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November 30, 2006

Whatever, dude!

This guy ripped off my list of cartoon babes! Sort of.

And that got me thinking, "you know, there are a lot of hot animated Disney babes! Surely someone has made a list of them!". But alas, there was no list to be found on the internets. So yours truly decided to spin some precious cycles trying to crunch the numbers and come up with a list of the finest Disney women of all-time. The only real requirements for consideration: 1. She must be a cartoon 2. She must be, mostly, human (no cats, mice, etc.) 3. She cannot be evil (only heroines)

He concludes that Jessica Rabbit is the hottest Disney cartoon babe. However, he oddly puts Pocahontas at number 3. To each his own, I guess. Nevertheless, a commendable list!

Posted at 12:53 AM | Comments (0)

Sure to raise a ruckus

A county in Florida has decided to erect this Ten Commandments monument on the steps of its courthouse:

At the bottom of the monument, it says "LOVE GOD AND KEEP HIS COMMANDMENTS." Sadly, I have spent the past month or so working on a project at school on nearly the exact same question, and I am almost 100% sure this thing violates the Establishment Clause. I mean, even if somebody wanted to argue that the ten commandments have historical value and are a foundation of American governance, which to me is nothing but a lame excuse to put the Ten Commandments in public space, that argue is defeated by the rather gratuitous addition of "Love God and keep His Commandments." Nevermind that it also is displayed prominently on the courthouse steps without giving air to other viewpoints.

I am in no mood to write a whole dissertation on this, but I have no doubt that any sane court will find this monument unconstitutional. It clearly endorses religion, it advances religion, and even though it was privately donated, it's still on public land.

Fox News had an interview with some of the principles of this story, with predictable blowhardiness from Sean Hannity.

Posted at 12:00 AM | Comments (0)

November 29, 2006

Baseball, apple pies and hookers

I wrote a few weeks ago about a town in Nevada that is declaring English the official language and making it illegal to fly a foreign flag without the American flag above it. Christy and I have decided to take a little vacation to Las Vegas in a few weeks, and an excellent planning resource is this website, which has a section on stuff to do if you want to have a "naughty Vegas vacation." And boy is it naughty! Did you know Vegas has swinger clubs? We may go to a swingers club, and pretend like we don't know what goes on there. Or maybe not.

Anyway, I found this matter of fact question:

Q: How can I find a prostitute?

A: Don't be fooled by the advertisements handed out on the Strip that may look like they are for prostitutes. They are actually for outcall services that provide exotic dancers and strippers to your hotel room. Prostitution is illegal in Vegas and all of Clark County. There are towns in counties outside of Vegas that have legal brothels, Pahrump being the closest.

Now, to bind this all together, what town is banning foreign flags? Pahrump. What's the nearest town to Vegas to get a hooker? Pahrump. So you're telling me the people of this town think it's okay to get a hooker, but not to fly another country's flag? I mean, hookers and flags aren't really related, but it seems strange to me that they could make a big deal out of flags, but not prostitution. I guess I never knew prostitution was so American!

Posted at 02:47 PM | Comments (1)

Now that's democracy

Here's a good idiotic story for you:

A homeowners' association in southwestern Colorado has threatened to fine a resident $25 a day until she removes a Christmas wreath with a peace sign that some say is an anti-Iraq war protest or a symbol of Satan.

Some residents who have complained have children serving in Iraq, said Bob Kearns, president of the Loma Linda Homeowners Association in Pagosa Springs.

He said some residents believed the wreath was a symbol of Satan. Three or four residents complained, he said.

Maybe I am wrong, but it doesn't really make much sense to me to put a symbol of Satan in a CHRISTMAS wreath. This is where the story gets good:

The association in this 200-home subdivision 270 miles southwest of Denver has sent a letter to her saying that residents were offended by the sign and the board "will not allow signs, flags etc. that can be considered divisive."

The subdivision's rules say no signs, billboards or advertising are permitted without the consent of the architectural control committee.

Kearns ordered the committee to require Jensen to remove the wreath, but members refused after concluding that it was merely a seasonal symbol that didn't say anything.

Kearns fired all five committee members.

He ordered the committee to deem it offensive, and then fired them when they refused? Correct me if I am wrong, but that does not seem like the proper way to run a homeowners' board.

