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September 30, 2005

Now that's a gift

Uh oh, it looks like people are gearing up for Christmas already!

CHICAGO (Reuters) - If that Hummer is draining your cash at the gas pump, Neiman Marcus Group Inc. has the perfect holiday gift: A fuel-efficient, $3.5 million "Skycar" that flies 350 miles per hour and burns environmentally friendly alcohol.

The luxury retailer's annual Christmas Book of gifts for the rich and richer shows no signs of scaling back in times of economic strain -- although there are a few stocking stuffers such as a $15 paperweight for those on a tighter budget.

The M400 Skycar prototype is a vertical takeoff and landing aircraft that gets 21 miles per gallon and is designed to be "as safe, affordable and easy to use as an automobile.

Posted by oz115 at 10:57 AM | Comments (0)

September 29, 2005

Zounds

The girl at the computer next to me is typing so fast and so loudly that it is virtually impossible to concentrate. It sounds, literally, like a machine gun. Pow pow pow pow pow! How does anyone type so fast? It's amazing.

I don't think I've ever heard anybody pound a keyboard so fast, and it doesn't even sound like she is making any mistakes, like I always do. I praise you!

Posted by oz115 at 12:17 PM | Comments (0)

Sayanora

Tom DeLay finally was indicted, and while I don't know whether he'll actually get convicted of the charges against him, it feels good to know that there's somebody out there who won't let them get away with everything they do.

Now, because House ethics rules require DeLay to step down from his position as Majority Leader while fighting the charges, Republicans had to find someone to temporarily take his spot. DeLay, of course, prefers a guy who will leave voluntarily when he comes back.

Unsurprisingly, that move was scuttled:

What he and Hastert wanted was a timeserver, someone to hold the job but with no ambitions to stay in it. And they had someone in mind. This week, an aide to the speaker approached Rep. David Dreier about his role in a post-DeLay caucus. Dreier, a congenial Californian who has loyally served the GOP leadership as Rules Committee chairman, expressed interest in helping Hastert.

There was one big problem: When DeLay's indictment was unsealed yesterday, conservatives in the GOP caucus immediately erupted in anger over rumors that the selection of Dreier, whom they regard as too moderate, was being presented as a fait accompli .

As the conservatives met to vent frustrations and plot options, Hastert was changing course in a separate meeting on the second floor of the Capitol. Rep. Roy Blunt (Mo.), the majority whip, was making a personal appeal for the promotion. Hastert agreed, forestalling a possible revolt by conservatives, who regard Blunt as one of their own.

This is one of the main reasons Republicans drive me bonkers. Most Republicans are fine - lest we all forget, my lovely girlfriend is a card-carrying member of the GOP, as well as my parents and brother. And they are perfectly reasonable human beings!

But some are bonkers. How can you reject somebody for not being conservative enough? As it has been said many times before, moderate Republicans are being hung out to dry because maybe they don't agree with a stem cell research ban. The most conservative of the bunch - who for some reason think they represent the majority of Americans - instead force their will on the rest of their party with not-so-subtle threats.

Now, I am pretty sure this is going to be the ruin of the Republican Party next time around, so I suppose I can deal with it for the time being. But it doesn't make me happy to see apparently good people like this Dreier fellow or John McCain get constantly criticized for not being Conservative enough.

Posted by oz115 at 11:20 AM | Comments (0)

September 28, 2005

Long days ahead

I always get a little depressed when baseball season ends, and I know that's coming up in a few short weeks. It's the end of summer, the end of long days of sunshine, the end of warmth. Today is the last Cub home game, and I was so very close to going to the game, but decided not to.

Instead, I went running and took a turn around the old ballpark. Right as I got to the park, it started raining, the Pirates made the last out of the top of the 7th, and someone came on the loudspeaker to lead Wrigleyville in one last rendition of Take Me Out to the Ballgame. It seemed fitting to hear that song one last time as I plodded away from the stadium.

One last thing: I see that Len and Bob are telecasting the game from the left field bleachers, which a kid from Buffalo Grove HS (shout-out to Christy's alma mater!) used as a platform to ask a girl named Olivia to go to homecoming with him. Aww. She said yes, by the way. One question: how come this kid wasn't AT school?

Posted by oz115 at 02:34 PM | Comments (0)

Vigilance

I support this decision. He could've had a knife!

MANILA (Reuters) - A mouse upset the best-laid plans of an airline and nearly 250 passengers in the Philippines, grounding a plane for 13 hours while engineers tried to smoke out the rodent.

The Qatar Airways plane was preparing for take-off from Manila airport earlier this week when a crew member spotted the mouse scampering across an aisle in the economy class section, the Philippine Daily Inquirer quoted airport officials as saying.

The captain ordered the passengers to disembark while maintenance staff fumigated the aircraft and laid traps, but the mouse was nowhere to be found.

The Doha-bound aircraft eventually took off 13 hours late, presumably with the mouse still on board, dead or alive.

"There was an incident before with a cockroach, but it's the first time that we had to deal with a mouse," the Inquirer quoted airport operations chief Octavio Lina as saying.

Posted by oz115 at 12:21 PM | Comments (0)

September 27, 2005

God bless 'em

I think I haven't mentioned it, but I will now. I am ready to wet my pants with excitement because hockey is finally back. My beloved Buffalo Sabres have a young team, and should battle for a playoff spot. I'm all ready to go, and have even forked over $100 to get the NHL Center Ice on my satellite dish, so I can watch all the Sabres games to my little heart's desire (provided, of course, I don't have to study!) I'm pleased as punch at this development.

It's been too long since I've heard a Canadian say "I have to do what's best for the organ-eye-zation," or "we came here to get two points," or my favorite, "I shot it and it went in." It's marvelous. Even though this whole lockout thing soured me on hockey players, most of them are just too goofy to stay mad at.

