere around Indianapolis, I saw this charter bus with "Alabama Limo" emblazened across the back. It was a nice looking bus - I suppose more of a motor coach - but all I could think of the whole way home was how in Alabama, a "limo" is a tricked out bus. Hence, you get a bus, and call it an Alabama Limo. I am sure that Alabama Limo was merely the company name and not a suggestion about Alabama, but it sure was funny. You know: "Hey Cletus, how'd you get from Huntsville to Birmingham?" "Thanks for asking, Billy Joe. I picked me up one of them Alabama Limos in Bayou la Batre."
If you are from Alabama and would like to send me hate mail, please do so here. And thanks for reading.
Posted at 08:13 PM | Comments (1)
July 21, 2005
Play the lottery
Tomorrow is the NHL draft lottery, the winner of which gets the opportunity to draft Sidney Crosby, who is considered on par with players like Mario Lemieux and (gasp!) Wayne Gretzky. Now, clearly it is too early to judge the guy, because he is not even 18 yet, but he is one of the most coveted players of the past twenty years. So, okay, that's a lot of pressure.
My beloved Buffalo Sabres are one of four teams with the best chance to win the first selection, and it would be awesome if Buffalo could nab the choice. But conspiracy theorists reckon it will be the New York Rangers, as the NHL would want nothing more than for its great hope to be playing in its biggest media market. The Rangers have been one of the most poorly-run clubs of the past decade, and they are one of the main reasons that this whole lockout mess happened in the first place. They'll probably find a way to mess up should they get the first pick, anyway. So, Gary Bettman, give Buffalo something to cheer for - call our number in the lottery!
Posted at 09:25 PM | Comments (0)
Awesome
Do you want to know the most difficult thing ever? It's trying to pedal a bike while holding a 32 ounce cup of Coke in your left hand. My hand is sticky, and it's not even the typical reason a guy's hand is sticky. It's because I've got pop spilled all over my hand!
That said, I made it through my difficult journey relatively unscathed. It was even worse, because my bike is getting a bum tire that I will have to replace, and it causes me, occasionally, to lose an edge. That happened to me once, and I almost got run over by a cab for my trouble.
When I did finally get home, a drunk guy was walking down the street. He was dropping f bombs left and right, before insulting me (I think) and finally asking me for a dollar. I said no, because if I am going to give a drunk a dollar, it's going to be a nice drunk. Luckily he dropped some more f bombs and stormed off, but it was not the kind of thing you want to come home to.
Posted at 08:01 PM | Comments (0)
The boy's allright
Say what you will about politics, it's good to have a "friend" up there:
Sen. Charles Schumer said he didn't like Supreme Court nominee John G. Roberts Jr. the first time he appeared before the Senate Judiciary Committee, and now the two will meet again for "a whole new ballgame" -- one with much higher stakes.
Schumer, D-N.Y., responded to President Bush's selection of the Buffalo-born Roberts by referring to his past meeting with the then-federal appeals court nominee in 2003.
...
The son of a former Bethlehem Steel executive, Roberts was born in Buffalo but left when his family moved when he was a young boy. But his childhood was apparently long enough to make him a fan of the city's football team, the Bills.
I bet if he was on the court in 2000, he could have overruled that Music City Miracle crap. Fuckers...
Posted at 07:19 AM | Comments (0)
July 20, 2005
No!!!!
Every year for the past twenty years or so, my hometown of Lancaster has put on this two week festival cleverly titled The Lancaster Festival. Now I usually rip on the town, but they definitely earn some points for having such a cultural thing in place.
But my sweet lord, was I stunned when I saw the schedule of events. Playing two shows next Wednesday is none other than Mr. McCutcheon, the person who gave me my only failing grade, ever. It was beginning guitar, senior year of college, and I fully deserved my F: I stopped going. As some of you know, three of us took this class because we thought we would some day be able to sit on our porch and jam out CCR tunes and stuff.
Alas, we sucked and my two friends dropped the class. But I had a typical brain fart and neglected to do the same. When I realized I was going to get an F, I tried to find a way to get the class scrapped from my record, but to no avail. So, my last report card as a college student featured a big stinking F. Moral of the story: avoid the River Valley Mall next week.
Posted at 09:18 AM | Comments (2)
July 19, 2005
Toodly'do's
I'm off for a trip here today. Pray my navigator knows how to get there, because if we are not careful, we could well wind up here instead. And if we're really not careful, we could run into this. Either way, hopefully I'll be back later today!
Posted at 08:07 AM | Comments (1)
Advantages to being unemployed
Advantages to being unemployed, no. 4,935:
Scruffy beard from not shaving every day makes me look like less-athletic Johnny Damon.