Posted at 02:41 PM | Comments (0)

November 28, 2006

The perfect Christmas gift

I got an interesting e-mail today from Republican National Committee Chairman Ken Mehlman. How did he get my address? It seems they are selling a Republican 2007 calendar, with delightful pictures like this one:

Well, it looks like a certain Republican-leaning girlfriend of mine just found out what her Christmas present is going to be!

Posted at 11:28 AM | Comments (1)

November 27, 2006

Super man, indeed

In Buffalo, there's this giant flea market that my brother likes to go to, because he can buy old records and sports memorabilia and stuff:

It's got some neat stuff in it, but I've been turned off by it recently because, well, it's a flea market. Anyhow, as I perused the aisles of air-brushed t-shirts and $30 used printers, I came upon a fellow selling comic books, including this Superman:

Now look, I don't read many comic books anymore, but doesn't something strike you as odd about Superman's pose on the cover of this comic book? It seems to me he bears a striking resemblance to another proponent of a super man, or super race, if you will. I'm talking, of course, about Der Fuehrer. I think there's a resemblance:

Posted at 11:24 AM | Comments (1)

Tis the season

I am finally back from my Thanksgiving sojourn to Buffalo, where I ate some wings, chowed on some beef on weck, and made my merry with the ol' extended family. Of course, now that it's past Thanksgiving, we are in yet another holiday shopping season, and along with that comes to annual bitch-fest regarding the secularization of Christmas.

Yesterday my dad went off on some rant or another about the clerks at stores who are ordered to say "happy holidays" instead of "merry Christmas," though I didn't quite get his point. Today on my trip to the airport at 6 in the morning, I heard on the radio that somebody is selling magnetic car ribbons that say "I won't be offended if you wish me Merry Christmas."

Here's what I think: if either Happy Holidays or Merry Christmas offends you, don't go out. I can't know just by looking at you whether or not you celebrate Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanzaa, something else or nothing at all. And if you don't like my message of good cheer, you're oversensitive.

Now this gets me to my main point: does it really matter? People are upset at what store clerks are saying, which means they are out shopping and spending lots of money on presents. I am not sure when the practice of giving gifts for Christmas came about, but I can sure bet that Christmas wasn't originally about giving each other presents. And I am also 100% sure that Jesus, that fine fellow, would rather Christians and non-Christians alike repeat a message of tolerance vis-a-vis holiday greetings instead of debate the semantics of happy holidays vs. merry Christmas. I'd like to see a store have all its clerks say Happy Hannukah, just to see what happens. Additionally, I wonder what Jesus would say about all this hot air being blown around by people whose main concern is getting a $19 DVD player at Wal-Mart?

Posted at 11:11 AM | Comments (0)

November 22, 2006

Hatfields and McCoys

Well I'm here in Buffalo, NY for Thanksgiving. My grandma has lived in the same house for nearly 50 years, as has her neighbor, Jenny. As it turns out, they don't like each other. This was never much of a secret. When I was little, I was told to never touch her lawn, or to go over on her part of the sidewalk, which is marked off with some tape like a crime scene. She is super wacky, and super bitchy.

She is obsessed with her lawn. She mows it every day, and keeps it as short as the grass at a miniature golf course. Of course, like most people who are obsessed with something, it is hilariously overdone. You know how there are some women who tan so much their skin turns orange, and everyone thinks they look ridiculous? Her lawn is the lawn equivalent of that. The grass is short, unhealthy, and ugly. But if you breath on it, she'll call the cops.

Once, when I was walking up the driveway, I sneaked a glance at her house and I saw her peaking through the window at me, and then the curtains whooshing closed. My mom refers to her as the witch, and says they have not gotten along since she was a kid.

The witch's favorite time to call the police is any time noise comes from the house, which is often because my aunt, who lives with my grandma, has a gigantic white dog called Lucy who likes to bark. Everytime Lucy barks, the witch calls the police and sometimes they come over, but most of the time they don't. This little dance has been going since I was a little baby, and nothing has ever been resolved. My aunt claims that Jenny once threw a dead rat at the house, and I feel like she once kept a ball of mine that went into her yard, like the prototypical movie evil neighbor she is.

So last Saturday, apparently, Lucy was barking at about 11 pm, and she called the cops. This time the cops came, and my aunt was working - she works at the US/Canada border and had the late shift, I guess - and my poor little grandma, who is turning 90 on Saturday, had to deal with the cops and she was completely scared.

