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March 31, 2007
The only advantage to getting my car wrecked
So I had to go do some stuff around the suburbs today, and with poor Yoshi in shambles, I decided to rent a car. I trucked down to the Loop, where I had reserved a sedan at Avis. When I got there, they offered me that Mustang for a $5 upgrade. It took me about 2 seconds to think it over, and I was soon up and away, zooming along Lakeshore Drive in a Mustang. My ambition: if I ever catch the s-o-b who smashed Yoshi, they're paying for part of my rental!
Now, it's an ambition of mine to own some kind of car like that some day (though I imagine most guys have similar ambitions), so I milked the Mustang for all its worth. I did all sorts of guy things with it: I drove 70 in a 55 zone (bad-ass!) on the expressway; I took it to the mall; I took it to Target for a sock run. I did that in the last half of the day, at least. The first part I was concentrating on not wrecking the car.
As is my tradition, I gave the car a name: Rockhound, after a certain Armageddon character who, like me, "just wanted to feel the power between my legs, brother." So, Rockhound, thank you for driving me to Target!
Posted by oz115 at 02:51 PM | Comments (0)
March 30, 2007
The Penultimate Four
Are you on the edge of your seat with excitement yet? You should be. We've reached the Penultimate Four in this year's edition of Faux March Madness. Today we'll decide who moves on to the Championship game! Let's get on with the results, shall we?
Abraham Lincoln (#2, History Region) v. Studs Terkel (#2, Chicago Region): This is a titanic matchup. On the one side, you have a president who guided the nation through its darkest time, and on the other side, you have a writer whose words describe the experiences of World War 2, the Great Depression, and 20th century America. They're both great in their respective fields, but the edge has to go to Lincoln. As I said when Lincoln defeated Washington in the previous round, Lincoln's leadership spurred the transformation of America from an agrarian nation to a worldwide powerhouse. Not even that Harry Potter lady can top that in terms of sheer effectiveness. So, Lincoln wins this one by a score of 85 to 79, and advances to the championship game.
Chewbacca (#1, Pop Culture Region) v. Frank Sinatra (#3, Miscellaneous Region): This is another battle of two great competitors. Chewie is the loyal sidekick to Han Solo, and obviously very smart - unless you think you could fix the Millennium Falcon. Sinatra is a legendary crooner, entrepreneur and funseeker. He has winner all over him. But, I have to give the edge to Chewie. He is strong, smart, and loyal. Sinatra would just as soon belt you as belt out a song. This is to say, Sinatra is erratic, and Faux March Madness rewards consistency. Thus, Chewbacca wins this one, 77 to 75.
Thus, we have our final matchup. It's Abraham Lincoln v. Chewbacca. Is it a surprise that the two finalists are probably the two hairiest guys in the tournament? I think not! On Monday, we will find out the winner. I hope you can hold the anticipation until then! One of these fine contestants will join the great pantheon of champions, and the other will join the not-quite-a-pantheon of losers!
Posted by oz115 at 11:17 AM | Comments (0)
A modest proposal
I've come to a couple realizations. At times, I am just not that observant. I hate to match socks, and I sometimes I can't tell whether my pants or socks are navy blue or black. This is of special import to me today because it turns out I thought my pants were black, only for the natural sunlight to expose them as a very dark navy blue. So, I am walking around with black shoes, gray socks, a black belt and blue pants. The horror of it all!
I've often heard that many people have a hard time telling navy blue from black. So, why don't clothing manufacturers put the color of the garment ON the label? I mean, the label has all kinds of other information, like care instruction, size, and all kinds of other b.s. that nobody cares about. I think they can squeeze a little "blue" or "black" in there somewhere. But abbreviations such as "bl" aren't going to work, because that could mean blue or black, and that would defeat the purpose.
As for socks, why don't they do what they do with golf balls? Put a number on the sock. That way, if you can't tell which two socks go together, you can simply look at the number. If one pair of socks was a 59 and another pair was a 68, but they look very similar, all you'd have to do is match the 59 with the 68. Yes, I know socks don't have tags, but I am sure there is SOME place on the sock they could etch a number. Like the toe, maybe. Nobody's going to see the toe of your sock anyway, unless you are wearing socks with sandals - and that's a whole other story.
Posted by oz115 at 09:48 AM | Comments (0)
March 29, 2007
For starters...
I got this quiz in my little Myspace page (how embarrassing), and I noticed something amiss right away.
Now, wouldn't a true Chicagoan know how to spell "Chicagoan"? That mistake certainly makes the results of this test suspicious, and it can't be attributed to a keyboarding error because "Chicagoan" is consistently misspelled. Way to go, quizmaster!
Anyway, I took the test, and I did allright, I suppose:
You're the tour guide! You know this city so well you could be booking vacation packages for tourists. From parties, hotels, bars, to shopping...you know the ins and outs...even the 3am burrito stops. And more than likely you're not going anywhere since you love this city so much!
Are you a true Chicagoean?
Quizzes for MySpace
Not bad for 5 years in the city, eh?
Posted by oz115 at 10:04 PM | Comments (1)
Well-Regarded Eight, Part Two
Yesterday we saw Studs Terkel and Abraham Lincoln advance to the Penultimate Four, and today we will find out what other two lucky contestants will join them. Let's get to the results, shall we?
Pop Culture Region: #1 Chewbacca 83, #7 Marty McFly 77. Either of these are worthy winners, but the walking carpet is simply too much for the teenage time traveler. In the pantheon of legendary movie characters, surely Marty McFly is near the top, but not as near the top as Chewie. A quick internet search reveals Chewbacca has an officially licensed action figure, but Marty McFly does not. Also, Chewbacca's moans and growls are far more quotable than McFly gems like, "this is heavy."
Miscellaneous Region: #3 Frank Sinatra 76, #5 Will Ferrell 71. Ring-a-ding-ding! Sinatra defeats Ferrell, mostly on the strength of his cross-generational appeal. I love Will Ferrell, but people of a certain age must surely find his antics tiresome. Sinatra, on the other hand, kept the masses from 8 to 80 happy. Also, Sinatra's personality matched his playboy lifestyle, while Ferrell leaves the goofiness at the office when he goes back to his wife and kids. Boring!
So, our penultimate four is now complete. Here's a look at the finalists:
Abraham Lincoln, #1, History Region
v.
Studs Terkel, #2, Chicago Region
Frank Sinatra, #3, Miscellaneous Region
v.
Chewbacca, #1, Pop Culture Region
Posted by oz115 at 10:25 AM | Comments (0)
More blenders
I don't watch 24 that much, but I think I will have to start if Chunk keeps showing up in the program:
Posted by oz115 at 08:05 AM | Comments (0)
March 28, 2007
My new dream job
I want to be this guy:
As a matter of fact, I think any guy would like to blend stuff. It' a guy thing. We love to destroy things. Some day, I want to buy a junker car for like $300 and destroy it with a sledgehammer. Why? Because I like to break stuff.
Remember when Dave Letterman used to toss TV's off the roof of the Ed Sullivan Theater? He was just doing what any guy with a large budget and a TV show would do: destroy stuff.
Hell, I even like the Limp Bizkit song, Break Stuff. Why? Cause I like to break stuff.
Posted by oz115 at 11:20 PM | Comments (0)
The Well-Regarded Eight
Time sure does fly, doesn't it? We're down to our last eight contestants, and will soon whittle the field down to four. Who will take a spot in the Penultimate Four? Let's find out who from the History and Chicago regions gets the honor!
