« July 2005 | Main | September 2005 »

August 31, 2005

There oughta be a law, part 2

I was riding home on the Brown Line last Friday. When I got on the train, it was not very crowded and I took a seat. As it circled around the Loop, the train soon became packed full of commuters and other people who ride the El.

Now, as most people know, there are always people complaining about rude customers on the train who don't get up to offer their seats to women, children, or old men. I have a conscience, and thus will get out of my seat if the train is crowded. (But not if there are seats available. I am not responsible if you don't want to sit next to a particular person.)

I have never met a person who openly espouses the "too bad so sad" mentality, but they must be around. I think I met my first one on Friday.

As I said, the train was full of people, and I was sitting there like a dufus. So at the next stop, I got out of the seat and stepped away from it. A split second later, another guy, approximately my age and none the worse for wear, took the seat, even though there were plenty of people right there who could have used the seat.

Now, sure, my getting up entitles him to take the seat. But I would think that in that situation, me getting out of the seat implies that I think a frail old lady should get the seat, not a strapping lad.

I was pretty close to saying, "You know, I didn't get out of the seat so YOU could have it," but I am a wuss and usually won't accost a person like that, even if they deserve it. Instead, I looked around at the other standees and made a "do you believe this dipshit?" look. Then I glared at him for the duration of my trip.

It's not as if it giving up seats is a rare activity. I see it all the time on the train. I'm simply a little confused that this guy would simply take my seat.

The question is, who is the more unreasonable one here? Me, who vacates a seat on a crowded train, ostensibly for the purpose of giving it to a fellow passenger who needs it more; or the other guy, who seeing a person abandon a seat, takes it for himself? Clearly I think the other guy deserves a kick in the groin, but I'll leave it up to you.

Posted by oz115 at 11:11 AM | Comments (1)

August 30, 2005

Hmm

Yes, it was like your tsunami, except, oh, you had a whole day to get away from it:

"It was like our tsunami," Vincent Creel, a spokesman for the Mississippi Gulf Coast city of Biloxi, said on Tuesday.

When Hurricane Katrina roared ashore on the U.S. Gulf Coast on Monday, it sent a 30-foot (9-meter) storm surge into Biloxi.

Many people were probably trapped in their homes by the ferocious wall of water.

"It's going to be in the hundreds," said Creel, when asked how many people may have died. Police said around 30 people died in one Biloxi apartment complex alone when the storm surge brought it crashing down.

I feel downright terrible about all the destruction and mayhem this hurricane caused, but I don't know how I feel about the people who died trying to wait out the storm. I mean, I've never been in a hurricane, but something tells me that if every single knowledgeable person tells me to get the hell away from a hurricane, I'm gonna do it.

Posted by oz115 at 04:17 PM | Comments (2)

August 29, 2005

Happy trails

So long to Pierluigi Collina, undoubtedly the most famous soccer referee in the world. He's put his whistle away, and retired from the game - but not before accepting a $1 million endoresement deal with Italian car company Opel. I mean, take one look at the guy. He's one scary mofeek.

Posted by oz115 at 08:12 PM | Comments (1)

August 28, 2005

There oughta be a law

I know what I am about to say is completely contradictory to the very idea behind the device in question, but I believe people ought to pass some sort of test to be able to use the self-checkout machine they have at the supermarket.

It seems to me that fully one quarter of the population has no idea how to use these things. Part of the blame goes to the manufacturer of the machine. What is the purpose of making the consumer put the recently scanned items onto another platform which weighs your purchases and determines if you are trying to steal something? (I know it's because they don't want you to steal things - but that is why they have a person monitoring all the self check-out stations.) I would say half the holdups in the self-checkout aisle are from people who get confused when it says "please remove item from basket" or whatever after you scan something.

But back to the general idiocy of people. I myself do not understand what the hold-up is, but everytime I go to the market and stand in the self checkout aisle, there are one or two oafs who stare blankly at the screen while trying to scan their bag of Doritos and six pack of Pepsi. Usually, the poor guy working the aisle has to come bail the fellow out. Other times people can't figure out where to put their money, or how to scan fruit, or how to input something manually.

I am particularly peeved at this right now because I was at the Jewel-Osco on Ashland Ave, and I waited a whole ten minutes in the self checkout aisle to purchase my one item, while one lady struggled with the machine and another man couldn't figure out how to buy eight cases of Red Bull. (Going to a rave, perhaps?)