Today, my uncle, cousin and I stopped by the house and brought my grandma a Filet o'Fish from McDonald's, because she loves fried fish and she can eat whatever she wants because she's 90. The witch was out mowing her lawn, and my uncle flew into a rage and started yelling and swearing at her, and the witch was yelling and swearing right back. We then went into the house, gave my grandma the fish, and came back outside. Then they yelled some more, gave each other the finger, and continued to yell. It was very comical to see a middle aged man in a screaming match with a 65-70 year old woman, but she deserved it.

Posted at 02:59 PM | Comments (1)

November 21, 2006

Where's the gratitude?

This fellow was remarkably calm for what just happened to him:

A volunteer Bremen fireman responding to help people in a vehicle crash Friday night watched as one of the victims stole his new pickup truck.

The accused thief sits behind bars, and the truck ... well, is finished.

Thomas J. Childers, 46, of Lancaster, was arraigned Monday in Fairfield County Municipal Court on charges of grand theft of a motor vehicle and failure to comply with a police officer after leading troopers on a chase in two counties before he wrecked the truck.

Fairfield County Municipal Court Judge David Trimmer entered not guilty pleas on the charges. Not guilty pleas are entered automatically in felony cases to make sure the accused has a chance to seek legal counsel. Bond was set at $250,000.

"It was the first new truck I've ever owned," said Bremen volunteer Firefighter Robert W. Pullon. "It looks like the truck is going to be totaled. What really irritates me is we were there to help him and the other crash victims, and this is how he acts. It's unforgivable."

...

Trooper C. M. McMunn positioned himself at State Route 664 and Larimer Road in Hocking County and put down stop sticks. The sticks, which have spikes, punched holes in the right side tires of the stolen truck.

But Childers continued on State Route 664 on the rims until he turned onto Frazeyshelber Road and lost control of the pickup at 12:10 a.m. Saturday. He crashed into a ditch and an embankment.

Childers was attempting to get out the passenger side window when deputies arrived. He fought with deputies and Ward until he was subdued after being shocked three times by a Taser, according to a State Highway Patrol report.

Posted at 11:06 AM | Comments (0)

At least I tried

Today I walked out to my car to drive Christy home, and as we approached it, I realized that two AT&T trucks had blocked me in, and they were running some kind of hose into the manhole cover. There was no way I could get my car out of the parking spot unless they moved, so I put on my best scowl and approached the truck.

"Excuse me," I sneered. "I need you to move your truck." I was prepared for an argument and a story of how I had to take my delicate flower of a girlfriend home and how if they didn't move I would make their lives a living hell, I'd get them fired and I'd drop a match in the sewer and blow us all sky high.

"Oh sure!" the man in the truck responded. "We were wondering when you'd get here!" Whaaaaaa? No, "get lost buddy"? No "we're almost done"? Just a "sure thing!" I was quite stunned. I meekly responded that there was no sign or anything saying I couldn't park there, and the worked just moseyed over, and unhooked his truck as his partner moved it.

Then he started explaining to me all the different wires they have in the sewer, because if they were all on telephone polls there'd be a thousand cables running on there. Then he told me how each company had its own color-coded wires, so that you didn't accidentally mess with somebody else's wires. Then he talked about how it's always hard to work in my neighborhood because every parking spot is taken. I think he was bored, sitting in his truck with just his partner, and he liked having somebody to talk to.

He was a nice fellow, but I sure would've liked to have kicked his ass, though.

Posted at 10:58 AM | Comments (0)

November 20, 2006

No thanks

I got this e-mail from the White Sox today. Why on Earth would anyone put the Hawk in the Hall of Fame? Is it because Wrestling commentators aren't eligible?

===========================================================
whitesox.com - LET'S PUT HIM IN THE HALL...YES! - 11/20/06
===========================================================
Memorable catchphrases such as "He Gone" and "You can put
it on the board, Yes!" have endeared Ken "Hawk" Harrelson
to White Sox fans for more than two decades, and his
enthusiasm for the team and the game of baseball have earned
him a place among the best broadcasters in sports. Now you
can help get him into the Baseball Hall of Fame!

VOTE NOW >>
http://click.mlb.com/ct/click?q=cc-h4fQQ0OC5ab~COQ7qlPVogZRf5dR

Through November, fans have a chance to place Hawk on the
final ballot to win the 2007 Ford C. Frick Award. The winner
of the annual award for broadcast excellence will be inducted
in Cooperstown, N.Y., on July 29, 2007.

