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May 21, 2007
The man's guide to small talk
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. If you've ever spent time with me, you know I hate small talk. I suspect most men do. I've kind of figured it out, too. I know why I hate it: because men usually like to talk about two things: sports and women. Occasionally we'll want to talk about beer or partying. But, generally, that is not what I like to talk about. I have much more discerning tastes. I would much rather talk about parallel parking, for example.
So, I think I've boiled this whole thing down into a few topics that if you are able to reply to, you will be able to hold your own in small talk with another man.
Let's get to sports, first.
What's the ultimate guy sport? Football. There's a few things you can always talk about with football: the quarterback, the coach, and the draft.
First, there's the quarterback. Be sure you know the local quarterback. Here's what you do: say to the guy, "So, it's not looking good for [local football team.]" It doesn't matter if that team just won the Super Bowl... There's always a reason they are going to suck next year. Know what that reason is? The quarterback sucks. When the other guy says, "not lookin' good," you say, "That's cause they gotta get rid of [local team's quarterback]." It doesn't matter who the quarterback is. He sucks. There are a few exceptions, like Joe Montana. But please be aware that Joe Montana is now 50 years old, so the exception is no longer relevant. By the time a quarterback is so entrenched that he can no longer be accused of sucking, he is too old and actually does suck.
Sometimes you'll run into a guy who is a fan of a non-local team. Like me, for example. I love the Buffalo Bills. I don't give a hoot about the Bears. What do you do with somebody like that? It's simple. Know who his team's quarterback is. Then you preface it with, "I hear..." So, if I met a guy who is a Seattle Seahawks fan, you need to say, "I hear Matt Hasselback sucks." Like I said, it doesn't matter if he actually is any good or not. He probably sucks.
Now, to deliver the coup de grace, you need to reference an old player on the out of town's team, preferably one who was very good in one of Tecmo Bowl games. I'd say to the Seahawks fan, "You sure could use Steve Largent back, couldn't you? That guy could play." Or maybe you' run into a KC Chiefs fan. You'd say, "I hear Trent Green sucks. You sure could use Christian Okoye, couldn't you? That guy was insane on Tecmo Bowl!"
You can follow a similar process with the team's coach. "[Local team's coach] sucks. He should have benched [local team's quarterback] after Week 2."
The draft is trickier. You need some knowledge about all the players in the draft, but it's usually good to know about the quarterbacks. It's also good to know about the more obscure but important positions, like offensive tackle. That way, you can talk about the draft. The other guy will probably say, "Boy, they should've taken [highly-ranked college quarterback.]" Then you could drop the bomb: "Yeah, [local team's quarterback] sucks, but I wish they had taken [350-lb lineman.] That guy's a tree stump. You can't move him."
Unfortunately, this whole conversation will take about 30 seconds, which is shorter than the amount of time I took to explain it. Luckily, there's girls to talk about.
Where do guys usually hang out? In bars. What else is in bars? Girls. So what do you talk about? Girls.
Suppose you and your new friend have just finished talking about sports. A girl walks by. It doesn't matter what she looked like. You can say a few things: "That girl had nice [boobs/legs/ass.]" If all three are nice, you say, "Holy shit, there goes a ten." Sometimes you'll see a girl with comically misshapen body parts, whereupon you say something like, "Good God, look at those [boobs/legs/ass.] Put down the sandwich!"
Sometimes you'll both know the same girl. You have to tread carefully here, because your counterpart may be more acquainted with her than you. When you talk about her, it will go something like this: "So you know [girl.] Yeah, she's a cool chick." You'd then probably talk about her boobs/legs/ass. Now here's where it gets tricky: you then usually say something like, "Yeah, I also hear she's [crazy/psycho/a whore.]" Please note the difference between crazy and psycho: crazy is wild, like she enjoys partying and being rambunctious. Psycho is calling all hours of the night, threatening other girls, etc.. Like I said, be careful. You don't want to call somebody's friend a psycho or a whore.
Now, unfortunately, this whole process will again take about 30 seconds. So that is a good minute of conversation there. The only suggestion I have is to hope there are lots of girls where you are, because then you have endless fodder for comment. That's all I can tell you. Godspeed you, small talker.
entry no. 856
Posted by oz115 at May 21, 2007 06:25 PM