Certain activists will argue that this makes a case for keeping the supermarket cashier around. I am one to believe this. Disclosure: one glorious summer, I was a cashier at the local Kroger. I can't really say what I enjoyed about it so much (since I was often stuck with a 5 pm to midnight shift), but it was fun. And people honestly have no idea how to scan a can of soup. I think I enjoyed the mindless monotony of it all, while being able to talk to random people.

So as I stood in line, waiting for the Red Bull guy to finish (he was still going strong as I left), I began thinking about making people take a test to be able to use the self-checkout machine. It would save those of us who are tech-savvy the impatience of watching a person engaged in a deathmatch with the machine. Granted, I would be pissed off that I had to take a test to use it, but I also had to take a test to use the internet at the library. I mean, *I* had to go to training to operate the checkout station at Kroger, so why shouldn't other people?

When the line moved swiftly because everyone was a certified self-checkout aisle user, I would say "it was worth it." Until then, I suppose I will be stuck with the age old quandary of which line to stand in. If past experience is any indication, it will, of course, be the wrong one.

Posted by oz115 at 08:32 PM | Comments (1)

August 26, 2005

Oh, Nick!

The great orator Nick Lachey has weighed in on the Bob Huggins matter. You may recall that Bob Huggins was recently ousted from his position as head basketball coach at the University of Cincinnati, ostensibly due to a contract dispute but more likely because of the negative impact he has had on UC's national reputation. Nick, husband to Jessica Simpson, is a Cincinnati institution much like WKRP, Skyline Chili and Marty and Joe. Needless to say, he is not pleased about Huggins' lot in life and its potential consequences for his dear old U of C:

I ask again, what is happening at the University of Cincinnati? Is the city so paralyzed that they think they can get away with this?

This is one of the most successful coaches in all of NCAA college basketball, right there in our own little town. He has led our Bearcat program back from the dead, to the tune of 14 straight NCAA Tournament appearances. He was just voted Conference USA Coach of the Decade. He just led our entire athletic department to a major national athletic conference.

Do we reward him, extend his contract, give him a bonus for a job well done? No. We kindly, or not so kindly, ask him to leave all he’s accomplished as well as those he’s accomplished it with, and accept our generous parting gift. A buyout with a healthy dose of Cobra health insurance. Are you kidding me? This is an outrage.

The speculation that this could happen was enough to give me ulcers, but this is ridiculous. I counted on the sensibility and rationale of people in power to avoid this end, but I guess I was foolish in my faith. Apparently, Dr. Zimpher has distributed the Kool-Aid to others.

He ended the column with "can you believe I am actually smarter than my wife?"

Posted by oz115 at 12:13 PM | Comments (0)

August 25, 2005

Harsh but fair

Wow, what on earth is this about?

On a dare, a Florida Marlins batboy tried to drink a gallon of milk in under an hour without throwing up. But not only did the batboy not succeed in the challenge, his mere attempt cost him his job for six games, the Miami Herald reported Wednesday.

The Marlins suspended the unidentified batboy for the team's upcoming six-game homestand against the Cardinals and Mets from Aug. 28 through Sept. 4 for accepting the dare Sunday from Dodgers pitcher (and former Marlin) Brad Penny.

I don't quite understand why this is a suspendable offense. Nevertheless, drinking a gallon of milk in an hour is quite an impressive feat. I wonder how close he came?

My finest drinking moment was when I attempted to drink a 40 ounce bottle of malt liquor in less than fifteen minutes. It was too easy, and I accomplished the feat in seven and a half minutes. But that is only about a third of a gallon, so I can see where that would be tough. A gallon of anything is tough.

But milk is really tough. That stuff will mess up your stomach, as anyone who has seen the Real World/Road Rules Challenge can attest. They once had a contest where contestants had to drink a glass of milk, eat some cookies, and then get spun around on the a merry-go-round. The last one to puke was the winner. I think it took like fifteen minutes. How terribly gross.

Posted by oz115 at 12:02 PM | Comments (1)

Tell me more

I'm enjoying my lunch in the shady garden next to the Art Institute (ham and swiss, a carrot and some pretzels, you nosy bastard), when a group of five or six girls sit in the same little area as me.

