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September 27, 2007

How poignant

I was cruising Youtube today, and I found this awesome Saturday Night Live video of Will Ferrell as George W Bush:

Who really thought that six years later, we'd still be looking for bin Laden? I certainly didn't!

Posted by oz115 at 09:53 PM | Comments (0)

This explains a lot

I wrote a few days ago about my experience in detention, and the guy who monitored the detention. He always seemed a bit ominous to me, but I figured it was because his job was to sit around juvenile delinquents all day. Well, uh... Take a guess what happened to him:

A former Lancaster schools support association president and bus driver was arrested on charges of importuning and disseminating matter harmful to juveniles on Sept. 14.

...

Ensign resigned as a Lancaster City Schools bus driver on Sept. 17. He had worked for Lancaster City Schools in different capacities since 1991.

Ensign's arrest came after a five-month investigation involving online child exploitation.

Ensign had been communicating online with a Franklin County detective, who was posing as a 14-year-old juvenile.

Lancaster City Schools Superintendent Denise Callihan said an investigation by the schools found nothing that would indicate any Lancaster students were involved.

Posted by oz115 at 01:02 PM | Comments (0)

September 26, 2007

Nutzapper?

Horse racing is one of those sports that simply doesn't appeal to me. Most types of racing don't, to be honest. Of course, the people in charge of horse racing take their sport very seriously. They propagate this by enforcing strict rules about what you can name your horse:

Roughly 60,000 Thoroughbred name requests are submitted every year, and registrar Rick Bailey must sign off on each one. Roughly one-third of the requests are rejected, primarily because they match existing names. In an effort to free up more names, the Jockey Club now "recycles" them after 10 years, so it is possible for horses from different eras to share the same name. There is a mind-blowing litany of other rules and regulations, but in general, no horse can have a name longer than 18 characters, a name that breaches a copyright or has obvious commercial significance, or the name of a "notorious" person. Emphatically forbidden are "names that are suggestive or have a vulgar or obscene meaning; names considered in poor taste; or names that may be offensive to religious, political or ethnic groups."

...

You want explicit commands? How about Blow Me (1945), Get It On (both 1971 and 1986), On Your Knees (1977 and 2005), Spank It (1985), or 1963's Go Down, whose sire, of course, was Service. Like 'em young? Embarrassingly enough, Jail Bait (1947 and 1983), Barely Legal (1982 and 1989), and Date More Minors (1998) all made it into the staid registry.

If a clever play on words is your thing, Cunning Stunt (1969) is a decent one. Lagnaf (1978) is a thinly veiled acronym for "let's all get naked and … ." The names Hardawn (1937) and Wrecked Em (1983) have to be said out loud to elicit the desired potty-mouth effect.

The list goes on: Golden Shower (1955), Cherry Pop (1961 and 1978), Cum Rocket (1969), Ménage Á Trois (1974), She's Easy (1978), Adultress (1979), Strip Teaser (1980), Rhythm Method (1982), Bodacious Tatas (1985), Tit'n Your Girdle (1988), Kinky Lingerie (1991), Hard Like a Rock (1995), Sexual Harassment (1997), and X Rated Fantasy (1999). (You can search for risqué racehorse names yourself through the Jockey Club's online database of current names. If you want a true historical perspective, you'll need to shell out $325 for the complete American Produce Records.)

Can't name your horse Blow Me? What a shame!

Posted by oz115 at 01:11 PM | Comments (0)

September 25, 2007

Why yes, America is great

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's visit to Columbia University sparked lots of protest and outrage, as one would expect:

Hundreds gathered to protest Ahmadinejad's appearance, incensed that a leader who has publicly denied the Holocaust and called for the destruction of the state of Israel was given a prestigious forum to espouse his beliefs.

Christine C. Quinn, speaker of the New York City Council, said Columbia should not be giving Ahmadinejad a platform. "All he will do on that stage ... is spew more hatred and more venom out there to the world," she said.

Hamid Dabashi, a professor of Iranian studies at Columbia, called the whole forum "misguided."

Meanwhile, President Bush's reaction was non-plussed:

In Washington, President Bush responded that he is “OK” with Columbia inviting Ahmadinejad, which he said just shows the extent of how much America respects freedom of speech. But Bush said he personally would not have invited the Iranian president to the United States to speak.

