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September 28, 2006

An interesting story

I have to say, I was quite interested to hear about the death of Iva Toguri, who was convicted of broadcasting propaganda for Japan during World War 2. After serving a prison sentence, then being pardoned, she worked at a shop with her father right at Clark & Belmont, which I walk by on occasion. If I'd known who owned and worked at that place, I would have stopped in! Here's the Tribune story, the BBC story, and the Wikipedia entry. Also, here's a story about her death that's used to take a snipe at the NY Times. [I've read the book mentioned in that story, and I don't recall anything like what this guy reports. But why would he make it up? I'll have to look again!] Finally, here's one more story from a conservative site that takes a more positive view.

Everything I've read about propaganda broadcasts during WW2 suggests they never demoralized American soldiers, and in fact many American soldiers listened to them simply because they played excellent music.

See, e.g., Ernie Pyle, Brave Men 258 (2001). That's right, I put a citation in my blog. Boo yeah!

Posted by oz115 at 09:19 PM | Comments (0)

No thank you

This is the woman who holds the record for world's longest fingernails:

All I have to ask is, why? Why would anyone grown anything so long? I'm talking long hair and long beards. But the sickest thing has to be long fingernails. It boggles my mind. For whatever reason, I am fanatical about clipping my fingernails. I hate long fingernails. They bug me, and if they break you are in for some pain.

I definitely have a lot of contempt for people with those fake press-on nails. I mostly notice them when I go to Walgreen's and the cashier is punching in stuff at the register with her giant nails, and can't get it right because her giant nails keep slipping on the keyboard. I am pretty sure if I saw somebody with 24 foot fingernails, I would pass out from fright right then and there. No foolin'.

Posted by oz115 at 05:46 PM | Comments (1)

September 27, 2006

Target-rich environment

Something's been bugging me lately. I'm talking about the ending of Top Gun, when Maverick and Iceman are dogfighting the MIG's. Iceman has a Russian fighter plane with a radar lock or something on him, and Maverick pulls some wacky move where he tells Iceman to break right at the count of three.

According to this transcript I found, Maverick says this: "On the count of three, break hard right." Then Iceman nods his approval or something, and Maverick says this: "Three... two... one... break right!" Iceman obliges, and Maverick shoots down the Russian.

Everytime I see this, I am confused as all heck. Why does he start at three? I can't think of ANYBODY who does that. When somebody tells me on the count of three, I always think it means go at three. But here's Mav counting down from three, so that you are supposed to go after one. It makes no sense to me. If I'm Iceman, I would have gone right when he said three. Is this the way they do it in the Navy? It boggles my mind.

Here's an obligatory Tom Cruise picture:

Posted by oz115 at 10:16 PM | Comments (2)

Greatly exagerrated

I reported yesterday that my rendition of Itsy Bitsy Teensie Weensie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini last Friday was so bad that it offed the man who wrote it. It turns out that the fellow who died was an impostor, and the true writer is alive and well and a little perturbed:

The man who co-wrote the song "Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini" had the unsettling experience this week of reading his own obituary — the result of an impostor who went through life claiming to be the author of the 1960s smash hit.

On Tuesday, The Associated Press reported on the death of a 68-year-old man named Paul Van Valkenburgh of Ormond Beach, Fla., who claimed to have written the song under the name Paul Vance. The story cited the man's wife as the source for that claim.

But the music industry's real Paul Vance, a 76-year-old man from Coral Springs, Fla., is alive and well, and says the other Paul Vance appears to have made the whole thing up.

The Paul Vance who wrote the songs — and provided proof with royalty payments he is still receiving for the hit — said he has been inundated with calls from people who think he died. An owner of racehorses, Vance said two of his horses were scratched from races Wednesday because people thought he had died.

After the awful news that my singing had killed a guy, I have to tell you this is a great load off my shoulders.

Posted by oz115 at 03:35 PM | Comments (0)

September 26, 2006

I can't believe what I did

Last Friday, Christy, our friend Lindsey and I drove to Cleveland. We spent most of our night at Corky's, where we owned the karaoke stage. Our friends in Cleveland have started playing a devious game wherein they enter karaoke songs for each other without telling them what it is. So, one would get called up to sing without knowing what will come up on the karaoke monitor.