The first thing any of them says is "I keep having these sex dreams, but Corey is never in them." I guess Corey is her boyfriend. Then the one next to me joins in, noting that she had just made a dirty phone call to her husband, who was unable to join in because he was sitting in a meeting. (This is why you shouldn't answer your phone in meetings, jackass.) They then go on to talk about one night stands, how they like to kick men out of bed after they're done with them, and all sorts of other salacious things.

I'm thinking, Christ, tone it down already! Can't you see I'm sitting no more than five feet away, and I'm reading the Metro Section? With food in my mouth? I was a little perturbed that they would sit down right next to me and start firing away.

Now, I know that girls like to get together and talk about sex. I don't like it, but I'll deal with it. But is it really necessary to do it in like, the garden where a bunch of total strangers are trying to do other stuff? Or am I being unreasonable?

Posted by oz115 at 11:53 AM | Comments (1)

August 24, 2005

Help me

I am locked in a ruthless debate with my wonderful, lovely and talented girlfriend about a very important issue: what we want to be for Halloween. This is her favorite holiday, and she plans for this thing like years in advance. As such, we are attempting to do a couples costume. I've never done this before, and it is proving to be quite a difficult task.

What we really have is an ideological struggle. I am not really a very flashy person. I don't much like to get dressed up. For Halloween, I tend to favor alternative culture costumes: my last two were Marty McFly (which sucked, to be fair), and Milton from Office Space. Milton rocked, and was by far my most successful costume ever.

In other words, I sort of like to dress up as a certain character, preferably from a movie or TV show that only people from my generation would be able to recognize. This year I thought it would be fun to go as Napoleon Dynamite.

Christy, on the other hand, does everything full force. Halloween is a time to get crazy with the costumes and makeup. Napoleon to her is too pedestrian, and she went so far as to suggest that if we were to dress like them, we'd be "two weirdos walking around in street clothes." She wants to get wild and crazy with the costumes.

For example, she favors crazy get-ups. Her suggestions include such things as "doctor and nurse," "Lance Armstrong and Sheryl Crow" (because I am buff and she is 4'11" like Sheryl... that was sarcasm, by the way), and most interestingly, "Hugh Hefner and Playboy Bunny."

I like these ideas, but they suffer from the simple fact that they aren't *my* ideas. But I would definitely go with them - though I am still partial to Napoleon Dynamite. Its elegance is in its simplicity, in my opinion. However, it looks like that ship isn't going to leave port. Which is fine, because I'm not the one whose favorite holiday it is - I'd rather make her happy. (Much like I get to do whatever I want on Canada Day.)

Anyway, what I am asking you, dear reader, is to give me other couple costume suggestions. In the interest of making the best choice possible, I want to have as many options as possible presented to me. Fire away in the comment box!

[edited 11:13 pm]

Posted by oz115 at 07:05 PM | Comments (4)

See ya

I was happy to see that University of Cincinnati basketball coach Bob Huggins finally got the axe. Now, there is no question that UC had some great success as a basketball team with Huggins as the coach, but he also was a bit of a nuisance, with so many of his players getting arrested and often failing to graduate. I'm surprised it took so long, but I think UC's reputation will improve if the next coach can keep his cagers out of the pokey.

Posted by oz115 at 04:08 PM | Comments (0)

August 23, 2005

Won't you be my neighbor?

I wrote a few months ago how somebody had swiped my towels from the laundry. I really have no idea who it was, but I do have some evidence that the girls who lived above me like the five-finger discount. When I went to throw in a load of laundry this afternoon - my first since returning from my self-imposed exile - I found that my bottle of laundry detergent was missing!

On the bottle I had drawn several stars, in order to differentiate it with the other bottles sitting by the washer. I didn't want to write "This belongs to Tim," because that seemed kind of snitty. I figured a star was the next best thing. But no, the bottle was gone.

In the meantime, the girls who lived above me shipped out and moved somewhere else, and the apartment was taken over by four other girls. I've met three of them over the past two days, and they all seem like nice, friendly people. Plus, certain readers of this Commentary will be happy to know that they are Miami Redhawks. In short, they don't seem like the kinds of people who would steal my bottle of detergent, while my star-scrawled bottle mysteriously disappeared with my neighbors.

The question is, do you think the previous occupants of the apartment took my bottle of detergent? If so, are a bunch of stars drawn upon a bottle of Tide enough to distinguish it from all the other unmarked bottles? Seriously, I can't take all this anarchy!

