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April 27, 2006
Mister Nice Guy
I wouldn't say I'm the most helpful person in the world, but I'll try and help someone out every now and then. So it was, I'm getting off the elevated train at my usual stop when I see an older lady trying to go down the stairs while carrying a rather large suitcase.
Perfect time for me to help! says I, because anyone who helps little old ladies with stuff must be a quality human being. I ask her if she needs help with her bag, and she says yes, so I start carrying the bag down the steps. Then I had the wickedest idea: maybe it would be funny if after we get down the steps, I jam the screwy one-way rotating door thingy so she can't get out, and I take off with her bag - like they do in all the movies where the country bumpkin makes his first trip to the big city. (I know there are other examples, but the only one I can remember is "The Freshman.")
But then I thought, If I did that, I'd only confirm the worst stereotypes about people who are trying to be helpful. Additionally, I'm already lugging my own backpack and a bottle of water, and she would probably be able to catch me, or have somebody kick the shit out of me, or mace me. Instead I decided to give her back her bag when I got to the bottom. It was probably the right move.
[Side note: it took me 20 minutes to find a picture of one of those doors. Know why? It's called a turnstile, not a door. F me. But guess what else? In Chicago, it's called a rotogate. A rotogate? What the heck is that?]
Posted at 03:11 PM | Comments (2)
Bad place for a typo
I really hope this is a typo, but you can never be sure sometimes:
School are the pride of our town
Because of the high volume of election letters, the Eagle-Gazette is running the final group of election letters today.
To the Editor:
If Fairfield Union residents do not take advantage of the opportunity to receive state grant money, we will have killed the goose that would have been laying the golden eggs of our future.
Bremen is currently involved in a revitalization project, and we are slowly seeing some of the fruits of our labors. Modern, up-to-date schools are an integral part of any successful program of this type. If we are to attract young productive families into our area, we must provide safe and modern facilities for our children's education. The pride of our Bremen community starts with our school.
There are many areas that we can attack in an attempt to control rising living expenses. But our children should not be one of them. The education of our children is a true investment in our future that will pay back limitless dividends.
Posted at 09:46 AM | Comments (0)
April 25, 2006
Not to start a fight or anything...
...But Zorn says what I've been saying for years. Macs ain't that easy!
As a person who since the age of 12 has spent a goodly amount of time with computers, I have to agree that sometimes trying to use a Macintosh is about the most frustrating thing ever. Back when I had a job, half my day was spent trying to figure out how to get a Macintosh to do something I could get a Windows computer to do in 30 seconds. Obviously this is because I never really used Macs until I started working, but it seemed that even when I wanted to do something really simple, I was dumbfounded.
I once spent a half hour trying to get a CD to eject from the disk drive. When I pressed the eject button on the CD drive, nothing happened. I tried clicking on the drive's icon on the screen, hoping it would give a menu of options. Nada. Know what I had to do? Put the disk icon in the garbage can. Duh! Do you have any idea how silly that seemed to me? If you put something in the garbage can, you want to ERASE it! Oh that burns, I tell you.
Even now, with my iPod, I get extremely frustrated with Apple's cutesiness. For example, the iPod designers thought it would be extremely nifty to make it where if your headphone wires got loose, the playback on the iPod would pause. Allright in theory, but what if I am scooting along, and my wire gets a little loose? Now I have to take the iPod off my pants (where I affix them when exercising) or out of my pocket, take it out of its protective case, and hit play again. I can't even turn the stupid feature off. Not cool, Apple. Not cool.
Now, I know many people swear by Apples, which is fine. But I am not one of them, and no matter how slick they look, I think I am going to stick to my Windows, crazy-ass crashes and all.
Posted at 09:35 PM | Comments (4)
April 24, 2006
The Final Game
After a very long, extremely drawn-out tournament, the 2006 Southport Squealer Faux March Madness is down to its very last matchup. We have whittled the list from 64 to 32; from 32 to 16; from 16 to 8, until there are only two: Queen Elizabeth and Steve McQueen. Who did these intense competitors knock out on their way to the final?
Queen Elizabeth started out as the 7th seed in the History Region. She dispatched Katherine the Great in the first round, then upset #2 seed Susan B. Anthony in the second round. The Queen then had no problem with Blackbeard in the Swell Sixteen. Top-seeded Andrew Jackson took her to overtime in the Esteemed Eight, but she was able to outlast Old Hickory. Finally, she earned the ire of sports fans everywhere by ending Walter Payton's cinderella run in the Penultimate Four.