I fell victim to this, and was forced to sing "Yellow Polka Dot Bikini." My terrible, horrible, no good very bad rendition must have reverberated throughout the country, because the fellow who wrote it croaked. Way to go, Christy!

Songwriter Paul Vance, who earned pop culture immortality with the 1960 smash about a bashful bather, "Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini," has died. He was 68.

The New Milford-raised Vance, whose real name was Paul Van Valkenburgh, died Sept. 6 at his home in Ormond Beach, Fla., said his wife of 32 years, Rose Leroux. He had been battling lung cancer for two years.

Posted by oz115 at 09:47 PM | Comments (1)

Utter confusion

Every now and then, I'll be looking at the sports page or something and I'll see a college football score and say to myself, "Who the hell are those guys?" Usually it's some inky dink school, like Siena or Nicholls State or some place like that. Usually I forget about this within a few seconds, but then I noticed that "Troy State" kept popping up in the newspaper, and I realized I had no idea where Troy State was.

Christy, meanwhile, used to live in Troy, Michigan. I figured if anybody would know where Troy State is, a girl who lived in a place called Troy would know. She never heard of it. We then concluded that maybe it was in Troy, New York. But alas, we were wrong. It's actually in Troy, Alabama! Shows what I know!

Posted by oz115 at 10:06 AM | Comments (2)

Doing his part

Science teacher Gary Weddle has a most peculiar way of showing his support for the war on terror:

After the September 11 terrorist attacks, Gary Weddle followed the news so closely he forgot to shave. After a week he decided not to shave until Osama bin Laden was caught or killed.

Nor has Weddle, 46, who expected the al Qaeda leader to be caught within a month or so, trimmed his facial hair in the succeeding five years as he went from substitute teacher to science instructor at Ephrata Middle School.

At the start of each school year he gives students a brief explanation of his beard, which stretches more than a foot and has started turning gray.

On the other hand, I don't shave because I'm lazy.

Posted by oz115 at 10:03 AM | Comments (0)

September 25, 2006

Welcome to the 20th century

I'm not entirely sure what took this school so long to come up with this idea, or exactly why it's novel:

A university that has been searching for more effective ways to get out student information is taking their message to the toilets.

Palm Beach Atlantic University's blue newsletters, called Stall Talk, now hang above urinals and on stall doors in most campus restrooms.

Administrators at the Christian-based school said e-mails, posters and campus bulletin boards were just too easy to ignore.

Among the headlines in this month's issue: "Getting Along with your Roommate," "Top 5 Places to Eat Off-campus" and "Top 10 Reasons to Consider Joining Campus Recreation Activities."

Being the gentleman that I am, I've never set foot in a ladies' room, so I can't say for certainity what goes on there. But I can say for sure that at least 50% of bars/restaurants put the sports page in front of the urinal (because nobody wants to read the Metro section when peeing, I guess.) If there's not a newspaper on the wall, there's an advertisement. So it's not exactly a crazy idea to put the student newsletter in the bathroom.

Nevertheless, I have to wonder how successful this will be. I don't know about you, but if I am going to spend some quality time in the bathroom, I am bringing some reading material with me. Back in the day when I was gainfully employed, If I had the misfortune to need to use the bathroom at work for something other than peeing, I did one of two things: I borrowed a magazine out of the lounge/kitchen, or I printed some interesting newspaper articles off the internet. I preferred the latter because I could read something interesting, and then I didn't have to be seen walking out of the men's room with a six-month old copy of People magazine. If my habits are like anybody else's, I would suspect that nobody is going to read the stall newspaper because they already have their own reading material.

Maybe I am overanalyzing this as well, but isn't a newsletter taped to the door of the stall too far away to read when sitting on a toilet? I try to avoid sitting in public bathroom stalls as much as possible, but in my experience the door is too far away to read something in anything but large type.

Posted by oz115 at 09:43 PM | Comments (0)

A cheap burglary deterrent

They're remodeling the ol' Biograph Theater, and since my favorite study spot Clarkes is right next door, I walk by the construction site on a regular basis. They have this sign posted in one of the windows, and I giggle whenever I see it:

I find it hard to believe they have a vicious, murderous dog running around behind that door. I think with the sheer amount of people going in and out of the theater, it would be impossible to control the dog, let alone keep the dog from attacking everyone. The dog would bite some helpless schmuck who is carrying a pile of two-by-fours, and then eventually the cops would show up and they'd shoot the dog. Futhermore, I have never heard this dog barking. I think the dog's presence is a myth.