Posted by oz115 at 08:46 PM | Comments (1)

Not helping

Let's hope this guy doesn't run for President:

Top U.S. and Turkish officials on Tuesday condemned comments made last week by Rep. Tom Tancredo that the United States could “take out” Islamic holy sites if there were a nuclear attack on the United States by Muslim fundamentalists.

The Colorado Republican refused to apologize Tuesday, telling The Associated Press that his comments had been taken out of context.

U.S. State Department spokesman Adam Ereli called the statements Tancredo made Friday “insulting and offensive.” He said Americans “respect the dignity and sanctity of other religions.”

Posted by oz115 at 01:27 PM | Comments (1)

August 22, 2005

We are unstoppable

I'm a bit of a dork. As it turns out, so is my lovely and talented girlfriend, who has taken a cue from me as well as her other dorky friends, and started a blog. It is far more entertaining than mine, plus she is much nicer to look at than me. The term better half definitely applies in this case. Take a look at it, won't you?

Posted by oz115 at 03:56 PM | Comments (2)

Aye yay yay

My first day as a law student is officially over - at least the class portion of the day. It didn't go as poorly as I thought it would, because every story you ever hear about law school likens it to the beginning of "Saving Private Ryan" where the ramp on the boat goes down and the first ten rows of soldiers are instantly shredded to pieces by some MG 42's. But it is not like that. They are instead probably following the Japanese strategy at Okinawa, where they allow me to establish a beachhead, move several kilometers inland, and then throw everything they've got at me. It is also not like the other opening scene in Saving Private Ryan where an old man breaks down crying because his surroundings have overwhelmed him. Thankfully.

My first class was at 8 in the morning, which is not my cup of tea. Back in my college days, I would never take a class that started at 9 am, let alone 8. 10 was a stretch for me, so this 8 am thing is difficult to swallow. Sadly, working for three years broke my will to sleep in, and now 8 am is not as sad a prospect as it once was. But our professor was PO'ed about 8 am. He said that it was not his idea to have an 8 am class, so don't blame him. But we will anyway, buddy! (Just kidding.)

Also, in an effort to save money, I am trying my darndest to pack a lunch and eat my dinner at home. Today I packed two carrots (the big kind), an apple, a Coke and a PB&J. That PB&J was marvelous, though I continually cursed my budgetary woes as I walked along Jackson Boulevard and continually spied restaurant after restaurant that I would like to patronize. (If you are a customer of a restaurant, can you be said to be "customizing" it?)

But I did discover one gem: there is a little plaza directly south of the Art Institute on Michigan Ave that was an absolutely delightful place to eat lunch. There was a fountain and shady trees and plenty of places to sit. It was lovely, to say the least.

Posted by oz115 at 03:41 PM | Comments (1)

August 21, 2005

I'm a spoilsport

Do you know something that really annoys me about the Little League World Series? It's when they get into the final games, and they give every team a name like "East," "West," and "Asia." This is of no help to anyone. I think they should still refer to the teams as where they come from, such as West Oahu, HI or Council Rock-Newtown, PA. Supposing one of these teams advance to the last stages, they'll be given brand new threads and get referred to as "Midwest" or some junk like that.

My complaint with this is because it somehow strips the team of its identity. Nobody cares that the team is from New England, they'd rather know what city in New England they call home. According to what I've read, each team in the LLWS is an all-star team of the best players from each community's baseball league. So, supposing a place like Lancaster has a little league, at the end of the season they take the best players from the whole league and send them off to the LLWS. They're all from the same community. Identify them as such! When they win, everyone will know where they are from.

I don't understand why the Little League people have to give the clubs those silly regional monikers. Hell, some of them even get clumped into a ridiculous name like "Latin America."

Posted by oz115 at 06:57 PM | Comments (0)

August 19, 2005

Way to go, terrorists

What's with terrorists? I mean, what's their deal? I'm talking about how they go around claiming responsibility for stuff. For example, today some terrorists in Jordan fired rockets at a US Navy ship docked in Aqaba. But, their missiles missed and ended up killing a Jordanian soldier. That is tragic enough, but they didn't exactly kill anybody they were trying to kill. To me, this does not seem like cause to gloat. If I was in charge of a terrorist organization, I'd be like, "you idiots! Now let's lay low and maybe nobody will know this was us."