Posted at 01:40 PM | Comments (2)

Scoreboard

Okay, I will admit I was surprised when the Buffalo Bills staged a comeback win over the Houston Texans today, mostly because Buffalo has a pretty anemic offense. Quarterback J.P. Losman has been the target of criticism lately, but I think he's improving. Right now, he is being compared to Rob Johnson, famed more for his laid-back surfer approach than his physical skills. Johnson's best moment as a Bill came when he took the Bills into Tennessee and engineered a game that saw Buffalo score what should have been the winning field goal with seconds left in the game. Unfortunately, that game has another name now: the Music City Miracle, which I still believe should have been ruled a forward lateral. Damn refs.

But I like Losman, and I think he will get better as the season goes on. Anyway, the Texans weren't impressed:

Robinson was a bit shocked at the way Losman directed his team on the last drive. "If that had been Peyton Manning, you'd expect it," he said disgusted. "But it was J.P. Losman. That's embarrassing. I hope he doesn't feel too good because we just shot ourselves in the foot."

Sucks to be you, Robinson!

Posted at 12:02 AM | Comments (0)

November 19, 2006

A heartwarming moment

Call me a sucker, but I think this Michelin commercial is about the cutest thing I've ever seen:

Posted at 12:01 AM | Comments (0)

November 18, 2006

Now I feel better

I was walking into a Borders earlier this morning when I saw a car with this bumper sticker:

I wasn't entirely sure what the thing said, but I knew I had heard of the Baader Meinhof group somewhere. And sure enough, my suspicions were confirmed: the Baader Meinhof group is the same thing as the Red Army Faction, who happened to be the leading terrorist organization in 1970's West Germany.

So my next question was, why does this guy have a terrorism bumper sticker on his car? The answer to my question once again proves how f'ing amazing the internet is, because you can find just about anything on it. According to this website, the bumper sticker means this:

"I do not belong to the Baader-Meinhof Group." Thousands of young Germans put these stickers on their cars (especially BMWs) in the early 1970s in an effort to dissuade overeager police from pulling them over. The stickers were as much a political statement as a practical one; they told the conservative German population that despite being young and having long hair, not everyone was in the Baader-Meinhof Gang. Now available for the first time in three decades, an exact reproduction of the famous bumper sticker.

Thank you very much, internet! I now know the answer, and I will completely forget about this episode in, oh, 5 minutes from now.

Side note: in the wake of Wal-Mart putting the Death's Head logo on a t-shirt, I wonder if anyone has ever tried to make a Red Army Faction t-shirt? It's a pretty cool logo, after all:

Why do the damn terrorists have the best logos?

Posted at 02:15 PM | Comments (0)

November 17, 2006

Mm hmm

I guess it's pretty weird that I think a cartoon character is hot, but I just love Erin Esurance from those crazy esurance commercials on TV:

I have to bring this up because Erin was recently slammed in Slate Magazine. Not cool! I mean, look! She even has green eyes, just like a certain other lady I happen to know.

So, in my "cartoon hottie rankings" (this is the first ever one, by the way), I think Erin Esurance earns the top spot.

Here you go:
1. Erin Esurance
2. Marge Simpson (with hair down)
3. Jessica Rabbit
4. April O'Neal (Ninja Turtles!)
5. Smurfette

Feel free to add any cartoon ladies I may have missed!

Posted at 01:50 AM | Comments (1)

November 16, 2006

Saving the world one flag at a time

Can anyone guess what I find objectionable about this story?

PAHRUMP, Nev. - A town board in southern Nevada has adopted an ordinance declaring English the official language, restricting the display of foreign flags and denying town benefits to illegal immigrants.

A 3-2 Town Board vote drew a standing ovation and cheers late Tuesday from many of the 250 people at the meeting.

Town Manager David Richards called the ordinance a statement that "everyone should speak English, and if you are going to move here then you ought to respect the American flag and fly it in prominence."

... The flag measure requires an American flag to be displayed at least as prominently as a foreign flag.

Why yes. I think it is incredibly dumb, and probably unconstitutional, to make it illegal to fly any other country's flag without an American flag also present. Yes, it's America, and I agree that if somebody wants to live in America, they ought to love the country and be proud of it, and I think flying an American flag is a much better and more tasteful way to show your support than some other ways*. As nice as that is, I don't think it should be government's place to tell people what flags they can fly. Instead, this is nothing but a misguided attempt at patriotism.

* - I so badly wish I knew what is going in this picture.

