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October 31, 2005

Homeless shelter update

Here's a story from The DePaulia (whom I once wrote a terrible newspaper column for) about the homeless shelter the Lincoln Park neighbors are trying to shut down. It once again references the alley that my humble home looks out onto.

Another story about it can be found here.

I once again can't complain about the conduct of the shelter patrons. I'm sure my vote won't matter, but I hope the shelter stays.

Posted by oz115 at 09:23 PM | Comments (0)

Brand new information

God damn I love the internet. If you're a fan of the Star Wars and Indiana Jones movies, you'll notice there's a peculiar scream that usually pops up at least once in every movie. It's so distinctive, that you just have to know it's some kind of inside joke. And, don't you know, it is!

For a painfully long article about the "Wilhelm Scream," click here, or click here for a very long (but worthy) clip of the scream's use in different movies. Needless to say, I was fascinated, enlightened, and somewhat horrified.

Posted by oz115 at 09:08 PM | Comments (1)

Great!

If you've ever visited me at my palatial apartment, you'll know that I live across the alley from a church. The church runs a homeless shelter, and in the evening there are usually a few homeless guys milling around the back. This isn't normally a problem for me, unless I think they're peering through the windows at me.

But it is a problem for some of my neighbors, because they're trying to shut down the place:

In Lincoln Park, a small band of old-guard homeowners and well-heeled newcomers have singled out the shelter as a major cause of crime in the affluent neighborhood. They launched Lincoln Park Neighbors for Safety and filed suit in June alleging that the program is operating illegally and unsafely.

The legal attack has appalled shelter officials and supporters who decry the suit as Not-In-My-Back-Yardism run amok.

"Many of the increasingly affluent people moving into the community ... do not realize what city living is all about. We do have crime," said 32-year resident Pat Terry. "They think Lincoln Park is fairyland."

Colleen Day, a plaintiff who said she was aggressively panhandled and sexually harassed by a shelter client near her house July 14, countered that shelter opponents simply want "to control whatever crime and harassment we can within our neighborhood."

Founded in 1985 by Lincoln Park residents and parishioners from three of the neighborhood's high-profile churches--St. Paul's United Church of Christ, St. Clement Catholic Church and Lincoln Park Presbyterian Church--the shelter has grown from a warming center to a year-round program. Church of Our Savior Episcopal also supports it.

It splits its operations between the Presbyterian church, 600 W. Fullerton Pkwy., and St. Paul's, 2335 N. Orchard St., which donate their basements, kitchens, showers, storage rooms, laundry areas and office space.

It doesn't surprise me that people are trying to close it down, but I don't know if it's necessary. I've lived there for more than a year, and the only problem I had was once getting hassled by a drunk guy. Clearly I can't speak for anyone else, but it seems to me the vast majority of the shelter's visitors are well-behaved. I'd hate to see a good and useful service ruined because a few people can't follow the rules.

I'd hope the reason behind this has nothing to do with the increasing home values in the neighborhood, but it wouldn't surprise me. Who wants to pay $500,000 for a condo and have to deal with homeless riff-raff? This is the North Side, where everything is grand!!!

As one of the people quoted in the article suggests, I'd also look to the many 20-somethings who populate the neighborhood at night. I'm not going to lie: some of these people are asses. If I had to pick who was the more likely public urination culprit and my choices were a homeless guy and a 22 year old dude, I'd give the 22 year old equal odds. Unless homeless guys are the ones who throw Chipotle wrappers and empty Miller Lite cans in my stairwell, or come in Palatine, get drunk and crash into parked cars, I'm not going to pin all the neighborhood's problems on them.

Posted by oz115 at 11:59 AM | Comments (0)

Halloween

I am convinced Halloween is one of the better holidays we celebrate. It's probably in my top five favorite holidays. Sure, there's all these implications of ghosts and Satan worship, but I say poo to that notion. Halloween, at its essence, is about acting like a kid again. It's casting off your suit and tie, donning an afro wig, and putting on a tie-dyed t-shirt.

I had that realization when I was walking down the street to the El today, when I saw a woman coming the other way dressed in a Cat in the Hat costume. She was walking along the sidewalk like it was perfectly normal to be in a big cat costume. One girl in class today decided to spice things up with cat ears. And nobody said a word.

The best part is seeing all the other costumes that people devise. They can be goofy, scary, or a famous person. At Hidden Shamrock on Saturday night, my favorite was a guy dressed like Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer. The whole cast of Pulp Fiction was there. I even saw a few Napoleon Dynamites, which I had once campaigned so vigorously for. (And it was probably good I didn't go with that, because all the Napoleon's looked kinda like dumbasses.)

So you see, Halloween is a time to act silly and put on weird clothes and look at the weird clothes other people put on. We need a day like that sometimes.

Posted by oz115 at 10:19 AM | Comments (1)

October 28, 2005

Great news

Apparently The Juice wants to come home:

This is a News 4 exclusive. It appears former Buffalo Bills star O.J. Simpson may be moving back to Western New York. News 4's Melissa Holmes reports from Niagara County where he's looking at some homes.

O. J. Simpson became famous as a Bill, notorious as a suspect in a double murder in the '90s, and could soon be known as a Niagara County resident.