Instead, I think the construction people thought they'd put this sign up in an effort to scare people away from the site. It's a whole lot cheaper to trick people into thinking there is a dog there instead of actually having one. I also think it's funny the way "guard dog" is in italics, as if to really emphasize the point that you're going to get eaten if you open the door.

Posted by oz115 at 12:09 AM | Comments (0)

September 24, 2006

Worst record cover ever

I was walking down Clark Street the other night when I passed one of the many record stores that line the street. These places usually have dozens of old records in the windows to entice passers by. This one caught my eye:

This is "Push Push" by jazz flutist Herbie Mann. It really is quite tacky. Supposedly this is a good jazz record, but I am not much of a jazz afficionado so I can't speak to that. What I can tell you, however, is that others have noticed the horribleness of this cover, including Pitchfork, who describes it in typical Pitchfork fashion. I think the reasons to dislike this album cover are fairly self-evident. Personally, I am still trying to get my vision back.

Posted by oz115 at 10:38 PM | Comments (0)

September 21, 2006

Silly lawsuit department

Something like 80% of lawsuits are settled before they ever come near a court. Presumably this one is going to get settled, or the judge is going to toss it:

Now, in what must be a first for Hollywood, someone is actually suing to get INTO a celebrity magazine.

Meet US Weekly's first reverse-stalker.

Fraser Ross is the owner of Kitson, a Beverly Hills boutique that outfits Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and other young Hollywood stars, not to mention busloads of status-conscious civilians who crave the store's giraffe bracelets, purple-alligator watches and "Everybody Pretend to Be Normal" T-shirts.

Ross' lawsuit claims that the New York-based celebrity weekly is intentionally omitting his shop from its pages. And he wants the courts to - do what? Take over the US Weekly assignment desk?

Posted by oz115 at 10:14 AM | Comments (1)

September 20, 2006

Rock on

Christy and I have been going to see this fellow Dan play music at Hye Bar on Wednesdays, and Christy has become friends with him. We liked him because he wasn't your typical guitar playin' guy you see at bars who pop out Coldplay and John Mayer songs. We're talking like Johnny Cash, John Denver, and other sing-a-longs that aren't too cliche. He and Christy both worship at the altar of Bob Dylan, so they never run out of stuff to talk about. Needless to say, we enjoyed his tunes, and decided to come back to hear him play more often.

Then we ended up on his e-mail list, and have been getting updates and such. He also formed his own band, and last night they played their debut show as a band. It was a very good time, and our pal Dan pulled off some killer guitar moves, including a few minutes where he played guitar while laying on the floor of the bar after jumping off the stage. Rock n' roll! But the purest rock moment of all came at the very end of the show when he dropped his electric guitar on the floor, breaking five strings and the neck. I guess that was the death of that guitar, because he then broke it into bits and pieces a la Paul Simonon. I'd never seen anyone smash a guitar like that before, and I have to say it was pretty cool.

I'm not going to lie, it's sort of strange to befriend a local musician to the point where you go out to his shows on Tuesday nights, but you can't help but like the guy because he really takes his craft seriously, and he's not even an ass about it. His original songs are pretty tuneful and listenable. I most definitely think he has a future with this music thing. So, I'd say his debut was a success, and we'll unoubtedly be back to see him again.

Posted by oz115 at 09:39 PM | Comments (1)

September 19, 2006

Fun with fonts

At least it wasn't Comic Sans:

X-rated type used on third-grade handout in New York
Tuesday, September 19, 2006

MONROE, N.Y. (AP) -- School officials apologized after an X-rated font was used on a third-grade spelling packet handed out to parents. The font showed male and female stick figures in provocative poses to form the letters of the alphabet.

Officials with the Monroe-Woodbury School District in Orange County apologized last week after parents at Pine Tree Elementary School were given the spelling packet at an open house.

Administrators said the teacher did not use the font intentionally.

Monroe is about 45 miles northwest of New York City.

Posted by oz115 at 11:11 AM | Comments (1)

September 18, 2006

Here we go again

Way back in 2000, I had a serious crisis of conscience vis-a-vis the Presidential election. I didn't much care for George Bush, and I wasn't too enamored with Al Gore, either. In short, I didn't think either of them deserved my vote. So I did what any rebellious type would have done, which is vote for Ralph Nader. Oops. Anyway, now that I think about it, I probably could have voted for Al Gore. It didn't matter much anyway, because Bush ran away with Ohio.