But instead, the Abdullah Azzam group had this to say:

"A group of our holy warriors ... targeted a gathering of American military ships docking in Aqaba port and also in Eilat port with three Katyusha rockets and the warriors returned safe to their headquarters."

Oh, they targeted them? Good job, dumbasses. You guys missed! Anybody can target something, and anybody can pick up some rockets somewhere. But to do actual damage? That takes skill, and it's not worth gloating in a statement when you don't actually do anything.

Posted by oz115 at 08:22 AM | Comments (0)

August 18, 2005

Come on, boots

Jessica Simpson's treatment of the Nancy Sinatra, uh, classic, "These Boots Are Made For Walkin'" perturbs me a little bit. The fact that Cooter is mad as hell aside, it's a pretty wacky song and music video. First it reimagines the song as a techno sort of thing, and then there is the video. Ah, the video.

From what Cooter was saying, it may as well have been pornography! And let's face it, it was kinda stupid until she rolls in at the end in a bikini and starts washing the General Lee. (Without wearing any boots, mind you.) To me, the most egregious part was how they would randomly cut to Willie Nelson pickin' a gee-tar, and then back to Jessica. And then you'd never see Willie again. It was weird.

But enough whining. From what I hear, the Dukes of Hazzard flick didn't need a boycott for it to suck. I haven't seen it so I can't pass judgement, but that sucker is being called the worst movie of the year. Also, all reports are, Jessica can't act.

Anyone see this? If so, how was it? I'm curious.

Posted by oz115 at 01:04 PM | Comments (2)

August 16, 2005

I wish I was in a new wave revival band

Then, I could get in a feud like The Killers and The Bravery.

Honestly, I've never really been in a feud. I mean, sure I've had arguments and disagreements and maybe I've told people to shove off and never speak to me again, but a feud? Never. I'm kind of sad. Though I suppose I have hopefully many years left on this planet to start a feud.

As for The Bravery and The Killers, what gives? I held off buying The Bravery's record for a long time, mostly because lead singer Sam Endicott is a hardcore sourpuss. Anyhow, I like both their CD's, and would recommend either one. Though, presently, I think I like The Killers' CD better.

Posted by oz115 at 08:59 PM | Comments (1)

Whine time

Know what gets my goat? I hate it when city mayors and boosters start talking about how they want their city to be a place where people "work, live, and play." Or, I hate it when people characterize their lifestyle as "work hard, play hard."

I don't know about you, but I'm an adult. I don't play. Yes, I like to go outside and do stuff, but I don't call it playing. Before you ask, I don't know what I would call it, but it ain't playing. If I drink a six pack of Old Style and pass out on my couch, that isn't playing. But it seems like mayors want me to be doing that. Work hard, drink hard, sure. But for heaven's sake, quit calling it playing!

Posted by oz115 at 04:57 PM | Comments (0)

August 15, 2005

Welcome back, Kotter

Great day in the morning, I'm back in Chicago. My lovely girlfriend even cleaned the house in my absence, because I know a certain reader of this website probably trashed it when he was here for a weekend, as I would never leave my house in a state of disrepair.

In fact, my mom used to make us clean the house before we left on a vacation, in case we got killed. She didn't want people coming to get our stuff and discover we are slobs. It sure was a pain in the ass having to clean before leaving for somewhere or another. (Memorable vacations: San Diego, Nova Scotia, Minneapolis.)

Anyway, tomorrow I'm off to orientation at law school. As I've said before, I am scared shitless. Dizamn! But I suppose I will do allright, I'll just have to buckle down and not watch The Simpsons quite so much. Wish me luck!

Posted by oz115 at 08:21 PM | Comments (4)

August 12, 2005

Awesome

This was too funny not to link to. Guys, I think we've all been there.

Posted by oz115 at 02:28 PM | Comments (1)

August 11, 2005

Shuffle off

It's time for my semi-annual trip to the Queen City, Buffalo. I'll eat some wings, gorge on beef on weck, and have some Ted's Hot Dogs. It'll be a glorious time.

Speaking of which, every time somebody goes to Buffalo, it is said that they've shuffled off to Buffalo. Is this a song? Does anyone want to be diligent and find the words? If you do, I'll love you forever.