To add to the excitement, the new Franz Ferdinand CD comes out next week! Combined with recent released by the Old 97's and Ryan Adams, I think I am due a trip to Tower Records. I've been saving my money, honest!

Posted by oz115 at 07:08 PM | Comments (1)

It's only a game

Dare I say, here is a fellow dedicated to his sport.

Organizer blocks the tracks when trains halt marathon
Tuesday, September 27, 2005

EAST MOLINE, Ill. (AP) — Passing freight trains disrupted the Quad Cities Marathon, prompting a race organizer to drive a pace truck into the path of an approaching locomotive.

After runners were forced to stop and wait as two trains made their way through East Moline on Sunday, Joe Moreno sped over to an intersection near the 22-mile marker and parked his truck on the railroad tracks, blocking a third train from passing.

"I don’t know how fast it was coming, but you could hear it coming from a distance. It was blowing its horn," Moreno said.

The train stopped less than a block from Moreno’s truck.

Moreno says he then sat in the vehicle with the doors locked for nearly 1½ hours as several hundred runners crossed the tracks. A railroad employee tried to get Moreno to move his truck, but it wasn’t until police arrived that Moreno, a former East Moline mayor, agreed to move the vehicle.

"With every minute, I was buying time for the runners," Moreno said.

Richard Stoeckly, vice president and chief operating officer of the Iowa Interstate Railroad Co., said the disruptions were the result of a "breakdown in communication" between race organizers and the company.

The disruptions did not affect the marathon’s elite runners, Moreno said, adding that a train also interrupted the marathon in 1999.

Kenyan Paul Rugut won the 26.2-mile race, which cuts across the Mississippi River and communities in Illinois and Iowa, with a time of 2 hours, 20 minutes, 27 seconds.

Posted by oz115 at 11:39 AM | Comments (0)

September 26, 2005

Happy trails

Get Smart was always one of my favorite shows on Nick at Nite. I always wish I had a shoe phone. Plus, I think it is fair to say, Agent 99 was one of the hottest characters ever on a TV show. Rest in peace.

LOS ANGELES -- Don Adams, the wry-voiced comedian who starred as the fumbling secret agent Maxwell Smart in the 1960s television spoof of James Bond movies, "Get Smart," has died. He was 82.

Adams died of a lung infection late Sunday at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, his friend and former agent Bruce Tufeld said Monday, adding the actor broke his hip a year ago and had been in ill health since.

As the inept Agent 86 of the super-secret federal agency Control , Adams captured TV viewers with his antics in combatting the evil agents of Kaos.

Posted by oz115 at 03:56 PM | Comments (0)

Another case of the Mondays

The worst feeling in the world is when you are late for where you are going, and you arrive at the elevated train station as you hear your train clanking into the station. When this happens, most people instantly dash up the stairs, and try to get to the top as soon as possible. Maybe, just maybe, the doors on the train will still be open when you get to the top.

Today, this happened to me. I could hear the train easing onto the platform, and the sound of feet stomping on the floor. I turned it into overdrive to get to the top, but I was foiled. The man in front of me on the stairs was heavily laden with a bag and a laptop. He was inching up the stairs at a snail-like (or, if you will, a government-like) pace. Did he not know the train was there? Did he not care?

But he ambled on his merry way, oblivious to the people behind him who were trying to get to the top. Just as I got to the top, the train pulled away, and I was late for school. Sure, I could've left the house a few minutes earlier, but that is not the point. That guy dicked me over!

I remember last year or so I wrote down my list of my top ten most annoying Chicago driver pet peeves, and I think I may have to extend that to CTA rider pet peeves. Not surprisingly, many of them are analagous to driving. (These are not in any particular order.)

1 - Walking too slow up the steps/blocking the entire stairs so nobody can pass you.
2 - Not being able to figure out how to work the turnstile.
3 - Putting your bag on the seat when the train is crowded. Putting your feet on another seat.
4 - Taking seats on a crowded train when an old lady should get the seat.
5 - Talking loudly on the phone.
6 - Complaining loudly about delays.

Now, later, as I was standing in a daze at the Chicago Ave. station, I noticed a flurry of billboards proclaiming, "This fall, a woman will be president." It's for the new ABC show, Commander in Chief, which as you may have guessed is about a woman who is president. I am sick of these billboards. They have been trolling around the city for god knows how long, and I've had enough.

I would like to think that maybe ABC could switch it up a little bit. The shock value of a woman president has, honestly, worn off for me. I'm not going to watch simply because it has a woman president. Instead of continuing along this "a woman will be president" line, they could maybe put in the interesting problems that a woman president might face. As in, what the heck does the president do when she breaks a nail right before a big state dinner? Or what about if the chancellor of Germany gets drunk and hits on the president at said state dinner? These are all interesting propositions, and I think, much more interesting than "a woman will be president."

Not that it all matters. There have been plenty of woman presidents/prime ministers, and even CEO's, and they are all doing fine. Nevertheless, President of the United States is a pretty big step, and it'd be cool to see that happen some day - but not simply for the sake of making a woman president.

Posted by oz115 at 10:47 AM | Comments (0)

September 25, 2005

Pink is in

Quite accidentally, I stumbled onto the blog of a law professor at the University of Iowa, who has caused quite a ruckus because she thinks that the pink walls in the visiting locker room are sexist. Legendary Hawkeye coach Hayden Fry had the walls painted pink, ostensibly because of pink's calming influence. But that is like saying you read Playboy for the articles: everyone knows you are lying, and you know you are lying. You read Playboy because you want to look at naked women, and you paint a locker room pink because you want to belittle your opponents.

Now, I am not prepared to say it is homophobic and sexist, but it is an interesting question. The lady who wrote the commentary, however, had the misfortune to see her post picked up by some Hawkeye websites, who have sent a stream of angry posters to ridicule her.