On the other hand, Steve McQueen recieved the 4th seed in the Pop Culture region. He won an easy victory over James Garner in the opening round, and the Health Department is still gathering Carson Daly's remains after he met McQueen in the second round. McQueen then took care of top-seeded Mel Gibson in the Swell Sixteen, and met his toughest challenge yet in the Esteemed Eight: Johnny Cash. But McQueen narrowly escaped defeat at the hands of the Man in Black, and he used that momentum to dispatch the heavily-favored Winston Churchill in the Penultimate Four.
And that is how the contestants stand now. Who will be the victor in '06? Let's find out!
Sex Appeal
QE reputedly used her femine wiles to make her point with the noblemen of England, but McQueen oozed raw sexuality. (Or, uh, at least that's what women say.) That's a point for McQueen.
Historical Impact
Elizabeth's impact on history is well-known, and if anything, McQueen's place in history is yet to be known, though one would hypothesize that a movie actor may not be as significant as a powerful Queen. Point for QE.
Pop Culture Impact
According to The Simpsons, QE's most significant impact is that she forever has given a role for older English actresses to play. In fact, she has been the subject of or a character in quite a few recent movies. McQueen is showing up posthumously in car commercials, and his famous stuntwork has served as a template for any chase scene worth its salt. (You tell me YOU could jump a motorcycle over a barb-wired fence.) However, prospects dampened by awful Sheryl Crow song called "Steve McQueen." Nevertheless, point for McQueen.
Fashion Sense
QE: Sickingly tight corsets and giant hair that would make an 80's Oprah proud;
McQueen: Leather jacket. Point for McQueen.
Intangibles
QE: Member of a royal dynasty, impact still felt in English world.
McQueen: Making a comeback, helping define classic cool. Another point for McQueen.
Final Result: McQueen wins! In a truly fantastic run, Steve McQueen upends Queen Elizabeth and takes home the crown as the winner of this year's Faux March Madness tournament. What a great performance by McQueen, and a great performance by runner-up Queen Elizabeth.
This is a significant change for the tournament, as both previous winners came out of the History Region. He joins the ranks of the truly great.
Let's look again, shall we, at the previous champions.
2006: Steve McQueen (runner-up Queen Elizabeth I)
2005: Henry VIII (runner-up Phil Jackson)
2004: Ben Franklin (runner-up Marv Levy)
Posted at 11:37 AM | Comments (1)
April 21, 2006
The Penultimate Four results
Can't you feel the anticipation? Who will advance to the Faux March Madness final game? Let's find out!
Steve McQueen v. Winston Churchill: Man oh man, is this one tough! McQueen and Churchill both loved a good smoke, but Churchill's habit didn't knock him off like McQueen's did. Churchill lived to be 90, but McQueen checked out at age 50. Churchill, of course, also had an acerbic wit. Supposedly, when Lady Nancy Astor told Churchill that if she was her husband, he'd poison his tea, Churchill said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it." That is a world-class snap right there. McQueen has a rejoinder, however: "When a horse learns to buy martinis, I'll learn to like horses."
Churchill accomplished quite a bit in his life, but dammit, he is not "The King of Cool."
Final score: Steve McQueen 67, Winston Churchill 60.
Queen Elizabeth v. Walter Payton. Payton has a good run, but it has to end here. Sure, Payton is the hero to the entire city of Chicago, but one has to wonder what the world would be like if Queen Elizabeth hadn't been around to smooth things over. I mean, shoot, there's that whole Spanish Armada thing, for example. Walter Payton just can't go any further!
Final score: Queen Elizabeth 73, Walter Payton 69.
So there you have it: the final matchup will pit Steve McQueen v. Queen Elizabeth. Who is going to win this one? The world wonders!
Posted at 07:57 PM | Comments (2)
April 19, 2006
The Penultimate Four
Bow to my photoshopping skills. These are the Penultimate Four matchups!
Posted at 07:20 PM | Comments (1)
Faux March Madness, The Esteemed Eight
Let's move it along, shall we? The winners of today's contests will be the winners of their brackets, and as such will be the representatives in the world famous Penultimate Four. And everyone knows you don't get to the Penultimate Four by sheer luck, either. Let's take a look at the results!
History Region: #2 Queen Elizabeth I 87, #1 Andrew Jackson 82, OT. AJ finally met his match. The 7th president reigned a paltry 8 years compared to the stupendous 45 year reign of Elizabeth I. The Virgin Queen's rule led to an enlightenment of arts and sciences, while Jackson created patronage and inspired a pretty cool Paul Revere and The Raiders song.