Marvelous! OJ wants to return to the scene of his greatest triumph, notwithstanding The Naked Gun. Maybe he thinks he'll be more accepted in Western New York than in other places where people are still suspicious about that ugly double murder thing.

The funniest thing to me about the OJ murder trial was how upset many people in Buffalo were. The reaction was somewhere between disbelief and tacit acceptance, like "well that figures." Before that point, OJ and his football accomplishments were a source of pride. But not anymore.

So, I don't know how people will treat OJ if he moves back there. I think most people will treat him like any other neighbor. Just make sure you don't piss him off, okay?

Posted by oz115 at 09:32 AM | Comments (2)

October 27, 2005

It's so

Despite my prediction they would choke, the Chicago White Sox have won the World Series. Congratulations to them.

As a rooter for the Chicago Cubs, I'm supposed to be bitter, angry, and defiant. But I'm not. I'm happy for the Sox. I'm happy for the fans. I'm happy for Chicago. It's a good time to be a baseball fan in Chicago.

The thing that blows my mind the most is the sheer length of time between championships for the White Sox. 88 years. Three of my four grandparents hadn't even been born the last time they won. That's a really long time!

So, I extend my congratulations to the Sox and their fans. I know a couple of people who are not going to be able to stop smiling for a very long time. I hope they enjoy it.

As for me, there's always Next Year.

Posted by oz115 at 12:02 PM | Comments (3)

October 26, 2005

Bad karma

Today outside the law school, a Hagen Dasz truck was inexplicably double-parked on the street. I think the instant reaction to seeing such a thing is, "Good God, look at all that ice cream!" I could tell this was happening, because all the people outside the school were making eyes at the truck, wondering if they could somehow sneak into the truck and steal a pint.

Everyone was thinking this, except one important individual: the traffic management cop. She was there, pad in one hand and pen in the other, preparing an "Orange Friend" for the driver of the truck. She was a dour lady, apparently without joy in her life. Imagine, giving the driver of an ice cream truck a parking ticket! This woman was so grumpy, I bet the driver wouldn't have even been able to bribe her with a few free pints.

Posted by oz115 at 12:55 PM | Comments (2)

October 25, 2005

Great move

They've finally done it. Howard Stern's replacement has been named, and it's not one guy. It's a whole raft of people!

Ex-Van Halen frontmad David Lee Roth will take over in some eastern markets, while Adam Carolla gets some markets in the west. The rest are being taken by local dj's, CNN news, and the ever pervasive Jack format.

Now, it's no secret I've never been a big Stern fan, but I have to hand it to the guy. He is probably the biggest radio personality who's not an angry conservative. His shoes will be hard to fill.

But, honestly, David Lee Roth? What the hell? I know he must have gone through some arduous selection progress, but what exactly did he do to get onto the radio? Has he hosted a radio show before? And, is he capable of keeping a portion of Stern's ridiculously large audience? Time will tell.

Posted by oz115 at 10:52 AM | Comments (1)

October 24, 2005

The love pumpkin

Christy and I went to a pumpkin patch the other day and we both picked out a fine, hearty and stout example of the species.

It wasn't easy. Picking a pumpkin is a lot like shopping for a car, except you don't spend $20,000 on a pumpkin, nor do you need insurance for it. So I guess it's not like shopping for a car at all. But we did spend a good 15 minutes or so picking our pumpkins.

We took the pumpkins home, and Christy brought her trusty pumpkin carving tools. We sliced and diced like Dr. Frankenstein, removing the pulp, and carving away until the pumpkin took on a personality of its own.

There's our finished work. My pumpkin took a place of honor on my windowsill, for all to see as they passed by. I was very proud of the pumpkin.

Over the past few days, it started to rot and wither. Pumpkins do this. I wish they didn't. This one time, we had a pumpkin at home. When it rotted, my brother threw it into the pond. I don't know why he did that. It refused to sink, and eventually was frozen in the ice when winter finally came. It floated til the thaw, then sank beneath the surface. My pumpkin was now beginning that decline. I could see it sagging.

Today, I was sitting at my desk here, when I heard a thump. The pumpkin had fallen right off the windowsill and splattered into little bits on my floor. It was a sad sight, indeed. I scooped my pumpkin into a garbage bag and deposited him in the trash. There was nothing else that could be done.

I shall miss you, my orange friend. You had a good 8 days on my windowsill. I'll never forget you.

Posted by oz115 at 11:15 PM | Comments (1)

October 21, 2005

Oz's mailbag

I think it's time to open the ol' mailbag, don't you?

Stat Boy has a difference of opinion about a Seinfeld episode:

Yes, the final episode sucked. It will go down as one of the most underachieved final episodes in television history.

However, the episode with the Twix bar was hysterical. George's performance was classic, from his desperate "Jump!" plea to the Twix bar that was dangling in the machine to his famous line: "You're all screwin' me!" which he yelled when the employees ate the candy lineup.

Sorry old buddy, but I have to disagree. I did not like the Twix Bar episode one bit. It was all a little too absurd to me. The premise just went too overboard.

It started off fine. George wants to buy a candy bar, but when he uses his only dollar to purchase a Twix, it gets stuck in the machine. He goes to find the manager, but when they get back his Twix is gone, ostentsibly eaten by a mechanic who got two for the price of one. So far so good.