Most of the comments are of the "your [sic] an idiot" variety, along with a healthy dose of requests for her to go back to vacuuming or for a blowjob. There's also quite a few people who question the point of even complaining about such a thing. To be fair, there are a few civil postings in the comment section, but probably 80% are invitations to go to hell.

Some representative examples:

Anonymous: You are a stupid bitch.

Lesbo Ass Kicker: Licking lawyer lesbos belong on the east coast where their licking lesbo pathology is accepted.

Leave the University of Iowa and our football team alone. Your opinions regarding the Hawks are not material, Butch.

Anonymous: Attention Whore! I suggest you take your silly little routine of judicial masturbation to some other venue. You are an embarassment to our public university.

The problem to me, with the internet, is that most of the time the conversation invariable turns into a flurry of insults, racist/bigoted remarks, and general rudeness. Look no further than the "discussions" for news items on the Yahoo front page. It seems to me most discussions on internet message boards amount to nothing more than calling somebody's idea idiotic, then the person being called idiotic, and then another person stepping in and being called an idiot by whoever he happens to disagree with.

It is, I suppose, the price we pay for being able to broadcast our view to the world. I am certain that if I ever write something that gets widespread play, half the world is going to crucify me, and the other half is going to make fun of me. I can deal. But that doesn't mean I have to like it.

I'm happy to say that hasn't happened yet. If it does, I can deal.

A major complaint that a lot of people get is "why do you even care about this?" The short answer is, because we do. Nobody cares about half the stuff I care about, and nobody cares about half the stuff YOU care about. By not care, I don't mean I think it's stupid, it's just not something that concerns me. But even though you don't care, I don't care that you don't care. I care. And this is my website. I can say whatever I want, unless it meets certain legal criteria for false information that could result in me being sued, but that is not important.

I can say it. You can read it. The lady in Iowa can say whatever she wants, because it's her web site. If you're really that passionate about what color Iowa's locker room is, you can write about it, too.

Posted by oz115 at 08:25 PM | Comments (0)

September 23, 2005

Oz's mailbag

I feel like opening up the ol' mailbag again. But first, I had a truly traumatic experience at law school. For the first time, I was called on by a professor to answer questions about a case.

It was a delightful little case, where a guy bought a stove using fraudulent credit. He lied about his references or something. This was 1845 or so, so they didn't have VISA cards. The owners found out the guy was shady, and they went after him to get the stove back. When they caught up to him, they started arguing and eventually the guy with the stove took out a knife. The store guys then restrained the guy and took back their stoves. Then the guy sued the store owners for assault and battery, and got $1 in damages. But the court decided they had a right to use reasonable force to take back the stove, and when he took out the knife the owners had a right to defend themselves. So this guy was screwed either way.

Anyhow, the professor starts quizzing me on this thing, and I was petrified. I was able to answer most of the questions, but he nailed me when he asked me why I thought merchants had a right to detain people suspected of shoplifting. I had no clue! I mean, I knew why, but I couldn't remember at that point. So I was pissed when some other guy raised his hand and answered the question. Show off. In case you're wondering, merchants have a limited right to detain suspected shoplifters because if they didn't have that right, they could get sued if they were wrong, which would promote shoplifting because merchants would only detain the person they see walking off with an HDTV, or something.

Anyway, off to the mailbag!

First, the lovely Christy wants to know why I am so worked up about whether or not you would eat yourself if you were a hot dog:

I think you are over-analyzing this tofu dog thing. I mean, Sarah doesn't like hot dogs. So she'd prefer tofu. True, she wasn't answering the question, but she put a spin on it. And ICK! TOFU dogs?! Thats nasty!

As for you putting ketchup on yourself and eating yourself, that's really a pity. You'd ruin a perfectly good meal!

As you know, I'd def. eat myself- CHICAGO style!

But Sarah doesn't like tofu dogs! And she doesn't like regular hot dogs. So I think either way, she wouldn't eat herself. I guess the tofu part irked me because if you wouldn't eat yourself as a regular hot dog or a tofu dog, why's it matter?

So you'd eat yourself Chicago style, eh? How do you prepare yourself then? Get in a big hot tub until your are boiled, and then jump on an enormous Rosen's bun? I have to say, if you were a hot dog, and I was starving, I'd eat you, too.

Later, I wrote about how fucking annoying that girl who flips up her collar is. (I did some research, and apparently the proper term is popping your collar, which I am not going to use, because it is stupid.) Dan wrote in with an interesting proposition:

The question is: Is this girl hot?

No, she is definitely not hot. Her nose is always red, like she's been drinking, or she is Rudolph in disguise. However, even if she was hot, I'd still say she was a tool. I can possibly let the flipped collar go once or twice, but when she does it every single time, it's a little excessive. Just... Jesus Christ. Cut it out, lady! You annoy the ever loving shit out of me!

Next, I waxed eloquent about baseball. A fellow named Dave wrote in with an interesting proposition:

You sound like a man who would love cricket?

Whaaa? Cricket? To be honest, I never could much get into cricket. It's fascinating and all, but I don't know how I feel about a game that has a lunch break built into it.

Sure, baseball has the 7th inning stretch, but the players don't participate and it doesn't involve crumpets. Oh, there's the occasional sausage or pierogi race, but those are merely incidental.

But, baseball does have one great advantage. You can play while drunk or hungover. Grover Cleveland Alexander gave one of the all-time great World Series pitching performances while suffering a massive hangover. He handled the Yankees' famed Murderers Row for two innings to close out Game 7 of the 1926 Series.

Another pitcher, Doc Ellis, claimed he pitched a no-hitter while on acid. And if there is a modern day equivalent, it is David Wells, who pitched a perfect game on a few hours of sleep and a case of beer. That, friends, is a sport.