I can't find the article, but I am pretty sure President Bush used the opportunity to once again say "how great America is" that an enemy of the country can waltz on in and talk about the country. Of course I agree with the President, that it's a very good thing that free speech is alive and well.

Nevertheless, it's still a little curious to hear the President say one thing, and to see his assistants undermining the whole thing:

Late last week, the federal government settled a lawsuit with a pair of Texans who were arrested in 2004 for wearing anti-Bush T-shirts at a Fourth of July event in Charleston, W.Va. That's right, friends, $80,000 (of your taxpayer dollars) will be paid out to Jeff and Nicole Rank, whose suit against Gregory J. Jenkins—former deputy assistant to the president and director of the White House Office of Presidential Advance—has been dismissed.

...

The details of the Rank lawsuit and the cases involving similarly harassed folks are always fascinating: citizens removed from a Bush event in Denver because of an offensive bumper sticker on their car outside ("No More Blood For Oil"); a Tucson student barred from a Bush event for sporting a Young Democrats T-shirt; Wisconsin citizens forced to unbutton their shirts before attending a Bush speech, only to have an attendee wearing an anti-Bush T-shirt ejected from the event. But the best thing to have emerged from the Rank litigation was the official—if heavily redacted—Presidential Advance Manual (dated October 2002), which, although stamped "SENSITIVE" and not to be "duplicated ... replicated ... photocopied or released to anyone outside of the Executive Office of the President, White House Military Office or United States Secret Service[.]"

Posted by oz115 at 12:38 PM | Comments (1)

September 24, 2007

Honked off

Lament the poor geese of Palo Alto. It seems Americans' affinity for fast food has left some of our winged breathren bloated and unable to fly:

Munching on a diet of such fast-food delights as potato chips, donuts, cakes and burritos, Palo Alto's once-migrating Canada geese have been grounded by bulging waistlines, according to wildlife officials.

Baylands Open Space Preserve park ranger Joe Collie said good natured individuals were overfeeding the flock.

"They can fly, but it takes them an extra run to get off the ground," Collie told KTVU. "I've seen cakes put out for them, burritos -- stuff that's just isn't natural for these birds."

The ranger said the diet had turned many of the birds into nature's version of couch potatoes.

"Basically, they are being fed her so they don't want to leave," he said. "Their diet results in them getting fat."

Rangers have tried to out on end to the fattening buffet by posting signs, but that hasn't stopped the feeding.

"We tried for the first three weeks to come out and educate," he said. "We found that we could do that seven days a week, eight hours a day and people just don’t comprehend."

Posted by oz115 at 12:10 PM | Comments (0)

September 21, 2007

My latest observation

Like any typical American, I like the movies. I'm a fan of going to the movies, and I love to talk about them. What, then, is the deal with movie posters?

Take a look at these two posters from a couple of classics:

Now take a look at the posters for two more recent pictures:

The first two are paintings or illustrations of the movie characters, while the last two use actual photographs. I've noticed that in plenty of other movie posters, too. When did studios switch from illustrations of the movie characters to using actual (albeit heavily retouched) pictures of the actors? Is the an attempt to distance oneself from the sophomoric comedies of the 80's? Hmm... Maybe not. I don't know how to explain it, but it is weird.

Posted by oz115 at 11:54 AM | Comments (1)

September 20, 2007

Not quite good enough

The British have always been good at punishment. Drawing-and quartering? Check. Posthumous hanging? Check. It comes as no surprise to me, then, that the British are allowing victims of bullying to pick the punishment for their tormentors:

Victims of school bullies will be able to mete out their own justice under new Government guidelines published tomorrow.

They will be encouraged to have a say on sanctions for perpetrators – which may include litter-picking, removing graffiti or detentions.

Ministers say it will ensure pupils see punishments as "fair" and give victims greater confidence. The move forms part of a comprehensive crackdown on bullying amid fears that pupil intimidation is on the increase.

This wouldn't be very satisfying to me. As a kid, I think there's nothing greater than seeing somebody get their comeuppance. Removing graffiti? Lame. Picking up trash? What are they, petty criminals? No, the punishment should fit the crime: time in the "cooler," aka getting stuffed in a locker, or whatever the British equivalent of the locker is. A well-placed wedgie is also a good punishment. That would really discourage bullying. Detention is about the stupidest punishment ever. The typical bully can do a one hour detention standing on his head.

