« February 2006 | Main | April 2006 »

March 29, 2006

Miscellaneous Region, second round

Now that I'm done stewing over that ridiculous laptop ban reaction, let's get back to Faux March Madness, shall we?

#1 John Wayne 88, #8 Marmaduke 65. U-G-L-Y. The Duke died more than 30 years ago, yet he is still a living legend. On the other hand, Marmaduke has been living off the same joke - he's a clumsy dog - for as long as I have been alive. Sure, one can say John Wayne played the same character in every movie, but that's doing him a disservice. Plus, cartoonists can put Marmaduke in any possible situation, yet somehow they never do.

#2 Winston Churchill 79, #7 Kurt Cobain 60. Kurt Cobain did all that swell stuff with Nirvana, but Churchill is one formidable mofo. For example, when the going got tough for Winston, he didn't, you know, kill himself.

#11 Tim Horton 72, #14 Vanilla Ice 64. Ice's Cinderella run comes to an end. Tim Horton's legacy is as a hockey player, charitable guy and donut entrepreneur. On the other hand, Vanilla Ice had to cop the bassline from his most famous song from David Bowie. Some accomplishment! You know MC Hammer is in trouble when Vanilla Ice is taking him to the cleaners.

#4 Condoleeza Rice 75, #5 Achilles 68. I did quite enjoy Achilles' work in the Trojan War, but that damn thing dragged on for ten years. Condi's only got two more years to make something happen, so she won't have to deal with that Iraq thing much longer. Also, Condi doesn't have ultra-lame superpower of being invincible except for her left ankle.

So there you go. The Miscellaneous Region sends four teams to the Swell Sixteen! The matchups are:

#1 John Wayne vs. #4 Condoleeza Rice
#2 Winston Churchill vs. #11 Tim Horton

Awesome stuff!

Posted at 11:21 PM | Comments (2)

Shenanigans!

Ah. So what these students are really trying to say is, "I need the laptop because I want to play Free Cell and chat on instant messenger during class."

Over the past week, dissent has been building in the student lounge, in hushed conversations in the library and halls, and in fervent debates over e-mail.

All because one professor at the University of Memphis law school banned the use of laptops in her class. Other professors are considering a ban.

...

Professor June Entman's decision hit first-year law school students abruptly, dampening their spirits just as spring break was beginning.

"Beginning on Tuesday, March 14, the use of laptop computers and other similar devices will not be allowed during Civil Procedure class sessions. Please be sure to bring with you ... paper and pen or pencil for taking notes," Entman's March 6 e-mail to her students read.

Entman said students were spending too much time typing notes on laptops, and not enough time listening and discussing.

"My main concern was they were focusing on trying to transcribe every word that was I saying, rather than thinking and analyzing," Entman said. "The computers interfere with making eye contact. You've got this picket fence between you and the students."

Pish-posh. If you ask me, the reason for the ban is simple: half the time, students aren't paying attention. I take my notes the old-fashioned way, with pen and paper. Sure, I get distracted every now and then. But with a computer, you have a virtual entertainment library at your disposal. When distraction hits you at the computer, you can very well end up on a ten-minute excursion to espn.com. When all you have is a blank piece of paper, you can't be distracted forever. Computers have the added bonus of allowing you to talk on instant messenger during class, further adding to the goof-off. Although I am sure laptops allow you to type much faster, I am not accepting the argument that that is their sole advantage. If a professor thinks it is reasonable to ban laptops in the classroom, I think it is that professor's prerogative. In fact, I had one of my professors ban laptops in his class last semester after he got pissed because all the people with laptops were surfing around the internet instead of paying attention.

Posted at 08:29 AM | Comments (1)

March 28, 2006

What's the hub-bub?

So I have heard left and right how great the hamburgers are at Moody's Pub. In fact, they've won several awards from Chicago newspapers and websites for having the best hamburger in the whole city. Citysearch just published a list of the best hamburgers in the city. Christy and I decided we would attempt to visit all of the locations on this list. Naturally, we decided we would see what the fuss was all about with this Moody's place first.

We moseyed on up to the Thorndale stop on the Red Line, and I must admit this is probably the first time I've ever really ventured that far north. 5900 North? Dizamn! We found Moody's, and sauntered in. (It was a very leisurely day.) Of course I wasn't going to wimp out and get chicken, so I ordered their cheeseburger which had made the place known both near and far.

Guess what? I was a little underwhelmed. It was nice and thick, but it didn't have a very interesting flavor. It tasted like the sort of hamburger I would cook on my grill. I didn't get good toppings - not even a tomato! The french fries likewise tasted like something I would make at home. To be sure, this was not what I had expected for something that gets hyped up as much as this Moody's Place. I am told it has an excellent beer garden. Maybe I will have to check back when the garden is open.

In my unofficial hamburger rankings, I don't even know if I will give Moody's a place on the list. Nevertheless, here is where things stand:

1. Boston Blackies. It is going to take a whale of an effort to unseat Blackies.

2. Irish Oak. I haven't been there in a long time, but I remember them having an exquisite cheeseburger.

3. Yak-Zie's. Mmmm-hmmm!

Posted at 02:53 PM | Comments (2)

Pop Culture Region, second round

Who from the Pop Culture Region will advance out of the second round, and become a member of the Swell Sixteen? Let's find out!

#1 Mel Gibson 76, #9 Jason Voorhees 60. Listen, you don't want to piss Mel Gibson off. I am actually a little afraid to let this guy lose. Think about his movies "Braveheart," "The Patriot," "Ransom," and "Papparazzi": all involved an aggrieved main character, who then goes on a destructive mission to avenge his loss. I mean, hell, even "The Passion" is about suffering. I don't want any part of this. Jason, for his part, first gained notoriety for his mother's crazy-ass murders in "Friday the 13th." But don't tell me Friday the 13th is better than Braveheart!

