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March 22, 2006
Faux March Madness, Miscellaneous Region
Ah, the first round of Faux March Madness is about to wrap up. Who will advance in the Miscellaneous Region? Let's do it!
#1 John Wayne 84, #16 Jackie Chan 70. Jackie Chan may have tons of moves and famously does his own stunts, but John Wayne is like Duke. In fact, he *is* the Duke. And the Duke does not go down in the first round. Plus, John Wayne has the coolest block of cement outside the Chinese Theater in Hollywood. Look at that, it's his fist! What a guy!
#2 Winston Churchill 75, #15 Margaret Thatcher 68. Mrs. Thatcher gives Churchill a run for his money, but Churchill beats the pants off Madge in the end. His decisive leadership kept the Germans from invading Britain, and this is AFTER recovering from a disgraceful spell with the British Admiralty during WW1. A true man of steel.
#14 Vanilla Ice 77, #3 MC Hammer 60. Ooh, this one got ugly. Ice wins because although both of these guys are the very definition of washed-up rappers, Ice's hit "Ice Ice Baby" now has retro chic and even gets played on the radio every now and then. Hammer, don't hurt 'em.
#4 Condoleeza Rice 76, #13 Madeline Albright 74, OT. I'm not sure what Madeline Albright is up to nowadays, but now people want Condi to be commissioner of the NFL. If there's one thing more "boys only" than being Secretary of State, it's got to be the National Football League. (Unless you are a cheerleader who will shake your ta-ta's at the camera.)
#5 Achilles 70, #12 King David 66. Sure, David was in the Bible and all, but did Brad Pitt ever play him in a movie? And what does it say about me that this is my criteria? Actually, slaying Goliath was pretty cool, but he used the very wussy sling to accomplish his deed. On the other hand, Achilles killed his enemies in brutal hand-to-hand combat, and his stressbuster of choice was a concubine or, possibly, his cousin. Yeah boy!
#11 Tim Horton 80, #6 Stan Mikita 74. Tim Horton was one of the greatest defensemen in the history of the National Hockey League until his untimely death, and nowadays his name lives on with some fabulous donuts. Stan Mikita threw down an incredible 541 goals in the NHL, but his donut chain is only fictional, being Wayne Campbell's favorite hideout. Real trumps fake, I always say.
#7 Kurt Cobain 66, #10 Jim Morrison 60. I love The Doors, but ol' Jim just doesn't have the same legacy as Cobain. If it weren't for Nirvana's emergence, we'd probably still be listening to, uh, MC Hammer on the radio.
#8 Marmaduke 74, #9 Lassie 68. As far as I know, there has only been one Marmaduke. One Marmaduke or 8 Lassies, some of whom are boys. You tell me which one sounds more believable.
Well then! What are the matchups for next round?
#1 John Wayne vs. #8 Marmaduke.
#2 Winston Churchill vs. #7 Kurt Cobain.
#11 Tim Horton vs. #14 Vanilla Ice.
#4 Condoleeza Rice vs. #5 Achilles.
Shibby!
Posted by oz115 at March 22, 2006 04:12 PM