Now, if you don't mind, I think I am going to go eat some lunch now. Thanks for reading, and come back again, you knuckleheads.

Posted by oz115 at 11:10 AM | Comments (0)

September 22, 2005

Autumn baseball

Let me just say, I love baseball. I don't care what anyone says, nothing else can hold a candle to this game. Yes, the players can be immature assholes, but nothing can top a baseball game where something critical is at stake.

Admittedly, a baseball game is no fun unless there is a raucous crowd, but the same holds true for any sporting event. But that is the great thing about baseball in late September and early October: the parks are packed, titles are at stake, and every single pitch is crucial.

I'm currently embroiled in the White Sox/Twins game, 1-1 to in the top of the tenth. The Sox had the bases loaded with one out in the 9th and failed to score. They popped out twice in a row. Delightful.

Surprisingly, Hawk Harrelson actually did something I liked: he said nary a word for almost an entire minute, through a few pitches. It was great not to hear his gibberish, but also great not to hear any talking. I recommend it.

Posted by oz115 at 08:35 PM | Comments (3)

Smooth move

Oh dear. Somebody sure messed up over at Comcast. After a long day of slaving away at law school, I returned home hoping to watch game 3 of the White Sox/Indians series. Instead, I was greeted with a white screen apologizing for lack of a signal, because there was a problem with the source. This continued for a good two hours, until the game was far out of hand and the Indians had conferred an 8-0 shellacking on the Pale Hose. To add insult to injury, the Cubs game was similarly blacked out, meaning I had no baseball at all to watch.

Now, I can't really say I am a White Sox fan, but I wouldn't mind seeing them in the playoffs. There is nothing quite like a baseball playoff atmosphere, and I think it would be good for the Sox to make the playoffs. But for right now, I am enjoying the pounding they are taking, mostly because of how much pain it causes Ken Harrelson. As you all know, I think The Hawk is the worst baseball announcer ever - slightly more annoying than Steve Stone or Tim McCarver, if you can believe that - and his ridiculous expressions make me want to step out onto Fullerton Parkway and get hit by a cab. So I get a lot of pleasure when the Sox give up a grand slam and Hawk dejectedly says, "There's a drive." It's classic. I would imagine it is the same kind of pleasure that Sox fans get when Ron Santo wails "nooooooo" at the latest Cub misfortune.

Posted by oz115 at 11:49 AM | Comments (0)

September 21, 2005

Now that's what I call reality TV

Can you believe this airplane thing in California? As I write this, the plane still hasn't landed, so I don't know what is going to happen.

But, on CNN, Larry King is losing it. He's trying to juggle this story, that evil whore Hurricane Rita, and a tornado in Minneapolis. They put him on with the CNN meteorologist, and he asked her for a report, but to make it quick, "because we have this plane thing." I literally laughed out loud. That was pretty flip of Larry, don't you think? It'd be like, "Hurry up, we've got this terrorism thing." Oh, you had to be there.

On the other hand, apparently JetBlue planes have satellite TV, which get CNN. So, theoretically, all the people on the plane are watching themselves on CNN. How metaphysical is that? All I know is, were I on that plane, I would be crapping myself. I'd also say screw it to that no cellphone rule, and start making phone calls!

Update: they landed safely. Great job by the pilot. That is why I am not scared to fly.

Posted by oz115 at 07:08 PM | Comments (0)

Don't try this at home

All I can say is there are inboxes and outboxes. Nothing goes in the outbox, ever.

Posted by oz115 at 11:11 AM | Comments (1)

September 20, 2005

Flipped off

I've tried to hold back, but I can't take it anymore. I have told a few people about this girl in my class at school who is annoying the hell out of me.

Usually I'm annoyed by people who continually ask stupid questions, or who have a grating voice, or who talk too much in class. But not this girl. She annoys me because every day she comes into class, she has the collar on her shirt flipped up.

I do not know exactly when this whole flipped up collar thing started, but it has to stop. People who do this look like idiots. There is no other way to put it. I don't care what particular style icon flips his collar up - he's a dumbass. I bet Ryan Cabrera flips his collar up, and he is about the biggest dumbass there is.

This guy flipped up his collar, and I hope he did so to be ironic:

Imagine sitting behind that when you're trying to learn The Law!

Anyway, this girl has become my sort of nemesis. We have assigned seating (so the professor doesn't have to bother learning our names), and she is always seated directly in my line of sight. Without fail, she comes in to class with her god damn collar straight up in the air. I would not be annoyed if this happened once, but it happens EVERY TIME. If she has a shirt with a collar, it's flipped up. My annoyance is doubled because she only seems to have one or two shirts that she actually wears to class. Buy some new shirts!

Christy thinks I have a crush on this girl. That is a ludicrous statement. Clearly I am obsessed with her, but only in the sense that I want to destroy all her collared shirts and make her come to class in a plain white t-shirt, or send her to some sort of fashion reeducation colony. But I definitely do not have a crush on her.

Does anyone else agree with me that flipped collars look stupid? Or maybe you wound up here because I turned up on another search for "Ryan Cabrera with no shirt," and you think the turned up collar look is cool. Please defend yourself.

Posted by oz115 at 11:53 AM | Comments (3)

September 19, 2005

I know I would

There's a great SNL skit where Will Ferrell does an impression of the great Cub announcer, Harry Caray. One of my great regrets in life is that I didn't really appreciate Harry when he was around. Honestly, I used to think he was kind of annoying. But now I know better, and I have grown to appreciate the Ron Santos and Joe Nuxhalls of the world. But definitely not the Steve Stones.

