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April 02, 2007
Faux March Madness, the Final Game
Well, we're down to the final game here in the 2007 Faux March Madness. We started with 64 contestants, and that has been whittled down to two: Chewbacca and Abraham Lincoln. Who will prevail in this titanic struggle?
Let's review how they got here first. Abraham Lincoln was the #2 seed in the History Region. He coasted through the bracket, bumping off #15 U.S. Grant, then #7 Genghis Khan to reach the Swell Sixteen. In that round, he disposed of #11 Johannes Gutenberg, then dumped #1 George Washington to win the region. In the Penultimate Four, he dispatched Studs Terkel. But now he faces perhaps his most formidable opponent.
His adversary, Chewbacca, was the #1 seed in the Pop Culture Region. He beat #16 Short Round, then #8 Maxwell Smart, followed by an efficient defeat of #5 Danny Ocean. He beat #7 Marty McFly to win the region, and then vanquished Frank Sinatra in the Penultimate Four.
But only one can be champion... Let's find out who! To answer this burning question, I've broken down my analysis into several categories.
Area of Influence. Lincoln: The United States of America. Chewbacca: A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away. Advantage: Chewie. A galaxy is pretty large, compared to the puny USA.
Key quote. Lincoln: "Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth upon this continent a new nation: conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal." Chewbacca: "Wah-ah-ahhh!" Advantage: Lincoln.
Important work. Lincoln: Guided country through Civil War. Chewbacca: Kept Millennium Falcon in shape, allowing Luke to destroy Death Star. Advantage: Lincoln. Luke had the Force, probably would have destroyed Death Star anyway.
Relationships. Lincoln: Mary Todd, who may or may not have been a raging bitch. Lincoln also may or may not have been gay. Chewbacca: Best friend Han Solo, who allows Chewie a life of adventure in space. Advantage: Chewbacca. Chewie seems more fun to be around.
Physical aspects. Lincoln: Tallest president, made beards stylish. Chewbacca: 8 feet tall, but average for a Wookie. Too hairy, described as a "walking carpet." Advantage: Lincoln, by a hair. (Ba doom boom.)
Style. Lincoln: Carried important documents in top hat so as not to lose them. Was gangly, and wore ill-fitting clothes. Chewbacca: Wears some kind of ammunition belt, and nothing else. Advantage: Chewie, Wookies don't need clothes.
Personality. Lincoln: Often described as melancholy, but also possessed of a folksy sense of humor. Chewie: Loyal, obviously good company for Han Solo on long space voyages. Advantage, Chewbacca.
Skills. Lincoln: Writing and oratory. Chewie: Ace mechanic, exceedingly strong. Advantage: Tie. These are both important skills.
Overall winner: it was a closely fought contest, but Chewbacca comes out in the end a 85-84 winner. This was as close as could be, but Chewie barely pulls it out. Congratulations to you, Chewbacca! You are this year's champion!
Stay tuned for more on this exciting event, and click here for the full bracket!
entry no. 805
Posted by oz115 at April 2, 2007 09:28 PM