Posted at 07:28 AM | Comments (1)
July 18, 2005
Y'all come back now
I was standing on the street corner near Wrigley Field today, when a couple of college looking kids came up to me and asked me where the Bears played. I was taken aback, because they were wearing Cubs hats and ought to know where Soldier Field is.
So I said, "the Chicago Bears?" because maybe they meant some bar band called the Bears. I told them they play at Soldier Field, which is way the other way. They proceeded to explain that they were from South Carolina and had no idea where anything was. Then they asked me what all those lights were, and I said it was Wrigley Field.
I had to giggle at the whole thing, because they were wearing the Cubs hats which upon closer inspection appeared to be brand new. And now they were trying to roll to Soldier Field, apparently without a car or any idea on how to get there. So, to you, kids out for exploring the city, good luck to you. And, I have an elevator pass I'd like to sell you.
Also, in what some may call "predicting the future," I once again saw people filming for the Jennifer Aniston flick along the lakefront. But there was no Jennifer this time, only sweaty cameramen. Maybe it was some second unit mumbo jumbo or something.
And another thing. My little brother's in Brazil until August 8. Last weekend he went into the jungle, and came back with fucking Dengue Fever. Holy shit! Luckily it seems he has the mild version, and should be allright. And here I was thinking I am all exotic because I once caught e. coli.
Posted at 01:24 PM | Comments (0)
What I did on summer vacation, part one
Ah yes, now that I have no pesky job to weigh me down, I can enjoy the finer things in life. I stayed up until 1:30 rearranging furniture in my apartment. I started playing SimCity on my computer, and am typically addicted. It's good stuff. Now, I am going to go for a run and maybe I'll sight Jennifer Aniston again.
Posted at 10:12 AM | Comments (1)
Despicable
I was asked recently what my favorite swear word is. After careful deliberation, I said "motherfucker." That's what this guy apparently is:
PITTSBURGH -- A T-ball coach allegedly paid one of his players $25 to hurt an 8-year-old mentally disabled teammate so he wouldn't have to put the boy in the game, police said Friday.
Mark R. Downs Jr., 27, of Dunbar, is accused of offering one of his players the money to hit the boy in the head with a baseball, police said. Witnesses told police Downs didn't want the boy to play in the game because of his disability.
Police said the boy was hit in the head and in the groin with a baseball just before a game and did not play.
"The coach was very competitive," state police trooper Thomas B. Broadwater said. "He wanted to win."
Posted at 09:17 AM | Comments (0)
July 15, 2005
Goodbye to all that
So, today is my last day of work. I'm saying so long and departing on the arduous journey that is law school. I'm excited but also sad. Currently I am pissed off because all this stuff keeps breaking down, and I must leave in approximately two hours. So I really should go do that.
But, I'm going to miss my pals here on the Northwest Side. It's been fun. And to think, I wrote this website for three years, and nobody ever yelled at me about it! (But if you're reading - hey.)
My next post will be from the friendly confines of home. See y'all then!
Posted at 08:42 AM | Comments (1)
Frivolous lawsuit of the day
From the Sun-Times:
Radio station's April Fool's prank leads to Hummer of a lawsuit
July 15, 2005
LOS ANGELES -- Shannon Castillo was less than pleased when she took possession of the new Hummer she won in a radio contest.
Instead of the muscular Hummer H2 vehicle she expected, Castillo got a radio-controlled toy model.
It was an April Fool's Day prank.
''I just couldn't believe that they would actually humiliate someone like that,'' Castillo said.
Castillo, 25, has sued radio station KBDS-FM over the weeklong ''contest'' in which listeners were supposed to track the number of miles two H2s traveled around town.
She said she hired a baby-sitter so she could arrive at the station at 6 a.m. on the day of the giveaway, April 1. After she waited for two hours, she said, a DJ pulled up in the back of a truck and handed her and another listener the toys.
The station did not return a call for comment Wednesday.
The lawsuit, filed June 21, seeks $60,000 -- about the cost of a real H2.
Do you want some cheese to go with that whine?
Radio station: bunch of idiots. But lawsuit worthy? Don't know about that. But I think she should have gotten some other sort of prize, too. I mean, asking somebody to come to the radio station at 6 am is pretty weak.
Posted at 07:46 AM | Comments (0)
July 14, 2005
Harry who?
Yet another Harry Potter book is set for release this week. And boy oh boy, are people getting worked up about it. The Pope reckons it erodes Christianity, while a store in Canada accidentally sold 14 copies, leading a judge to order the purchasers to shut their pie holes.
Whuhhh? It's a book! I don't understand. It's not like somebody let slip the codes to Terry Benedict's vault or, you know, outed an undercover CIA operative. The world isn't going to end if somebody gets hold of the story. They got it early! Call the SWAT Team! Though I've always thought that if they really wanted the thing kept secret, they shouldn't be sending the book to the stores a week in advance.
