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January 07, 2006

I'm a handful

I've come to the realization that growing up, I was a pain in the ass. I probably am still a pain in the ass. Here's how much of a bastard I was.

Getting up in time for anything was a big problem for me. I could have something to do at 1 in the afternoon, and I would still find a way to sleep so much that I was late.

Clearly, I used to be late alot for school. I had to get picked up by the school bus at the end of the driveway, and unless I was there right when the bus rolled by at about 45 mph, I was hitchhiking to school. I was never monstrously late, but I'd be late by four or five minutes.

Eventually my tardies piled up, until one day I got a DETENTION for being tardy. I never got detentions for anything. The only time I ever got in trouble was the time I threw a snowball in the fourth grade. I got two timeouts for that, which were like detentions but instead of being after school for an hour you had to skip recess. Another time, my friend Barry White pulled the fire alarm when I was standing next to him, and *I* got in trouble along with him. I was pissed, mainly because I was standing there, and I didn't know he was actually going to do it. I don't believe I got punished for that.

But back to the story. I got a detention for being tardy. At my junior high school, detention consisted of sitting in a room with the shades pulled down for 45 minutes. Apparently, to the veterans of detention, it was "nap time." There was a guy at school whose sole job was discipline, and he ran the detention. Every day, after school, he would sit in that dark room and stare at the wall. He did not allow anyone to read, or to talk, or to write. All you did was sit. It was incredibly boring. I wish I had a cool story like that's where I met my future wife, but no. I served my detention, and left. And that was it.

Being late and all, my mom decided the solution to my problem was to make me go to sleep earlier. I used to stay up late and read into the wee hours - like, you know, 11 pm. One day I was reading off on my merry way when the lights in my room suddenly went out. I looked around in the dark for awhile, but to no avail. The next day mom told me she had the electrician come and wire my room so that the power would go out every night at 10:30. But a few nights later I found that she had bought some sort of timer that all my stuff was hooked into, and I unhooked it, taunted my mom, and kept on reading.

I also kept on being late. The next time I got a detention for being late was in high school. Being a Catholic high school, they thrive on two things: bingo money and indentured servitude. So, instead of sitting in a darkened room, they put us to work picking up litter outstide the school during detention. Much like Andy Dufresne in Shawshank Redemption, it felt good to work outside instead of sit in a cell. But, unlike Andy Dufresne, nobody threatened to push me off a roof and I did not get a bucket of cold beer for my detention mates.

Now, the only thing that managed to get me to school on time was a girl. Oh, you know, it's embarassing and stuff but I had it bad for a girl named Jessica my senior year of high school, and we had class first period together. I'd notice that she was always there before school started, so I had it in my mind that I would show up early too, sit out there, work my magic, and she would then make out with me in the hallway. As you might have guessed, it did not work.

But if there's one thing I'm not, it's a quitter, and I showed up every day about a half hour before school started. I didn't have any more detentions, but I didn't have any dates, either. Lucky for me now, I can have as many dates as I want with the girl of my dreams. And I'm even usually on time for them! I guess it was a good tradeoff, don't you think?

Posted by oz115 at January 7, 2006 08:39 PM

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Posted by: Christy Your Love! at January 8, 2006 02:10 AM

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