This is where it gets wacky. George then demands to have the mechanic fired for stealing the candy bar, and in so doing tries to set up a candy lineup in order to trick the mechanic. How a candy lineup would accomplish this, I don't know. Even more important, if George has no money, where did he get all the money to buy 8 more candy bars to make the lineup? And why is George so mad about it in the first place? Now he has 8 candy bars! The sideplot where Kramer tries to drive the car as far beyond the E on the gas gauge as possible was funny, but I don't know if it can redeem the terrible candy bar lineup premise.

Then, Christy isn't worrying about my Harrier Miers Jeopardy dream:

Oh do not fear, I'm not jealous of Harriet. After all, I've been having sexual dreams of Steven Tyler of AEROSMITH for weeks now.

You're right. I'm not upset about your Steven Tyler dreams, but maybe you should fear my dreams about Jeopardy. I am an avowed trivia nut, and Jeopardy is the ultimate trivia challenge. It has long been a fantasy of mine to be on Jeopardy, and one could even suppose a victory on Jeopardy is tantamount to some other people's sex fantasies, like, I don't know, scoring with a Playboy model or, uh, Steven Tyler. Is it possible in my mind I equate Jeopardy with sex? If so, having Harriet Miers there would be very troubling indeed. If not for you, then definitely for me. Yikes!

Then, Pete weighs in on the Sox/Cubs rivalry:

You have to admit that at least 10% of Cub fans are plain old assholes, too.

Sadly, this is also true. If only we could take the jackass fans of every team and give them their own team to root for! That way, we'd all have a team to hate. Oh... Well, I guess that's the New York Yankees. Thanks, I'll be here all week.

Finally, Beth says:

Hmmm I had a union meeting and the same thing....free Pizza, I did not join but the pizza was good! Of course I think the international law presentation sounded interesting...Professor Avramovich knows his stuff and also likes a good pizza!

Beth, thanks for reading. Now if you don't mind me asking, what the dickens are you talking about?

I think that about wraps it up for this edition of the mailbag. Keep the comments coming, you knuckleheads.

Posted by oz115 at 10:49 AM | Comments (2)

October 20, 2005

Huff

I'm still bitter, seven years later, about the final episode of Seinfeld. Through odd circumstances, the gang finds themselves in a small Massachusetts town, where they witness a carjacking. Instead of aiding the portly victim, they laugh at him. The joke is on them, though, because they violated a brand new law which made it a crime to not aid a person in distress if it reasonable to do so.

They're arrested, and the prosecutor decides to turn the trial into a media circus by calling witnesses to testify as to their anti-social behavior throughout the years. We get such characters as Babu Batt, Mr. Bookman, Cidra, Mr. Pitt and the infamous Soup Nazi. But the whole thing left me completely unfulfilled.

I don't see how showing all these bad things the foursome did relate to the crime at hand. Nor did star defense lawyer Jackie Chiles do a very good job of defending his clients. The worst part to me is when they call Sidra to the stand, and she claims Jerry sent Elaine into the sauna to find out if her breasts were real. Of course, when Elaine falls into Sidra, she grabs the boobs. Yes, that was clearly an intentional act. It boggles my mind - theoretically Jackie Chiles could've poked millions of holes in Sidra's version of events. But he was too busy wondering if they were, in fact, real.

But let's get to the crime supposedly committed by the group. According to the sheriff, they're required to help people if it is reasonable to do so. Now, the fat guy getting carjacked was being accosted by a man who either had a gun or was pretending to have a gun. I find it hard to believe the law would say it is reasonable for bystanders to go after a guy with a gun. If I was Jackie Chiles, maybe, just maybe, this piece of evidence would exonerate the foursome.

Am I overreacting? Do I know it's just TV? Yes, I do. But one of the hallmarks of Seinfeld was the humor in everyday situations. As the show progressed in its final years, plots got crazier and more surrealistic. It moved from being lost in a parking garage to the set-up of a mechanic who may have stolen a Twix bar. They simply got too absurd for their own good. The final episode epitomized this.

In that regard, I was disappointed. They had years to plan a final send-off for the Seinfeld gang, and I thought it was a big, fat dud. The least they could've done is make their demise plausible. I'm thinking if they wanted to try them for their past anti-social behavior, they could've had them all die in a plane crash and then be subject to some sort of trial to decide if they could gain admission to Heaven, with the ultimate result that they'd probably end up damned for all eternity.

Posted by oz115 at 10:08 PM | Comments (1)

Right...

Wait a minute. You're supposed to play drinking games with water?

Anheuser-Busch Cos. Inc. said it will quit marketing a drinking game called "Bud Pong" after discovering that some people were imbibing beer during the game instead of water, as directions specified.

The nation's biggest brewer rolled out "Bud Pong" in July, sending kits to beer wholesalers in 18 states. The bar game is played by bouncing ping pong balls into cups of liquid, with participants taking a drink if they lose a point. Anheuser-Busch suggested players fill the cups with water. A New York Times article Sunday described players using beer instead.

Posted by oz115 at 12:53 PM | Comments (1)

What's the matter, Colonel Sanders? Chicken?

Since I'm in law school, I've taken the unusual step of packing my lunch every day (except Friday, of course.) I didn't know this, but apparently it saves me money if I buy food from the grocery store rather than buying it from a restaurant. I do the same thing for dinner most days, too.