Now, I'm glad for the Harry Potter craze. It's good that the kiddies are getting worked up about a book instead of a video game. Reading is good. I like to read. If Harry Potter gets the kids reading, that's a very good thing. I've never actually read a Harry Potter book, because, you know, I'm a grownup. (I know that many adults read Harry Potter books, but that doesn't mean I will.) All this means for me is that I had better stay away from the Borders this Saturday.
Posted at 09:02 AM | Comments (0)
July 13, 2005
Cubs vs. Sox
I was thinking the other day, which family unfriendly rant by a Chicago baseball manager is better? The contenders:
Lee Elia, 1983 [On Cub fans]:
Fuck those fuckin' fans who come out here and say they're Cub fans that are supposed to be behind you, rippin' every fuckin' thing you do. I'll tell you one fuckin' thing, I hope we get fuckin' hotter than shit, just to stuff it up them 3,000 fuckin' people that show up every fuckin' day, because if they're the real Chicago fuckin' fans, they can kiss my fuckin' ass right downtown and print it.
They're really, really behind you around here...my fuckin' ass. What the fuck am I supposed to do, go out there and let my fuckin' players get destroyed every day and be quiet about it? For the fuckin' nickel-dime people who turn up? The mother fuckers don't even work. That's why they're out at the fuckin' game. They oughta go out and get a fuckin' job and find out what it's like to go out and earn a fuckin' living. Eighty-five percent of the fuckin' world is working. The other fifteen percent come out here. A fuckin' playground for the cock suckers. Rip them mother fuckers. Rip them fuckin' cock suckers like the fuckin' players. We got guys bustin' their fuckin' ass, and them fuckin' people boo. And that's the Cubs? My fuckin' ass. They talk about the great fuckin' support the players get around here. I haven't see it this fuckin' year. Everybody associated with this organization have been winners their whole fuckin' life. Everybody. And the credit is not given in that respect.
Alright, they don't show because we're 5 and 14...and unfortunately, that's the criteria of them dumb fifteen mother fuckin' percent that come out to day baseball. The other eighty-five percent are earning a living. I tell you, it'll take more than a 5 and 12 or 5 and 14 to destroy the makeup of this club. I guarantee you that. There's some fuckin' pros out there that wanna win. But you're stuck in a fuckin' stigma of the fuckin' Dodgers and the Phillies and the Cardinals an all that cheap shit. It's unbelievable. It really is. It's a disheartening fuckin' situation that we're in right now. Anybody who was associated with the Cub organization four or five years ago that came back and sees the multitude of progress that's been made will understand that if they're baseball people, that 5 and 14 doesn't negate all that work. We got 143 fuckin' games left.
What I'm tryin' to say is don't rip them fuckin' guys out there. Rip me. If you wanna rip somebody, rip my fuckin' ass. But don't rip them fuckin' guys 'cause they're givin' everything they can give. And right now they're tryin' to do more than God gave 'em, and that's why we make the simple mistakes. That's exactly why.
Ozzie Guillen, 2005 [On Magglio Ordonez]:
He's a piece of shit. He's another Venezuelan shit. Fuck him. He thinks he's got an enemy? No, he's got a big one. He knows I can fuck him over in a lot of different ways.
He better shut the fuck up and just play for the Detroit Tigers. Why do I have to go over and even apologize to him? Who the fuck is Magglio Ordonez? What did he ever do for me? He didn't do shit for me. But he said I'm his enemy -- he knows me. Tell him he knows me, and he can take it how he wants to take it.
Did he play good for me? Yes, he did. Did he play hard for me? Yes, he did. He might like me. He might be sensitive of me. He might be jealous of me, I don't know why. But saying I'm his enemy, he hates me, I could care less what that fuck thinks. I don't give a fuck what he does with the rest of his life. He fucked with the wrong guy, and he knows that, too. He knows for a fact that he fucked with the wrong people.
Oh, Ozzie Ozzie Ozzie. I don't know where to begin. I honestly have to declare Lee Elia the winner here, because his diatribe has so far withstood the test of time. His rant was directed at an entire fan base, while Ozzie was merely calling out Magglio Ordonez, whom nobody likes anyway. I haven't done an analysis yet, but I think Elia's fuck to other word ratio is much higher than Ozzie's. However, Elia loses points, because an a native English speaker, he should be more eloquent than Guillen, a noted butcher of the language. Yet, there is a certain elegance to Elia's remarks; they were made in support of his players, who were taking a ragging at the hands of the Bleacher Bums.
Ozzie is a rising star in the angry quote ranks, and I am certain that before his time in baseball is up, he will unleash something to rival Lee Elia.
Posted at 02:07 PM | Comments (2)
Khan!!!