#10 Johnny Cash 82, #15 Richard Branson 77. Johnny Cash shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die. Richard Branson flies balloons, just to see how far they will go. I report, you decide. Actually... I decide.

#4 Steve McQueen 109, #5 Carson Daly 62. Last I heard, Carson Daly was running for the San Fernando Valley with his tail between his legs and a number of cigarettes extinguished on his backside.

#6 Ellen Degeneres 72, #3 Paris Hilton 64. Ellen Degeneres is entertaining in that she is actually amusing. Paris Hilton is amusing in the same way World's Wildest Police Videos is entertaining: you want to see a big, stinking accident.

Hot damn, friends! Two of the top seeds in the Pop Culture Region have failed to advance to the Swell Sixteen. Next round's matchups are:

#1 Mel Gibson vs. #4 Steve McQueen
#6 Ellen DeGeneres vs. #10 Johnny Cash

Posted at 02:32 PM | Comments (0)

March 27, 2006

Bad-ass

Holy schnikey! Look at this guy: he actually correctly picked the whole Final Four! That, friends, is clarevoyance. (Or however you spell that.)

As I'm sure I've said many times, the odds of correctly predicting the entire NCAA tournament bracket are 1 in 9,223,372,036,854,775,808. And even though that guy may have correctly picked all four of the last teams, he didn't correctly pick all the games. Nevertheless, that's still some purty good pickin' by that guy.

Also, cheers to my dear cousin who must certainly be enjoying herself in her freshman year at George Mason.

Posted at 10:14 PM | Comments (1)

Chicago region, second round

Hey, aren't you wondering what's shaking in the Faux March Madness tournament? Me too! Let's get the results from the second round of the Chicago region!

#1 John Paul Stevens 89, #9 William Ligue Jr. 66. JP doesn't f around. Ligue sure is funny looking, but what else is he contributing to society? Being famous for being on the Supreme Court actually trumps being in jail for beating up a coach.

#7 Kanye West 67, #15 Jeremy Piven 64. Kanye pulls out the narrow victory. Kanye is hot shit right now, and though I love Jeremy Piven, he's just not a hot property like Kanye.

#4 Red Line 77, #5 Dominick's 72. Sure Dominick's is cleaner and you can buy all kinds of stuff there, but the Red Line *is* Chicago. I believe that there is some rule that if your TV series or movie is set in Chicago, one of the characters must live by the L. (See "ER," "Backdraft.")

#14 Walter Payton 74, #6 Dr. Richard Kimble 65. Sweetness continues his romp, sending the Fugitive back into hiding. Kimble crusaded for his own innocence, while Payton ran the football for the greater glory of his teammates, and the Superfans.

So there you have it! There are four contestants left in the Chicago Region!

Next time we have these stellar matchups:

#1 John Paul Stevens vs. #4 Red Line
#7 Kanye West vs. #14 Walter Payton

Posted at 05:52 PM | Comments (0)

March 23, 2006

History Region, Second Round

Check it out, yo. It's the results from the second round of the History Region. Who will advance to the Swell Sixteen? Let's find out!

#1 Andrew Jackson 78, #9 Werner von Braun 65. Make no bones about it, AJ knows how to get stuff done. He casts aside the rocket scientist's meager challenge, sending him on his very own trail of tears. Need I mention the assassination attempt again?

#7 Queen Elizabeth 70, #2 Susan B. Anthony 64. Down goes the 2 seed! Queen E (the first, mind you), thumps Susan B. because she managed to rule England for decades while fending off numerous plots to remove a woman queen. As for Susan B., sure she started the whole women's suffrage movement, but it's not like they wouldn't have done that anyway!

#6 Blackbeard 78, #3 Ferdinand Magellan 77. Whoah, Blackbeard pulls out the narrow victory! Blackbeard wins because he is far more resilient than Ferdinand. Magellan conked out halfway through is voyage around the world, but Blackbeard wreaked havoc for years before he was finally felled by 5 bullets and 20 stab wounds. Yikes!

#4 Clarence Darrow 65, #5 Henry Clay 61. There ain't much one can say about this one. Henry Clay had some cajones, standing up for many unpopular stances in his day. But damn, Darrow would defend Satan if he asked him to.

So thus, the Swell Sixteen from the History Region will be narrowed down to the Esteemed Eight next time around! The match-ups for next round are:

#1 Andrew Jackson vs. #4 Clarence Darrow
#6 Blackbeard vs. #6 Queen Elizabeth

Check back tomorrow for more exciting results!

Posted at 06:12 PM | Comments (0)

I'm a mushroom cloud layin motherfucker

Oh damn, am I pissed. After class today I decided I'd go work out and then do some homework, and so I mosied over to the Bally's. After I was done, I discovered that I had lost my glasses. I looked all over the place. I asked around. I even looked at the front desk. Nowhere! I then figured I must have left them at school, because it is quite possible that I am oblivious enough to walk six blocks without realizing I wasn't wearing my glasses.

But before I tell you more about my glasses, I have noticed that in some of the lockers at Bally's, people have been sticking the plastic wrappers from DVD's on the walls. I'm talking about the bits that say the title that cover the box so you always have to peel them off to open the thing. Who is opening DVD's at the HEALTH CLUB? And who is opening so many of them that I notice the wrappers all over the place? It's not like you can watch Charlie and the Chocolate Factory while lifting 200 lbs over your head.