But now, I have a similar problem. I feel a little sick at the idea of voting for Governor Rod Blagojevich, who is not really doing so hot at running the state and also not instilling much confidence in busting corruption.

However, at the same time, there's no way in hell I'm voting for Judy Baar Topinka. Her brilliant idea for settling Illinois' financial problems? Expand casino gambling! No thanks.

Not only that, Blagojevich and Topinka must have the worst hair in the history of politics. I guess it's probably a moot point because Blago is most likely going to win no matter what, so maybe I will write in a candidate for governor.

I think that is what I will do. Who should I make my write-in candidate for governor? And please, no Jedi Knights. I'm looking at you, Quigg and Gentile.

Posted by oz115 at 10:36 PM | Comments (3)

Get that money

I have to admire Pete Rose. He likes his money. As it turns out, he liked money so much he used to gamble on his own baseball team, which any baseball fan will tell you is a mortal sin. The evidence was overwhelming, but he denied he had bet on baseball. He received a lifetime ban for it, and he denied it for years. Then, he realized he could make a bucketload of money if he admitted he had bet on baseball. So he published a book about that. Now, he found another way to capitalize off this: signing baseballs that say, "Sorry I bet on baseball." Pete Rose, you are one hard-core capitalist.

Posted by oz115 at 03:43 PM | Comments (0)

September 15, 2006

Twenty-five minutes to go

Sorry to say, but I am a pretty morbid guy. Christy and I had an interesting conversation the other day, wherein I asked her what she would want her last meal to be if she was going to be executed. It should be noted, I asked her this same question a few weeks before, and completely forgot about it.

Her answer is that she would want her mom to make her Thanksgiving Dinner, with turkey and stuffing and all that stuff. She loves her Thanksgiving meal, probably because she was born the day after Thanksgiving. I think this is a pretty good request, especially when you take into account that Mary Kay is a chef of some reknown. I personally wouldn't because I don't want my mom to have to cook me my last meal before I get strung up.

When I thought about it for awhile, I said I would want my last meal to be something like two triple cheeseburgers from Wendy's, because when are you ever going to get a chance to eat two triple cheeseburgers without fear of the consequences. Now, I'm not saying that would be my last meal, because I think I'd ask for something else. But what I was trying to say was, if I'm getting a last meal, you bet your bottom dollar I am filling ever last inch of my tummy.

Somebody else had my idea, at least. I direct you to the Wikipedia entry on last meals. According to that article - and you know Wikipedia is never wrong - a fellow named Morris O'Dell Mason had four Big Macs, two large orders of fries, two hot fudge sundaes, a hot apple pie and two large Cokes.

Shit, man. I think that would be anybody's last meal, even if they weren't being executed!

Additionally, here's a blog that chronicles last meal requests. Check out this description of a convicted murderer's last meal!

Posted by oz115 at 11:31 PM | Comments (1)

Tehe

Here's a funny answer from Jeopardy. Seeing as upon hearing the clue I guess the exact same thing, I think this answer might be technically correct! (This is a sound file, so if you're at work or somethin', might want to turn down the speakers!)

Posted by oz115 at 06:49 PM | Comments (0)

Old time religion

Another nonsensical letter to the editor in the Eagle-Gazette:

First off, I want you to know I do not approve what a sex offender did or what some are about to do. I don't approve of murders, abortion, lying and cheating, or anything else that is a sin according to the Bible. I am not perfect, but hope to be someday.
Now Mr. Smith, could we have prevented 9/11 with legislation or all those hurricanes those people had? Now with legislation, you are not to take guns and knives on the bus or to school or classrooms: Who is paying attention? We had a murder a block away from us, which I could hardly believe happened. Will legislation stop the shooting and stabbing going on in Columbus?

I don't see where our ex-president Clinton got put on an island. We have Mr. Karr caught. He taught school, mingled with society and now he is not guilty? What is his category? Will legislation help him?

There is a double standard in this world. You can go into a bar and drink yourself to oblivion and have someone drive you home, but you can't smoke a cigarette. At least you wouldn't be drunk, unless you had a dopey cigarette.