I got a detention once. It was for chronic tardiness. (Imagine that.) Here's what I did in detention: there was a school disciplinarian guru at good ol' Thomas Ewing Jr. High School, and his sole job was apparently to monitor detention after school. Occasionally he beat people with yardsticks, I think. (This was in the 90's, in the "Golden Age" of school discipline. Actually, I doubt that. But compared to now it was like the Dark Ages... All brutality and no compassion.)

I showed up to detention after school. I was petrified. What could be in store for me? Erasing chalkboards? Counting to ten in Greek, a la Young Indiana Jones? Lord of the Flies reenactments, with me as Piggy? Whatever your guess was, it's wrong, for the answer was "D, none of the above." We sat, in a room, with the shades drawn. For an hour. It was excruciatingly boring, and time dragged on for what seemed like forever.

As I left the detention hall, I vowed never to return. Not for fear of shivs carved from erasers, but from sheer and utter boredom. I guess what Johnny Cash said about prison also applies to detention: time keeps dragging on. If I had to pick up trash, however, that would've been a whole other story... Yes it would've.

Posted by oz115 at 01:38 PM | Comments (0)

September 17, 2007

Leave him alone!

As a Bills fan, I am always a little gleeful anytime the New England Patriots get in trouble. So, when Patriots evil genius Bill Belichick got pinched for cheating, I definitely chuckled.

However, I also admire somebody who can take a joke. Like this guy, who made the following video:

Of course, this is a parody of one of the more unhinged videos ever, an impassioned defense of Britney Spears in the wake of her turgid VMA's performance:

My favorite part of the Belichick video is how the entire monologue is delivered in a distinct Boston accent. God, I love this thing called the internet.

Posted by oz115 at 09:44 PM | Comments (0)

Door etiquette

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My law school's building has almost nothing but revolving doors; the building where I work also is predominantly revolving doors, as are all the buildings I visit. I really dislike revolving doors, but I have a begrudging acceptance for them now because almost every door I use is of the revolving variety.

Presumably, everybody else in the city spends all their time pushing revolving doors. That is why it really bugs me that people don't seem to know revolving door etiquette. Granted, I don't know much of it either, but it seems to me there are certain rules you should follow when using these doors.

First and foremost, I hate to see people blocking the door. The bad thing about a revolving door is, if somebody doesn't want to move, that door isn't going anywhere. Just a few times this past week, I've had to bustle my way through a door when one person has actually stopped in the door to talk to a person who is standing outside the door. I've decided in this situation, I am going, and if that person needs to continue talking, she can get out of the door. Doors are for walking, not for talking.

Another one that sort of annoys me, but that I wouldn't necessarily classify as rude, is when a person exits the door, sees another person coming to use the door, but leaves the door halfway open. So, the person entering the door must squeeze through into one of two spaces, and risk getting an arm chopped if the door starts to revolve again.

Are there any other revolving door rules I'm missing? Are there even revolving door rules? Or, am I simply trying to stir up trouble?

Posted by oz115 at 12:41 PM | Comments (1)

September 14, 2007

Frozen in time

Students in Portland, Oregon, found an interesting thing on a chalkboard: a lesson written way back in 1968:

Some Portland students received a blast from the past after finding a hidden treasure in their classroom.

A third-grade teacher at Hollyrood-Fernwood School in northeast Portland wanted to get rid of two old chalkboards in her classroom, but she never dreamed she would find a time capsule behind them.

The teacher discovered another chalkboard with a lesson about the Apollo 10 space mission, written by a teacher in 1969, 38 years ago.

The board read, “Apollo 10 is on the way to the moon. It has three astronauts aboard . . . They will look closely at the moon . . . They will splash down on Sunday.”

This is pretty interesting and all, but it makes me wonder: what kind of teacher lets her blackboard sit unwashed for nearly four decades? It's unheard of! Many teachers I have known are anal-retentive to the highest degree. Others were not as stringent. But all of them could pretty much agree that their damn blackboards were clean at the end of the day.

My math teacher in high school was fanatical. He was the only teacher I knew who actually cleaned his board with soap and water. Being a math teacher, he did it in perfectly straight lines. He would start on the left, deliberately drag his sponge down the board, and then move a few inches to the right and do it all over again. When he was done, the boards were covered with a layer of water, but they were clean as could be. It took them a good ten minutes to dry. I had another teacher who favored windex, and another who used the old-fashioned eraser. In my estimation, nothing was quite so tacky as a blackboard with chalk smudges all over it.