Suduko is my new mortal enemy. It's a logic game that is starting to sprout up in newspapers. It's simple, really: you are given a 9 x 9 grid, and each vertical and horizontal line, as well as each smaller 3 x 3 box, must contain every number from 1 to 9. It is by far the hardest thing I've ever done, but hopefully once I develop a method I will start kicking ass. It reminds me of the LSAT logic games, which as you might know, are the most irritating thing this side of Donny Osmond.
You can give the Suduko a whirl here.
Posted at 08:08 AM | Comments (1)
A for effort
From today's Dayton Daily News:
Alert officer spots prisoners clinging to bottom of bus
By the Associated Press
COLUMBUS | A police detective thwarted an attempted escape from the county jail when she spotted two women in prison garb clinging to the undercarriage of a jail bus leaving the courthouse.
Amy Morris yelled to a court security guard to call for backup and ran after the bus as it rolled down the street Monday morning. Because she was scheduled to be in court, she wasn't carrying her gun, radio or handcuffs.
The women dropped off the bus when it stopped for a light. One fell and the other ran.
Morris took off after the fleeing woman, thinking the other had hurt herself and wouldn't get far.
After a short chase, the detective caught Tracy Mobley, 39, who had been jailed since Saturday on aggravated theft charges.
Meanwhile, Terry Myer, who works for a private detective agency, was in a car behind the bus. He got out and tackled the other prisoner, Mari Morrisey, 40, who had been arraigned that morning on several traffic charges, including drunken driving. She also had been arrested Saturday.
Both women have been charged with felony escape, sheriff's Detective Richard Coyne said Tuesday.
Mobley is hospitalized with a broken back suffered during the escape. Officers don't know if she injured herself when she dropped from the bus or after she began running, Coyne said.
The bus bumper hit Morrisey in the head after she dropped but did not cause serious injuries, Coyne said. Morrisey is back in jail.
Coyne said Mobley confessed the women planned the escape while walking from the jail to the bus. He would not elaborate on how the women escaped their shackles and got under the bus.
This joins a long line of failed escape attempts, from the little guy in The Great Escape who tries to sneak out in bails of hay, to the guy who made a fake Army uniform to escape Alcatraz, and my favorite: Colonel Blood's theft of the Crown Jewels. Better luck next time, bucko!
Posted at 07:31 AM | Comments (1)
July 12, 2005
I'm selling out
Allright, so a few hours ago I mentioned how much I love the Sobe Lean radio commercials. Wouldn't you know they have them online? They've done perhaps the rarest thing in advertising: making a radio ad that somebody actually likes! (And I'm not making that up. I once read a book wherein radio advertising was referred to as a graveyard for copywriters.)
Posted at 06:45 PM | Comments (0)
The proof is in the pudding
Along with Underpass Mary, I think this is a sign that the End Times are upon us!
East Chicago, Indiana, city officials have turned off a streetlight that drew more than 250 people to see a shadow that some say resembles the image of Jesus Christ.
The East Chicago Police Chief called an emergency meeting Sunday to recommend the light be turned off in the interest of public safety.
Nearby residents complained about blocked cars and visitors congregating until 5:00 am.
Several arrests were made Friday night after a large fight broke out in the area.
People have flocked to the site since Wednesday, when a woman first claimed to see the image on the side of a tree. The image is only visible at night when the streetlight near the tree is illuminated.
Posted at 10:44 AM | Comments (0)
Back back right out the door
Is it me, or is Chris Berman way past his prime? I can't lie, Boomer will be a permanent part of my childhood, but the guy has to get a new shtick.
I was watching the Home Run Derby last night, and every time one of the sluggers belted the ball deep into the Detroit night, Berman would shout, "back back back!" until the ball landed. Every now and then, he would throw in the name of some far-off Michigan city: "Back back back, all the way to Ypsilanti!" Or Lansing, or East Lansing, or my favorite, Kalamazoo. Admittedly, there is not much insight that can be added to a home run derby, but he's got to find something else to say. The only way he can redeem himself, however, is if he can somehow squeeze in a reference to "nobody circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills." That would be a great piece of commentary.
[Side note: I love the new Sobe Lean radio commercials. "No, de wall eez holding up eetself!"]
Posted at 08:19 AM | Comments (3)
July 11, 2005
No respect
The biggest story in Chicago this week has been a ban on cell phones while driving. But it's very hard to enforce, mostly because it is only in the city. There's also an issue as to whether it can be enforced on the expressways, which are monitored by the highway patrol as opposed to the city police. (Yes, the highway patrol CAN write tickets for it, but only if they know about the law.)
The law says that you can be on the phone while in the car, so long as you are on the side of the road with the car in park. So, today, I was driving along the road about to get on the expressway, when I see a Lexus SUV slam on the brakes and veer off the road. It nearly caused an accident! She was pulling over to make a phone call.