Saving money is nice, but there is a serious, serious drawback. On the same block as my school is a restaurant called, I believe, Chicken Planet. All they sell are roasted rotisserie chickens. When I walk by it in the morning, I can see hundreds of chickens rolling along, slowly cooking for the rush at lunchtime.

Now, as I sit in the library computer area, I am faced with a terrible prospect. I can smell the chicken wafting up from Chicken Planet, into the entire library. The back of Chicken Planet borders the school. It smells so delicious, I am tempted to rush down there at this very moment and purchase a chicken. I'd even break that $50 bill I was talking about. It is nearly impossible to concentrate when you can smell hundred of chickens cooking in the building below you.

I imagine this is what it feels like to be in jail, or to be a dog or cat locked in a room during a barbecue. As soon as I get done rambling at you, I will probably go to the window, look out at Chicken Planet, and start furtively scratching and jumping against the windown, trying to get at my poultry tormentor.

Speaking of poultry, what do you call a ghost that is a chicken?

Wait for it...

A poultry-geist! Ha ha ha!

Posted by oz115 at 12:22 PM | Comments (0)

Not a good way to start the morning

For whatever reason, all I have in my wallet right now is a $50 bill. This creates some problems for me, since every Thursday I like to go to Dunkin' Donuts and get a hot chocolate and a donut to keep me alive through my 8 am class.

I didn't want to break the fifty, nor be embarassed when the cashier yelled at me for not having anything smaller. I gathered $2.75 in quarters from my giant change bucket before I left home instead. The extra weight from all those quarters was somehow comforting.

You can imagine my anger when I got into class with a donut and beverage in hand, and I looked at the cup to discover a distinctly unhot chocolate looking liquid pooling around the plastic lid. Instead of hot chocolate, they had given me coffee loaded with cream and sugar. I was very displeased.

How can I eat a donut without hot chocolate? How can I survive an 8 am class without nourishment? It was not easy, friends. How can I get back all those quarters I spent on something I wouldn't even drink? As you can imagine, it was one of the more unsatisfying donuts I've ever had. To top it off, my hand now smells like old coffee, a smell I've come to hate from standing too near to coffee addicts and baristas. And I still have two hours to lunch!

Posted by oz115 at 08:59 AM | Comments (1)

October 19, 2005

Dreamtime

I had the weirdest dream last night. I rarely remember specific things about dreams, but this one was simply too absurd to forget.

Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers was on Jeopardy. But she was no ordinary contestant. She was the most annoying contestant ever. Everytime Trebek would ask a question, instead of answering she would ask for an explanation. If someone else buzzed in, she would keep talking anyway. Trebek was getting really upset, and would continually warn Miers that she could not speak at that particular point. Miers was made in my dream to look like an idiot.

What does it all mean? I haven't the slightest idea. I haven't really thought much about the Supreme Court nominee since I heard about it, nor do I have some deep-seated opinion about Harriet Miers as a person. If you have any idea as to what my dream about Harriet Miers on Jeopardy means, please tell me!

Posted by oz115 at 12:46 PM | Comments (3)

October 18, 2005

Moral dilemma

For the first time in nearly 50 years, the World Series is coming to Chicago. Sorry to say, it's the White Sox who are playing in the Fall Classic and not my beloved Chicago Cubs. But I now face a terrible dilemma: do I actually cheer for the White Sox?

Though I frequently profess to hate the White Sox, it is not the White Sox themselves I hate. I think they have some great players. Mark Buehrle and Freddy Garcia are awesome pitchers. Scott Podsednik is an electrifying base stealer. Ozzie Guillen is, well, Ozzie Guillen. As a team, you can't say they don't play a great and respectable brand of baseball.

But certain things about the Sox piss me off. I've said all I'm going to say about Ken Harrelson. He almost singlehandedly makes me want the Sox to lose.

Then there are White Sox fans. If you need an excuse to want the Sox to lose, this is it. I should say probably 90% of Sox fans are fine, decent human beings. But some of them are plain old assholes. I would suppose most teams have a certain amount of asshole fans, but it seems to be especially apparent with White Sox fans.

For some Sox fans, they are not as concerned with the Sox winning as much as the Cubs losing. The saying goes, Sox fans are fans of two teams: the Sox and whoever is playing the Cubs. One of these people will probably bring up a number of reasons why they hate the Cubs: they get more national media coverage; they're owned by the Tribune; their fans don't go to watch baseball, they go to be watched; Sammy Sosa (an ex South Sider, by the way.) They'd rather the Cubs lose than the Sox win. For a good example of this, see the insults flying back in forth on Zorn's weblog.

Now, like I said, I'm willing to bet most Sox fans could care less about the Cubs. But if so, there sure is a vocal minority who will take every chance they can get to stick it to the Cubs. And I don't know if I can handle the Sox taking all the bacon this year, simply because I don't want to hear about it from those clowns for the foreseeable future.

However, if the Sox do happen to win the World Series, I wouldn't throw myself off a bridge. Most Sox fans are decent people. The ball club they've assembled is a good group of people (except for maybe resident wingnut Carl Everett) and I would probably support them wholeheartedly if they were from any other city.

But, let's not forget. This is Chicago baseball. Something bad is bound to happen. I'm just waiting to see what it is.