Posted by oz115 at 11:53 AM | Comments (1)

August 10, 2005

The Brazilian Job

I wonder if Terry Benedict owned this bank:

Thieves spent three months tunneling under a busy city avenue in northeastern Brazil to break into a Central Bank vault and pull off one of the world's biggest heists.

The robbery netted 156-million reals ($67,8-million) from a vault at the Central Bank in the city of Fortaleza, 2 500km northeast of São Paulo, said federal police spokesperson Sabrina Albuquerque by telephone.

Not to get all misty-eyed on you, but this is totally the greatest robbery ever. They dug a tunnel, for three months, under a city street. They didn't set off any alarms, or tip off anybody as to what they were doing. I'm sorry, but that's cool.

My mom wondered what they did with all the dirt. Personally, I think they used to Great Escape method, which involved rigging up a little bag inside your trousers and discreetly releasing the dirt when the Nazi guards aren't looking. Ahh...

But, sadly, life can't be like the movies, and these thieves aren't George Clooney and Brad Pitt (or even Scott Caan.) I imagine they'll be getting hauled off to jail eventually, and they probably won't even be wearing tuxedos when it happens. Nevertheless, bravo!

Posted by oz115 at 09:40 AM | Comments (0)

August 09, 2005

Glory days

I am such a lazy bastard. In my room here at home, my mom thought it would be funny to hang up this poster I made called "Me at 12 years old," which I suppose would mean when I was in 6th or 7th grade.

It has all the normal stuff, such as what I like to do: play soccer, read books, watch TV. Below that, there was "my ideal day." I wish I was making this up, but my ideal day included about four hours of TV watching, including "watching The Price is Right," "watching the evening news," "watching the cartoons," and finally, "watching the 11 o'clock news." Now, seriously, what the fuck was I thinking?

I suppose the one that irks me the most is watching The Price is Right, because nowadays I cannot stand that particular program. Though I do believe I know what the allure of The Price is Right is to a 12-year old boy. If you're watching the Price is Right, you're at home. You're skipping school! It's forbidden, because Bob Barker is only on when you are supposed to be somewhere else.

Sadly, I do not share this view now. I do not care what a pack of dishwasher tablets cost. I don't care to guess how much a Hyundai Accent costs. But, I can say, that if I was at home when the Price is Right is on, I'd rather be doing something much cooler, like sleeping, or eating.

Posted by oz115 at 01:26 PM | Comments (1)

August 08, 2005

Sad news

Talk about a bummer. I found this out today:

Hunter Kelly, whose battle with a fatal nervous system disease inspired his Hall of Fame quarterback father Jim Kelly's charitable works, died Friday morning. He was 8.

"Our prayers go to the family and kids," Jim Kelly's brother, Dan, told The Associated Press.

Hunter's Hope Foundation spokesman John Dudek said Hunter died at the Kelly's home in Orchard Park, N.Y. Dudek said Hunter had been having trouble breathing, possibly the result of the humidity and high temperatures that have hovered in the 90s this week.

Posted by oz115 at 12:45 PM | Comments (0)

Leavin on a jet plane

Last weekend I jetted off to St. Louis for a wedding. It was a spectacular time. When I finally got home at midnight, I saw a letter from the Sheriff's office chilling on the kitchen table. When there is a letter displayed so prominently, it means that whoever left the letter there thinks I am in trouble and wants me to read it. But the joke's on her - I am not in trouble!

In fact, I have been summoned for jury duty. One might think as a law student who is starting law school in 8 days, I would be excited to serve on a jury. I'll have a in-depth look at the way a courtroom and the whole justice system works. But you and I know that is bullshit.

I am supposed to appear on either Oct. 18, Oct. 25, or Nov. 1. This is some nice planning ahead by the Sheriff's office. But, sadly, I will be unable to fulfill my constitutional obligation. I will be wiling away the hours, studying, and will have little in the way of effort to expend on jury duty. Not only that, I will be doing so 400 miles away, in the city which, I am sure, if my official place of residence.

Has anyone else ever been to jury duty? I am interested to hear what it is like.