So, Will Ferrell does this Harry Caray impression. The skit in question has Harry interviewing an astronaut, I believe, and Harry goes off on a tangent and says, "Hey! If you were a hot dog, and you were starving, would you eat yourself?" He goes on to say, "I know I would. First, I would smother myself with brown mustard and relish." [Here's an actual transcript. I lied about where it came from.]

Now, the fact of the matter is, this is hilarious. Gets me everytime. In fact, I am giggling thinking about it now. On Saturday, I was out with some friends, and I couldn't think of much to say, so I asked the age old question: if you were a hot dog, and you were starving, would you eat yourself?

Most everyone agreed that they would. They'd be delicious! But one of my friends had to be contradictory. She said that she didn't think she'd eat herself, because she'd be a tofu dog, and tofu is gross.

The discussion quickly devolved into whether or not Boca Burgers are any good - I think they are, but most everyone else thinks Boca Burgers are bad. I must disagree.

However, I was really disturbed by the whole tofu dog thing. How does she know she'd be a tofu dog? Because she's skinny? Wouldn't she just be a skinny hot dog? I don't think tofu dogs and hot dogs are the same thing. Most every hot dog brand has a different composition, but they all have meat. I don't know if anyone would have the nerve to call a tofu dog a hot dog. It'd be called a tofu dog.

I really don't think she'd for sure be a tofu dog. I think she'd be a regular hot dog, but not as much hot dog as a large fellow like myself. This tofu dog thing is just wishful thinking, because I specifically asked if she would eat herself, if she was a hot dog. If I wanted to know if she would eat herself if she was a tofu dog, I would've asked that. Know what I'm saying?

In case you were wondering, I would definitely eat myself if I was a hot dog. Christy, I would put ketchup on myself, too.

Posted by oz115 at 02:49 PM | Comments (1)

Run the gauntlet

The administrators at school here did an amazing thing. Every day when you walk in to the building, there is always a cluster of people hanging out by the door smoking. The dean of the school decided that this was not going to work, and got rid of the ashtrays and installed no smoking signs. Then, she sent out an e-mail explaining exactly why she was taking this step.

I had to laugh, because the e-mail did not invent any sort of BS reason for the ban. Visitors, important lawyer types, were simply annoyed that they had to walk through a "gauntlet" of smokers to get into the building. People visiting the next door Chicago Bar Association had similar complaints.

Now, I think it's fair to say most anyone else would have come up with another reason than "it's annoying." There's all kinds of reasons: it's unhealthy to the workers; it is a bad influence on kids; etc. But never have I heard of a ban because other people are annoyed.

It was an interesting decision, to say the least. While I think I approve of it, I would have liked there to be a better reason than people complaining about it.

It got me to thinking. What other stuff do you think could be banned if enough people complained about it? Talking on a cell phone is not an acceptable answer, either.

Posted by oz115 at 10:45 AM | Comments (0)

September 16, 2005

Pockets!

I was railing yesterday how I was pissed off about the $1.30 bottle of water in the vending machine, because guys never carry change around with them for more than day.

Today I stopped for a beverage at McDonald's on my way to class. It was raining, and I toted an umbrella and wore my jacket. (I need to get a new one, by the way.)

My bill came to $1.03. I silently cursed, knowing I'd have to break $2 because there wouldn't be change. Then - a miracle! My jacket. Surely there was change in it.

I fished around the pocket, and I felt the little metallic friends that would be my savior. There were two cents in the pocket. I was a day late and a penny short, and I had to give him two dollars and get 97 cents back in change, because I could not find a third penny.

Oh what a world.

Posted by oz115 at 11:11 AM | Comments (0)

September 15, 2005

Oz's mailbag

You know what? It's raining, the Cubs are getting shut out, and I don't feel like doing work. Let's open the Southport Squealer mailbag. That always gives me grins.

First, Pete is agitated that Hurricane Katrina survivors liken their plight to the tsunami victims of last Christmas:

Saying the phrase "this is our tsunami" must become a felony offense, immediately. Equating this with the loss of 200,000+ lives in Asia is simply appalling. Leave it to a bunch of self-pitying, woe-is-us Americans to try to claim our suffering is as bad or worse than the rest of the world's, apparently for the sole reason that IT HAPPENED TO US.

You are correct, sir. I have mixed emotions about the whole thing, but this entire disaster proves if there's one thing all Americans are good at, it's self-pity. Don't get me wrong, this is one of the worst disasters to ever hit the country, but the worst parts are mostly a product of our own incompetence. No matter what, it was not even close to the scale of that tsunami.

Meanwhile, Skyler relates his tale of milk-chugging woe:

I tried to pull that gallon of milk thing in college and wound up getting all but a pint down. The result: 15 minutes of laughing while puking partially curdled milk. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

You are a better man than I. I once chugged a pint of milk, and that's it. You'd have to be crazy to try to chug a gallon of milk, even if it is for $1000. If you don't succeed, there's some sick results.

Personally, I am not a milk fan. I attribute this to my parents only buying skim milk, which tastes like hell. In school, when we got those little things of milk in our lunches - our's had mini biographies of the presidents, and I always got Millard Fillmore - I would take the little straw and drink my milk as fast as I could, because I did not like the taste of it. To this day, I cannot sit and enjoy a glass of milk. My kids are going to have the world's most brittle bones.

Nevertheless, dear reader, I applaud your milk escapade. Bravissime!

On the other hand, Stat Boy will find something to nitpick, and he takes issue with my top ten albums of 2005 list:

You've actually listed 11 CDs in your "Top 10" list. If two CDs are tied for #10 you can't have a #9.

That's a true "Top 10" list. Thank you for your time.

Cut me some slack, dude. I agree, it does not make sense to have 11 items on a top ten list, but the last two are tied. They are tied for tenth place. If you have a golf leaderboard, and the leader is -5, and there are two guys behind him at -4, those two are not in third place, they are tied for second place. Likewise, the poor schmucks who have -3 are all tied for fourth place. See what I'm getting at?