The Lord isn't going to stand for this wickedness and double standards much longer. Some people take better care of their pets than we do our humans. These sex offenders are humans; they have a heart and a soul: Are the expected to go out in the woods and pitch a tent or live somewhere on an island?

Now, according to my Bible, this Earth and everything on it belongs to God. He just loaned it to us for a while. The King is coming back and the life you save may be your own. We need to keep trying.

Posted by oz115 at 01:26 PM | Comments (0)

September 14, 2006

Pigs gone wild

This story reminds me of an incident many years ago in Columbus. (Well, it spurred my memory of it, at least.)

GREEN BAY, Wis. - A pig withstood taser shots from police officers and eluded authorities for more than an hour after wandering onto Green Bay's major highway. The 150-pound pig was spotted by a passing driver on U.S. 41 at 6 p.m. Wednesday night, Green Bay Police Lt. Todd LePine said.

The animal reportedly went into traffic several times, creating a hazard, he said.

Officers located the pig about 7 p.m. and made two attempts to subdue it with a stun gun, he said, but it fled both times after pulling out the Taser probes.

A passerby who described himself as a former pig farmer tried to wrestle the animal, but the animal pulled away from him as well, LePine said.

Three tranquilizer darts were finally used to bring the pig under control, and it was placed in blanket and lifted into an animal control van, LePine said.

The animal was taken to the Bay Area Humane Shelter that evening. Police said a local attorney planned to claim the pig Thursday. The name of the pig's owner was not disclosed.

Anyway, way back in my sophomore or junior year of college, I was driving on the expressway near downtown Columbus when I saw a bunch of cars swerving and trying to avoid something in the road. As I got closer, it turns out there was a queen sized mattress laying across two lanes. After I also dodged the thing, I called 911 on my cellphone.

I started with, "Uh, yes. I'm on I-70 here by Broad Street and..."

But the 911 dispatcher interrupted me: "Are you calling about the mattress?" I said I was, and she replied, "We know. We're working on it." Test-eeee! I wonder how long it took them to get rid of it?

Posted by oz115 at 04:01 PM | Comments (0)

September 13, 2006

Maybe I should clear this up

A few weeks ago, I ridiculed an Arab fellow who was arrested at O'Hare when he told security his penis pump was a "bomb". I think we all construed the story as him not wanting to say it was a penis pump because his mom was at the airport with him, so OF COURSE he said it was a bomb instead.

Well, we all sort of messed that one up. As it turns out, he was saying "pump" but his accent made it sound like "bomb". On the other hand, nervous security screeners hear an Arab saying something that sounds like bomb, and they arrest his ass.

I find this pump/bomb thing to be a perfectly logical and, well, stupidly obvious explanation. Any charges against him have been dropped, and it looks like he'll walk away with a story that his friends will never, EVER, let him live down.

But, as for me, I wanted to say sorry for making fun of you, wherever you are.

For Zorn's explanation of the whole mess, click here.

Posted by oz115 at 11:30 PM | Comments (0)

September 12, 2006

On the homefront

Christy, God bless her, recently told me she thinks Lancaster has a certain small-town charm. I don't know about that, personally. But hey, the place is moving up in the world:

Two Mexican-style restaurants and a Starbucks drive-through are coming to Lancaster.

Renovations are under way to turn the former Chi Chi's building into La Cascada, an authentic Mexican restaurant that has sister locations in Logan and Hillsboro.

A sign that reads The Shops at North Memorial sits in front of the former Bob Evans Restaurant off Memorial Drive, near Arby's. The site, which includes the former Taco Bell building, is the future site of Starbucks and Chipotle, a casual dining Mexican restaurant.

I am willing to bet that as soon as the Mexican place and Chipotle open, the Eagle-Gazette is going to have a story asking people what they think about it. I guess there is a certain charm to that.

This is going to be a banner year for my little brother. He loves Starbucks and Chipotle. When he is around, he takes the dog for car rides to the Chipotle in Columbus, and he gets a burrito and the dog gets a kid's meal or something. On the other hand, my dislike of Chipotle has been well-documented. Now he doesn't have to drive 25 miles to Columbus to get a burrito, they can go into town to get it. I have made it a mission of sorts to convince my brother that there are better burritos around then the tripe they serve at Chipotle.