Posted by oz115 at 07:06 PM | Comments (3)

Fun at another's expense

I was riding the Brown Line this morning, in my typical daze, when the train pulled into the Quincy stop. A woman got up to leave the train, and I noticed something very peculiar: the fly (or whatever the girl version of a fly is) on her fancy dress pants was wide open. I looked for a second, because I wanted to verify what I had seen.

Right about this time, she looked down, saw the same thing I saw, freaked out and instantly covered herself with a plastic Walgreens' bag. I giggled for a few good seconds. I wonder how long it took her to fix the problem?

I always get a good laugh out of open flies, mostly because that is the sort of problem I have on a far-too-often basis. I guess I take comfort in the fact that somebody else, who apparently is much more well put together than me, can encounter the same problem and not notice it for the duration of a ride on the elevated train.

Call me a perv if you must, but I was thoroughly amused.

Posted by oz115 at 12:04 PM | Comments (0)

A perfect fit

I think this dog might fit in with a few police departments here and there:

ROTHERHAM, England -- Buster the German shepherd could have had a great career as a British police dog had it not been for one flaw: his lack of interest in fighting crime.

The canine cop took early retirement after bosses at South Yorkshire Police noted his poor motivation -- and a fondness for making friends with rowdy drunkards, his former handler said Monday.

Posted by oz115 at 12:02 PM | Comments (0)

October 17, 2005

They're always after me lucky charms

Do you want to know what I think the biggest sham in Hollywood is? I don't care if you want to know, I'm telling you anyway. I believe the unrated version of movies released on DVD are a big waste of money.

Lately the unrated version has been coming out for goofy frat boy movies which are usually chock full of sex, nudity, and KY jelly. The rationale is simple: the R rated version has to be understandably restrained. If they let every bit of full frontal nudity in the movie, they'd get slapped with an NC-17 rating! So they chop it out and get an R rating, then release the "unrated" version which supposedly puts in all the stuff that was too hot for the theater.

But, as I said, it's a sham. I don't think there is any difference. If it is, it's negligible. They want you to think it's going to be ten minutes longer with a tasty lesbian sex scene, or something. They can slap a few extra dollars on the price, call it unrated and set it lose on the public.

Oh big Hollywood studio, you ain't fooling me. I know your unrated edition is all lies. You can entice me with the prospect of all the extra nudity you want, but I know better. Unrated edition? More like stupid edition!

(On the other hand, I am scared to see what is in the "unrated" Family Guy DVD...)

Posted by oz115 at 09:27 PM | Comments (1)

Rocky five... thousand!

The day of reckoning is upon us. They're making a sixth Rocky movie!

In the new installment, Rocky, lonely and retired in Philadelphia, comes out of retirement, intending to fight a few low-profile local fights. He's approached to fight a match with reigning heavyweight champ Mason "The Line" Dixon, and soon his comeback ignites a media firestorm.

" 'Rocky Balboa' is about everybody who feels they want to participate in the race of life, rather than be a bystander," Stallone said in a statement. "You're never too old to climb a mountain, if that's your desire."

Shooting is scheduled to begin in December in Los Angeles and Philadelphia.

A villain named Mason Dixon? Are you kidding me?

For me, Rocky IV is still the greatest of all Rocky movies. It has it all: heartbreak, disappointment, adversity, and ultimate triumph, not to mention an awesome training montage. There are the unexplained things, like why Rocky's son is a teenager in Rocky IV but a first-grader in Rocky III.

It was also shocking. Don't tell me you knew Apollo Creed was going to die at the hands of Ivan Drago the first time you watched the movie. That sure took me by surprise!

Ivan Drago. Now this was a villain. The complete opposite of Rocky: tall and blonde, with an unmatched boxing pedigree, unless you count their shared inability to speak English intelligibly.

Their differences were emphasized in the training montage, when Rocky runs through Siberian snowdrifts, benchpresses stacks of yak bones and warms himself with a fire fueled by wood chopped with his own hand, motivated only by wallet-sized snaps of his family and Drago tucked inside a mirror. Drago, on the other hand, does all his training in a futuristic climate-controlled lab, getting steroid injections and nutrient shakes.

It's no surprise when Rocky wins. There is a mythical list floating around, purporting to show which movie scenes it is perfectly acceptable for a man to cry: most notably the death scene in Old Yeller and the catch scene in Field of Dreams. I am certain Rocky's victory speech in Rocky IV should be on that last. Rocky IV, you must break me!

Posted by oz115 at 11:50 AM | Comments (2)

October 14, 2005

Insert joke about my refrigerator here

Some examples to get you started:

I thought the oldest noodles in the world were in Osgood's fridge;

Osgood wouldn't think twice about eating 4,000 year old noodles;

It doesn't matter, because Osgood hasn't done his dishes in 4,001 years.

LONDON (Reuters) - Italians are known for them and theories suggest they may have originated in the Middle East but scientists said Wednesday the world's oldest known noodles, dating back 4,000 years, were made in China.

Houyuan Lu, of the Chinese Academy of Science in Beijing and his colleagues found the ancient noodles preserved in an overturned, sealed bowl at an archaeological site near the Yellow River in northwestern China.

"Our discovery indicates that noodles were first produced in China about 4,000 years ago," Lu said in an interview.

Until the discovery, reported in the science journal Nature, the oldest written account of noodles was in a book written during the East Han Dynasty in China sometime between 25 and 220.

