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March 20, 2006
Faux March Madness, Chicago Region
Now I'm sure all of you are wondering, "where the heck are the Faux March Madness results?" Sorry about that. I sort of spent the past weekend destroying my liver because it was St. Patrick's Day, and that's what I do. I hope you don't mind. First, let me add congratulations to the George Mason Patriots, who are in the Sweet Sixteen of that other March Madness going on. My dear cousin Erica is presently a freshman at George Mason, and I hear she is having quite the time with all this.
Now, as for the Chicago Region, boy on boy do we have some games for you!
#1 Justice John Paul Stevens 78, #16 Judge Richard Posner 60. Oh my. JP smokes Posner, mostly because Chicago native Stevens is on the Supreme Court, while Posner sits on the not-so-glamorous United States Court of Appeals for the Seventh Circuit. Posner loses points because his law/economics theory always pisses me off when I have to read his opinions, but super liberal Stevens fails to make it a complete blowout because strict conservative supremes like Scalia and Thomas mean JP is more than likely going to be stuck writing yet another dissenting opinion!
#15 Jeremy Piven 67, #2 Vince Vaughn 66. Wowza! We have an upset. Everyone loves Vince Vaughn, but that is exactly the problem. Double V needs to get out and play somebody other than Vince Vaughn, which is kinda what he's been doing since Old School. Plus, I'm pretty sick of hearing about Jennifer Aniston. Piven gets by on great fundamentals, and for managing to stick around in two of the great college comedies, the aformentioned Old School AND the highly underrated PCU.
#14 Walter Payton 77, #3 Michael Jordan 65. Yipes, another upset! A commenter argued that Sweetness should be far greater than a 14 seed, but I had to base that on the fact that Payton is a legendary Chicago Bear but not quite as idolized outside Bear-Land, but Jordan is one of the most famous athletes in the world. But Payton beats Jordan by living a classy, dignified and too-short life.
#4 Red Line 72, #13 Blue Line 66. What can I say? I detest the Blue Line. The doors on the trains open accordion-style, so if you are standing near one the door will pinch you when it opens. Plus, it goes to O'Hare and is filled with plenty of obnoxious travelers who take up one whole side of the car with their luggage.
#5 Dominick's 62, #12 Jewel-Osco 59. Dominick's wins because its stores are cleaner and have a far greater variety of ready-made food, plus when the afore-mentioned liver destruction led to a 2 am sushi run at Dominick's, not only did they have sushi but the cashier was friendly!
#6 Dr. Richard Kimble 75, #11 Dr. Doug Ross 68. I don't watch much ER, but to my knowledge Dr. Ross never got throwed in jail for killing his wife. But let me put it this way: one is Harrison Ford, the other is George Clooney. I love Clooney, but it's Harrison Ford. Game, set, match.
#7 Kanye West 74, #10 Billy Corgan 72. This was a tough one. Kanye is a pompous ass, and Billy Corgan is a tempermental mo-feek who disintegrates bands like most people go pee. But, this is Kanye's year and Billy Corgan hasn't done much except once again vow to reform the Smashing Pumpkins. Now that he's eliminated from the competition, Billy ought to have some more time to work on that.
#9 William Ligue, Jr. 88, #8 Steve Bartman 85 (OT). This was another really tough one. Bartman's immortality was sealed when the Cubs collapsed after his gaffe, but then excused himself from the public eye, acted dignified when he could have spontaneously combusted, and has slipped into some sort of normal life. William Ligue, however, keeps going. The shirtless Sox fan who attacked KC Royals coach Tom Gamboa with the aid of his shirtless son keeps breaking parole and is about to find himself back in the slammer. It may be hard to believe, but Ligue seems to have more staying power. Ligues also is much more comical in appearance than Bartman:
So there you have it. The second round in the Chicago Region features these interesting matches:
#1 Justice John Paul Stevens vs. #9 William Ligue, Jr.
#7 Kanye West vs. #15 Jeremy Piven.
#4 Red Line vs. #5 Dominick's.
#6 Dr. Richard Kimble vs. #14 Walter Payton.
Posted by oz115 at March 20, 2006 10:23 PM
Comments
Both Ligue and Bartman are comical in appearance in their own ways. Ligue as drunken trailer trash, Bartman as doofus idiot fan who has a front row seat yet still has to listen the radio broadcast to be told what the hell is going on in the game.
Posted by: Pete at March 21, 2006 09:21 AM
Dominicks. WTF! Jewel has the better stores by far. The evidence is the fact that everybody national grocery chain wants to buy Jewel. Safeway (who owns Dominicks) can't find anybody willing to buy that steaming pile....
Posted by: Gentile at March 21, 2006 05:21 PM