History Region: #2 Abe Lincoln 91, #1 George Washington 88 (ot). This was a classic matchup, but in the end Lincoln wins. It's simple, really: Washington presided over the formation of the country, but Lincoln kept it together. Without his leadership during the Civil War, the country would have remained a shambles. His dedication to putting down the Southern rebellion laid the foundation for America's greatness in the 20th century. With that victory, Abraham Lincoln is the winner of the History Region!
Chicago Region: #2 Studs Terkel 67, #13 Midway Airport 60. Well, Midway had a good run, but it had to lose eventually. Midway is an airport, for heaven's sake! And Studs Terkel is a great ambassador for Chicago, and even though I love the airport, it is certainly capable of ruining someone's day. So, I have to give the edge to Studs Terkel.
So, Studs Terkel is the victor of the Chicago Region. Abraham Lincoln and Studs Terkel advance to the Penultimate Four, where they'll be joined by the winners of the Pop Culture and Miscellaneous Region. Check back for the winners there tomorrow!
Posted by oz115 at 02:20 PM | Comments (0)
March 27, 2007
Swell Sixteen, Miscellaneous region
Can you believe we are almost down to the Well-Regarded Eight? We know six of the contestants still left, so let's find out who in the Miscellaneous Region will advance.
#3 Frank Sinatra 76, #7 Heidi Klum 68. If there's one thing Sinatra could do as well as belt out a tune, it's objectify women. That didn't win him many points in the friend category, but it sure helps when you're in a fight to the death with Heidi Klum. Sinatra, the way you are looking tonight is in the Well-Regarded Eight!
#5 Will Ferrell 83, #9 Oscar the Grouch 77. The ornery Oscar's improbable run finally ends. Ferrell was simply unstoppable this round, and Oscar just wasn't as interesting a character as Ron Burgundy or Mustafa the Hitman.
So, we will soon have a winner in the Miscellaneous region. It comes down to:
#3 Frank Sinatra v. #5 Will Ferrell.
This one will get interesting.
Posted by oz115 at 10:33 AM | Comments (1)
March 26, 2007
Swell Sixteen, Pop Culture Region
So the latest news on my car is that I called the number on the note the guy left, and nobody there on the note has any idea about a car accident. Thanks a lot, assholes.
What better way to fix my sorrows than to check on some Faux March Madness results? Let's take a look at what happened in the Pop Culture Region.
#1 Chewbacca 76, #5 Danny Ocean 70. There's no stopping Chewie. No matter how resourceful Danny Ocean may be, he can't outrun the big Wookie. Sometimes it is wisest to know when you are beat. Or, as C3PO said aboard the Millennium Falcon, "let the Wookie win."
#7 Marty McFly 68, #6 Slash 64. McFly is all smiles after his latest victory. Slash is a legendary guitarist, but he simply does not have the cultural impact of Marty's Back to the Future escapades.
So, the last two in the Pop Culture region form this interesting matchup:
#1 Chewbacca v. #7 Marty McFly.
Dynamite!
Posted by oz115 at 01:23 PM | Comments (0)
Not my day
I came home from the airport this morning and as I turned the corner onto my street, the above sight greeted me. Luckily there was a note on my windshield, saying what happened and how to contact him. I tried calling the guy, but didn't get an answer. This is the second time poor Yoshi has gotten nailed by a reckless driver. What a world!
Posted by oz115 at 09:41 AM | Comments (1)
March 25, 2007
Go home
I promised something lighter, didn't I? If you didn't read my last post, read it, fool. Here's the story: I went to the Columbus/St. Louis hockey game today, mostly because it was an opportunity to see my long-lost second cousin (I think) play some professional hockey.
During the second intermission, they lined up ten pucks in front of the goal, and then a fellow in a Subway sandwich costume trudges out on the ice, followed by a vaguely familiar figure in dorky khakis and button-down shirt.
"Please welcome," intoned the host, "from Subway, Mr. Jared Fogle!" You know Jared, don't you? He's the guy who lost 200 lbs by walking and eating nothing but Subway. He waved to the crowd, and guess what the crowd did? It booed him! The crowd booed Jared Fogle! It was hilarious!
I am not sure why Jared inspires animosity, but he does. He annoys me. I think it is because he is almost omnipresent, as in, "look at me, I lost a billion pounds just by eating Subway!" and I'm going to be in a TV ad every 30 seconds. Who the hell could eat that much Subway and not get bored out of his mind?
Anyway, Jared was there to promote something or other, and to win stuff for a lucky row of fans. All he had to do was shoot ten pucks into the goal from a distance of about 30-40 feet. Well, he made 8, displaying typical non-hockey player form. The host decided to give the row of fans the prize anyway.
I captured the above grainy image as he strolled off the ice. The yellow guy on the left is the Subway costume guy, in the middle is Blue Jacket's mascot Stinger, and Jared is on the right. I have to say, I am completely amused at Jared getting booed.
That's what you get for being successful in this country. Jared is the Fall Out Boy of weight loss spokespeople: hated for his accomplishments.
Posted by oz115 at 10:03 PM | Comments (0)
The morning sun is shining like a red rubber ball
Allright, well I have something to get off my chest. Normally we here at the Squealer try not to be too serious, but much like Bernie Mac in that new movie, or Robin Williams in Good Will Hunting, I want to try something a little dramatic.
A little more than a year ago, I started to feel not so good. I was always nervous, and always worried. I didn't enjoy doing anything, nor did I enjoy being around other people. I'd sit in my house all day, laying on the couch. I'd go to school, and stare blankly into space. One day it all came crashing down on me, and I sank into a deep, unrelenting sadness. I withdrew from everyone and everything. I laid on the floor, facedown, crying for hours. I blamed people for problems that weren't their fault. I blamed something for problems with something else that were completely unrelated. I blamed everybody but myself.
It cost me a lot of things. It cost me jobs, and money, and time. It cost me friends. It cost me Christy, the best thing to ever happen to me. And for the longest time, I didn't even want help, nor think anything could help. I figured this was how adults with high-stress occupations (in my case, law student trying to score all A's) are supposed to feel.
It's pretty clear to me now that I was severely depressed. Not melancholy, or even a temporary recession. I was depressed, with a capital D. But I didn't want help, and I was ashamed to think I even needed help. I lost fifteen pounds because I wasn't even eating. I was a shriveled, abandoned shell of my former self, mentally and physically. My mind wandered to thoughts about killing myself almost every day.
Finally, last July I got the help I needed and started taking anti-depressants. I am not going to lie and say they are miracle drugs, but they are working for me. I don't consider myself depressed anymore. I feel happy, and buoyant, and even-keeled. I gained back the weight I lost - not that I necessarily needed it to come back! Yes, there are times I feel sad, but I know they will subside. It's expected to be sad sometimes, but not all of the time. Just like you can't be happy all of the time, you can't be sad all of the time either.
Nevertheless, whatever the future holds for me, I am prepared for it, and not worried. I have hope where previously there was none. I can't put into words how overjoyed I was the first time I woke up and didn't feel overwhelming dread at the coming day. It's glorious, to be at the very bottom of your feelings and then to feel yourself pulling out of that.
I guess the reasons I'm posting this now are twofold: to get my little secret out in the open, and to let somebody who may be in the same situation know there is hope. I expect most people who read this site know what I was going through, but maybe not the extent of it. Well I am here to say it was pretty rough, and anybody I ever hurt going through this, I am truly, deeply sorry because I should have gotten help sooner. I ruined a lot of things the past year or so, and I'm still trying to recover from that.
Otherwise, maybe you're reading this and thinking, "hey, that sounds like me!" If you are, think about it a little deeper. Has it been going on for a long time? Are you worried about your life? It's not a bad thing to admit you have a problem. You CAN feel better. That's all, really.