Posted at 04:01 PM | Comments (0)
Shivers down my spine
That was my attempt at a lame pun about this story:
MEXICO CITY - One of history's most infamous murder weapons, the icepick police believe was used to kill Russian revolutionary Leon Trotsky, has resurfaced just weeks before the 65th anniversary of his assassination.
Tests to authenticate the weapon have been delayed by a dispute between the current owner, who may hope to sell it, and Trotsky's grandson, who wants it for his museum — evidence of the ongoing struggle between socialist ideals and capitalism.
...
Trotsky helped lead the 1917 Russian Revolution, but split with Josef Stalin and fled to Mexico in 1937, accusing Stalin of betraying the revolution. Stalin is widely believed to have arranged Trotsky's Aug. 20, 1940, murder, in which a man sneaked up behind Trotsky and sank the icepick into his skull.
I've always had a morbid fascination with Trotsky's murder. I mean, an ice pick? Dear God! It's such a typically Soviet means of murder: these are the same guys who would later hang Hungarian revolutionaries with coathangers.
However, I was slightly disappointed when I got a look at the murder weapon. It's more of an axe than how I envisioned it. I always thought of it as one of these bad boys. Either way, that's a pretty shitty way to go, eh?
Posted at 02:46 PM | Comments (0)
Really?
In other news, it can now be revealed that the Pope is Catholic:
ROME (Reuters) - Most Italians think nude sunbathing is perfectly natural and don't mind crossing paths with bottomless beach-goers -- even when those bottoms are unsightly, survey results released Sunday said.
While topless sunbathing is widely practiced in Italy, bottoms are usually required and nudists can face fines of more than 500 euros ($595) on some beaches, the Italian Naturalist Federation said.
But the federation said a poll it commissioned from a mainstream media outlet found nearly 70 percent of those surveyed said they would sunbath nude if everyone else did it. More than 80 percent said nudism was not erotic, but natural.
I don't know where I stand on this. I can't say I like being around naked old dudes, or any sort of naked dude, but I guess I could deal. I just don't know.
However, I do have a problem with guys in Speedos. That is just wrong. One time, we were down Florida for the infamous Dayton-to-Daytona trip, and we came upon an old dude laying on the beach. His attire of choice was the tight black speedo. I love when old people are tan, because their pure white chest hair stands out even more than normal. I am kidding, of course.
The black speedo guy looked like he was asleep, except for one certain part of his body: the part that the speedo was supposed to be covering. There he was, laying face up on the beach, with a gigantic erection. It stayed like that for a good ten minutes, as we alternately giggled and looked away in disgust. That, to me, should be worth a fine.
Posted at 09:22 AM | Comments (1)
July 08, 2005
Move night
Fantastic Four is out today. Can't say I'm going to rush out to see it, but I was interested in one particular part of the movie: there's one scene in trailer where a gigantic "4" is written in the sky with clouds or smoke or something like that. Is this akin to the Bat Signal? Because, if it is, that's a fairly crappy way to summon your super heroes. What takes longer? Writing 4 in the sky or making a phone call?
That's what bothers me about superheroes. They have all these superpowers, wear fancy costumes and save the world. But they can't put a mobile phone in their pockets? I mean, Batman's got a utility belt. Can't he clip a phone to it? But I suppose if somebody calls Batman for help, he can always hit ignore and then call back the next day: "Sorry Officer, the Bat Cave has really bad reception." But it's pretty damn hard to miss that bat signal. Is that why they do it?
Now, this leads to the obvious question: what's your superhero calling method?
Apart from a bat signal that says "OZ" instead of a bat, I think I'd invent some sort of convuluted system whereby you must request my help by sending a messenger pigeon. Because, you know, if you'd go through all the trouble to get a messenger pigeon, it must be damn important.
Posted at 08:52 AM | Comments (1)
Damn you people. Go back to your shanties.
Apparently Michelle Wie is playing in a men's PGA Tour event this weekend. She's in pretty good shape to make the cut, which would be the first time a female has done so in a PGA event in 60 years.
Now, somebody can correct me if I am wrong, but what exactly is stopping a woman from doing well in the PGA? The only thing I can think of is that women can't drive the ball quite as far. According to ESPN, the strongest men are whacking that ball about 310 yards, while the women top out at 260 yards. It seems to me that if you can get a woman to bulk up and add about 20 yards to her drives, women will be equally competitive with men.
Because, really, what else is there? I was thinking the other day how golf really is not a man's game. Apart from the driving, it requires quite a few unmanly elements: A deft, light touch to chip the ball from close distances; Good, sound judgement for determining what club to use; and perfect manners. In fact, I can't believe Tiger Woods' caddy hasn't thrown someone into the lake for scratching his ass while Tiger is trying to line up a putt.