Posted by oz115 at 09:52 AM | Comments (0)

August 04, 2005

Manner patrol

If there's one thing I've learned from advice columns, no matter how much I complain about stuff, there's always somebody who is scads more whiny than me:

Dear Prudence,
Am I being prickly, or do I have a valid complaint? It drives me absolutely batty when I thank a waiter, sales clerk, or other paid service person and the response is "no problem." I paid you to bring me my meal or find those shoes in my size, and the fact that it was or wasn't a problem is of no interest to me. A few times I've actually responded that "I don't really care if it was a problem or not," which I know was wrong, but I was aflame with ire and it just came out. As for myself, whenever I am thanked, I always respond with, "You're welcome," "I'm happy to help," or "My pleasure." Is it too much to ask that others do the same?

How now, Brown cow? Come on! I've never really thought of "no problem" as some kind of insulting comment.

It's merely a more informal way of saying "you're welcome." Between you and me, saying "you're welcome" every time says thanks gets a little tiresome. I'll toss in a "no problem," or an "mm huh" or a "sure thing," when somebody says thanks, and I think it's fairly obvious what I mean. Because, if you say "you're welcome" every time, it loses its meaning.

On a similar note, I was poking around my mobile phone the other day when I discovered that it had "canned text messages," which are pre-set text messages that I can send without having to type out the thing. One such canned message is "I love you." Suppose I was going to tell somebody via a text message that I love her. Is the sentiment there if I am selecting a preset message? That seems to me to be analagous to sending someone a card and leaving it blank.

But back to the no problem. I think most reasonable people understand that it is a less formal "you're welcome." Sure, there are sarcastic "no problems" and "you're welcomes," but that does not take away from the basic principle that it is not a rude or insulting thing to say.

The writer of this letter comes off, for lack of a better term, as sort of an, uh... asshat. It's not as if the shoe salesman in question is bringing you your shoes and responding to a thank you with "whatever," he's saying, "it's no problem."

Because, let's look at it this way. The waiter's job is to bring you your food. Theoretically, since it is his job, he doesn't need to be thanked for bringing the food. In fact, I see many people who do not say thanks when brought their food. But, however, supposing that you do say thanks, "no problem" is a completely acceptable response. One person is saying thank you for doing this for me, while the other person is saying, oh, it's not a problem - it's my job!

Posted by oz115 at 08:51 AM | Comments (1)

August 03, 2005

I think we're a clone now

On the news today, I learned that some scientists in Korea had managed to clone a dog. This is amazing, yet creepy news. There can be great medical advances to be had from cloning, but I also think it'd be unethical to create exact, fully-functional duplicates of humans and animals.

Nowadays, you can get a clone of your pet cat for about $50,000. How stupid is that? Understandably, people who lose a pet want to keep the pet's memory alive. God knows I was a wreck when my cat died, and then when we had to put my dog to sleep. But I wouldn't want clones of them.

First, a clone is NOT your pet. I've always been of the opinion that personalities are shaped by environment in addition to genetics. There's no way a clone of me that grew up in (for example) Outer Mongolia would be in any way like me. Look at that excellent Schwarzenegger-DeVito vehicle, Twins. One is shady and lowbrow, while the other is a superman. That was in large part to their environment. I don't see a clone of a pet turning out the way you want them.

Even if somebody cloned me, it wouldn't be me. It'd be a copy of me. I'd have no control over him, or how he thinks and acts. That's crazy talk.

Additionally, there are millions of perfectly good animals just waiting in the shelter to be adopted. I'd have a hard time justifying dropping thousands of dollars to make a copy of my old pet when I can rescue one from the pound. I'd feel guilty that some other animal died at my expense.

Posted by oz115 at 01:21 PM | Comments (0)

August 02, 2005

Back to skool

So, as you know, I've gone crazy and I'm going back to school. This is after I went back to school after graduating from school. Shit, there was even a time I went to high school and elementary school. [Though we definitely didn't have that cool playground when I was there.]

And what do you do when you go back to school? Back to school shopping! One of my many annoyances is that I hate regular, spiral bound notebooks. Instead, I prefer composition books:

Spiral books annoy the hell out of me. If you try to take out a piece of paper, eventually the spirals get disjointed, or the end of it jabs out and pokes you, and then the paper starts to come off the end and pretty soon you've got a bunch of loose leaf paper held together by a piece of chicken wire. That's not for me. But the composition book: that shit ain't going anywhere. This lady agrees with me. She is my notebook soul mate. I can write anything in a composition book, and I know it is going to stay there. I love filling them up. It's like writing in an actual, honest-to-god book.