Now that I have that rather unhappy story out in the air, let's go back to our regularly scheduled programming, shall we?
Posted by oz115 at 09:35 PM | Comments (0)
March 23, 2007
The Swell Sixteen, History and Chicago regions
Now that the second round is over, I think it's time to check out the results for the Swell Sixteen in the History and Chicago regions. Who will advanced to the Well-Regarded Eight? Let's find out!
History Region
#1 George Washington 76, #5 Thomas Edison 72. George Washington takes down the Wizard of Menlo Park. Without Washington, America probably doesn't do so hot in the Revolution, and we wind up with a different country than the one we have. Sorry, Edison. I do like that light bulb, though.
#2 Abraham Lincoln 77, #11 Johannes Gutenberg 72. Not a tough match for Abe. I give Gutenberg props for inventing the printing press, but Lincoln goes far beyond that. The Gettysburg Address is the stuff of legend, and he wrote the thing in a very short time span. Gutenberg's best piece of work? The Gutenberg Bible. He didn't even write that!
So, the inevitable has occurred in the History Region. The two teams to advance to the Well-Regarded Eight are the top two seeds, #1 George Washington and #2 Abe Lincoln. Who will win this veritable clash of the titans?
Chicago Region
#13 Chicago Midway 72, #1 Dr. Phil 68. Down goes Big Phil! He was obviously a very powerful contestant, but Midway exposes his flaws. I bet you never would've thought an airport could defeat Dr. Phil, but I always have doubts about Doctors who go by their first name. You can bet if I was a doctor, ain't nobody calling me Dr. Tim. Anyway, I stand by the fact that Midway is convenient and has a lovely terminal, not to mention hilarious security announcements made with the most stereotypical Chicago accent I've ever heard. Dr. Phil is a fad, who will soon fade away. He's clinging on for dear life, but I think his act will wear thin eventually. If it can happen to Arsenio Hall, it can happen to Dr. Phil! Midway, meanwhile, is turning into the George Mason of this year's tournament.
#2 Studs Terkel 74, #11 Ferris Bueller 73. What a close duel, but the fun-loving Ferris can't match up to Studs. Studs is a guy whose done it all and seen it all, and while Ferris is fond of saying, "Life moves fast, if you don't look around once in awhile, you might miss it," Terkel has actually done it.
So, in this bracket we have the intriguing match-up of #2 Studs Terkel v. #13 Chicago Midway.
Check back Monday for more results!
Posted by oz115 at 10:25 AM | Comments (0)
March 22, 2007
Second round, Miscellaneous region
I'm in a charitable (bored) mood tonight, so let's find out what happened in the second round of the Miscellaneous region. It was a bad day to be a high seed in this portion of the tournament.
#9 Oscar the Grouch 65, #1 Martha Stewart 62. The green furry guy bounces Martha, the only top seed to be eliminated so far. It was simply bound to happen. Oscar, as all Sesame Street characters are, is beloved. Martha is beloved by a certain segment too, but loathed by just as many. Popular sentiment for Oscar is too much for Martha to handle. She could probably redecorate Oscar's garbage can, though, in her spare time.
#7 Heidi Klum 88, #2 Bill O'Reilly 84. And now the top two seeds in this region are done. Much like Martha Stewart, Bill O'Reilly sparks a lot of controversy. Heidi Klum, however, only sparks controversy in that roommates must argue over who gets to look at her in the SI Swimsuit issue. In fact, the only thing keeping O'Reilly in it is his persistent attacks charging that a German like Klum shouldn't be allowed to win. But that is not enough.
#3 Frank Sinatra 65, #6 Oscar Wilde 64. Sinatra stays alive. Oscar Wilde, simply put, doesn't have fame on his side. Sure he's famous, but not as famous as Sinatra. And I get the feeling that if 70 year old Sinatra met a hopped-up Wilde in a bar fight, Oscar Wilde would leave on a stretcher.
#5 Will Ferrell 76, #13 Christina Aguilera 72. Tough times for Xtina. We all love Will Ferrell, and Ferrell's ability to make us laugh is far more useful than Christina's attempts to pierce every part of her body while somehow attempting to bring back the 40's. Too inconsistent of a message, for my tastes.
Thus, our Swell Sixteen matchups turn out like this:
#3 Frank Sinatra v. #7 Heidi Klum.
#5 Will Ferrell v. #9 Oscar the Grouch.
Click here for the updated bracket. [PDF]
Posted by oz115 at 07:54 PM | Comments (0)
Faux March Madness, Pop Culture Region
Let's take a look-see at the results from the second round in the Pop Culture region!
#1 Chewbacca 78, #8 Maxwell Smart 66. Chewie swats aside Agent 86. He may be a big hairy Wookie, but he's got brains. The guy can fix the Millennium Falcon! Smart, on the other hand, gets himself into all kinds of situations that would be fatal to any normal man. His luck runs out this time.
#7 Marty McFly 79, #2 Janis Joplin 78 (ot). This was a tough one. In the end, I think McFly's time-traveling accomplishments far outweighed Joplin's real ones, and I have to give at least a 2-to-1 ration to real accomplishments. So that's how McFly barely survives. Also, because we don't know if the events of Back to the Future are truly fictional (how would we KNOW that Doc Brown didn't really invent a time machine and alter history??? After all, we wouldn't be able to perceive it), I am forced to give Marty McFly credit for inventing rock-n-roll.
#6 Slash 78, #14 Janice Dickinson 68. So, two 14 seeds made it out of the first round, but both get knocked out in the second round. Slash is a rock legend, and Janice Dickinson is a super-modeling legend. She claims to have been the first real supermodel, but we all know the term goes back at least to Twiggy. At least Slash isn't a liar. He also has a sense of humor.
#5 Danny Ocean 67, #13 Data from Goonies 64. This comes down to one simple truth: Danny Ocean is the main man, and Data is a supporting character. For example, were Ocean and Data to be involved in a criminal enterprise - supposing a 12 year old does such things, Data would occupy some sort of gadget guru role, in which I have no doubt he would do extremely well. That boxing glove coming out of his chest thing? Awesome. But he'd have no direction were not for a mastermind like Danny Ocean. And that's why he advances to the Swell Sixteen.
So, our Swell Sixteen pairings in the Pop Culture region are these:
#1 Chewbacca v. #5 Danny Ocean.
#6 Slash v. #7 Marty McFly.
What a tournament this is shaping up to be!
Posted by oz115 at 07:23 PM | Comments (0)
March 21, 2007
Chicago region, second round
There are all sorts of things afoot in the Chicago region. Who is advancing to the Swell Sixteen?
#1 Dr. Phil 75, #8 Eric Zorn 64. A tough loss for the Tribune's arbiter of moderateness. Dr. Phil's tough-love approach gets him another victory, not to mention the millions of people who subscribe to his theories... whether or not they actually work.
#2 Studs Terkel 87, #7 John Wayne Gacy 75. Not much to say here. Studs has had a long, distinguished career, and Gacy's "career" wasn't nearly as long nor as distinguished. No, not so much.
#11 Ferris Bueller 69, #3 Jennifer Hudson 66. Ferris advances to the Swell Sixteen! "J-Hud" works so hard to get where she is, and Ferris works so hard at doing nothing. You have to admire that, and I'd take Ferris' rendition of Danke Schein over anything on American Idol.
#13 Chicago Midway 67, #5 Lovie Smith 60. Midway's been a Chicago institution for years, while Lovie has been a Chicago institution for about two years. If he manages to win the Super Bowl, he'll be a real institution. However, until that time, there will continue to be only two types of Bears coaches: Ditka, and not Ditka.