Anyhow, I walked back to school to look around there for my glasses, but once again they were nowhere to be found. I checked the library, I checked the classroom, I even checked all the bathrooms I was in today! So, I am presently walking around spectacle-less, and may have to resort to wearing my contact lenses which I don't like because they make my eyes itch.

Now, being pissed off like I was, I wanted some comfort food. Charley's Steakery immediately came to mind, because they are one of my favorite restaurants and I recently discovered an outlet located a brisk walk from school. AND, on Thursdays, they had 12-inch subs for $5! That's incredible! I walked over there, and don't you know it, the restaurant has CLOSED. This is as bad as the time the BD's Mongolian Barbecue near my apartment went out of business. Actually, I think that was worse. Oh how I love and miss you, BD's!

Not only am I blind, I can't even get the damn food I want. Instead, I had to resort to McDonald's, where the ketchup dispenser was broken. What's next? Maybe I'll come home and find out my building is being turned into condo's. (Actually, my dad having a heart attack would be worse.)

Posted at 03:46 PM | Comments (4)

March 22, 2006

Faux March Madness, Miscellaneous Region

Ah, the first round of Faux March Madness is about to wrap up. Who will advance in the Miscellaneous Region? Let's do it!

#1 John Wayne 84, #16 Jackie Chan 70. Jackie Chan may have tons of moves and famously does his own stunts, but John Wayne is like Duke. In fact, he *is* the Duke. And the Duke does not go down in the first round. Plus, John Wayne has the coolest block of cement outside the Chinese Theater in Hollywood. Look at that, it's his fist! What a guy!

#2 Winston Churchill 75, #15 Margaret Thatcher 68. Mrs. Thatcher gives Churchill a run for his money, but Churchill beats the pants off Madge in the end. His decisive leadership kept the Germans from invading Britain, and this is AFTER recovering from a disgraceful spell with the British Admiralty during WW1. A true man of steel.

#14 Vanilla Ice 77, #3 MC Hammer 60. Ooh, this one got ugly. Ice wins because although both of these guys are the very definition of washed-up rappers, Ice's hit "Ice Ice Baby" now has retro chic and even gets played on the radio every now and then. Hammer, don't hurt 'em.

#4 Condoleeza Rice 76, #13 Madeline Albright 74, OT. I'm not sure what Madeline Albright is up to nowadays, but now people want Condi to be commissioner of the NFL. If there's one thing more "boys only" than being Secretary of State, it's got to be the National Football League. (Unless you are a cheerleader who will shake your ta-ta's at the camera.)

#5 Achilles 70, #12 King David 66. Sure, David was in the Bible and all, but did Brad Pitt ever play him in a movie? And what does it say about me that this is my criteria? Actually, slaying Goliath was pretty cool, but he used the very wussy sling to accomplish his deed. On the other hand, Achilles killed his enemies in brutal hand-to-hand combat, and his stressbuster of choice was a concubine or, possibly, his cousin. Yeah boy!

#11 Tim Horton 80, #6 Stan Mikita 74. Tim Horton was one of the greatest defensemen in the history of the National Hockey League until his untimely death, and nowadays his name lives on with some fabulous donuts. Stan Mikita threw down an incredible 541 goals in the NHL, but his donut chain is only fictional, being Wayne Campbell's favorite hideout. Real trumps fake, I always say.

#7 Kurt Cobain 66, #10 Jim Morrison 60. I love The Doors, but ol' Jim just doesn't have the same legacy as Cobain. If it weren't for Nirvana's emergence, we'd probably still be listening to, uh, MC Hammer on the radio.

#8 Marmaduke 74, #9 Lassie 68. As far as I know, there has only been one Marmaduke. One Marmaduke or 8 Lassies, some of whom are boys. You tell me which one sounds more believable.

Well then! What are the matchups for next round?

#1 John Wayne vs. #8 Marmaduke.
#2 Winston Churchill vs. #7 Kurt Cobain.
#11 Tim Horton vs. #14 Vanilla Ice.
#4 Condoleeza Rice vs. #5 Achilles.

Shibby!

Posted at 04:12 PM | Comments (0)

March 21, 2006

Faux March Madness, Pop Culture Region

Faux March Madness rolls right along with the Pop Culture Region!

#1 Mel Gibson 74, #16 Tom Cruise 63. The Hollywood heavyweights are apparently both crazy, but Mel has the good fortune of being crazy for Jesus, which is a little more acceptable than being crazy for L. Ron Hubbard.

#15 Richard Branson 71, #2 Donald Trump 66. The Donald falls flat because he is an arrogant bastard, and may have well shot the ball into his own bet when he said he would date his own daughter if she wasn't his actual daughter. Branson, however, is one cool cat. I'd much rather have my billionaire rolling around in hot air balloons than spewing hot air.

#3 Paris Hilton 73, #14 Tara Reid 70. Both of these girls can be train wrecks, but no matter what idiotic thing she does or says, at least she has millions of dollars to fall back on. However, if Tara keeps spending her American Pie money on booze and other stuff, she's gonna wind up in Playboy sooner rather than later.

#4 Steve McQueen 88, #13 James Garner 71. Okay, I love James Garner. He's done some good flicks. But Steve McQueen rocks the joint. Whatever I said about Harrison Ford yesterday applies to Steve McQueen, but tripled.

#5 Carson Daly 66, #12 Jimmy Kimmel 62. Both their late night shows sucked, but The Man Show and TRL were both interesting during their time. It's no secret I think The Man Show is stupid, though. Plus, because I always fall asleep with NBC on the TV, Carson is subconsciously talking to me. Carson squeaks by.