Remember Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade? Good. Henry Jones Sr. has that grail diary of his - that was the coolest thing ever. Imagine, a blank book, filled completely with your notes and writings on one single subject. It's sort of romantic. Not romantic in a Sisqo way, but romantic in a Percy Shelley kind of way. That's what I like about composition books.

Now, today I rolled into Target, and I thought my head was going to explode. They have the coolest stuff there, ever. It almost made me want to be a kid again. And lord, the composition books were a sight to behold. They are making a legitimate comeback. They've got ones with flowery patterns on them, nice stripy patterns, and a Spongebob Squarepants series of books. I never did much like the black and white specked look of the composition book, but the tradeoff is acceptable to me. I loaded up on the books, as well as some highlighters, a personal organizer (which I can tell you I will use for about one month, then forget about), and a box of my official ballpoint pen. Let's not forget I also got me some notecards: the 4" x 6" variety, for pesky outlines.

Yes, I am well-stocked now for my great adventure. As John Kerry was fond of saying, I can't win the war if I don't get the equipment. Onward and upward!

Posted by oz115 at 02:57 PM | Comments (3)

August 01, 2005

I scream, you scream

Those Republicans are at it again. Star Spangled Ice Cream, which apparently is ice cream for the conservative set, can be shipped directly to your door.

If you're feeling repressed by the liberals at Dairy Queen - just like those British to take over our country - or Baskin-Robbins, better show your true colors lickity split.

Little known fact: Baskin of Baskin-Robbins fame is actually Leon Baskinevsky, a Russian immigrant who helped found the American Communist Party in the early 20th century. Unfortunately for him, he had quite a sweet tooth and couldn't help but start an ice cream stand which eventually became the world-wide brand we all know and love. Apple pie with that vanilla ice cream, Comrade?

On the other hand, I ranted and raved about having to go to the doctor at 7 am on Friday, but now I'm even more upset. The doctor is of the opinion that I have a slightly enlarged heart, possibly caused by our friend sleep apnea. So, he put me on blood pressure medicine and is sending me to a sleep specialist on Friday.

I'm inclined to have one of those movie moments where I quit wanting to live, wear sweatpants all day and go out in public with giant mustard stains on my shirt. But I do that anyway. Luckily, I don't have to give up running or playing soccer or anything else I love to do, which definitely would have sent me into mustard stain mode.

Anyway, my parents think I am going to go apeshit and start being all reckless like I don't give a damn anymore. Sorry to say, it's not true, though I can't be pleased at the turn of events. The doctor says it's better we found this out now instead of when I'm 50, yet I can't help but feel a little different. I suppose once I know more, I'll have a different opinion. But for now, I'll just keep doing what I do, even if it involves mustard stains on my shirts.

Posted by oz115 at 07:53 PM | Comments (1)

Nuts to you

I'm walking around the second floor of the house last night, when I come across a book of Mensa mind challenges. I love a good mind challenge, I said, as I took the book. Boy, was I ever wrong.

Now, I like to think of myself as a fairly intelligent person. I'm no Einstein, but I can get it done. However, the Mensa puzzles were, for lack of a better term, asinine. Some of them were legitimate mind benders, but many of them involved ridiculous number sequences of something like "add 2 then multiply by 2, then add 3 and multiply by 3." I mean, I'm sure I sound like a whiny bitch, but come on!

One particular puzzle really got me fired up. It went something like this:

"A man wearing tattered jeans goes into a clothing store, takes a brand new pair of jeans and goes into a fitting room. He walks out wearing the new jeans without paying, and leaves the old jeans in the fitting room. He was not seen by any employee nor caught by any security camera, yet the police arrived at his door fifteen minutes later and arrested him. How did they know it was him?"

Hmm, was it some secret Jedi mind trick? Or maybe a police dog sniffed him down? Nope! The answer, according to Mensa, was that he left an envelope with his address on it in his back pocket. Of course! [My answer was that he had written his name on the jeans, so I would hope that is acceptable.] To me, that is not a mind-bender at all, it's simply an exercise in inventing a plausible reason something could have happened.

I've always thought the best kind of mind bender was the logic puzzle. And, sorry to say, many of these mind benders in the book weren't logic puzzles, just goofy sequences that a little guesswork could solve.

Posted by oz115 at 09:02 AM | Comments (0)