So, for those keeping score at home, here's the Swell Sixteen matchups in the Chicago region:
#1 Dr. Phil v. #13 Chicago Midway.
#2 Studs Terkel v. #11 Ferris Bueller.
Posted by oz115 at 09:41 PM | Comments (0)
Faux March Madness, second round
Time flies, doesn't it? Here's the results from the second round in the history region! The prize: a coveted spot in the Swell Sixteen.
#1 George Washington 68, #8 Marie Curie 65. Washington marches on, narrowly dispatching Curie. Curie played quite a significant role in history, but not as much as Washington, who managed to hold the redcoats at bay during the Revolution.
#2 Abraham Lincoln 84, #7 Genghis Khan 76. Honest Abe has few problems with Khan. Genghis Khan was a fierce, maniacal leader, but he was a bit one-dimensional. Lincoln, I think, was more inspirational than Khan.
#11 Gutenberg 73, #14 Amelia Earhart 66. Earhart's potential Cinderell a run, uh, fails to get off the ground. Gutenberg, as I mentioned, sparked all kinds of revolutions with his printer press. Earhart's feats were cool, but not very monumental.
#5 Thomas Edison 77, #13 John Marshall 75. Another near upset, but as important as a fellow like the Chief Justice is, he couldn't match the accomplishments of Edison. I mean, sure, Marshall's decisions form nearly the whole basis for the basic way the United States runs (why yes, it could be much crappier!), but Edison gave us the light bulb. And movies. Now THAT's important!
So, these four fine competitors will meet up in the Swell Sixteen:
#1 George Washington v. #5 Thomas Edison.
#2 Abraham Lincoln v. #11 Johannes Gutenberg.
Here's an updated bracket. [PDF] Check back later for more results from Faux March Madness!
Posted by oz115 at 12:51 PM | Comments (0)
My calling
I think I found a contest for me to enter:
Stella!!! Competition
Peggy Kinnane's Irish Pub
8 N. Vail Ave.
Arlington Heights,IL
Dress up like Marlon Brando and perfect your "Stella!!!" yell, and you could win prizes including rountrip U.S. airfare for two, a six-month supply of Stella Artois beer, dinner for two at Peggy Kinnane's and tickets to "A Streetcar Named Desire."
I have to admit, the first time I read Streetcar Named Desire, I didn't quite get was going on. Then I rented the movie, which I was happy to say was very faithful to the actual play. It left me with two main points: Stanley Kowalski was one crazy mofo; and what the heck happened to Marlon Brando?
Posted by oz115 at 12:17 PM | Comments (1)
March 20, 2007
Faux March Madness, Miscellaneous Region
Well it's time to see who the winners are in the first round of the Miscellaneous Region. Are there any upsets to be had this time around?
#1 Martha Stewart 68, #16 Rachael Ray 63. This was probably the closest of the 1/16 matchups, but Martha is simply too powerful. I love Rachael Ray, I really do, but Martha is the undisputed domestic queen. Rachael Ray, really, all she can do is cook. Martha does everything. She ain't the number 1 seed for nothing.
#2 Bill O'Reilly 59, #15 Ann Coulter 52. Neither of these two really deserve to win, but I have to take Bill O'Reilly because, unlike Ann Coulter, he doesn't resort exclusively to petty name calling and inflammatory statements. Or, put another way, Coulter is an act and O'Reilly seems to really believe what he says. You can fake your way through political punditry, but not Faux March Madness.
#3 Frank Sinatra 69, #14 Neil Diamond 62. The Chairman of the Board defeats The Jewish Elvis. Now, I prefer Neil Diamond's music to Sinatra's, but Sinatra is the total package. Whether it's mob affiliations, drunken escapades or simply being a Rat Packer, he's a prototypical bad boy. However, Sinatra SNL sketches are about as equally comical as Neil Diamond SNL sketches.
#13 Christina Aguilera 69, #4 Britney Spears 52. Oh poor Britney, she was severely overhyped. It looked for awhile that Britney Spears was going to come out of her early twenties unscathed, but then she went into a downward spiral of babies, drugs, white trash boyfriend's and Paris Hilton. Christina, on the other hand, has significantly classed up her image, kept her marriage going, and leads a relatively normal life at this point. Britney needs to get her ass in rehab and stay there.
#5 Will Ferrell 72, #12 Ben Stiller 66. Will Ferrell may as well be the king of comedies at this point, and Stiller can't seem to buy a hit. Strange comedies like Anchorman and Ricky Bobby have kept Ferrell flying high, but Ben Stiller is trudging along in unimpressive fare like A Night at the Museum. I bet he longs for the days of There's Something About Mary.
#6 Oscar Wilde 68, #11 Samuel Taylor Coleridge 60. These drug-addled poets/playwrights sure duked it out, but I have to give the edge to Oscar Wilde for his larger body of work, and for getting thrown in jail for gross indecency. Also, Rime of the Ancient Mariner was crazy.
#7 Heidi Klum 73, #10 Cindy Crawford 68. I guess this is all about preferences, but I'm a Heidi Klum man. Heidi married Seal, Cindy married Richard Gere. I just don't know what to say about a woman who'd marry Richard Gere. Yeah he was Sexiest Man Alive or something, but he's still Richard Gere.
#9 Oscar the Grouch 67, #8 Big Bird 64. Big Bird is, well, a big stupid bird, while Oscar the Grouch is totally cool, because he lives in a garbage can and is sure to have a heart of gold down there somewhere. Also, Oscar was my favorite Sesame Street character growing up.
So, not many upsets there. Here's the second round matchups for the Miscellaneous Region:
#1 Martha Stewart v. #9 Oscar the Grouch.
#2 Bill O'Reilly v. #7 Heidi Klum.
#3 Frank Sinatra v. #6 Oscar Wilde.
#5 Will Ferrell v. #13 Christina Aguilera.
Check back tomorrow, when we'll begin to find out who is going to the Swell Sixteen!
Posted by oz115 at 10:43 AM | Comments (0)
Don't quit your day job
Nobody likes a robbery, but I like stupid ones even less. Stupidity immediately came to mind when I read this story:
A woman afflicted with multiple sclerosis was attacked at a Denver convenience store, and the whole thing was caught on tape.
Security camera video shows the woman's purse being stolen by another woman inside the store.
Police said the victim then followed the purse thief to her getaway car and tried to get her purse back, but the thief sped away.
Apart from the obvious evilness of robbing a woman with MS, here's where the stupidity comes in. The woman was able to get to the getaway car to accost the thieves. If you look at the video of the incident (available at the news link), you'll see that the thief steals the purse, then runs out to a car in the parking lot. The victim then walks out to the car, and is subsequently dragged away when her arm gets stuck in the window.
How incompetent are these thieves that a woman with MS is able to walk all the way to the car and reach it, before they are able to get away? I timed the video. It took the the woman about 15 seconds to get to the car after the purse was stolen, which is more than enough time to escape, especially considering there's a getaway driver! But instead, they fudge around so much that a woman with MS, who can barely walk, is able to catch them.
I hope they get caught and put in jail, if only to see if their escape skills improve once they wind up in a prison shower room.
Posted by oz115 at 10:30 AM | Comments (0)
March 19, 2007
Dumber than I was this morning
I think I've found the worst show on TV. I'm flipping through channels, and I see that the Bond movie "Die Another Day" is on. I think, great, I love a good Bond movie. Next thing I know, instead of reveling in Pierce Brosnan's smarminess, I'm presented with Howard Stern's girlfriend and some guy from the Sopranos playing blackjack with a couple of girls from "The Hills Have Eyes II."