Now, if any golfers want to correct me and tell me why else women can't golf, lay it on me.
Posted at 08:20 AM | Comments (1)
July 07, 2005
Trivia question
Here's a bit of trivia I just heard on the radio. Every baseball fan worth his salt knows that Willie Mays was on deck when Bobby Thomson hit his shot heard round the world. But who was on deck when Hank Aaron hit home run #715 to pass Babe Ruth? And yes, you've heard of him.
Posted at 01:23 PM | Comments (1)
Damn terrorists
As you've probably heard, London was hit with a series of coordinated bombings this morning. At least 40 people are confirmed dead, and there'll probably be more. Some of these explosions took place relatively near where I spent one of the best months of my life in 2001, in the Bayswater neighborhood. The city's got soul, but it also has a grim fatalism about its lot in life. For updates, check here and here.
Posted at 07:59 AM | Comments (0)
July 06, 2005
Oz's mailbag
I've been remiss in opening the mailbag here at Squealer HQ lately, and I paid for it when the millions of pages of printouts from all the comments I've gotten nearly flattened me like a dime under a train. But that's my fault: I printed them in 2-billion point font.
Nevertheless, some interesting questions were posed by all three of my loyal readers.
There was quite a donneybrook about the Columbus Stars, the youth baseball team that was tossed out of a recreation league for being too good.
John reckons:
Pansies is too easy on them. I suggest another word that starts with 'p'.
Using the logic of these f-tards, our Cubbies would have disbanded decades ago.
You said it, my friend. One of the major themes of sport, and life for that matter, is disappointment. Chances are, there's someone better than you. I considered the other p-word too, but as you know, this is a family web site. He he he!
However, what I presume to be another John puts me in my place:
Don't believe everything you read in the paper. The true story is quite different than was printed in the paper, but wouldn't have been as good a story for the paper. In Youth sports, there are "travel" or "select" leagues, where teams are chosen and the same team typically plays together year after year. Then there are recreation leagues that communities form to give the kids something to do. The talent level is vastly different, so travel teams play in their own league and rec. teams play in their own league. The Columbus Stars were a travel team that had been kicked out of the travel league the season before, and lied to the Canal Winchester recreation league about being a rec. team so they had a place to play. They were kicked out because they should not have been in the league in the first place. I could go on, but hopefully this little insight will help you understand that this team was not the victim as the story would lead you to believe.
Now see, this is something to think about. Why'd they get kicked out of their other league? Did they get kicked out of that one for being too good, too? Furthermore, I've seen no follow-up stories about this being the case. Either way, I think this is once again an example of adults punishing children for the actions of other adults. I don't think any 11 year olds are responsible for this, yet they bear the brunt because they aren't allowed to play baseball.
Nevertheless, it's an intriguing story. Thanks for writing.
Next, Christy sarcastically encourages me after I learned that Avril is getting hitched:
Sorry to hear yet another Canadian has chosen to marry another. But on the bright side for you, all these hollywood marriages only last a year or so, so soon she'll be single again, and you can scoop her up!
Thanks for your support, honey! I suppose I should mention that now that you hold the brand new title of "Osgood's Super Duper Girlfriend," I'm very glad to know that you'd be okay with me wooing Avril when that ass-clown from Sum 41 leaves her high, dry, and knocked-up. Don't forget, I have it writing now!
Then, Pete apparently has nominated me for membership into the Dirty Old Men's Association:
Welcome to the Club. Before you're officially inducted, please confirm that you already noticed how phallic that canoe looks.
We're talking about certain graduation pictures, and you're right, I did not notice how phallic the canoe looked. But now I do. Thanks a lot, buddy! Christy, you can stop reading now. In fairness, am I officially a dirty old man? I mean, I'm 25. Surely I must have, you know, at least 5 years left. I think 30 is borderline dirty old man, and I really don't think you can be dirty until like 50. Before then, you're creepy. I can handle being called creepy - that would be nothing new for me!
Next, Gentile wonders why I slam the choice of the new generation:
What's wrong with Pepsi? Are you one of those holier-than-thou Coke imbiber's? Chicago is a Pepsi town (meaning they sell more Pepsi than Coke at Jewel). Do you have something against the colors Red, White, and Blue? Coke is all Red, maybe you should drink that, commie!
PS: I too appreciate a good grilled Hot Dog and Chocolate Shake at the Weiner's Circle. Although admittedly, I have a soft-spot for Portillo's Dog's, and I have no idea how they prepare those...
First, I think I should note that I often wonder if there is some symbolism in Coke being all red and Pepsi being red, white, and blue. Is Coke the Ivan Drago to Pepsi's plucky Rocky Balboa? But then I thought some more about it, and I came to this realization: Pepsi plain sucks. I hate the way it tastes. It's too carbonated, and it smells funny.