#6 Ellen DeGeneres 72, #11 Martha Stewart 65. Martha is THE domestic diva, but Ellen DeGeneres is possibly one of the funniest people on TV. I am always in need of laughs more than I am in need of knowledge of how to peel an orange into a cool shape. Or something.

#10 Johnny Cash 68, #7 Ray Charles 59. Three words: It's Johnny Cash! Both had long and magnificent careers, and both could be pretty bad-ass. JC just has that extra edge that allows him to sneak by Ray Charles.

#9 Jason Voorhees 72, #8 Michael Myers 69. Horror flick mainstays do battle to the end, but Jason wins because nifty hockey mask scarred a generation of moviegoers. Myers, on the other hand, was just loony. (But I wouldn't wanna mess with either of 'em!)

So, for the next round, we have these exciting matchups:

#1 Mel Gibson vs. #9 Jason Voorhees.
#10 Johnny Cash vs. #15 Richard Branson.
#4 Steve McQueen vs. #5 Carson Daly.
#3 Paris Hilton vs. #6 Ellen DeGeneres.

Woah, it's getting crazy now! Check back tomorrow for the results of the Miscellaneous Region!

Posted at 11:51 AM | Comments (0)

March 20, 2006

Faux March Madness, Chicago Region

Now I'm sure all of you are wondering, "where the heck are the Faux March Madness results?" Sorry about that. I sort of spent the past weekend destroying my liver because it was St. Patrick's Day, and that's what I do. I hope you don't mind. First, let me add congratulations to the George Mason Patriots, who are in the Sweet Sixteen of that other March Madness going on. My dear cousin Erica is presently a freshman at George Mason, and I hear she is having quite the time with all this.

Now, as for the Chicago Region, boy on boy do we have some games for you!

#1 Justice John Paul Stevens 78, #16 Judge Richard Posner 60. Oh my. JP smokes Posner, mostly because Chicago native Stevens is on the Supreme Court, while Posner sits on the not-so-glamorous United States Court of Appeals for the Seventh Circuit. Posner loses points because his law/economics theory always pisses me off when I have to read his opinions, but super liberal Stevens fails to make it a complete blowout because strict conservative supremes like Scalia and Thomas mean JP is more than likely going to be stuck writing yet another dissenting opinion!

#15 Jeremy Piven 67, #2 Vince Vaughn 66. Wowza! We have an upset. Everyone loves Vince Vaughn, but that is exactly the problem. Double V needs to get out and play somebody other than Vince Vaughn, which is kinda what he's been doing since Old School. Plus, I'm pretty sick of hearing about Jennifer Aniston. Piven gets by on great fundamentals, and for managing to stick around in two of the great college comedies, the aformentioned Old School AND the highly underrated PCU.

#14 Walter Payton 77, #3 Michael Jordan 65. Yipes, another upset! A commenter argued that Sweetness should be far greater than a 14 seed, but I had to base that on the fact that Payton is a legendary Chicago Bear but not quite as idolized outside Bear-Land, but Jordan is one of the most famous athletes in the world. But Payton beats Jordan by living a classy, dignified and too-short life.

#4 Red Line 72, #13 Blue Line 66. What can I say? I detest the Blue Line. The doors on the trains open accordion-style, so if you are standing near one the door will pinch you when it opens. Plus, it goes to O'Hare and is filled with plenty of obnoxious travelers who take up one whole side of the car with their luggage.

#5 Dominick's 62, #12 Jewel-Osco 59. Dominick's wins because its stores are cleaner and have a far greater variety of ready-made food, plus when the afore-mentioned liver destruction led to a 2 am sushi run at Dominick's, not only did they have sushi but the cashier was friendly!

#6 Dr. Richard Kimble 75, #11 Dr. Doug Ross 68. I don't watch much ER, but to my knowledge Dr. Ross never got throwed in jail for killing his wife. But let me put it this way: one is Harrison Ford, the other is George Clooney. I love Clooney, but it's Harrison Ford. Game, set, match.

#7 Kanye West 74, #10 Billy Corgan 72. This was a tough one. Kanye is a pompous ass, and Billy Corgan is a tempermental mo-feek who disintegrates bands like most people go pee. But, this is Kanye's year and Billy Corgan hasn't done much except once again vow to reform the Smashing Pumpkins. Now that he's eliminated from the competition, Billy ought to have some more time to work on that.

#9 William Ligue, Jr. 88, #8 Steve Bartman 85 (OT). This was another really tough one. Bartman's immortality was sealed when the Cubs collapsed after his gaffe, but then excused himself from the public eye, acted dignified when he could have spontaneously combusted, and has slipped into some sort of normal life. William Ligue, however, keeps going. The shirtless Sox fan who attacked KC Royals coach Tom Gamboa with the aid of his shirtless son keeps breaking parole and is about to find himself back in the slammer. It may be hard to believe, but Ligue seems to have more staying power. Ligues also is much more comical in appearance than Bartman:

So there you have it. The second round in the Chicago Region features these interesting matches:

#1 Justice John Paul Stevens vs. #9 William Ligue, Jr.
#7 Kanye West vs. #15 Jeremy Piven.
#4 Red Line vs. #5 Dominick's.
#6 Dr. Richard Kimble vs. #14 Walter Payton.

Posted at 10:23 PM | Comments (2)

March 15, 2006

Greetings from the airport

Cool, yo. I'm currently at Port Columbus International Airport, awaiting my 9:50 pm flight to Chicago. We here at skool got spring break this week, so I used my time off to visit the peep's back in Ohio. As it turns out, this particular flight is the last of the day.