Posted at 01:07 AM | Comments (1)

November 15, 2006

Unfortunate

Here's a good one. Apparently Wal-Mart is selling t-shirts with a nifty little skull and crossbones on them:

Cool design, eh? Except, oh, this happens to be the very same logo used by the 3d SS "Totenkopf" ("Death's Head") division in World War 2, a division notorious for its war crimes:

Of all the Germanic SS Divisions, Totenkopf has the blackest history with regard to war crimes. The division's original cadre was drawn from the SS-Totenkopfverbände (concentration camp guards), as opposed to the other Germanic SS Divisions which were formed from the SS-Verfügungstruppe. While the SS-VT had been trained by such brilliant military leaders as Paul Hausser, Felix Steiner and Georg Keppler; the SS-TV was trained and led by fanatical Nazis like Theodor Eicke, Max Simon and Helmut Becker. Eicke instilled ruthlessness in his men, and during the training at Dachau, the troops commonly spent time guarding inmates at the nearby concentration camp. The three SS-TV Standartes which were to form the Totenkopf division saw action in Poland, where they were involved in numerous war crimes.

By the time Totenkopf went into action, it was filled with highly-indoctrinated and ruthless men, some of whom were already war criminals. A spate of war crimes in France and in Russia in 1941-42 left Totenkopf with a reputation for criminal activities. Only several days into the Fall Gelb campaign, Totenkopf men were implicated in war crimes. 14./III.Bat/Totenkopf Infanterie Regiment-2 executed 97 British troops of the Norfolk Regiment at the town of Le Paradis. The commander, SS-Obersturmführer Fritz Knöchlein, had accused the Norfolk Regiment of using dum-dum ammunition and therefore being in violation of the Hague Convention of 1899. After the war, Knöchlein was found guilty of war crimes and hanged.

Nowadays, the symbol is a popular one among neo-nazis, because it is not as recognizable as the swastika. I'm not suggesting Wal-Mart did this on purpose, but you have to admit, this sure is a good lesson in checking where you get your inspiration from. Wal-Mart issued an apology to one of the fellows who busted them on this, and boy is their face red!

Posted at 05:51 PM | Comments (0)

Keep fishin

An interesting thing happened to me today. I was waiting to use the elevator at school here today, and so I stood in kind of a line of people waiting to get on the elevator. When the elevator arrived, it was getting pretty full, and the people in front of me all got on, and there was room for one more person - namely, me.

As I move to get on the elevator, some girl comes around the corner and tries to sneak on the elevator in my spot. Needless to say, I swung my heavy backpack around, blocking her path to the elevator. I think she many have given me some kind of sniff of contempt, but I am not entirely sure. My question: am I a rude bastard for not letting a woman in my spot on the elevator, or is she rude for trying to steal the last spot when I was clearly there first?

Personally, I think she is the rude one. I have noticed a distinct lack of elevator manners lately, namely people who get to the elevator right when the door is opening and then step in front of people who have been waiting, causing that person to not get on the elevator because it is full. Maybe I am wrong, but ditching in line for an elevator should be no more acceptable than ditching in line at the grocery store.

She can admittedly play the woman card, saying that I should have given her the elevator spot because she is a woman (though younger than me and, I am sure, physically able.) I have decided that if anyone should ever use her status as a woman as an excuse to get something from me, she is not going to get it (e.g. I have this recurring nightmare of some lady demanding that I give her my seat on the elevated train.) Mind you, I am not one of those people who moans about women demanding equal rights but still wanting the niceties, as I think that is a slippery way for men to get out of having to be polite.

Actually, Christy is allowed to play the woman card, because I like her and she deserves special treatment. Though I would like to think that she would get whatever it is she needed before having to ask. Unless, of course, she reads this and then tries to get me to drive her to the grocery store or something. Oh I'm in trouble, aren't I?

Posted at 02:32 PM | Comments (1)

November 14, 2006

Time for a diet

Sometimes I get stories to post on here from the Yahoo Odd News section, and there's always a picture of this really, gigantic, fat cat on the page. Being the sleuth that I am, a tracked down the cat. Damn, is he a fat bastard:

I really have nothing else to add. This picture makes me chuckle.

Posted at 11:52 AM | Comments (0)

November 13, 2006

Dyno-mite!

I know all of you are huge soccer fans, so you probably know that the Houston Dynamo won this year's MLS Cup yesterday. This turn of events reminded me of an interesting piece of news.