Starbucks is more of an interesting case. At the Kroger's on Main Street in Lancaster, there is a Starbuck's already. It is located inside the store. My brother also likes to go there and get some haughty frappucino looking dealie or something - I am not entirely sure what it is. I think he likes the Starbucks because he thinks it makes him look worldly. But anything Britney Spears does can't be too worldly. He and my dad go there sometimes and drink coffee, but not often because my dad usually makes his coffee at home.

My dad is an interesting coffee character. He drinks his coffee black. No cream, no sugar. One time, we went to Italy and Greece and my dad had a hell of a time finding black coffee, because everyone in Italy and Greece is European and they only drink fruity flavored coffee there. The trick, he found, was to ask for "American Coffee" and then it was sufficiently black.

When my dad drinks coffee, he sips it for a little bit. When he has had enough of sipping, he chugs the rest regardless of the heat and says "aaaaaah!" He had a hot water tap installed in the house so he could make scalding hot coffee without having to heat the water himself. He drinks coffee like other people drink water. He drinks it when he mows the lawn on 90 degree days. We know that because the tractor doesn't have a cupholder, and the tractor has coffee stains on the hood where he would put his cups of coffee. When he was done with the coffee, he would toss the ceramic mug onto the side of the lawn that had just been mowed. Then we'd find the mugs three weeks later when we had to mow the lawn again.

My first car, the Shaggin Wagon/Timmobile, had coffee stains all over it. The car had a cupholder, but coffee mugs didn't fit into it, so he would put his mug on the dashboard. Coffee would spill all over it, and then the car would smell like coffee. But because he had about a eight minute drive to work, he would have to chug the coffee in eight minutes. After the "aaah!", he'd toss the mug onto the passenger seat. I'd find them every now and then, and I'd say, "I don't want you drinking coffee in my car!" Even though it really was his car.

I guess you could say my dad loves coffee. Me, I don't care for it. When I was about 16, I thought I would give it a try, but I couldn't stand the taste. I thought dropping sugar and cream into it would make it more tolerable, but all it did was triple the calorie content. I gave up the experiment after a few weeks, and haven't had coffee since. My frothy drink of choice is now the more pleasurable hot chocolate. I am further disinclined to try coffee because of so many people I know who have awful coffee/cigarette breath. Not that I smoke, but maybe coffee is a gateway drug to smoking?

I don't think my dad goes for Starbucks coffee. He likes the 99 cent stuff that comes in the vending machine with the playing cards like in Terminator 2. Maybe he'll be conviced to try it, I don't really know. But my brother will love it.

Posted by oz115 at 10:10 AM | Comments (3)

September 11, 2006

My moment in the sun

Allright, so the Wikipedia people are on top of jackasses like me who try to make pages about themselves. My article was deleted in, oh, about five minutes. I've preserved it for posterity here. That contest, I must say, was resolved rather quickly.

Posted by oz115 at 10:13 PM | Comments (0)

Contest time

You know, it's been awhile since I've had a contest here at the Squealer. In fact, the last real contest I can recall having here is the Antenna Ball Challenge, and that was two years ago. This is far better than reading Planned Parenthood v. Casey.

So here's today's contest. I've created an article about myself on Wikipedia, and I am going to see how long it takes before somebody tries to delete it. My over/under is 36 hours. It's 11 pm central time right now, so I'm guessing by about 11 am on Wednesday, I will no longer be a part of Wikipedia. I imagine this deletion will also be speeded by the fact that I linked to myself on the page.

What is your guess? Also, feel free to edit my Wikipedia page with a any relevant information you can think of.

Posted by oz115 at 09:59 PM | Comments (0)

You tell 'em

As a future lawyer, I am sometimes baffled at the pronouncements of attorneys who are defending a client with a, shall we say, untenable position. Every person is entitled to a fair and adequate defense, and I have no quibble with that. I wrote last year about a Little League coach who allegedly paid one of his players $25 to injure an autistic teammate. He's off to trial, and he has a lawyer who is charged with defending a guy so unpopular he needed a change of venue because he can't get a fair trial in his home town.

The prosecution's case goes like so:

Prosecutors have argued that Downs did not want Harry Bowers Jr., then 9, to play in a June 2005 T-ball playoff game because the boy wasn't as good as his teammates. Bowers has autism and mild mental retardation.

Keith Reese, 8 at the time, testified at a preliminary hearing that he hit Bowers with baseballs first in the groin and later in the ear. Reese said he did it because Downs offered him $25 to make sure Bowers wouldn't be able to play.