I suppose that if I had two CD's tied for 9th place, then there could be no tenth place, but luckily that is not the case. In truth, I thought both those CD's were good, and I didn't want to give them the awful "honorable mention" title. Lastly, it's my list. I can do whatever I want!

Finally, I have to take the time to address several comments made by my wonderful, caring and sexy girlfriend, Christy.

She always seems to find a way to ridicule me. For example:

Okay, you know you are like the wind beneath my wings or something... but you have a list of favorite bottled water?! I mean, doesn't it all taste the same? I think we should do a blind taste test this weekend and see what you come up with. To me, the colder, the better. And that's ALL that matters!

I am certain that I would fail a taste test of the different waters, but it's purely psychological. I simply like those brands. I'm sure there are subtle, impercetible differences between different brands of toilet paper, but some people insist on Scott, or something. It's my prefence, is all.

Or:

Dude, it IS cool however to blast Grateful Dead, keep that in mind!

I did catch ya a few weeks ago blasting your Fountains of Wayne (or something... can't remember what exactly) when we all sent you to get the pizza for us for dinner (couldn't miss a second of the ND game), and you returned with your windows down, and music blasting. It was cute.... I assume you meant that blasting RAP is dumbass, right?

Honestly, I think blasting all music is kinda dumb, and to be fair I don't think I recognize the loudness of my car's stereo system. Hence, while driving along to my tunes at what Milton may call a reasonable volume, the sound doesn't stay in the car. It seeps out.

On the other hand, people who go around blasting their rap with the thumping bass and the windows down do so, at least partially, to impress or annoy other people. Why else would you do it? After about fifty or so bass wumps, your ass is going to go numb. Either way, blasting any kind of music, especially in a crowded area, strikes me as rude and inconsiderate. So, by all means, if you see me sitting in my car at an intersection and my indie rock is too loud, feel free to set me straight.

As you can see, she seems to revel in yanking my chain.

I think that about does it for this edition of the mailbag - thanks for reading, you crazy kids, and leave some damn comments!

Posted by oz115 at 08:11 PM | Comments (0)

A nickel here and a nickel there

At school there's this Pepsi machine, where you can purchase a can of Pepsi for 75 cents. Not a bad deal, except I hate Pepsi and wouldn't buy a can of it for one cent. However, it also sells Aquafina, which paradoxically is one of my favorite bottled waters.

My favorite bottled waters, in no particular order: Fiji; Aquafina; Evian; Naya (which they don't seem to have in the US anymore... fuckers.) and the cheapo brands Dannon and Poland Spring.

Anyhow, the vending machine has Aquafina bottles. The price of the Aquafina bottle is $1.30. What kind of messed up vending machine charges $1.30? Why not $1.25? Personally, I feel $1.25 is too much for a bottle of water, and making me look for that extra nickel is really lame.

I think vending machines that ask for inexact amounts like $1.30 or 85 cents are biased towards women. I don't know many men who carry around spare change except for that which they accumulate during that very same day. Women, on the other hand, carry purses which are a veritable piggy bank. They carry them everywhere, at all times. I even see women who jog with their purses, or else dump them into gigantic fanny purse packs. Men, on the other hand, keep their change in one of three places: the car, their coats, or a bucket at home. [I know some people have these things, but those people are removed from the gene pool through selective bullying.] The only time a man is going to have change is when it's cold enough to wear a coat, therefore excluding most of the summer months. I think it goes without saying that a pop machine would get most of its business on steamy days in August.

Before you ask, I don't know why Pepsi executives would want a vending machine biased towards women.

So, since Pepsi insisted on making the machine $1.30, I see people fumble around every day for an extra nickel, only to give up and spend two dollars on the water. This just isn't right to me. Now you have 70 cents floating around in your pocket - and that's not even enough to buy the 75 cent Pepsi!

Posted by oz115 at 10:04 AM | Comments (1)

September 14, 2005

I think this is called "Mr. Fusion"

Didn't Doc invent something like this in Back to the Future to power his DeLorean? As interesting as this sounds, I have to say the idea of dead cats as fuel is kind of... gross. He does not help his cause, either, when he admits that a toad may have gotten in there somehow.

BERLIN (Reuters) - A German inventor said he has developed a method to produce crude oil products from waste that he believes can be an answer to the soaring costs of fuel, but denied a German newspaper story implying he also used dead cats.

Christian Koch, an inventor and patent holder of the "KDV 500" that he said produces high quality fuel, said he can transform waste products such as paper, rubbish and plastic materials into fuel.

But Koch, 55, said there was no truth to stories published in Bild newspaper Tuesday and Wednesday that suggested he used dead cats as part of the mix for his organic diesel fuel.

"I use paper, plastics, textiles and rubbish," Koch told Reuters.

"It's an alternative fuel that is friendly for the environment. But it's complete nonsense to suggest dead cats. I've never used cats and would never think of that. At most the odd toad may have jumped in."

Posted by oz115 at 03:00 PM | Comments (0)

September 13, 2005

Gangsta lovin

I was walking down the street a few days ago, when I felt the relentless thump of someone's jacked up bass rumbling up behind me. Sure enough, a few seconds later I spied a guy in a pickup truck rocking out to some hip hop. As a rule, if you want to listen to rap, you have to maximize your bass and then play it as loud as possible anyway. I guess it's supposed to make you look like a hardass, but I think it makes you look like a dumbass.

The bass was thumping along, and then the greatest thing happened. The CD started to skip. And it skipped and skipped and skipped until he had to change to the next track.