Please feel free to give your own suggestions at to how this news article can be used to make fun of me.

Posted by oz115 at 03:00 PM | Comments (2)

October 13, 2005

Wah wah

I'm agitated at all the whining coming out of Anaheim about last night's ball game. I don't feel like explaining it, so I'll let ESPN do it.

I'll repeat the same thing I say to the people who blame poor Steve Bartman for the Cubs losing the NLCS two years ago: it's not his fault. The team lost it. For the Cubs, Bartman didn't give up 8 runs in the inning. Bartman didn't commit an error in that inning. Bartman certainly didn't lose Game 7.

And so it is with the umpire last night who made the controversial call. The umpire didn't not tag Pierzynski. The umpire didn't let Pablo Ozuna steal second base. And it definitely wasn't the umpire who served up a fat pitch that Joe Crede pounded into the left field corner for a game-winning double.

If the Angels had recovered, nobody would be talking about the ump's call. They didn't, and it's their fault. It's convenient to blame the umpire, but in their hearts, the fans and players should really know whose fault it is.

Posted by oz115 at 09:03 PM | Comments (1)

Awesome

The most random thing has happened today. I don't have to go to class because today is the first full day of Yom Kippur, the Jewish New Year. I am especially happy about this because it keeps me from having to go to my dreaded 8 am class, and because I am swamped with work that would otherwise have caused me to go insane. I already had to cancel a date with my super-duper lovely girlfriend on account of my nagging mistress, the law. In that regards, the day off is nice, because I am going to roll down to school and slap around some of this work.

On the other hand, I was stunned when I first heard we were getting the day off for Yom Kippur. Where I grew up, there wasn't much in the way of racial minorities. There was one black family. I don't recall any Asians, or even any Hispanics for that matter. We had a kid who claimed to be 1/8 Cherokee. Everyone else was white as white could be. In hindsight, it would have done me a lot of good to not be so insulated from people of different backgrounds, but that is the way I grew up.

There was, of course, one Jewish family. Their daughter was in my grade, and every year around Christmas the teachers would cancel regular class and have her give a presentation about Hannukah and dreidles and how the lamp burned for so many days. I was never like, "well that's bull plop, she ought to take Jesus as her savior," but I know a few parents felt that way about the little Hannukah lesson.

As for me, I always wondered what it was like to be in a society which observes all the religious holidays you simply don't believe in. I feel a little bit like that with this Yom Kippur thing. I celebrate by sleeping in, but somewhere, people are going to synagogue and fasting and doing whatever else they do to celebrate the day. It's just another day to me, and that must be a strange thing for some people to believe.

Posted by oz115 at 09:36 AM | Comments (1)

October 12, 2005

Nomar for President

Way to go, Nomar! How does he feel about kissing babies?

BOSTON -- Former Red Sox shortstop Nomar Garciaparra rescued two women who had fallen into Boston Harbor late last week, his uncle and a witness told the Boston Herald.

Garciaparra, traded to the Chicago Cubs on July 31, 2004, was with his uncle in his Charlestown condominium at about 10 p.m. Friday when they heard a scream and a splash, said the uncle, Victor Garciaparra.

As soon as the All-Star shortstop and two-time American League batting champ ran out the door to help the woman, her friend also fell in, hitting her head on the pier, said Victor Garciaparra, who oversees his nephew's business and charitable ventures.

Victor Garciaparra jumped from the balcony to the water 20 feet below.

"I swam towards them and by the time I reached them, Nomar was already there holding the girls up," he told the newspaper. "But he couldn't get them up without help."

One woman had a large lump on her head and appeared to be unconscious, he said. When she came to, the first thing she said was: "Are you Nomar?" Victor Garciaparra said.

Posted by oz115 at 08:00 AM | Comments (2)

October 11, 2005

Just another day

Nothing makes a great front page news story like some escaped cows:

FAIRFIELD COUNTY - State Troopers knew they were in for something a little different Sunday after receiving reports of two accidents involving cows and vehicles on U.S. 33.

Doing a quick search of the area near Allen Road, troopers determined that about a dozen black cows were loose in the area surrounded by cornfields, pastures and farm houses.

Three cows were killed in the auto accidents at the intersection of Allen Road.

Firefighters Monday used thermal-imaging techniques to try to spot members of the herd that had escaped into a nearby cornfield.

"Our concern has to be with the safety of the motoring public and the private property. We don't want to see any more accidents,"said State Highway Patrol Trooper Kurt Hedges.

Hedges said the Central Indiana & Ohio Railroad was warned about the cattle running loose on and near the railroad line.

And as of 4 p.m. Monday, troopers remained on the lookout for roaming cows.

The first indication that there were signs of trouble was two accidents at 8:30 p.m. Sunday.

Posted by oz115 at 10:46 AM | Comments (1)

October 10, 2005

I'm shakin

Madonna may be in big trouble with the man upstairs after she put a song about 16th century Jewish scholar Yitzhak Luria. Apparently it is against Jewish law to profit from the name of a rabbi:

Rabbis who oversee Luria's tomb and a seminary in the northern town of Safed are unimpressed with Madonna's musical tribute and see the inclusion of the song about Luria on the album as an attempt by the pop star to profit from his name.

Rabbi Rafael Cohen, head of a seminary named after Luria, suggested Madonna's actions could lead to divine retribution.