That's right, it's "Casino Cinema" night on Spike TV, which consists of 30-45 second snippets of the foursome playing blackjack, with the Soprano guy asking lewd questions like "so do you get naked in this movie?" or "Would you be a Bond girl, even though you'd have to show some skin?"
I thought watching poker on TV was dumb, but not as dumb as watching blackjack. And it is even worse when nobody has any idea what is going on in the blackjack game. I don't know about you, but I don't want to watch girls play blackjack. I want to see Bond kick ass.
This brings me to another complaint, about Spike TV generally. Spike TV is supposed to be a TV channel just for men, but if this channel represents the male gender, I am ashamed. Apparently, as men, all I am supposed to be interested in is wrestling, Star Trek, video games, wild police chases, and maybe girls jumping on trampolines. This is not to say I don't like those things, but I like other stuff. How come Spike TV doesn't have, say, Meet The Press? Okay, I'm not really that serious, but you know what I mean. I think the above list would be a good representation of the hobbies of a 16-year-old boy, not an actual adult.
But I also suppose that the women's TV channels don't adequately represent women, either. I'm not a woman, so I don't know for sure, but there has to be more to womanhood than home makeovers, The Golden Girls, and a woman's crusade to get back her kidnapped baby. Or maybe that is all there is to it. Clearly I know nothing about women anyway, so what's one more thing not to know?
Posted by oz115 at 09:27 PM | Comments (0)
Faux March Madness, Pop Culture Region
Well I hope everybody survived St. Patrick's Day intact. Now back to what I know you have all waited for with baited breath. More results from the first round of Faux March Madness. Let's see what happened in the Pop Culture Region.
#1 Chewbacca 88, #16 Short Round 59. No time for love, Short Round. Indy's sidekick from the Temple of Doom is no match to the Wookiee. 'Tis a shame, but true. Maxim pretty much had it down when it claimed that Chewie is "essentially a big dog who can kick ass in a bar fight and fix your car."
#2 Janis Joplin 74, #15 Kelly Clarkson 68. Since You've Been Gone may be a great pop song, but Kelly's got nothing on Janis Joplin. Okay, well maybe Kelly is hotter, but that's about it. Somebody buy me a Mercedes Benz!
#14 Janice Dickinson 79, #3 Paula Abdul 78 (ot). This is a battle of mentally unstable TV personalities, and JD pulls off the upset. Paula Abdul is just too nice, and both of these women's drug-addled ramblings are a sight to see. But Janice comes out on top because she adds a dash of truculence and bitchiness to her behavior.
#13 Data from "The Goonies" 66, #4 Data from "Star Trek" 59. It just occured to me that Data and Short Round are played by the same actor. Luckily he doesn't take an o-fer in the tournament, as Goonies Data takes out Star Trek Data. Okay, ST Data is an android, a cyber organism with stupendous mental and physical capacities. But as a machine, he has no passion, and you need passion to win. Goonies Data wins with a stellar combination of wits and "boobie traps."
#5 Danny Ocean 67, #12 Charlie Croker 50. It's a battle of two heist kingpins, and Danny Ocean sends the "Italian Job" ringleader home without much worry. If I needed someone to pull of a bank heist (or maybe an art theft), I'm calling Danny Ocean, not Mark Wahlberg's motley group of pals. This victory was almost a foregone conclusion.
#6 Slash 70, #11 Richie Sambora 63. Now I know some of you will protest that Richie Sambora should win because he managed to marry Heather Locklear. Well, maybe I am not old enough, but that doesn't do it for me. But I'll tell you what does do it for me: Slash' hard-partying, death-defying ways. That man has done enough drinking for three lifetimes. He is like a younger Keith Richards.
#7 Marty McFly 69, #10 Sam Beckett 64. These two reluctant time-travelers face off, and McFly comes out on top. Marty singlehandedly managed to turn around the fortunes of the McFly family and the city of Hill Valley. Sam Beckett, the protagonist of Quantum Leap, found himself in a new situation and new body every week, and always managed to fix the situation. Like anyone's gonna believe that.
#8 Maxwell Smart 75, #9 Gomer Pyle 68. It's a miracle one of these two bumblers managed to win at all, but Smart emerges the winner. Not only did he battle KAOS, he somehow managed to score Agent 99. Well played, Maxwell. Well played.
So there you have it. The matchups for the next round look a little like this:
#1 Chewbacca v. #8 Maxwell Smart.
#2 Janis Joplin v. #7 Marty McFly.
#5 Danny Ocean v. #13 Goonies Data.
#6 Slash v. #14 Janice Dickinson.
Check back tomorrow, friends, for the results from the Miscellaneous Region!
Posted by oz115 at 12:03 AM | Comments (0)
March 17, 2007
Happy St. Patrick's Day
If there is a quote that best summarizes St. Patrick's Day in Chicago, it's Tommy Lee Jones's deputy in "The Fugitive" observing that, "if they can dye the river green today, why can't they dye it blue the other 364 days of the year?" True that.
Since I can't find a clip of that particular scene, enjoy this other bit from The Fugitive.
Posted by oz115 at 09:20 AM | Comments (0)
March 16, 2007
I am so proud
This story warrants a break from the Faux March Madness. You know, I love any chance I can get to pump up my Ohio roots. This young man does every Central Ohioan proud:
The multitude of charges filed recently against a Nelsonville teen has astonished prosecutors, some of whom have practiced law since before he was born.
Andrew Riley, 13, is charged with 128 felonies, in Athens County Juvenile Court. They include burglary, theft, vandalism and witness intimidation. The delinquency charges stem from a crime spree that has lasted more than a year, authorities said.
"In my 30 years of doing this, I’ve never had a juvenile that young with so many charges," Athens County Prosecutor C. David Warren said last night.
Nelsonville police, who continue to investigate the crime spree, have accused Riley of breaking into several homes and businesses, even stealing checks from elderly citizens, Warren said.
At least three other youths, one of them 10 years old, have been charged in the investigation, he said.
"It’s a multitude. This isn’t kid stuff. … He gave a severe beating to one of the witnesses who turned him in," Warren said.
I used to hear all kinds of scary stories about juvie. There was once this girl in junior high school who had done some kind of bad thing, and had to wear one of those ankle monitor bracelets. That girl scared the pants off me. But it sounds to me like the kid above will rule the roost at juvie.
Speaking of ankle bracelets, my brother's roommate got himself a DUI and received house arrest as punishment. It's the last semester of his senior year, and he has to spend it on house arrest with an ankle bracelet! I would also guess he isn't allowed to drink alcohol. Poor bastard.
Posted by oz115 at 11:59 AM | Comments (1)
Faux March Madness, Chicago Region
Let's take a look at what happened in the Chicago region, shall we?
#1 Dr. Phil 83, #16 John C. Reilly 80. You know, I was really tempted to call this an upset, but Dr. Phil is simply a dynamo. Why is he so powerful? It's simple, really: He's got the O. I'm talking about Oprah. Oprahness is next to godliness, and when you have Oprah backing you up, not even John C. Reilly can withstand the assault. Reilly also loses (or maybe gains) points for parlaying success in Chicago to serious acting roles like Will Ferrell's sidekick in Talladega Nights.
#2 Studs Terkel 69, #15 Mike Royko 64. Allright, I'll admit it. Royko doesn't deserve a 15 seed, nor an early round exit at the hands of Studs Terkel. Studs Terkel IS Chicago, and still going strong even though he's in his 90's. Royko has a similar legacy, not to mention a love for 16-inch softball that goes beyond reasonable.