There was nobody in front of me in line at the checkin, and I was the solitary passenger at the security gate. I held a conversation with the security people, which usually only happens if they are about to stick me with a rubber glove. Now that I am at the gate, I get free wireless internet. Port Columbus, I love you!

Posted at 07:51 PM | Comments (3)

March 14, 2006

Fun with Craigslist

Sorry to break away from the exciting Faux March Madness action, but...

So the other day Christy and I were talking about how our friend Lauren does almost all her business on Craigslist, such as finding a roommate (no word on what she thinks about Blacks or Arabs though) or buying a coffee table. I then mentioned how I thought it would be funny to place a "missed connection" on there to see if she read those, but this quickly devolved into a discussion about why don't I put a missed connection for Christy? (I didn't because she doesn't read Craigslist, so why would I do that if she was never going to read it?)

Of course, today was the day she started reading Craigslist, and started reading "Missed Connections." I figured now would be a perfect time to write a missed connection to her, because I know she's reading it. But she is a quick one, and she beat me to the punch:

You have brown hair, and a heavy orange and black backpack. You have the bluest eyes I've ever seen. You are a tall drink of water. You had the most rosey, kissable cheeks I've ever seen. I saw you at Dunkin Donuts ordering a hot chocolate, and saw you were reading something from JMLS. I thought you were the sexiest man I've ever seen. I'd love to spend time with you. My family has a timeshare in Hawaii... let me know if you need a study break.

Aww, too sweet! Of course I need a study break. But what is this time share in Hawaii about?

Now, as some sort of crazy e-Valentine, I was compelled to compose my own missed connection:

You were the sales rep in the dentist's office at Diversey & Halsted. I was there to get my teeth cleaned, but you ended up stealing my heart. You were wearing black pants and a pink top, paired with a beautiful smile and the prettiest green eyes I ever did see. You were tall and gorgeous with short blonde hair in a ponytail, and you had an amazing set of legs that you can wrap around me any time you want. I think your name was Kristi, or was it Christy? Listening to your voice was like listening to a long-lost Mozart sonata. I'm sure every guy in the room was looking at you, but I felt a connection, and I think you did too when our eyes met ever so briefly. Please let me take you out for a pizza or an eggroll sometime!

Allright, I tried to be all nice, except for the whole wrap your legs around me thing, because really, I wouldn't be a guy unless I said something crass. (And at least it wasn't like, "I wanna f you in the ass," ya know?" Additionally, seeing as this was directed towards the lovely and talented Christy who knows how I am very difficult to tolerate, I could pretty much say whatever I wanted. So there.

But no, apparently this is not good enough. Apparently some of her fellow sales reps have a pretty high-minded attitude. "Oh no I only go to the Swiss Hotel!" Thus, not more than ten minutes after my posting appeared on Craigslist, this rather bitchy response came my way:

A few things:

1. Why do you think the vast majority of medical sales reps are hot, flirty, women in there 20's? It's because physicians and dentists go gaga over our looks. We're trained and paid to smile, make eye contact and generally encourage that feeling of connecting in clients. It's our job. Think you're special to us? Get in line.

2. You flatter her with a line like "your voice was like listening to a long-lost Mozart sonata". Good, nice, classy. But straight after you said "an amazing set of legs that you can wrap around me any time you want". After you've told her you see her as a sex object you think she is going to fall for the sonata line?

3. You want to take her out to a "pizza or eggroll"? Do you have any idea how much a medical rep earns? With at least four years of college and two years of pricey ivy league graduate school, you can just imagine what earning level we are at. Pizza or eggroll is like taking her to Burger King. She isn't going to be impressed with anything less than Japonais - and you better know the difference between Akami and Chutoro.

You can be sure that this woman is dedicated to her work, highly educated, highly ambitious and gets what she wants, when she wants it, on her terms. If she wanted you, she would have let you know. Unambiguously. Sorry to burst your bubble, but put this girl out of your mind.

Rrawr! Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed of nails, eh?

Now, I know I am not normally an angry guy, but this shit pisses me off! If I've got someone demanding Japonais and saying Chinese food is like taking a girl to Burger King (which I've yet to do, though Christy and I did enjoy a delightful trip to the White Castle by Midway the other day), that girl can take a long walk off a short pier. Now, on the other hand, we have a girl like Christy who is equally at home at the symphony or at Rose's. So what's my point? Christy is marvelous, and also: Little Miss I'm a Sales Rep So Rub My Feet And Be My Cabana Boy If I Should Stoop To Breath In Your Direction You Lower Species, eat my ass, and my regrets in advance to the poor (or rich?) schlub into whom you manage to sink your fangs!

Posted at 10:08 PM | Comments (0)

Faux March Madness, History Region

Fresh on the heels of yesterday's bracket unveiling, let's take a look at the results from the always-competitive History Region!

#1 Andrew Jackson 88, #16 Zachary Taylor 50. Ouch! Old Hickory puts a whooping on Old Rough and Ready. AJ was one major badass, carrying a bullet in his body from a duel during his youth. Additionally, he survived an assassination attempt where BOTH of the assassin's guns jammed, whereupon AJ beat the assailant with his cane. Damn! On the other hand, Zachary Taylor keeled over from cholera a year and a half into his presidency. Stick to fighting Mexicans, Zach.

#2 Susan B. Anthony 74, #15 Betsy Ross 61. Susan B's credentials were hurt by the disastrous silver dollar of hers, but really this is a mismatch. Anthony had a tremendous impact on women's rights, while Betsy Ross may or may not have sewn the first American flag. Psschaw!