"Jewish law forbids the use of the name of the holy rabbi for profit. Her act is just simply unacceptable and I can only sympathize for her because of the punishment that she is going to receive from the heavens," Cohen told the newspaper.

I don't doubt the rabbi's conviction that Madonna will be getting her due when she shuffles off this mortal coil, but could anybody think of anything else Madonna may have done during her lifetime which also may have also been an affront to God? If you ask me, this rabbi thing definitely tops all those.

Posted by oz115 at 05:56 AM | Comments (1)

October 07, 2005

One for the family

It's time for me to bask in reflected glory. Congratulations to Lee Stempniak, who as my mom's cousin's child is my second cousin. He made his NHL debut last night with the St. Louis Blues, logging 7 minutes of ice time. That's 7 more minutes than I'll ever have in the NHL.

If anything, I think this proves some athletic ability runs in the family. I've never met the fellow, but it's still astounding to have a "relative" in the National Hockey League. He even looks a little like that side of the family!

Posted by oz115 at 11:20 AM | Comments (0)

We have a weiner

The gloriously funny Ig Nobel Awards have been decided once again:

Gregg Miller mortgaged his home and maxed out his credit cards to mass produce his invention — prosthetic testicles for neutered dogs.

What started 10 years ago with an experiment on an unwitting Rottweiler named Max has turned into a thriving mail-order business. And on Thursday night Miller's efforts earned him a dubious yet strangely coveted honor: the Ig Nobel Prize for medicine.

"Considering my parents thought I was an idiot when I was a kid, this is a great honor," he said. "I wish they were alive to see it."

The Ig Nobels, given at Harvard University by Annals of Improbable Research magazine, celebrate the humorous, creative and odd side of science.

I don't know how I feel about the winner of the "literature prize": to people behind the most famous e-mail scam of all time, the Nigerian who needs access to your bank account. Seems to me this is rewarding crime, which should not be given any more incentive!

Posted by oz115 at 09:51 AM | Comments (1)

October 06, 2005

Rack 'em up

Oh how I would enjoy this: The White Sox have a two to nothing lead in their playoff series, and the way the media here is talking, you should already be buying your World Series tickets. Don't they know any better? The Sox are being set for a magnificent fall.

First of all, this is Chicago. Things do not go right for Chicago baseball teams. The last time a Chicago ball club was in the playoffs, they had a 3-1 lead in the championship series, were 8 outs from a World Series appearance, but fate intervened in the form of a headphone wearing spectator. Last year, the Red Sox were two outs away from elimination, but came back. Then they won three more in a row to defeat the Yankees, 4 games to 3. Years before that, Boston engineered many other comebacks when they were down 2-0 in the division series. But the Sox are walking along without a care in the world, despite the evidence they still have plenty left to worry about.

My point: it seems that certain Sox fans are suffering from that age-old malady: hubris. It befell Oedipus, and MacBeth, and other people I don't feel like looking up. I pray to God they get nailed for it.

Posted by oz115 at 06:02 AM | Comments (2)

October 04, 2005

Pizza!

I had this roommate in college, and he would always get excited whenever we ordered pizza. He'd start yelling "peet-za!" and bounce off the walls until the pizza arrived.

I like pizza, but it is not my go-to food. If I ever have a food craving, it's usually for a turkey sandwich, or a quesadilla, or something similar. But it seems like Americans love their pizza.

I don't know why I did, but I once asked my parents if pizza parlors were all over the place when they were growing up. They weren't, but my dad reports that my grandma (100% Sicilian... so watch your back) could make a mean pie. I figure this pizza craze started back in the 80's, right when I had the pleasure of starting to grow up.

Nowadays, it seems like everyone loves pizza. If you're with a big group of people, why not make everyone happy and order pizza? However, there is always one dufus who insists on some really asinine topping like peaches or something. Nevertheless, everyone can agree on pizza. It fills you up, and it's cheap.

Who likes cheap food? Students, of course. Now, in my school e-mail, I get all these invitations to go to presentations by distinguished law professors, presidents of African nations, etc. Every single e-mail ends with the same four words: pizza will be served. They are trying to lure us with pizza to come see these speakers. It's amusing.

It's never anything else, either. It's always pizza. No hot dogs, or brats, or tacos or something. Always pizza. I am starting to expect it, and I giggle every time it is there.

For example:

Everybody is invited to the Public Interest Law Council's next meeting TODAY at 5:30 p.m. in Room 201. Free pizza will be served--don't forget to bring your own drinks! There are a variety of ways for everyone interested to get involved. At the meeting, we will be assigning people into committees to get things. Come and find out what public interest law is all about and how to get involved. Hope to see you there!

Or

Tomorrow (Tuesday), from 12:00 - 1:00 in Room 201, ATLA will be sponsoring its second guest speaker of the year: Mr. Lester Finkle

Mr. Finkle is an adjunct professor here at John Marshall, and has accumulated extensive experience in and around the courtroom during his tenure at the Cook County State's Attorney's Office. His presentation is sure to be both interesting and entertaining

We encourage everyone to attend! Free pizza will be provided.

Or...

The International Law Society Presents:

A Discussion on Religious Persecution

Speaker: Michael P. Avramovich
Michael Avramovich & Associates, P.C.