But there is a specific reason. In 1992 or so, the Ohio State Fair signed an exclusive contract with Pepsi to provide beverages at the Fair. This caused many foodies who would only serve Coke to abandon the fair. I have no idea why this happened, but I was infuriated, and vowed to never drink another Pepsi. And since then, I have not willingly had a Pepsi. I even choose restaurants based on whether or not they have Coke. So to answer your question, yes, I am a snob.
Finally, Stat Boy agrees with for once:
Yes, Ken Harrelson sucks balls! I can't stand, "You can put it on the board...yes!" Fuck him!
That Heave the Hawk web site is awesome. How'd you find that?
You're mighty right. The guy is a clown. He makes Ron Santo look like Walter Cronkite.
But we have a special association with The Hawk. A friend of ours, who shall remain nameless, has a dad who loves the Chicago White Sox. He would watch the Sox even if they were losing by 14 runs. One day, so the story goes, some people were at this particular house when a request was made to watch the TV program "Friends." Maybe you've heard of it? Anyhow, this coincided with a Sox game and Ken's babbling. The request was flatly turned down: "No. I'm watching my Sox!" And that was that. Ever since then, I think we've harbored a special hatred for the Sox and The Hawk.
Shit, this was a long mailbag. Did you make it this far? Good for you. You win a prize. In fact, it's nearly 1200 words. This may as well be in the New Yorker.
Thanks for reading, and keep the comments coming in!
Posted at 02:49 PM | Comments (2)
Why am I here?
Sorry to say, my only knowledge of Adm. James Stockdale came from the barbs he took on Saturday Night Live during the 1992 Presidential Campaign. One classic sketch that is continually replayed has Dana Carvey as Ross Perot tricking Stockdale, played by Phil Hartman, into getting out of the campaign van, only to be abandoned on the side of the road.
Now that he has died at 81, I've finally learned what a heroic person he was:
If anyone was suited to withstand such a setback, it may have been Adm. Stockdale. The Navy once sent him to Stanford University; he later said that from a philosophy course there, he learned of Epictetus, the crippled former slave whose motto has been given as "bear and forbear."
Whatever hardships he bore in politics, they appeared to pale in comparison to Vietnam.
On Sept. 9, 1965, his A-4 fighter-bomber was hit by antiaircraft fire, and he ejected over a small coastal village. A beating on the ground broke his left knee. It was broken again in prison, and he never regained its full use. In prison, he was tortured and suffered other injuries. He was placed in leg irons for two years and held in solitary confinement for four.
But it gets worse:
As recounted in the citation for his Medal of Honor, the military's highest award for valor, he mutilated himself to stay out of propaganda photographs. Later, he managed to slash his wrists, coming close enough to death to convince his captors that he would not give in. The Navy said the torture of other prisoners then abated.
That led him to receive the Medal of Honor, as well as immediate election to my personal hero hall of fame. Amazing. Happy trails, Adm. Stockdale.
Posted at 09:15 AM | Comments (0)
Why 11 year olds don't run the country
This seems like a good idea, but I don't think it's going to fly:
GREEN TREE, Pa. - A state lawmaker is pushing for doggy seat belts on the advice of an 11-year-old constituent. Marc McCann of Green Tree came up with the idea as part of state Rep. Tom Stevenson's annual "There Ought to be a Law" contest.
Stevenson, R-Pa., submitted a bill to the House Transportation Committee in June that would require drivers to keep their dogs' heads inside the vehicle at all times. Stevenson also wants to require drivers to restrain the animals, either with some kind of modified seat belt or in a crate or carrier box.
"I never did like dogs sticking their heads out the window," said McCann, one of more than 500 students from his legislative district who proposed laws. "Maybe a sign might have been too close to the road and they'd get hit. Maybe they'd jump out the window on a highway."
Stevenson said the bill will protect "not only human lives, but pet lives. I think it's going to be a great idea because it's going to cut down on driver distractions."
A dog seat belt? Is this a joke? Unless they are breeding some sort of superdog in Pennsylvania, I'd be very interested to see how exactly they plan to get a dog to stay in a seat belt. The average six year old can barely keep one on, how are they going to find a dog who'll allow himself to be strapped down like that?
Putting dogs in a cage isn't a viable option either. Most dogs, or at least any dog worth his salt, is too big to go in a cage. I would also question whether that would really lessen driver distraction, because the average caged dog is going to howl like a madman as soon as the door shuts on 'em.
But go ahead, make the law. I'll sure feel better knowing the state is looking out for me because I can't take care of my dog.
Posted at 07:10 AM | Comments (0)
July 05, 2005
For the dork in you
One of my newer obsessions has been to check the travel times on the expressway before I leave work. If the traffic on the road is fairly reasonable, I will drive home on the Kennedy Expressway instead of the normal city street route.