#3 Ferdinand Magellan 72, #14 James Cook 65. Both these knuckleheads got whacked during their voyages. Cook discovered Hawaii and Tahiti, both tropical paradises. But to quote Jerry Seinfeld, Magellan sailed "Around the world. Come on!" That settles it for me.

#4 Clarence Darrow 82, #13 Johnnie Cochran 80, OT. Almost an upset, but Clarence Darrow emerges victorious. Cochran was by all means a superstar defense lawyer, but Darrow was the original! Cochran hangs around by virtue of getting an acquittal for OJ Simpson.

#5 Henry Clay 66, #12 William Jennings Bryan 59. In a battle of can't-win presidential candidates, Clay wins because he wasn't quite as nuts as Bryan, and because he uttered the ultimate "I can't win" statement: "I'd rather be right than be president." Sure you would, boss.

#6 Blackbeard 59, #11 Captain Kidd 54. Almost another upset! This time, Blackbeard wins because of his sheer brutality. It took 5 bullets and 20 stab wounds to fell Blackbeard, but Kidd had to be hanged twice after the first rope broke. Both pretty badass. But Blackbeard comes out the winner because he used to intimidate victims by tying pieces of paper to his beard and lighting them on fire. Shit!

#7 Queen Elizabeth 80, #10 Katherine the Great 68. Much like so-and-so was The Man, Queen Elizabeth was the Woman. She thrived where many a person would have crumpled, and as The Simpsons points out, she gave every aging English actress a role to play. Katherine was a great patron of the hearts, but you can't overlook that horse thing.

#9 Werner von Braun 77, #8 Robert Goddard 71. I don't know what to say. Goddard was one of the earliest rocket pioneers, but von Braun was the brains behind the American space program. Additionally, comical German accent was mined for great comedy in "The Right Stuff."

WVB: "I agree with those who say vee could send a jimp."
Lyndon Johnson: "A jimp? Well what the hell is a jimp?"
WVB: "A jimp, Senator! A jimpanzee. An ape, no?"
Ah... classic.

So then, after the first round of the History Region, we have these exciting matchups:
#1 Andrew Jackson vs. #9 Werner von Braun
#5 Henry Clay vs. #4 Clarence Darrow
#6 Blackbeard vs. #3 Ferdinand Magellan
#2 Susan B. Anthony vs. #7 Queen Elizabeth

Posted at 05:03 PM | Comments (3)

March 13, 2006

Faux March Madness 2006

Ah, doncha know, we hear at Squealer HQ finally put together the pairings for the 2006 edition of the Faux March Madness tournament! Can't you feel the excitement? Me too. Let's look at the match-ups, shall we?

History Region
#1 Andrew Jackson vs. #16 Zachary Taylor
#2 Susan B. Anthony vs. #15 Betsy Ross
#3 Ferdinand Magellan vs. #14 James Cook
#4 Clarence Darrow vs. #13 Johnnie Cochran
#5 Henry Clay vs. #12 William Jennings Bryan
#6 Blackbeard vs. #11 Captain Kidd
#7 Queen Elizabeth vs. #10 Catherine the Great
#8 Robert Goddard vs. #9 Werner von Braun

Chicago Region
#1 Justice John Paul Stevens vs. #16 Judge Richard Posner
#2 Vince Vaughn vs. #15 Jeremy Piven
#3 Michael Jordan #14 Walter Payton
#4 Red Line vs. #13 Blue Line
#5 Dominick's vs. #12 Jewel-Osco
#6 Dr. Richard Kimble vs. #11 Dr. Doug Ross
#7 Kanye West vs. #10 Billy Corgan
#8 Steve Bartman vs. #9 William Ligue, Jr.

Pop Culture Region
#1 Mel Gibson vs. #16 Tom Cruise
#2 Donald Trump vs. #15 Richard Branson
#3 Paris Hilton vs. #14 Tara Reid
#4 Steve McQueen vs. #13 James Garner
#5 Carson Daly vs. #12 Jimmy Kimmel
#6 Ellen DeGeneres vs. #11 Martha Stewart
#7 Ray Charles vs. #10 Johnny Cash
#8 Michael Myers vs. #9 Jason Voorhees

Miscellaneous Region
#1 John Wayne vs. #16 Jackie Chan
#2 Winston Churchill vs. #15 Margaret Thatcher
#3 MC Hammer vs. #14 Vanilla Ice
#4 Condeleeza Rice vs. #13 Madeline Albright
#5 Achilles vs. #12 King David
#6 Stan Mikita vs. #11 Tim Horton
#7 Kurt Cobain vs. #10 Jim Morrison
#8 Marmaduke vs. #9 Lassie

So there you have it! 64 contestants, but only one can be named the 2006 champion of the Faux March Madness tournament. Who will it be? Feel free to make your picks, but remember, no gambling. This is a family website.

Check back tomorrow for the first round of results!

Posted at 10:31 PM | Comments (1)

March 09, 2006

Faux March Madness

Holy schneikey, can you believe it's time for the Third Annual Southport Squealer Faux March Madness tournament? Me either!

Last year, Henry VIII was crowned champion.

In 2004, Ben Franklin walked home with the prize.

Who will it be this year? Check back soon for the brackets! Our four regions this year are the always popular History Region (which has produced both winners), the tough Chicago Region, the amazing Pop Culture region, and finally, to shake things up, we'll have a Miscellaneous Region! As always, please, no wagering.

Posted at 01:01 PM | Comments (1)

Come on!

This is one of the stranger pieces of news:

Red Bull is expanding its interest in soccer with a unique, yet logical, next step in a process that began less than a year ago: the MetroStars will take the field in the upcoming 2006 Major League Soccer season as Red Bull New York.