Before this year, the Houston Dynamo were known as the San Jose Earthquakes, but moved to Houston when they couldn't get a stadium deal. A contest was held to pick a name for the new team, and the contest winner was Houston 1836, a reference to the year the Republic of Texas was founded. (Some European soccer teams name themselves after the year they were founded.)

A lot of Texans thought the name was cool, as 1836 was an important year for Texas. Unfortunately, a segment of Texas was pissed off about the name - that is, Hispanics who didn't like the reference to the war which freed Texas from Mexico in humiliating fashion. I guess they are still sore about that. Enough people raised a stink that Houston decided to rename the team Dynamo, a la other soccer clubs, and leave it at that.

Needless to say, a whole group of people then went off and complained about how this is a victory for political correctness over common sense, and Houston Dynamo execs were pansies for bowing to all the pressure.

So here is my question: are Houston Dynamo officials PC-jackoffs because they didn't want to offend a large segment of their audience, Hispanics? Or, should I frame the question like this: are they idiots because they bowed to the pressure of politically correct whining? Personally I think it was a perfectly good move to change the name. There is no use in choosing a name that has negative connotations to the very people you depend on for support. (For example, when the Columbus Bluejackets NHL team started off in Columbus, a lot of people complained because blue was also the color of their hated rival, Michigan. Imagine that... the whole color of blue is a no-no in Columbus!)

Posted at 05:46 PM | Comments (0)

Hose er down

Christy and I had an interesting conversation today. She related the story of how she had to use the ladies' room at Panera, but was hesitant to do so because there was a mess on the toilet seat.

I mentioned to her how I think restaurants and other public places would benefit from keeping a bottle of bathroom cleaner/disinfectant in the bathroom so you can clean the toilet seat before using it. Christy thinks this would be pointless, because nobody would want to clean the seat before using it. However, I believe it is a good option to have, especially when confronted with the double-edged sword of really needing to use the bathroom but said bathroom is dirty and icky. I don't know about you, but I am willing to clean a toilet seat if it means I can sit down on it without fear of contracting rabies.

Furthermore, the cleaner is a far better alternative than lining the seat with toilet paper, which I imagine is the favored method. Maybe I can keep a bottle in my car? Or would that to be too drastic a solution for a problem that admittedly does not come up very often for me?

What do you, dear reader, think about this? Should public places keep a bottle of cleaner in the bathroom if a customer wants to tidy up?

Posted at 03:34 PM | Comments (3)

November 10, 2006

I don't know what to say

I'll let this one speak for itself:

A man was arrested on suspicion of carrying a concealed weapon after police found him outdoors — naked — and he told them he had a tool in his rectum, authorities said. The man was lying on a tree stump, masturbating beside a nature path, near a Bay Area Rapid Transit station Thursday, police said.

John Sheehan, 33, of Pittsburg, was initially arrested on suspicion of indecent exposure. But when asked whether he was carrying anything police should know about, Sheehan mentioned the tool, said El Cerrito Detective Cpl. Don Horgan.

Posted at 03:49 PM | Comments (1)

November 09, 2006

Now for something completely different

Funny. I always thought you needed a big pair of balls to go around collecting taxes:

They are India's new tax collectors. Dancing and singing to the beat of drums, about 20 eunuchs in bright saris began going from shop to shop, asking the owners to pay overdue municipal taxes in Patna, the capital of Bihar, one of India's most impoverished and lawless states.

They were hired by Patna's Municipal Corporation on Wednesday after the city's tax arrears ran into the millions, said Atul Prasad, the municipal administrator.

Revenue officials accompany the eunuchs with tax records to settle the outstanding arrears on the spot.

Indian rulers once castrated boys to create eunuchs to work in their harems. But eunuchs today are generally males with partial genitals or who opt for castration because of strong female feelings.

Posted at 02:53 PM | Comments (0)

November 07, 2006

Is this really a surprise?

I'm too lazy to post anything today, so I'll do this instead. In case you are actually getting news from me, read this, then go back under your rock!

Posted at 06:36 PM | Comments (0)

November 06, 2006

Where's Ditka when you need him

As I not-so-boldly predicted here a few weeks ago, the Chicago Bears are no longer undefeated. They suffered their first loss after the Miami Dolphins proved once and for all that water mammals are better than land mammals.

I'll have to admit, I hope the Bears do well, but I sure am glad they lost to the Dolphins, even though they are the archrival of the Bills. Speaking of which, Bears fans: Buffalo did you a favor by knocking off Brett Fav-ruh and the Packers yesterday.