Now let me tell you. No matter how much of a hardass you think you are, any and all tough guy image you may have is wiped out the instant you have a CD that skips. A man who can't control his machine is not deserving of respect. If DMX himself came waltzing down the street in a tricked out Hummer with skipping CD's, I would chuckle at him too. It's a rule, or something. Write it down.

Posted by oz115 at 09:09 AM | Comments (1)

September 09, 2005

Hehe

It's tough being vice president. After emerging from his undisclosed location to pay a visit to the hurricane ravaged Gulf coast, this sort of thing happens:

US Vice President Dick Cheney was confronted by an irate heckler when he toured the US Gulf coast region devastated by Hurricane Katrina.

Cheney, who was sent to the region by President George W. Bush amid intense criticism of the federal response to the disaster, was briefing reporters in Gulfport, Mississippi, on his impressions of the relief work when he was interrupted by a bystander.

"Go f--- yourself Mr. Cheney!" the unidentified man shouted. The man then repeated: "Go f--- yourself!"

Asked by a reporter if had encountered similar protests during his tour, Cheney replied: "That's the first time I've heard it."

It may have been the first time the Veep's heard it, but it's not the first time he's said it!

Posted by oz115 at 11:00 AM | Comments (1)

September 08, 2005

In praise of naps

I get ridiculed a lot when I tell people that one of the first things I do during the day is take a nap. I don't understand this. Today, for example, I rolled out of bed at 6:30 or so and sauntered downtown for my 8 am class. After an hour and fifty minutes of talking about property, I am free and clear until 2 o'clock. What else am I going to do but take a nap?

There's research or something... I'm not sure where, exactly, but it says that most teenagers operate on a schedule remarkably different from adults. They don't function before noon, or something. I can't believe they needed research to prove this. I could have told you that.

But I am no teenager. But there is, I am sure, ample evidence that even adults are not naturally inclined to getting up at 6:30 and staying awake until midnight without a nap. Brazilians and Spainiards and the like take siestas in the afternoon. Oh, sure, Spainiards and Brazilians get nothing done, but I bet they are less sleepy than the average American.

My point is, if I have an opportunity to nap, I am taking it. It killed me that every day at work I had to stay away from 8 to 4:30 without a little bit of shuteye. I guess I could've used my lunch break to take a nap, but then when am I going to read the newspaper?

I love naps. My freshman year of college, I had a class that was 10 am to 11:15, and then another that was 12 to 1:15. You bet your ass I used that 45 minutes to take a power nap. And every day, without fail, I felt great in that noon class. I would go up to the Torch Lounge in Kennedy Union, pick a fat juicy couch, and doze off for a good half hour. It was marvelous.

Today, I just woke up from my nap. The surroundings are not as cool as Kennedy Union, but the couch is just as comfortable. I have no idea if anyone is like, "look at that dumbass taking a nap," but I don't care. Unlike them, I am going to be wide awake the next time class rolls around.

In fact, I have two hours until my next class. Maybe I'll take another nap after lunch!

Posted by oz115 at 10:35 AM | Comments (1)

September 07, 2005

Wasted away again

Here's my vantage point for the long-awaited Jimmy Buffett shows at Wrigley Field over the weekend. As you may be able to see, Jimmy is a tiny dot somewhere next to those gigantic screens.

Now, I like Jimmy Buffett, but I am not what you would call a Parrotthead. We met some of those at the greatest bar ever, The Blarney Stone. One guy handed us a quiz entitled "RU A Parrothead?" While not getting into why I dislike such shortenings as "RU," I am definitely not a parrothead because I got one question right, and that was about "Brown Eyed Girl," which is not even a Jimmy Buffett song.

But who am I to complain? Buffett is about a few things: fun, drinking, summer, and not giving a shit about anything. Sure, some may call Jimmy a surfer-philosopher or something, but I am not buying that. "Margaritaville," while somewhat wistful and introspective, is no "Hey Jude." And, a Buffett show is guaranteed fun.

The day begain with drinking. Drinking in ridiculous outfits. And more drinking. We drank at the park. And then we all passed out.

That, friends, is what Jimmy Buffett is about. And, I am proud to say, it's our own damn fault.

Posted by oz115 at 08:54 PM | Comments (4)

Law and order

I think it's funny that enough people spit on traffic cops that they had to get these things:

Britain's much abused and derided traffic wardens have a new weapon in their struggle with irate car drivers -- DNA evidence.

British car-parking firm NCP is to issue one pound DNA "spit kits" to its staff after a man who spat at a traffic warden pleaded guilty to assault when his saliva was identified.

Dennis Samms, 42, of Manchester in northwest England, will be sentenced Thursday.

"This is the first successful prosecution in Britain of the assault of a traffic warden due to DNA evidence," a spokesman for NCP, the company that employed the traffic warden, said.

"The DNA evidence did not come out in court, but that is because the man knew he was guilty."

NCP, which manages off-street parking for various local authorities, supplying traffic warden and vehicle-clamping services, began a trial of the "spit kit" in March and now plans to make the kit more widely available to its wardens.

"Nobody should have to be spat at while they go about their work. The 'spit kit' will be a powerful deterrent against the small minority who think they can spit at traffic wardens," said the spokesman.

Posted by oz115 at 12:10 PM | Comments (0)

September 06, 2005

Not a good way to start

I've come to the conclusion that I my brain has decided that it doesn't care to think about the pointless stuff anymore. I was walking down the street to the elevated train this morning when I realized that my backpack had caused my collar to flip up. I think the flipped up collar is probably the stupidest look imaginable, even if I used to think Eric Cantona made it look cool.

So of course I stopped immediately to fix the collar, whereupon I noticed an even more flagrant violation: my shirt was not only suffering a flipped up collar, my shirt was inside out.

