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September 23, 2005
Oz's mailbag
I feel like opening up the ol' mailbag again. But first, I had a truly traumatic experience at law school. For the first time, I was called on by a professor to answer questions about a case.
It was a delightful little case, where a guy bought a stove using fraudulent credit. He lied about his references or something. This was 1845 or so, so they didn't have VISA cards. The owners found out the guy was shady, and they went after him to get the stove back. When they caught up to him, they started arguing and eventually the guy with the stove took out a knife. The store guys then restrained the guy and took back their stoves. Then the guy sued the store owners for assault and battery, and got $1 in damages. But the court decided they had a right to use reasonable force to take back the stove, and when he took out the knife the owners had a right to defend themselves. So this guy was screwed either way.
Anyhow, the professor starts quizzing me on this thing, and I was petrified. I was able to answer most of the questions, but he nailed me when he asked me why I thought merchants had a right to detain people suspected of shoplifting. I had no clue! I mean, I knew why, but I couldn't remember at that point. So I was pissed when some other guy raised his hand and answered the question. Show off. In case you're wondering, merchants have a limited right to detain suspected shoplifters because if they didn't have that right, they could get sued if they were wrong, which would promote shoplifting because merchants would only detain the person they see walking off with an HDTV, or something.
Anyway, off to the mailbag!
First, the lovely Christy wants to know why I am so worked up about whether or not you would eat yourself if you were a hot dog:
I think you are over-analyzing this tofu dog thing. I mean, Sarah doesn't like hot dogs. So she'd prefer tofu. True, she wasn't answering the question, but she put a spin on it. And ICK! TOFU dogs?! Thats nasty!
As for you putting ketchup on yourself and eating yourself, that's really a pity. You'd ruin a perfectly good meal!
As you know, I'd def. eat myself- CHICAGO style!
But Sarah doesn't like tofu dogs! And she doesn't like regular hot dogs. So I think either way, she wouldn't eat herself. I guess the tofu part irked me because if you wouldn't eat yourself as a regular hot dog or a tofu dog, why's it matter?
So you'd eat yourself Chicago style, eh? How do you prepare yourself then? Get in a big hot tub until your are boiled, and then jump on an enormous Rosen's bun? I have to say, if you were a hot dog, and I was starving, I'd eat you, too.
Later, I wrote about how fucking annoying that girl who flips up her collar is. (I did some research, and apparently the proper term is popping your collar, which I am not going to use, because it is stupid.) Dan wrote in with an interesting proposition:
The question is: Is this girl hot?
No, she is definitely not hot. Her nose is always red, like she's been drinking, or she is Rudolph in disguise. However, even if she was hot, I'd still say she was a tool. I can possibly let the flipped collar go once or twice, but when she does it every single time, it's a little excessive. Just... Jesus Christ. Cut it out, lady! You annoy the ever loving shit out of me!
Next, I waxed eloquent about baseball. A fellow named Dave wrote in with an interesting proposition:
You sound like a man who would love cricket?
Whaaa? Cricket? To be honest, I never could much get into cricket. It's fascinating and all, but I don't know how I feel about a game that has a lunch break built into it.
Sure, baseball has the 7th inning stretch, but the players don't participate and it doesn't involve crumpets. Oh, there's the occasional sausage or pierogi race, but those are merely incidental.
But, baseball does have one great advantage. You can play while drunk or hungover. Grover Cleveland Alexander gave one of the all-time great World Series pitching performances while suffering a massive hangover. He handled the Yankees' famed Murderers Row for two innings to close out Game 7 of the 1926 Series.
Another pitcher, Doc Ellis, claimed he pitched a no-hitter while on acid. And if there is a modern day equivalent, it is David Wells, who pitched a perfect game on a few hours of sleep and a case of beer. That, friends, is a sport.
Now, if you don't mind, I think I am going to go eat some lunch now. Thanks for reading, and come back again, you knuckleheads.
Posted by oz115 at September 23, 2005 11:10 AM