But why am I glad the Dolphins beat the Bears? I'll tell you: it teaches you to never tempt fate. I referenced the Superfans last time I talked about the Bears, and they once referred to a playoff game between the Bears and the NY Giants as a "foregone conclusion," because the Bears (or Ditka) were so great, that they don't even need to bother with the actual game. Well, the Giants felled the Bears in spectacular fashion. (Yeah. I looked it up.)

So the people on TV started to tempt fate last week, when a sportscaster on Channel 5 led off a story about Bears kicker Robbie Gould with something like this: "If the Bears need to kick a last minute field goal against the Dolphins this weekend, which they probably aren't going to have to do..." All I could do was shake my head, and I said to myself, "well this guy blew it for the Bears." In the newspaper it sounded like everybody was dismissing the 1-5 Dolphins and looking forward to the next game. Nice going people!

There is no surefire way to bust up your good momentum by treating your opponent as a sweet, sweet candy bar just waiting to be gobbled up. Now I would hope the actual Bears players did not take Miami as lightly as everyone else in Chicago did, but one has to wonder. I always take the attitude that whoever I am playing against is capable of beating me. I think that if it's a soccer game or even a drunken game of flip cup. You just never know what that other person is going to do.

Furthermore, do I actually believe that this excessive hubris by the media and fans is what actually caused the Bears to lose? Perhaps, a little bit, I do. There is difference between confidence and arrogance, and it looks to me like the throngs of Bears fans were getting a little too much on the arrogant side. I mean, this shirt seemed a little arrogant, as did this bit of Super Bowl prognasticating by the Sun-Times. Nevermind that thinking your team is an unstoppable force can only lead to disappointment. As a Buffalo Bills and Sabres fan, I know this all too well. This defeat ought to knock the Bears back to reality, and judging by the sky-is-falling mentality I saw in the sports page today, it certainly did.

Posted at 01:52 PM | Comments (0)

November 05, 2006

Thanks

In case you haven't heard, John Kerry said a stupid thing a few days ago. It prompted some soldiers in Iraq to give Kerry a nice little zing:

My dad, who thinks John Kerry is a pretty big ass, can't get enough of this sign. I decided to come visit my parents this weekend, and he has asked me, my two brothers, my mom, some people at his job, and my aunt who is visiting from New York if they had seen the sign. He's funny like that.

Posted at 04:45 PM | Comments (1)

November 03, 2006

Touchy!

A fellow in New York was expelled from his gym for grunting too loudly:

Some gyms forbid hogging machines and or wearing flip flops. At one gym, grunting is grounds for expulsion. Albert Argibay of Beacon, N.Y. was escorted by police officers from a gym this week for grunting — which is against Planet Fitness' rules for maintaining a non-intimidating atmosphere.

"Perhaps I grunted, perhaps I didn't. It's open to interpretation," said Argibay, a 40-year-old corrections officer. He said he had his headset on when he was lifting 500 pounds on a squat machine at the gym in Wappingers Falls, about 80 miles north of New York City.

Planet Fitness, which has 120 locations across the country, markets itself as a place where anyone can feel comfortable in its "Judgment Free Zone."

Its rules, posted around the gym, state members cannot wear bandanas, grunt or bang weights on the ground. When an offender is spotted, a "lunk alarm" sounds to warn the member.

To me, it's a little extreme to boot the guy from the gym for grunting, especially if it's his first offense. Nevertheless, rules are rules, and I think grunting is definitely an asinine thing to do at non-musclehead gyms. Of course, gyms, like most places, are pretty big bastions of rudeness.

Here are some of my gym pet peeves:

1. Standing in the running track. It's for running. If you're not running or walking, don't stand in it picking your nose, idiot!

2. Using a machine for something other than its intended use. There's this one machine at my Bally's, I don't know what it's called, but there's only one of them even though it's really popular. You have to be really on top of things to get it before someone else does. So, sometimes there'll be people who are using the machine as a base for doing leg stretched and stuff. I want to smack those people.

3. Playing music too loudly. I don't want to hear your Garth Brooks songs coming out of your iPod, mkay?

4. Filling your water bottle in the water fountain. It takes a minute to fill the bottle. Don't do this when people are waiting to get a drink of water.