I had somehow managed to walk around for a good half hour, look at myself in the mirror numerous times, and not realize that my shirt was on incorrectly. I felt like a pretty big jackass, to be honest. I couldn't wait until I got to school to fix the shirt, because I didn't want to be mocked on the El as a guy with an inside out shirt, so I snuck into an alley and fixed the mistake.

I have quite a personal history with inside out shirts. I recall a time in high school where I went four periods without realizing my sweater was inside out and backwards; other times I have been known to deliberately wear t-shirts inside out so that they wouldn't show through the dressy shirt I was wearing over it. But now, as a supposed adult, I can't be walking around with inside out shirts as my main wardrobe. It just doesn't sit right.

Posted by oz115 at 10:47 AM | Comments (0)

Seven days too late

How come nobody is getting on Travolta's case? It takes the federal government four whole days to mobilize and get down to New Orleans and take over the city, but when John Travolta shows up SEVEN days later, nobody gives him any shit. Doesn't Travolta, like, have more money and power than the federal government anyway?

It seems to me that celebrities are the only ones who get anything done around here anyway. When America has been in crisis, we turn first to the president, and then to Kanye West and P. Diddy. And, I think, the fact that our trusted glitterati took so long to respond to the hurricane crisis speaks volumes about their committment to us so-called little people.

METAIRIE, United States (AFP) - Actor John Travolta and his wife, actress Kelly Preston, flew in their own private jet to deliver five tons of food for victims of Hurricane Katrina.

Travolta, an experienced pilot, flew the supplies to Baton Rouge, Louisiana, then toured the flooded city of New Orleans and visited rescue workers and shelters for evacuees. The two movie stars also brought along 400 doses of tetanus vaccines for rescuers.

The star of "Saturday Night Fever" and "Pulp Fiction" told AFP he was coordinating with
Oprah Winfrey to get even more relief for the more than a million people affected by one of the worst storms in US history.

"That's our job today," he said. "We're hoping this time we're effective."

Posted by oz115 at 08:48 AM | Comments (0)

September 05, 2005

I'm a baby

Well, despite all my posturing and trash-talking, the hot dog eating contest did not occur today. A number of factors entered into the decision:

1 - I, and my lovely opponent Christy, were suffering from colds and allergies, respectively. To attempt to stuff hot dogs down our throats without all our breathing capacity might be called... unwise.

2 - In addition to that, we were all hung over. Three straight days of marathon drinking sessions will have that effect on a person. While somebody like Mickey Mantle might have been able to function while suffering from a major hangover, we are not like The Mick.

3 - Lack of time. A certain friend and reader of this website had to go the airport at 11, and we simply had not enough time to squeeze in the contest.

4 - Lack of planning. I didn't really have any hot dogs in the house, nor did I have a way to cook them. There weren't any buns either. Oops.

But mark my words. We will have this contest soon. And, I *will* kick Christy's ass back to wherever it is such a sweet ass came from.

Posted by oz115 at 07:50 PM | Comments (4)

September 02, 2005

List time

I'm bored, so I thought I'd put together my Top 10 CD's of 2005 list. This, of course, will change before the end of the year, but here's what I have so far:

1 - Weezer, Make Believe
2 - White Stripes, Get Behind Me Satan
3 - Fountains of Wayne, Out of State Plates
4 - Louis XIV, The Best Little Secrets Are Kept
5 - Martha Wainwright, s/t
6 - Kaiser Chiefs, Employment
7 - The Bravery, s/t
8 - Hot Hot Heat, Elevator
9 - Ditty Bops, s/t
10 (tie) - Ryan Adams, Cold Roses
10 (tie) - Kings of Leon, Aha Shake Heartbreak

Now leave me alone!

Posted by oz115 at 08:45 AM | Comments (2)

September 01, 2005

More from New Orleans

Here's a blog by a guy camped out in New Orleans. I'm not quite sure I understand his situation, but it sounds pretty desperate.

Posted by oz115 at 06:16 PM | Comments (0)

I am become death

A certain lady friend of mine has challenged me to a hot dog eating contest. We fight a lot, and one of the our constant sources of argument has to do with hot dogs. She is a proponent of the Chicago style hot dog, which apparently is boiled, on a Sam Rosen bun, and absolutely without ketchup.

I think she is full of shit. As I have said before, I prefer my hot dogs grilled on an actual grill. With ketchup. You boil leaks, and cabbage, but not hot dogs. What are we, under siege in Leningrad? Get a fucking flame out!

As you can see, this has led to a lot of acrimony. The only fair way to settle things, we thought, is to have a hot dog eating contest. She challenged me, and I accepted, and it seems that the contest is tentatively set to take place this Monday. We can have the hot dog any way we want, with whatever toppings we want, cooked in the way we want. Whoever eats the most dogs in an hour, without throwing up, will be the winner.

The only way to ensure that this contest takes place is to pester me and pester her, because she is a baby and is already trying to find a way out of this contest, as she knows that I am an unstoppable eating force who will stop at nothing to ensure her defeat. I am the Karl Rove of hot dog eating.

I have a specific strategy in mind as to how I am going to vanquish my foe. But I can't tell you, because she reads and I don't want to give her advance knowledge about my tactics. But know this: it won't be pretty.

And please, feel free to wager on the outcome.

Posted by oz115 at 03:04 PM | Comments (1)

Chaos

What the heck is going on in New Orleans? Slate offers a typical account of what the place must be like now, but what I'm really concerned about is all the looters.

These people are scum. One might say it's acceptable to take food or water, but then there are people who are filling garbage cans with jeans, TV's and jewelry and floating them down the street. In full view of police who have little recourse other than shooting them.

What I really hope is that after all this is sorted out, the police can go over the countless videotapes, and identify and arrest as many of these people as they can. But shooting a few of them would probably feel pretty nice right about now.

Posted by oz115 at 10:54 AM | Comments (0)