With that, the fall champion of the Austrian Bundesliga, Red Bull Salzburg, will become the first organization in the history of Austrian soccer to gain a sister team in the MLS - one of the most rapidly expanding leagues in the world.

Red Bull CEO Dietrich Mateschitz said, "18 million Americans actively play soccer in the USA. Up to 60 million are soccer fans. We were so fascinated by these figures that we made the decision to join and support this development by taking over the responsibility for the MetroStars. Our goal is to further strengthen the team and position the New York Red Bulls as the soccer metropolis of the East Coast, as well as to join the investment for a new tailor made soccer stadium - the "Red Bull Arena"- which will serve as the new home for the New York Red Bulls."

To briefly explain, I am a huge fan of Major League Soccer. Amazingly enough, the whole thing started ten years ago when my beloved Columbus Crew first took the field at Ohio Stadium. I am quite pleased that the league is still around, but I have to say I am flabberghasted that Red Bull is buying the hated MetroStars (formerly the New York/New Jersey MetroStars) and instantly renaming them the Red Bulls.

First off, I would think the name Red Bulls would be pretty cool, if I didn't know that it was because they were owned by the energy drink company. Red Bull is an interesting company. I don't have exact figures, but I once read that they increased their business by like one thousand percent over the past decade. And I'm thinking, why? I mean, who drinks Red Bull? The only time I ever touch the stuff is when it is mixed into a delightful and potent concoction called a jager bomb. I guess Britney Spears drinks the stuff, but enough people drink it to make it one of the fastest growing businesses on the planet?

But back to the New York Red Bulls. I say, cool. One of the biggest problems with Major League Soccer is that some of the teams have ridiculously cornball names. Columbus Crew is one of them. Sure, it's original, but it just makes me scratch my head. As a rule, I don't care for singular nicknames, like Orlando Magic, Minnesota Wild, or Utah Jazz. I think it sounds dumb. Needless to say, I was pretty cheesed off when MLS unveiled its original teams and nearly all of them were of the singular variety: Columbus Crew, Tampa Bay Mutiny, Kansas City Wiz, San Jose Clash, Los Angeles Galaxy, Dallas Burn, and New England Revolution. To muddle it up even more, Washington decided to call itself DC United, which is about as traditional a soccer name as one can get. And thankfully, many of the teams are moving to more traditional names. Dallas redubbed itself FC Dallas; Tampa got shitcanned; San Jose moved to Houston and renamed itself Houston 1836 (the year of the city's founding), until the Mexicans got angry because 1836 was also the year Texas won a war of secession against Mexico, and now they are Houston Dynamo; and expansion teams Real Salt Lake and Chivas USA were added. Yes, if you were going to give a team a name in Spanish, you would probably not do it with a team in SALT LAKE CITY, but the point is it's not a ridiculous name like the Macon Whoopee.

Anyway, I guess I don't mind New York becoming the Red Bulls. I can tolerate that one. I wonder if they'll have free jager bomb night?

Posted at 10:04 AM | Comments (0)

March 07, 2006

I'm turning into a lawyer

Totally. I was playing that damn Kitten Cannon game, when I saw an ad that says "Get a free iPod." It goes without saying that such an offer is clearly loaded with lots of hassles and other unsavory things, and this is no different. In order to get an iPod, it appears I have to sign up for several credit cards and a few other things, then wait two months for the promotion company to verify I did all that, and then wait another two months for the iPod. Meanwhile, I have to keep all the things I signed up for until that time, or risk cancellation of the agreement. Jeepers!

Of course, I thought it would be fun to read the terms of the agreement. Surprisingly, the terms are actually fairly well balanced.

My favorite is the forum selection clause, which states that in the event of a dispute, I agree to have the case heard in the District Court for the Northern District of California or a state court in that District, and be subject to the jurisdiction of that court. (Which I am quickly finding out is a very big deal in this day and age.) So, at least these people have some good lawyers, because if they didn't have that clause they could theoretically have gotten themselves sued anywhere from Alaska to Florida. I don't know what's more pitiful, that I went to look at the agreement, or that I actually thought something from Civil Procedure was cool.

In other law student related news, I totally called it when I read about the Supreme Court's latest decision, which said that Congress was allowed to withhold federal funds from law schools who try to keep military recruiters off campus. The Supreme Court says it is perfectly constitutional for Congress to attach conditions to the receipt of federal funds. In this case, Congress said schools have to allow military recruiters on campus. If they don't want to, they can't get federal funds, and that's their choice. Now, I always thought that was a shady way of getting somebody to comply, because although in a perfect world a university could tell Congress to shove the federal money up its ass, most places need that money to keep running and have little practical choice but to accept the conditions. In fact, that is the exact same method Congress used to get states to raise their minimum drinking age to 21.

Posted at 10:58 PM | Comments (1)

March 06, 2006

Touch 'em all

Kirby Puckett was one in a million, and one of the classiest ballplayers in a time when classlessness was the norm. Though I never did cheer for the Minnesota Twins, I always cheered for Kirby, who was a constant reminder of the sheer joy sports should bring to life.

Rest in peace, Kirby.

Posted at 09:41 PM | Comments (3)

Some common sense

Nobody's ever going to mistake the Flyer News for the New Yorker, but this editorial makes absolutely no sense at all. I mean, literally. What is this letter asking for? And it took two people to write this?

This is America, and men need to act more like John Wayne. Walk across campus and you’ll see nothing but pink shirts and wine coolers. Oh, the days when a man could wrestle stray dogs in a bathhouse without fear of prosecution.

In order to amend these social ills, the following changes must be implemented immediately. We must promote masculinity, protect animal rights, improve the future and promote a healthy America.