#3 Jennifer Hudson 73, #14 Bonnie Hunt 69. Poor old Bonnie Hunt. She gets no respect. Her sitcoms keep tanking, while upstart Jennifer Hudson gets booted off American Idol and somehow pockets an Academy Award. That is the stuff legends are made of.
#13 Midway Airport 78, #4 O'Hare Airport 72. An upset! I have a bad feeling I used this matchup years ago, but it remains the same. O'Hare may be the big brother of Chicago airports, but it's a POS compared to little old MDW. Midway has a Ben and Jerry's in the terminal, for heaven's sake! You don't have to take a creepy HAL-style monorail to get to that terminal, nor do you need a degree in engineering to find your gate. Plus, MDW has that neighborhood charm, like the guys at the offramp from the Stevenson who are selling packages of socks. O'Hare, meanwhile, has Rosemont and its creepy mayor, Donald E Stephens.
#5 Lovie Smith 82, #12 Ozzie Guillen 71. No upset here. This town had love affairs with both the White Sox and Bears, and their respective coaches received lots of plaudits. Unfortunately, Ozzie is a foul-mouthed, combative sort who somehow manages to keep his job. At least the worst thing people can say about Lovie is his loyalty to Rex Grossman.
#11 Ferris Bueller 75, #6 Jake Blues 71. So I watched Blues Brothers for the first time recently, and it was very entertaining. But Ferris Bueller is in Chicago movie royalty, and Jake functions better as a team with his brother Elwood. Cameron Fry, sidekick to Ferris, is more vestigal than anything else. Also, his dad had a hot car.
#7 John Wayne Gacy 64, #10 H.H. Holmes 60. Insert serial killer reference joke here. This was a tough one, as both these serial killers are way high in the creepiness factor. Let's see, constructing a murder mansion or holding a day job as a clown? The clown wins, as the horror movie cliche is just too apparent. Yikes!
#8 Eric Zorn 74, #9 Jay Mariotti 69. Oh, poor Jay Mariotti. He gets dumped in the tournament in the opening round, just like his archenemy Ozzie Guillen. Perhaps he will write a column lambasting this tournament. Zorn, on the other hand, will also write a column calling March Madness stupid, and suggest it should be moved to February for some reason or another.
So those are the results from the first round of the Chicago Region. Our second round matchups, with a spot in the Swell Sixteen at stake, look like this:
#1 Dr. Phil v. #8 Eric Zorn.
#2 Studs Terkel v. #7 John Wayne Gacy.
#3 Jennifer Hudson v. #11 Ferris Bueller.
#5 Lovie Smith v. #13 Midway Airport.
Posted by oz115 at 09:22 AM | Comments (1)
March 15, 2007
Faux March Madness, History Region
Let's take a look at the results from the first round of the Faux March Madness Tournament. First up, we have the History Region. Not many surprises here.
#1 George Washington 88, #16 George III 65. The King gets a pounding, as the Father of Our Country takes the mental unbalanced monarch to the woodshed. What else would you expect from the guy who lost the American colonies and saw fit to add Ireland to the UK? Good job with that one, George.
#8 Marie Curie 75, #9 Wilhelm Roentgen 72. This was a much closer affair. They both have Nobel Prizes, after all. Roentgen discovered the X-ray and made all sorts of advances, but Marie Curie has a little something extra: name recognition and that feminine mystique. Not too mention she was Albert's love interest in Young Einstein.
#5 Thomas Edison 79, #12 Alexander Graham Bell 70. Another close one. Edison wins for the sheer number of inventions he patented, including that doozy of a light bulb. What did Bell give us? The telephone. Fat lot of good that thing has done us lately, with the possible exception of booty calls. I guess that is good. Not that I would know.
#13 Chief Justice John Marshall 66, #4 Hammurabi 59. Our first real upset! Hammurabi gets credit for creating the first modern system of justice, but who really likes that eye for an eye crap? Marshall, meanwhile, asserted the power of judicial review that keeps Congress and the President from running roughshod over the Constitution. At least we still have that going for us.
#11 Gutenberg 77, #6 Martin Luther 74. Another upset! Gutenberg is the highly underrated inventor of the modern printing press, and his invention allowed for the mass distribution of literature for the first time. What'd Luther do with that power? Started the Protestant Revolution, of course. Thanks, Luther, that didn't create centuries of sectarian violence or anything.
#14 Amelia Earhart 64, #3 Charles Lindbergh 63. Ouch! Down goes the 3 seed. Flying across the Atlantic solo was pretty cool, I won't lie. But Amelia Earhart was one ballsy lady, and the whole disappearing without a trace thing seals the deal. And what'd Lindbergh do after his incredible feat? Get his baby kidnapped... Bra-vo.
#7 Genghis Khan 82, #10 Hannibal 73. This wasn't very close. Khan was a maniac of the first degree, raising hell all throughout the east. Hannibal had a good run, but that whole elephants in the Alps thing didn't make much sense. In the end, the Romans simply whooped his ass.
#2 Abraham Lincoln 77, #15 U.S. Grant 70. Grant probably didn't deserve such a low seed, but it doesn't matter in the end. Grant's meat-grinder tactics may have won the Civil War, but only because Lincoln gave him the power. And Lincoln managed to keep the country from falling apart during the war. Plus, Grant was not known as a very pleasant fellow, while Lincoln had a highly-regarded personality. As last year's contestant Jules Winnfield would say, personality goes a long way.
So those are the results. The second round of the History Region features these intriguing matchups:
#1 George Washington v. #8 Marie Curie.
#5 Thomas Edison v. #13 John Marshall.
#11 Johannes Gutenberg v. #14 Amelia Earhart.
#2 Abraham Lincoln v. #7 Genghis Khan.
Dizamn! Check back tomorrow for the results of the Chicago Region.
Posted by oz115 at 09:20 AM | Comments (0)
March 14, 2007
Faux March Madness, 2007
Allright, I know you've all been hanging on the edge of your seats for the pairings in this year's edition of the Faux March Madness tournament. Wait no more, friends! Here they are:
Chicago Region
#1 Dr. Phil v. #16 John C. Reilly
#2 Studs Terkel v. #15 Mike Royko
#3 Jennifer Hudson v. #14 Bonnie Hunt
#4 O'Hare Airport v. #13 Midway Airport
#5 Lovie Smith v. #12 Ozzie Guillen
#6 Jake Blues v. #11 Ferris Bueller
#7 John Wayne Gacy v. #10 H.H. Holmes
#8 Eric Zorn v. #9 Jay Mariotti
History Region
#1 George Washington v. #16 George III
#2 Abraham Lincoln v. #15 Ulysses S. Grant
#3 Charles Lindbergh v. #14 Amelia Earhart
#4 Hammurabi v. #13 Chief Justice John Marshall
#5 Thomas Edison v. #12 Alexander Graham Bell
#6 Martin Luther v. #11 Johannes Gutenberg
#7 Genghis Khan v. #10 Hannibal
#8 Marie Curie v. #9 Thomas Roentgen
Pop Culture Region
#1 Chewbacca v. #16 Short Round
#2 Janis Joplin v. #15 Kelly Clarkson
#3 Paula Abdul v. #14 Janice Dickinson
#4 Data (Star Trek) v. #13 Data (Goonies)
#5 Danny Ocean v. #12 Charlie Croker
#6 Slash v. #11 Richie Sambora
#7 Marty McFly v. #10 Sam Beckett
#8 Maxwell Smart v. #9 Gomer Pyle
Miscellaneous Region
#1 Martha Stewart v. #16 Rachael Ray
#2 Bill O'Reilly v. #15 Ann Coulter
#3 Frank Sinatra v. #14 Neil Diamond
#4 Britney Spears v. #13 Christina Aguilera
#5 Will Ferrell v. #12 Ben Stiller
#6 Oscar Wilde v. #11 Samuel Taylor Coleridge
#7 Heidi Klum v. #10 Cindy Crawford
#8 Big Bird v. #9 Oscar the Grouch
Here's a PDF of the bracket if you want to play along at home.