League rules require each player to play at least three innings.

Prosecutors did not return several phone calls from The Associated Press seeking comment on the start of the trial.

His lawyer, on the other hand, will talk to the media. He has another theory of the case:

[Defense attorney] Shaffer said Downs had joked at another game about paying players to hit an umpire with a ball. His words were later taken out of context and used against him by Reese, Shaffer said.

Bowers was hit because he misplayed balls while warming up with Reese, Shaffer said.

"[Bowers] was terrible. ... It's not like he got blinded-sided," Shaffer said. "He put his glove up, he missed it and it went off his glove and hit him."

I guess this all depends on how the 8-year old holds up under cross-examination, eh?

Posted by oz115 at 06:59 PM | Comments (0)

Yeah right

I found myself at a Jewel Osco in Boystown yesterday, and because it was packed I had to park my car in the parking garage. I saw the above signs all over the place in the garage.

I do not understand this. Isn't it easier to put a fire extinguisher in the parking garage? Where downstairs are the fire extinguishers? And, finally, if my car is actually on fire in the upstairs, enclosed, no-pedestrian-exit-to-the-outside parking garage, am I really going to run downstairs, find a fire extinguisher, and run back up to put out the fire? Or, would my natural human instict upon seeing an out of control fire, which is to run as far away as possible, more likely take over in that situation? Is this lack of fire extinguishers the same reason a neighboring Dominick's went up in flames?

Posted by oz115 at 02:32 PM | Comments (0)

September 08, 2006

Happy trails

If there was an award for most pointless blog posting ever, this would undoubtedly be a nominee. It is of no social, cultural, or entertainment value. Because this is my website, and because you are my prisoner, I am going to post it anyway.

I bought this shower curtain a little over four years ago:

As shower curtains are wont to do, it got icky. Today I finally decided to replace it. Here is my new one:

I like ducks, allright? I like the old one better, but this will do. Mildew always beats no mildew, right? That's what I thought.

If you want to complain that this message completely wasted your time, just remember that it will probably take a lot longer to express your displeasure in the comment box than it did to read this and think to yourself, "what a dumbass."

Posted by oz115 at 05:57 PM | Comments (1)

I think *that* makes you crazy

I think enough has been said about how awesome Gnarls Barkley is, so I'm not going to talk about that. Instead, how about their costumes? This guy has a good rundown of some of them, but I have to give the top honor to their performance on the MTV Movie Awards. How did they ever get a Wookie to play drums?

Posted by oz115 at 11:07 AM | Comments (0)

I knew it!

A few months ago I wrote about a billboard I saw while walking around, positing that it had to be some sort of guerilla marketing campaign:

Not that I am surprised, but I was right! (I don't mean that I'm always right, I mean, you know, this thing was obviously not an actual message from a pissed-off wife to a husband.) The billboard apparently is a bit of marketing for a program on Court TV, of all places - complete with Emily's blog. Well played, Court TV. Well played.

Posted by oz115 at 09:12 AM | Comments (0)

September 07, 2006

Very new age of me

Christy convinced me to take a yoga class with her, and so off we went to our first class yesterday. I'd always heard yoga was a nice stress reliever and a good work out, so I decided to give it a try. Let me tell you, it was a strange experience.

As you probably guessed, I was the only guy there. I can deal with that, because if there is somehow a nuclear holocaust and only our yoga class survives, I will be responsible for repopulating the human species. That's a big responsibility, so if you want to do that, sign up for yoga.

I am actually not that bad at some of this stuff, though I am sure there is room for improvement. The instructor is not exactly a drill sergeant, so theoretically if I did suck at it, she didn't criticize me too heavily. We did some stretches and other goofy things, and I worked up a nice sweat. It was enjoyable, and I was nice and sore at the end of the thing.

I always look for something to complain about, and something irked me in yoga. The girl in front of me had obviously taken yoga before, because she was doing every stretch before the instructor explained it, and she was acting all bad-ass and sitting cross-legged like a regular yoga guru. Christy and I both agree that if she is going to show off in yoga class, she ought not to be in the beginner class.

My next class is next Wednesday - how will I ever survive?

Posted by oz115 at 03:48 PM | Comments (0)

September 06, 2006

We have a winner

I think I may have found something more useless than researching the world's drunkest cities: telephone telepathy.