We must preserve and respect the masculinity of all males on campus and the legacy of John Wayne. First, tennis shoes are for ninnies. From now on, all good and proper men shall wear cowboy boots measuring 7 inches or above. If boots are not available, bare feet will do.

Second, in the presence of females, the cologne of choice MUST be BRUT. The scents of raccoon urine and pine trees entwine to give the general impression that you are both masculine and fertile.

Finally, a real man goes to the health center as little as possible. Rather than being swabbed, groped and generally violated, one shall self-medicate by consuming a healthy amount of whole-grade D milk and bamboo shoots.

Posted at 12:56 PM | Comments (0)

If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere

The big city lights are always tempting:

Rudat is one of 10 competitors who sang Wednesday in LancaStar, a talent contest sponsored by Glass City BBQ. The winner of the contest will receive three hours of recording time in a studio in Columbus, a Fender guitar from The Signature Music Co. in Lancaster and $1,000.

"I just wanted to try it," Rudat said before singing "What's Up" by 4 Non Blondes.

The competition lasts five weeks. Each Wednesday night the crowd at Glass City BBQ and two judges will decide which contestants compete the following week, and which ones go home empty handed.

Posted at 12:41 PM | Comments (0)

March 02, 2006

Death be not proud

My iPod died today! It couldn't come at a worse time, either. First, being unemployed and in law school, I have little in the way of disposable income. But mind you, the income I do have - I dispose of it, know what I'm saying?

It also sucks because I think it is about time to get a new mobile phone. The one I have sucks ass, because it gets poor reception, the buttons aren't intuitive, and half the time you never hear it ring. I've been wanting to get rid of the thing for a year, and now that I think I am finally eligible to get a new phone, my iPod breaks! Mothafucka!

Now, not to sound like a whiny-ass mama's boy, but I need that iPod. It gives me something to do when I work out, and it's one of my only ways to listen to all the new CD's I buy because I barely drive anywhere nowadays. So, I suppose I will hunt up a new iPod somewhere, and get things rolling again. And as for my new cell phone? Helllooooo free crappy phone. Just kidding. I'm a boy, and I love my gadgets. I will find a way to get what I want!

Posted at 10:59 PM | Comments (2)

The man upstairs

Did anyone else catch this? Jon Voight was photographed in Poland at the premiere of his Pope John Paul II movie wearing, yes, a Buffalo Bills jacket. Is Voight trying to curry favor with the man upstairs, and if so, is it for the benefit of the Buffalo Bills? The Bills sure could use all the help they can get.

The question is, is Jon Voight a Bills fan? Because if he is, that means maybe his daughter Angelina Jolie is a Bills fan, and maybe she'll make her boytoy Brad Pitt a Bills fan. It'd be nice to have something in common with Brad Pitt. I did some research, and as it turns out, Voight starred in a TV movie as coach of the Bills. Maybe he picked up the jacket then? But I would also think a guy with Jon Voight's bank can buy any jacket he wants. Anyway, Jon Voight, if you're a Bills fan, please try and get the Hollywood elite behind the team. Barring that, see if God is willing to do you any favors 'cause of this Pope movie. Thanks.

Posted at 05:31 PM | Comments (1)

Not playing with a full deck

This is the kind of thing that would probably happen to me:

SANTA ANA, Calif. - A renowned psychiatrist lost up to $3 million over 10 years to a Nigerian Internet scam, his son alleges in a lawsuit.

Dr. Louis A. Gottschalk, an 89-year-old neuroscientist who works at the University of California, Irvine medical plaza that bears his name, acknowledged losing $900,000 to "some bad investments," according to court papers.

Guy Gottschalk filed a lawsuit last month asking a judge to remove his father as administrator of the family's $8 million partnership. He alleges his father destroyed bank records to cover up his losses.

That old Nigerian scam never gets old, does it?

Posted at 11:55 AM | Comments (0)

March 01, 2006

I think I see my dad

I had occasion yesterday to go to the Sears Tower. Now, Christy says I am a bumbling country boy, but I challenge anyone to go near that building and not be dumbfounded. That thing is freaking tall! And that strange asymmetrical shape of it is quite breathtaking.

First I had to go there to get some forms notarized. I have to pass this background check thing so that they can make me a lawyer, and the forms have to be notarized. I will tell you I know not the first thing about getting a form notarized. Luckily I read somewhere that banks usually keep a notary on hand, so I mosied over to the 5/3 Bank close to school. (I went there because, well, 5/3 is my bank!) The helpful fellow there told me they had a notary at the 5/3 branch over at the Sears Tower. Thus, I loped on over to the Sears Tower and had a very nice guy named Wayne notarize my forms.

Because the forms had to be postmarked by Feb. 28, I then had to mail all this stuff. Don't ya know, the Sears Tower also has its very own Post Office? Does anyone know if the Sears Tower has its own ZIP code , too?

Anyway, I mailed my forms, and about this time, it was time for lunch. Dontcha know, the Sears Tower also has a food court? So I ate my fill of food at the food court, and then mosied on back to school.

The Sears Tower quite impressed me. You could do anything there! I am pretty sure I also saw a supermarket in there. This leads me to conclude that if one was evasive enough, a person could live his entire life in the Sears Tower. There's everything you need! Except money - you'd have to find a way to get money. But supposing you had a magically replenishing bank account, a person could live his entire life without having to leave the Sears Tower. Well... until you get sick. Because the Sears Tower doesn't appear to have a hospital, you will have to leave the Sears Tower for treatment. Because if you don't, you will cease living in the Sears Tower, if you catch my drift.

Posted at 04:50 PM | Comments (2)