5. Excessive nudity. If you have to be naked in the locker room, for Christ's sake, only be naked for as long as is necessary. There is this one guy who is always prancing around naked in the locker room; another guy who I saw standing in front of the mirror and shaving naked; and of course the people who stand under those electronic hand dryers to dry their naked bodies. I mean, if I could somehow be invisible and see this go on in the women's locker room, that might be okay for me. But guys? Put Mr. Johnson away.

There are many other pet peeves I have, but I can't think of them right now. You'll be sure to hear about them as soon as I can remember!

Posted at 04:58 PM | Comments (1)

November 02, 2006

Don't say I didn't warn you

I decided to drive my car to school today, and I ended up parking in a garage that's probably going to end up costing me about $30 when I come back to the car at 10:30 tonight. In the lobby of the garage was this chair:

It's a chair reserved for the security guard. Don't these people watch Seinfeld? I mean, just look at the summary for episode 113 here:

Kramer hires Jackie Chiles as his attorney, who tries to win him big bucks big bucks, no whammies, no whammies, but because of the Maestro, who gave Kramer some Chinese balm, the evidence of his coffee burn became nonexistent. This did not matter anyway, b/c the execs at Javaworld decided they didn't need to see it. All of this didn't matter in the end, b/c Kramer stupidly doesn't hear the word "and" after the first part of their settlement deal of free coffee at all our branches. I'd like to know how Jackie will get a third of that. Does he get free coffee in a third of their stores or does he get a third of a cup of coffee each time? Anyway, Elaine is dating the Maestro, who insists on being called Maestro, even though his name is Bob Cobb, a favorite name of LD's, and they vacation in his place in Tuscany. Jerry follows him there with Kramer at his side by getting a place from a cousin of Poppie's. Finally, George feels bad for Susan's uncle's store's security guard b/c he has to stand the whole day. He gets him a rocking chair, but ends up falling asleep in it, letting a crook rob the store blind.

I don't know, people. I'm gonna be pretty livid if I come back tonight and the guard is snoozing as somebody ganks my car stereo.

Posted at 01:51 PM | Comments (0)

Good planning

Wise people always say, don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today, especially if it's your own funeral. Because you might just croak today. Luckily this woman managed to take care of business just in time:

Woman dies next to own grave

AMSTERDAM (Reuters) - A Dutch woman, who had meticulously planned her own funeral after the death of her husband last year, died next to the grave in Amsterdam where she wanted to be buried, a newspaper reported.

The 65-year-old widow probably died of a heart attack while she was visiting the family grave where her name, but no date, was already inscribed, De Telegraaf daily reported Wednesday.

The woman was carrying a bag with her containing her will when she died and had already organized details of her funeral including the music she wanted played, the paper said.

Posted at 10:58 AM | Comments (0)

Vote for Keith

In case you were wondering, yes, I just did find out how to put YouTube videos into my blog. Here's an amusing video wherein Keith Richards pounds a stage invader with his guitar:

Posted at 12:03 AM | Comments (2)

November 01, 2006

Ho ho ho

The Wall Street Journal's excellent law blog had a pretty funny entry today. Some fellow in Wisconsin was sued over some sort of rental agreement, and he chose to represent himself (what we legal wannabe types call "pro se."). He lost; when he appealed the judgment, he didn't do a very good job of it (read the opinion here):

¶4 In addition, Cook’s argument section contains no legal issues appropriate for appeal.[4] This court need not address issues so lacking in organization and substance that for the court to decide the issues, it would first have to develop them. State v. Pettit, 171 Wis. 2d 627, 646-47, 492 N.W.2d 633 (Ct. App. 1992). Instead of developing legal arguments, Cook cites a variety of documents the trial court had available when it made its decision. Cook is attempting to retry the case on appeal. This court only reviews trial court error, and is therefore not the proper forum for retrying the case. See State ex rel. Swan v. Elections Bd., 133 Wis. 2d 87, 93-94, 394 N.W.2d 732 (1986). If there are any actual legal issues in Cook’s argument section, this court is unable to discern them. We therefore affirm the judgment.

Anyhow, footnote 4 of the opinion zings Cook as only a judge can:

For example, Cook states, “Mr. Kolve stated that I, Mr. Cook broke a window and the bench for his picnic table – not cool!” “Not cool” is not a legal argument.

Why, this judge things he's a regular old Scalia! I looked around the Wisconsin court's website, but I can't find the brief. I would have loved to have read exactly what he wrote.

Posted at 11:32 PM | Comments (0)