Chicago Region: #14 Walter Payton 75, #1 John Paul Stevens 72. I know, I know, a Supreme Court justice ought to get a little more respect than this. But I just report the results to you, and all's I know is, half of you are probably thinking, "who the hell is John Paul Stevens?" That just can't carry you into the Penultimate Four these days.
Pop Culture Region: Steve McQueen 72, Johnny Cash 71. This was a really tough one, but I think it boils down to that great creator of coolness: dying young. Johnny Cash lived hard and lived long enough to warn us all about it, but McQueen barely made it to 50. Also earns extra points for making "McQueen" sound like a really, really bad-ass name.
Misc. Region: Winston Churchill 79, John Wayne 70. John Wayne is great and everything, but this is Winston F'ing Churchill. If it weren't for his steadfast leadership, England may well have been invaded by those damn Nazi's. John Wayne's contribution to the war effort? Sands of Iwo Jima was pretty good...
Posted at 07:06 PM | Comments (1)
Faux March Madness, Swell Sixteen
Okay, I've had enough of dicking around. Let's figure out this Faux March Madness thing once and for all!
Let's take a look at the results from the Swell Sixteen. The winners, of course, advance on to the Esteemed Eight.
History Region
#1 Andrew Jackson 72, #4 Clarence Darrow 66. AJ didn't take any shit from the British, you think he's gonna let a defense attorney get the best of him?
#7 Queen Elizabeth 68, #6 Blackbeard 60. The salty dog meets his maker.
Chicago Region
#1 John Paul Stevens 82, #4 Red Line 69. As far as I know, John Paul Stevens does not get vomited on every day, nor does he smell like piss.
#14 Walter Payton 77, #7 Kanye West 63. Kanye may be a better dresser, but Payton is far classier.
Pop Culture Region
#4 Steve McQueen 75, #1 Mel Gibson 72. Braveheart himself can't stop a guy as cool as Steve McQueen. Know how cool Steve McQueen is? He doesn't even care that he is in this tournament.
#10 Johnny Cash 79, #6 Ellen Degeneres 75. She has a good run, but the Man In Black is on fire.
Miscellaneous Region
#1 John Wayne 79, #4 Condoleeza Rice 66. Condi may have like some all-powerful job and stuff, but I bet you John Wayne is as great an American ambassador as they come.
#2 Winston Churchill 82, #11 Tim Horton 74. Winston is a tough mofo. Even tougher than Tim Horton!
Thus, we have these interesting matchups in the Esteemed Eight!
Andrew Jackson vs. Queen Elizabeth I
John Paul Stevens vs. Walter Payton
Steve McQueen vs. Johnny Cash
John Wayne vs. Winston Churchill
Amazingly enough, 3 of the 4 number one seeds have made it this far, all except Mel Gibson, who I think you might say was a bit overrated. Check back soon to see who will be in the Penultimate Four!
Posted at 02:16 PM | Comments (0)
April 06, 2006
I'm not dead
Hey everyone. Sorry about the absence, things have been a bit cuckoo 'round here. I won't bore you with the details, but I feel like I'm getting back on track. So how 'bout that Faux March Madness? I bet you'd like to find out who won, wouldn't you? I'll try and get that figured out soon enough, because I know everyone is just DYING to know.
But a few things:
1. I've been getting quite a bit of comment spam lately. That's why I have the comments on here subject to approval, because if some schmuck tries to spam me, I can just delete his sorry ass. But I got a funny one the other day, combining one of the things I love with one of the things I hate: it was apparently a link to Chipotle, but the spam link directed itself through a webpage belonging to the one, the only, University of Dayton. My alma mater! It's a well-known fact I hate Chipotle, so how did the spammer know how to get me so deeply? It's amazing. You can see the offensive spam if you look at this entry. (I approved it because I thought it was too darn funny. I can't vouch for where the link goes, because I never clicked on it. So buyer beware on that one.)
2. I was poking around Gaper's Block today, and came across an old "Fuel" entry where people were asked to name their favorite non-expletive swears. My favorite such terms are "oh fiddlesticks," "fudge," "son of a mother," "mother of pearl," and "jay-sus," which is probably really a swear because it's just my impression of Kieran from The Galway Bay saying "Jesus." I guess I also like "nuts to that" and "f that," but that usually ends up coming out as me saying "f that shit," which is actually a swear so it doesn't count. But some of the ones I read in here that I really liked were, "jackhole," (huh?) "holy balls!" "Jesus Christ tomatoes," and the sorta silly "oh crumb."
So yeah. That's what I've been doing. What's your favorite non-profane swear? And to spice it up, what's your favorite regular swear? Mine are "motherfucker," "shit on a stick" and "fucking-A."
Posted at 11:42 PM | Comments (4)