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March 14, 2006
Faux March Madness, History Region
Fresh on the heels of yesterday's bracket unveiling, let's take a look at the results from the always-competitive History Region!
#1 Andrew Jackson 88, #16 Zachary Taylor 50. Ouch! Old Hickory puts a whooping on Old Rough and Ready. AJ was one major badass, carrying a bullet in his body from a duel during his youth. Additionally, he survived an assassination attempt where BOTH of the assassin's guns jammed, whereupon AJ beat the assailant with his cane. Damn! On the other hand, Zachary Taylor keeled over from cholera a year and a half into his presidency. Stick to fighting Mexicans, Zach.
#2 Susan B. Anthony 74, #15 Betsy Ross 61. Susan B's credentials were hurt by the disastrous silver dollar of hers, but really this is a mismatch. Anthony had a tremendous impact on women's rights, while Betsy Ross may or may not have sewn the first American flag. Psschaw!
#3 Ferdinand Magellan 72, #14 James Cook 65. Both these knuckleheads got whacked during their voyages. Cook discovered Hawaii and Tahiti, both tropical paradises. But to quote Jerry Seinfeld, Magellan sailed "Around the world. Come on!" That settles it for me.
#4 Clarence Darrow 82, #13 Johnnie Cochran 80, OT. Almost an upset, but Clarence Darrow emerges victorious. Cochran was by all means a superstar defense lawyer, but Darrow was the original! Cochran hangs around by virtue of getting an acquittal for OJ Simpson.
#5 Henry Clay 66, #12 William Jennings Bryan 59. In a battle of can't-win presidential candidates, Clay wins because he wasn't quite as nuts as Bryan, and because he uttered the ultimate "I can't win" statement: "I'd rather be right than be president." Sure you would, boss.
#6 Blackbeard 59, #11 Captain Kidd 54. Almost another upset! This time, Blackbeard wins because of his sheer brutality. It took 5 bullets and 20 stab wounds to fell Blackbeard, but Kidd had to be hanged twice after the first rope broke. Both pretty badass. But Blackbeard comes out the winner because he used to intimidate victims by tying pieces of paper to his beard and lighting them on fire. Shit!
#7 Queen Elizabeth 80, #10 Katherine the Great 68. Much like so-and-so was The Man, Queen Elizabeth was the Woman. She thrived where many a person would have crumpled, and as The Simpsons points out, she gave every aging English actress a role to play. Katherine was a great patron of the hearts, but you can't overlook that horse thing.
#9 Werner von Braun 77, #8 Robert Goddard 71. I don't know what to say. Goddard was one of the earliest rocket pioneers, but von Braun was the brains behind the American space program. Additionally, comical German accent was mined for great comedy in "The Right Stuff."
WVB: "I agree with those who say vee could send a jimp."
Lyndon Johnson: "A jimp? Well what the hell is a jimp?"
WVB: "A jimp, Senator! A jimpanzee. An ape, no?"
Ah... classic.
So then, after the first round of the History Region, we have these exciting matchups:
#1 Andrew Jackson vs. #9 Werner von Braun
#5 Henry Clay vs. #4 Clarence Darrow
#6 Blackbeard vs. #3 Ferdinand Magellan
#2 Susan B. Anthony vs. #7 Queen Elizabeth
entry no. 450
Posted at March 14, 2006 05:03 PM
Comments
What in the holy name of God are you talking about? You have too much time on your hands... go read a law book or something!
Posted by: Lady Christy at March 14, 2006 10:48 PM
I'm going with von Braun in an upset over Jackson because, as far as I'm aware, the latter was never the subject of a Tom Lehrer song. ("'Vonce ze rockets go opp, who cares vere zey komm down? Zat's not my deparrrtment,' says Werner von Braun.")
And which Elizabeth is that, QE1 or QE2? 1 was cool enough to have an entire era named after her, but 2 begat the doofus Charles. SBA beats 2, but loses to 1.
Posted by: Pete at March 21, 2006 12:50 PM
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Posted by: Bob at March 30, 2006 12:45 PM