So there you have it, people. Who do you think the winners will be? Remember, the History Region has produced 2 out of the past three winners, so #1 George Washington has to be looking good. But, as always, no wagering; this is a family website.
Posted by oz115 at 09:24 PM | Comments (2)
March 13, 2007
I have been ripped off
I was somehow amused to see these guys on the Today Show the other day. They've deigned to create an entire book of contests using what else but the NCAA Tournament bracket to decide what is the best of everything. Does that sound familiar at all? Of course not! Not only have I been running Faux March Madness since 2004, there have been scads of other people running tournaments of this nature. ESPN does a few every year, as does the Red Eye, as do other people.
So I guess my only complaint is that these guys seem to maybe be taking credit for using NCAA Tournament brackets to decide important pop culture questions. The only thing they should get credit for is actually being ballsy enough to publish a whole book about it!
Anyway, that said, it's almost time for the Fourth Annual Southport Squealer Faux March Madness tournament. Here's a rundown of the previous tournaments:
2004 - Champion: Ben Franklin. Runner-Up: Marv Levy.
2005 - Champion: Henry VIII. Runner-Up: Phil Jackson.
2006 - Champion: Steve McQueen. Runner-Up: Queen Elizabeth I.
Who in blazes will win this time around? Before we can know, we need a field! Well, check back tomorrow, where I will reveal the 64 contestants in the 2007 edition of the tournament. Can you FEEL the excitement? I know I can!
Posted by oz115 at 10:21 AM | Comments (0)
March 09, 2007
Harumpfh
I was out last night for a friend's birthday, and one of his friends said something that got my dander up. Like me, he's in law school, and he opined that investment bankers and physicians have superiority complexes, but when they get in trouble, they come running to the lawyers. Then he said that a professor of his said the next time somebody tries to pull off the better-than-thou attitude, he can remind them that in 1776, when Washington was crossing the Delaware River, doctors tried to cure his fever by putting leaches on him. On the other hand, lawyers were busy writing the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution.
Luckily I'm a peaceable sort, so I didn't smack him upside the head, because that statement is wrong on so many levels. Sure, there are physicians with massive egos. I know some of them. But there's just as many who are nice, agreeable, and friendly people. Likewise, there are lawyers who are sons-of-bitches like none other. Meanwhile, sure, doctors were putting leeches on people as medical treatment in the 18th century, but what were the highly advanced lawyers doing at the time? Oh, they were creating laws that didn't allow women to buy property without their husband's permission, they saw no problem with declaring other human beings to be nothing but chattels, and they decided cases on the basis that women were incompetent. They also wrote the Articles of Confederation, and we know how well that one worked out.
I guess my point is, there certainly was some backwards medicine being practiced then, but the law wasn't exactly a shining light either. It also goes to show lawyers have a pretty big piece of the arrogant bastard pie, too.
Posted by oz115 at 10:00 AM | Comments (1)
March 08, 2007
Good riddance
It's about time this happened. If McGahee wasn't giving interviews to Penthouse where he suggested the Bills should move to Toronto, he was getting slapped with paternity suits. Not to mention he was also horrifically inconsistent on the football field. Have fun, Baltimore!
Running back Willis McGahee was traded to the Baltimore Ravens by Buffalo for three draft choices Thursday, a day after Jamal Lewis signed with Cleveland.
Two of the picks will be in this year's draft and another one next year.
McGahee, with whom the Bills had become dissatisfied, is to travel to Baltimore to meet with team officials later in the day. The Ravens expected him to take a physical either late Thursday or on Friday.
McGahee had one year left on his five-year contract with Buffalo, and had been seeking an extension.
"This is a runner who can make people miss and has the explosion and speed to take it the distance," Ravens general manager Ozzie Newsome said. "He also has the power and size to run inside. He's a viable receiver out of the backfield and is a good pass blocker, not something every back can do.
Anyway, just for the heck of it. I still can't believe he came back from this, and I have to give him credit for that.
Posted by oz115 at 01:07 PM | Comments (0)
March 07, 2007
One of those day
I have absolutely nothing to talk about today. Instead, here's an amusing "barter" proposition from Craigslist:
H&R Block coupon for pop
Reply to: sale-290177892@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-03-07, 5:35PM CST
Have a $15 coupon for H&R Block. Will trade for 20oz bottle of Coke, will consider other offers.
Why not pay $1.25 for the bottle of Coke, and then sell the H&R Block coupon for like $5. Then you have a Coke, AND $3.75. The H&R Block people would tell you that's a good deal, I think.
What a deal!
Posted by oz115 at 10:23 PM | Comments (0)
March 06, 2007
What a guy
Growing up, didn't everybody think their principal was a model citizen? I had a hard time squaring the fact that some of my teachers smoked or liked to drink beer. I expected my principals to have, uh, principles. Well, this guy doesn't.
A middle school principal was charged with dealing crystal methamphetamine after police found the drug in his school office.
John Acerra, 50, of Allentown, was arrested Tuesday in his office at Nitschmann Middle School in Bethlehem, where police said they found meth on his desk.
Police said they began investigating Acerra in early February after an informant told them that the principal was using and distributing the drug, The Morning Call newspaper reported Wednesday. Acerra was arrested in his office after allegedly selling drugs to the informant, authorities said.
Posted by oz115 at 02:56 PM | Comments (1)
March 05, 2007
Starved for ideas?
If this TV show gets picked up, the cavemen will be able to order as much roast duck with mango salsa as they want:
Those Geico "cavemen" shouldn't be so upset after all -- they may get their own television series.
ABC said Friday it had ordered a pilot for a comedy, tentatively titled "Cavemen," that features the characters used in a series of ads by the insurance company.
In the ads, cavemen appear insulted by a Geico pitchman's claim that the company's Web site is so easy to use that "even a caveman can do it."
The potential series, one of 14 pilots that will be produced by Touchstone Television this spring, features the cavemen as they "struggle with prejudice on a daily basis as they strive to live the lives of normal thirty-somethings in 2007 Atlanta."
Now it's no secret I love the Cavemen commercials, but this show can only go two ways: it's either going to be really good, or really, really awful. The show, if done properly, could be an excellent forum dealing with issues of prejudice in a humorous way - the Flintstones meet Archie Bunker, if you will. Or, it could just be one long caveman joke. The cavemen in the commercials are urbane, cultured, and thoroughly indignant and their lot in life. It certainly has the potential for great television, and I hope it fulfills its potential.
Posted by oz115 at 01:14 PM | Comments (0)
Special delivery
[Picture]
I bet there was an interesting conversation in the Larmande home after this package was delivered.
"Honey, did you, uh, order something from a, uh, medical company?"
"No, why...?" [Walks over to opened box.] "AYAGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Two packages containing human body parts — including a liver and part of a head — meant for a medical research lab instead were delivered to a home.
The body parts, sent from China, were mistakenly dropped off Thursday at Franck and Ludivine Larmande’s home by a DHL express driver who thought the bubble-wrapped items were pieces to a table.