JMLS Adjunct Professor of International Business and Trade Law

Tuesday, October 4th, 2005

1:00 PM

Room 201

Pizza will be served

All are welcome!

So you see, they know that what they have to talk about may not be that exciting, so let's buy a couple cheeses from Domino's for $10 and lure those suckers in. It's brilliant.

Posted by oz115 at 05:22 PM | Comments (3)

Snazzy

Here's a fabulous idea. A place like Buffalo has one major thing going for it: excellent food. They need to cash in on it, and the fine folks at the Anchor Bar are taking that first step. Here's hoping they succeed.

The Main Street bar that invented a spicy hot late night chicken wing snack and made it famous far beyond Buffalo's borders is ready to sell "Anchor Bar" franchises nationwide with a West Coast twist.

...

Each franchise will have the tavern look of the Anchor Bar with the same kind of entrance decor - a buffalo head with wings behind the ears and a five and a half foot tall statue of liberty holding a plate of wings.

"Once you walk in that door you're going to think you're in the Anchor Bar back in Buffalo," said Veyette.

The franchise plan began when the restaurant's two co-owners considered proposals and sought advice. Edith Bellissimo, the widow of the founders' son, owns the Anchor Bar with a former employee Ivano Toscani. The pair are now partners in the franchise company. The other partners are Veyette and Henry Weber, an old friend of Veyette's and the president of ReMax of New York, a real estate franchise.

Posted by oz115 at 07:37 AM | Comments (1)

October 03, 2005

F you, Microsoft Word

The Microsoft Office package drives me absolutely bonkers probably 50% of the time I use it.

To wit, there is the infamous autoformat feature. It's a great idea, do things for the user which he is probably attempting to do anyway. But it creates a cavalcade of problems.

It usually rears its ugly head when you are trying to make a bulletted list. If I type a 1., and then write a sentence, it automatically indents your list and throws down a 2. for you, also indented. There is no reasoning with the program, and if you try to back space or unindent it, all it does is erase your 1. and probably also your carefully constructed sentence. My dad, who you might call a luddite, absolutely hates this particular feature. And I do, too. Let me make my own fucking lists. The problem is, half the time it does stuff that you don't notice, or don't know about, and when you send it off to the real world somebody sees your messed up formatting and sneers at you for being an idiot who can't use his computer.

So, I turned in this assignment for one of my classes. Word managed to mess up my most basic feature, my headings. I divided my assignment into sections, which had nifty names like "I - ISSUES" or "IV - ANALYSIS." Good start, right? However, whenever you put a - in Word, it takes your dash and turns it into a thick double dash sort of thing. I knew this, but this time, it only did it for half of the headings, and inexplicably left some of them in the default dash. I have no idea why, except it must think there is some important difference between a "I" and a "II." I didn't notice the mistake because, well, I didn't think it would be messed up.

Imagine my dismay when I got the assignment back and the professor actually NOTICED that the dashes were different in my headings. While I blame myself for not catching the mistake, I am still awfully sore at Microsoft for building so many inconsistent features into their program. My solution, instead of battling with the dashes, is to forevermore make my headings "I. ISSUES" and tell the dash to take a hike. Conversely, I may just take the autoformat features and drop them into a lake wearing concrete shoes. Oh if that were only possible.

Posted by oz115 at 08:19 PM | Comments (4)

This *is* Grand

Monday sucks enough as it is, so what better thing to wake up to than news that the El is all shot to hell because a train derailed early in the morning? But there it was, right on the news, a single train car hanging out on the tracks right where the Brown and Red Lines seperate (overlooking Johnny O'Hagan's, I would suppose.)

I trudged over to the El station anyway, where a fleet of buses was chilling out beneath the tracks. The CTA was taking people from the Addison stop down to my stop, where the people could board the trains and get downtown. The operation did run rather smoothly, except the station had about triple its normal volume. I had to wait in line just to get into the station, and then wait in more lines to get on a train, which unsurprisingly was packed to the gills.

And I was only five minutes late to class, where my professor warned if anyone in class worked for the CTA, don't tell him because he can't be responsible for his actions. In order for this to be really funny, you must know that this particular professor speaks in an extremely monotone voice which is pretty much utterly devoid of humor. He is the law professor version of Steven Wright. But somehow he's funny anyway.

Now, I was all prepared to be pissed at the CTA, but they did all this in a very orderly fashion, and got everyone where they were going as best they could. I can't really complain about the CTA's handling of the situation from my point of view. I suppose somebody who had to take a bus from Addison to Fullerton may have a different opinion.

Posted by oz115 at 11:03 AM | Comments (1)

Texas pick 'em

The president finally made his latest Supreme Court pick, and it's Harriet Miers. Whaaaaa? Well, she's his chief counsel and formerly served as his personal lawyer. Furthermore, she's never been a judge.

I can deal with this one. Many doomsayers were predicting that Bush would stack the court with guys who made the Blue Collar Comedy tour men look progressive. While John Roberts is definitely conservative, I don't get the icky feeling I get from somebody like Scalia.

I'm not all that disturbed that she's never been a judge, either. Lots of Supreme Court justices had never been judges, and the country has not gone to hell in a handbasket because of it. I'll admit it's a little suspect that he appointed somebody so close to him, but that's the way Bush operates, so I would expect nothing less.

Posted by oz115 at 10:50 AM | Comments (0)