Many people have experienced the phenomenon of receiving a telephone call from someone shortly after thinking about them -- now a scientist says he has proof of what he calls telephone telepathy.

Rupert Sheldrake, whose research is funded by the respected Trinity College, Cambridge, said on Tuesday he had conducted experiments that proved that such precognition existed for telephone calls and even e-mails.

Each person in the trials was asked to give researchers names and phone numbers of four relatives or friends. These were then called at random and told to ring the subject who had to identify the caller before answering the phone.

"The hit rate was 45 percent, well above the 25 percent you would have expected," he told the annual meeting of the British Association for the Advancement of Science. "The odds against this being a chance effect are 1,000 billion to one."

I don't buy this at all. Sure, there are certain times when I think about somebody, and they call. But there are billions of times I think about somebody, and nary a peep comes out of my telephone. I think it is very dubious to say this is an actual phenomenon as opposed to a coincidence.

Up next? Finding out once and for all what happens when you eat Pop Rocks and drink a Pepsi.

Posted by oz115 at 09:18 AM | Comments (0)

September 05, 2006

Not very useful information

If you are ever unfortunate enough to watch a college football game with me, I will probably sarcastically ask at some point what Lee Corso's prediction for the game was. This is because I am completely and utterly annoyed by ESPN's practice of putting Corso's and Kirk Hebstreit's prediction for the games from the College Gameday show in their score ticker at the bottom of the screen.

For me, the purpose of a score ticker is to find out what the score of a game is, especially if I really care about one of the teams and am otherwise unable to find information about the sporting event. Suppose I am in a bar, or at a relative's house, and want to see how my beloved Sabres are doing. In the old days - 1998, natch - ESPN2 ran a score ticker that told you the score, and nothing else. Nowadays, the ticker lists the score, then displays 3 or 4 additional bits that give stats and other tidbits from the game, such as so-and-so hit his 50th career double or something similarly trivial.

But ESPN's college football ticker is the biggest sinner, because in addition to the player stats, it has another screen to tell you what Lee Corso and Kirk Herbstreit predicted. This information is simply not important enough to put in a score ticker, ESPN! I want to find out scores, not find out that Corso correctly predicted that the #1 team in the country would defeat Podunk State University. With all the statistics displayed, which I am sure has to do with the explosion in fantasy games, it takes forever to find one score, let alone wade through the results of 50 or so college football games. This bit of self-congratulating, or whatever the display of the predictions is supposed to accomplish, may be the most annoying thing in TV sports today, other than, of course, Terry Bradshaw, Hawk Harrelson, and Tim McCarver. Actually, I could go on and on about sports announcer who annoy me, as can any man who watches sports. I'm not saying I can do better, but there has to be somebody out there better than some of these clowns. Okay, I will stop now.

Posted by oz115 at 01:30 PM | Comments (1)

Crikey

I can't say I'm very surprised that Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin met his end while out chasing after dangerous wildlife, but it's still sad and shocking when it actually happens.

I think the weirdest thing for me is how there's always going to be people who die before their time ought to be up, and there is never a way to know for sure. Some people seem destined to croak early, but other times it's a complete shock. Then, other times, people seem to defy the odds and live to a somewhat normal age. It always makes me wonder who is going to be the next famous or important person to leave us early.

Posted by oz115 at 11:53 AM | Comments (0)

Zing

I can't believe I've almost forgotten about that delightful headbutt in the World Cup Final. Well, the victim, perhaps, of the whole mess, Marco Materazzi, has revealed what he said to Zinedine Zidane to earn that response:

Materazzi said it was a mention of Zidane's sister which prompted the head butt from the French midfielder that left France down to 10 men before its defeat on penalty kicks.

"I did not provoke him, I responded verbally to a provocation," Materazzi told the daily Gazzetta dello Sport on Tuesday.

"We both spoke and I wasn't the first. I held his shirt but don't you think it is a provocation to say that 'if you want my shirt I will give it you afterwards'?

"I replied to Zidane that I would prefer his sister, that is true. I brought up his sister and that wasn't a nice thing, that is true," said Materazzi.

That's it? Come on!

Based on this, I must conclude his sister must be a touchy subject in the Zidane household. Maybe she is a paraplegic? Maybe she is a cloistered nun? Maybe she is dearly departed? Who knows?

Posted by oz115 at 08:31 AM | Comments (0)