"My husband started to unwrap one and said, ‘This is strange, it looks like a liver,’" Mrs. Larmande said. "He started the second one but stopped as soon as we saw the ear.
"Something wasn’t right. It was scary, and I’m glad I didn’t open them."
The couple called Kent County deputy sheriffs, who determined that the preserved body parts were for medical research, Lt. Roger Parent said.
Possible reasons why a person might want to order a human liver and a human head:
1. Your husband is Hannibal Lecter.
2. You are trying to recreate Frakenstein's monster.
3. Makes good fishing bait. (When my dad and I would go fishing, he used to bait the hooks with chicken liver. It was one of the most foul-smelling things ever.)
4. Want to make realistic Texas Chainsaw Massacre costume, but without killing anybody.
5. Already has preserved pancreas and feet, trying to assemble the complete set.
What other possible uses would somebody have for a human head and liver? Leave your suggestions in the comment box!
Posted by oz115 at 11:00 AM | Comments (1)
March 03, 2007
Sprechen sie deutsch?
I was at a Jimmy John's downtown yesterday, and I was in the restroom. I noticed this sign on the wall. All I know is it says "please" something. But I really want to know. Babelfish, as usual, is no help.
Posted by oz115 at 03:49 PM | Comments (2)
March 02, 2007
He's no Danny Ocean
This Hillard Jay Quint story keeps getting better and better. As if his fake magazine cover wasn't enough, he allegedly used the above picture to woo women:
In his alleged sweetheart scam, Quint claimed to be Matt Goldstein, a wealthy CEO of a California plastics company who told the women he dated in Chicago that he was looking for love and marriage. He wanted to have children soon. And, because he was so successful, Goldstein would never allow his fiance's parents to foot the wedding bill.
While treating his dates to extravagant dinners, the women say, Goldstein regaled them with stories about playing football at Yale and attending law school at Stanford. He bragged about owning an opulent condominium in Water Tower Place on Michigan Avenue.
He even mentioned that his dear friend Julia Roberts had given him the brown-and-white polka-dot dress she wore in "Pretty Woman," and that it was hanging, framed, on the wall of his Malibu office.
But Goldstein was a mirage, as were his business and property holdings, his academic credentials and his claim of being Success magazine's Achiever of the Year in 2006, officials said.
In reality, the silver-tongued lothario who was squiring women around Chicago in his white Hummer since November is Quint, a disbarred attorney who is wanted in Georgia on warrants for forgery and probation violation.
...
This week, interviews with seven women, including four who live in Chicago, paint a picture of an attentive, charismatic man who flirted by phone, sent a photograph of himself in the cockpit of a jet fighter and jokingly asked at least one woman not to break his heart.
Okay, obviously this guy has some charm. He must have something going for him if he can get so many women to throw money at him, considering he looks like a certain resident of Bedrock. Nevertheless, that jet picture is so fake, it's not even funny. I mean, instead of cutting and pasting himself into a cockpit, couldn't he have gone to an air show and gotten an actual picture there? It would have saved him the embarassment of people like me mocking him for his poor photoshopping skills.
Furthermore, I think he got a little greedy. Bidding on Arabian racehorses? Stanford Law School? Friends with Julia Roberts? Forgive me for another Ocean's 11 reference, but scams involving Julia Roberts typically don't succeed. Oh well... There's always next time, eh Hillard?
Posted by oz115 at 11:11 PM | Comments (0)
Sacrilege
When you're a Roman Catholic, one of the things that gets impressed on you from an early age is, better not eat meat on Fridays, especially during Lent. I never bought into it much, mostly because I never saw a practical difference between chicken and fish. I mean, it's still cooked flesh. Anyway, nothing says Friday in Lent like a fish fry, where the local church deep fries as much fish as possible, piles on french fries and other fried food, and serves it to the parishioners. It's a way of life in a certain city which I frequently talk about on this particular website. At any rate, some churches are backing off from the deep fried fish, apparently due to some sort of "health kick."
MACEDONIA, Ohio - For years, Lent meant huge chunks of fried fish on Fridays for George Ehrman, a longtime parishioner at Our Lady of Guadalupe in this northeast Ohio town. But the dinner plate was decidedly lighter for Ehrman at a recent Friday fish fry in the bustling parish hall: grilled salmon packed with omega-3, fiber-rich rice pilaf and green beans.
"I was happy when I found out they were offering this for the first time," said Ehrman, whose health requires him to eat a low-salt, low-fat diet. "It's very tasty, too."
Parishes have long used the Roman Catholic abstention from meat on Fridays during the Lenten season to hold fish fries that bring people together and raise money. Now with more people trying to eat healthier food, many churches are offering lighter fare, including grilled shrimp, baked fish, fresh tuna and crispy, raw vegetables.
There's still plenty of battered cod, haddock and other types of seafood submerged in oil. And there still are servings of potato-stuffed pirogi, macaroni and cheese, french fries or other heavy side dishes on parish menus.
But reduced-fat Lenten menus are popping up across the nation.
My poor grandma, who just reached the grand old age of 90, still adheres to the fish fry. The last time I was up in Buffalo, it was Friday so she had to have some fish. There are few funnier sights than a 90 year old woman putting away two pieces of deep fried cod, along with some french fries. I'd be happy just to live to be 90, and I'd be doubly happy if I also happen to still be eating fish fries when I'm 90.
Posted by oz115 at 12:47 PM | Comments (2)
March 01, 2007
A tragic day
Tomorrow a piece of Columbus legend is going away. That's right - unfortunately, the original Wendy's is closing:
The original Wendy’s restaurant that company founder Dave Thomas opened in 1969 will close Friday.
The Downtown icon, chockfull of Wendy’s memorabilia, has been losing money for years, particularly after the old Center of Science and Industry across the street closed in 1999.
"This was a painful decision," Denny Lynch, a spokesman at Wendy’s headquarters in Dublin, said yesterday after confirming the move. "The store is a walking history of the company."
Wendy’s had put off the decision to close the restaurant at 257 E. Broad St. for years, and acted only after determining that the building would require a costly upgrade.
The memorabilia will be moved to the headquarters.
Dave Thomas, who died in 2002, opened the restaurant Nov. 15, 1969, as Wendy’s Old Fashioned Hamburgers. It was named for his 8-year-old daughter, Melinda Lou, whose nickname was Wendy.
That old Wendy's was located right in downtown Columbus, and the only time we ever went to it was when we would go to COSI, which was this science museum. COSI had the coolest exhibits, like a replica of Johnny 5 from the Short Circuit movies; a fake coal mine; a "hall of time" with uplifting exhibits like the Black Death, the Civil War, and the Visigoths sacking Rome; a giant pendulum that would knock down little pins every 5 minutes; and a walk-in model of the human heart. There were plenty of others, but those were the ones I remember the most. Well, they moved COSI to a brand new, expensive location with all new exhibits, and it sucks. COSI lost a lot of personality with that move. Or it could be that I was 18 when it opened and no longer amused by a machine that would test my lung capacity. But I like to think it's just because the new one actually does suck.
Anyway, the original Wendy's was right across the street from COSI, so we would always eat lunch there and then roll over to COSI. Dave Thomas (founder of Wendy's, duh) was a bit of an icon in Columbus, and it was a sad day when he died. Wendy's doesn't have the sheer power of McDonald's or the manly appeal of Burger King, but it is still my favorite fast food chain. I think part of that was visiting the original Wendy's so often, along with the appeal of Dave Thomas. The original Wendy's may soon be gone, but the Biggie Coke will live on!
Posted by oz115 at 11:35 AM | Comments (1)