I have grown to learn that usually any day past Wednesday is going to suck on the expressway, and not to even bother. And now I have a fun tool to confirm what I already knew: introducting historical Chicagoland travel time stats. The internet is so freaking magical!
Posted at 02:58 PM | Comments (0)
Curses!
I can't take it any more. I hate the Village of River Grove. They, or at least their city employees, are idiots.
Here's my beef: they have no qualms about causing major inconviences for the people driving through their main city streets. Once every two weeks or so - if you're British, that's a fortnight - I'll be driving to work and as soon as I get to the bridge that goes over the Des Plaines River, everything will back up and slow to a one-lane crawl.
Without fail, this back-up is the fault of some River Grove employee who is blocking the road. Why are they blocking the road? To take down decorations. I like the civic pride and beautification River Grove has going on, but they have to set up or take down decorations at a different time than rush hour. These guys take their big city truck, double park it on the bridge, and start putting up wooden cupids or Easter bunnies. It is so frustrating.
Today, the truck was double parked so that they could take down little American flags that were stuck in every single tree along the street. I'm talking like a hundred trees. I suppose I am most annoyed because this smacks of laziness. How hard is it to park the truck somewhere out of the way, and then walk to each tree and get the flag? It's not as if getting a flag down is hard work. I suppose their is a laziness tradeoff: you can expend less effort and energy by using the truck to get to each tree; or, you can park and walk to each tree, which will take more time but also cause you to have to do less work in each day. The lazy bastard in me prefers the latter option.
Posted at 07:27 AM | Comments (0)
All the news that's fit to print
I read somewhere the other day that most people my age prefer to get their news online, and that they tend to eschew reading newspapers. I don't get this. I love reading newspapers. I read probably four or five newspapers online every day, because I can't buy them in Chicago, but then I read my Tribune at lunch and if I am motivated, I'll also read the New York Times. I am a certifiable newspaper junkie.
Sometimes I think it would be really cool to be President of the United States, because then I could get every newspaper I wanted. How cool would it be to come in to the office every morning and have brand new copies of any newspaper I wanted? Hell, if I told them I wanted an Eagle-Gazette they'd probably have some poor schlub whose job it was to go to Lancaster every morning and fly a copy back for me. I'd be the President. I can do whatever I want. (Feel free to insert your own "Invade Iraq" joke here.) I bet they can even get a damn Pravda for me, too.
However, I think they have another person whose job it is to read through all the papers and put stickies on the important stuff. I don't think I'd like that. I want to discover it myself.
My question to you is, if you were President of the United States, what newspaper or magazine would you make them have for you every time you came in the office? I said the Lancaster Eagle-Gazette, but I think I'd also request the Weekly World News. As Tommy Lee Jones in "Men In Black" notes, they always have the real scoop, whether it's Elvis' whereabouts or the latest Satan sighting.
Posted at 07:09 AM | Comments (2)
July 04, 2005
I will survive
Proving that I am no baby, I actually jumped out of the airplane like I said I was going to do. Tandem jumping is an interesting way to do it. I was strapped via four latches to a guy named Ted, who reminded me somewhat of Captain Ron. He was bordering on creepy, but I assumed it was part of the act to calm down the rightfully petrified person that he was strapped to.
The hardest part about the whole skydive was when we had to climb to 10,000 feet in a tiny airplane. It was probably the size of a WW2 fighter, except five people were crammed into the back instead of a bunch of bombs. The ascent took what seemed forever, until we arrived at the prescribed altitude and our pilot opened the door. I didn't say much on the way up, which I thought meant I had some sort of steely resolve but everyone else said it made me look scared off my ass. A number of people have rationalized skydiving as "why would I want to jump out of a perfectly good airplane?" I would submit that with certain planes, such as the tiny Cessna that we inhabited, you want to get out of the damn thing as fast as possible.
After a few nervous moments, I sat out on the edge of the plane until Ted pushed me out.
The next few seconds were a blur, until I realized that I was alive and ought to enjoy the free fall. I felt strangely serene, and then the parachute opened and we were jerked to a much more leisurely pace. I asked Ted if I did the free fall correctly, and he intimated that I suck. Fair enough. I soaked in the scenery, until Ted guided us into a perfect landing feet from where our plane took off.
It was exhilirating and frightening at the same time. Now that I know what to expect, the next time will not be so hard. But, like many things, I don't know when I will try it again. I lived. I think you ought to try it too.
Posted at 09:04 PM | Comments (1)
July 01, 2005
My epitath
If, as expected, I die when I go skydiving tomorrow, I want this image from the Gay Pride Parade to be my epitath. I wish I had that outfit.
Posted at 07:43 AM | Comments (0)
The true north
Happy Canada Day, everyone!
Posted at 07:38 AM | Comments (0)