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March 25, 2007
The morning sun is shining like a red rubber ball
Allright, well I have something to get off my chest. Normally we here at the Squealer try not to be too serious, but much like Bernie Mac in that new movie, or Robin Williams in Good Will Hunting, I want to try something a little dramatic.
A little more than a year ago, I started to feel not so good. I was always nervous, and always worried. I didn't enjoy doing anything, nor did I enjoy being around other people. I'd sit in my house all day, laying on the couch. I'd go to school, and stare blankly into space. One day it all came crashing down on me, and I sank into a deep, unrelenting sadness. I withdrew from everyone and everything. I laid on the floor, facedown, crying for hours. I blamed people for problems that weren't their fault. I blamed something for problems with something else that were completely unrelated. I blamed everybody but myself.
It cost me a lot of things. It cost me jobs, and money, and time. It cost me friends. It cost me Christy, the best thing to ever happen to me. And for the longest time, I didn't even want help, nor think anything could help. I figured this was how adults with high-stress occupations (in my case, law student trying to score all A's) are supposed to feel.
It's pretty clear to me now that I was severely depressed. Not melancholy, or even a temporary recession. I was depressed, with a capital D. But I didn't want help, and I was ashamed to think I even needed help. I lost fifteen pounds because I wasn't even eating. I was a shriveled, abandoned shell of my former self, mentally and physically. My mind wandered to thoughts about killing myself almost every day.
Finally, last July I got the help I needed and started taking anti-depressants. I am not going to lie and say they are miracle drugs, but they are working for me. I don't consider myself depressed anymore. I feel happy, and buoyant, and even-keeled. I gained back the weight I lost - not that I necessarily needed it to come back! Yes, there are times I feel sad, but I know they will subside. It's expected to be sad sometimes, but not all of the time. Just like you can't be happy all of the time, you can't be sad all of the time either.
Nevertheless, whatever the future holds for me, I am prepared for it, and not worried. I have hope where previously there was none. I can't put into words how overjoyed I was the first time I woke up and didn't feel overwhelming dread at the coming day. It's glorious, to be at the very bottom of your feelings and then to feel yourself pulling out of that.
I guess the reasons I'm posting this now are twofold: to get my little secret out in the open, and to let somebody who may be in the same situation know there is hope. I expect most people who read this site know what I was going through, but maybe not the extent of it. Well I am here to say it was pretty rough, and anybody I ever hurt going through this, I am truly, deeply sorry because I should have gotten help sooner. I ruined a lot of things the past year or so, and I'm still trying to recover from that.
Otherwise, maybe you're reading this and thinking, "hey, that sounds like me!" If you are, think about it a little deeper. Has it been going on for a long time? Are you worried about your life? It's not a bad thing to admit you have a problem. You CAN feel better. That's all, really.
Now that I have that rather unhappy story out in the air, let's go back to our regularly scheduled programming, shall we?
entry no. 792
Posted by oz115 at March 25, 2007 09:35 PM