Do any of you, dear readers, have any good stories about teachers and their blackboards? Did anyone ever have to write a sentence 100 times, a la Bart Simpson? I'm interested to hear your responses!

Posted by oz115 at 12:24 PM | Comments (0)

September 13, 2007

There could have been an easier way to do this

Anybody who commits suicide certainly must be deeply desperate. It's always a tragedy when anyone dies, but especially when a person feels so lost that he kills himself. But really, a person has to be some kind of desperate if he chooses to construct a home made guillotine to do the deed:

The body of a 41-year-old man was found in a wooded area next to a guillotine he built and used to kill himself, police said.

The man, from the Detroit suburb of Melvindale, was discovered Monday by workers from a shopping center near his home.

A groundskeeper from the Fairlane Green shopping center at Outer and Fairlane drive discovered the body shortly before 11 a.m. Monday.

Allen Park Deputy Police Chief Dale Covert said the roughly six-foot tall guillotine was bolted to a tree and included a swing arm. Covert said police also found several store receipts detailing the materials used to assemble the device.

Posted by oz115 at 01:21 PM | Comments (0)

September 12, 2007

Gotta love it

One of my guilty pleasures is watching the Premier League. It's one of the best soccer leagues in the world, and it has so many great story lines. To wit, a drunk assaulted Sir Alex Ferguson in a train station recently. He's the legendary manager of Manchester United, and this would be akin to somebody taking a run at Mike Krzyzewski, a similarly successful but loathed figure. I'm sure it's all something we've all wanted to do.

A 'fighting drunk' today admitted punching Sir Alex Ferguson in the groin and head butting a police community support officer.

Forty-three-year-old Kevin Reynolds pleaded guilty to assaulting the Manchester United manager outside a train station before attacking the officer and racially abusing him.

Reynolds appeared at City of London Magistrates Court and was warned he could be jailed when he is sentenced at a later date at London's Southwark Crown Court.

The attack took place on Monday shortly after 4pm when Sir Alex was waiting for his driver outside Euston Station in central London.

Reynolds, originally from Fife but now of no fixed abode, approached Sir Alex, who initially thought that the man staggering towards him was a beggar asking for money, the court heard.

Instead Reynolds struck Sir Alex in the groin area, leaving him doubled up in pain.

Posted by oz115 at 04:52 PM | Comments (0)

September 11, 2007

No props for this one

I had an interesting revelation last night. When a person does something good, his friends will give him "props." Example: "Johnny picked me up at the airport at 7 am last Saturday morning. I gotta give him props." How did props come to be an acknowledgment of doing something well? I don't know, but it's a part of our language. It's not a phrase I use too often, but it's a good descriptor.

However, there seems to be no converse to props. What do you give somebody who screws up? Well, I've thought of it: drops. If something good is done, he gets props. If it's bad, it's drops. Example: "Dick Cheney shot his hunting partner in the face? He gets major drops for that one."

Now, I am sure my new phrase will proliferate like rabbits. If so, I expect full credit. You've been warned, people.

Update: apparently, this phrase has already been invented. F you, "BTLS Fan."

Posted by oz115 at 12:04 PM | Comments (0)

September 09, 2007

Nice going

As I'm sure you all already know, Osama bin Laden has a new video coming out, or as they like to say, "dropping," in a few days:

Early analysis indicates the voice on a recently released videotape is that of Osama bin Laden, a U.S. official said Friday, as President Bush called the tape "a reminder of the dangerous world in which we live."

A transcript of the video, obtained by CNN, shows it contains no overt threats toward the United States.

Some date references, including a mention of Democrats gaining the majority in Congress, may indicate the tape is new.

In the tape, bin Laden calls the Iraq war "unjust" and blames it -- and a host of the world's other ills -- on capitalism.

I was thinking, this is a very curious thing. But then, I remembered something that made it all seem very clear. What motivated Osama to make this new tape? Clearly, it is because of this guy:

Bob Flournoy swore after 9/11 that he would wear the same patriotic tie until the day Osama bin Laden was captured or killed.

He figured that it would take the USA a couple of weeks to find the notorious terrorist leader. Despite that miscalculation -- it's been almost six years -- the city attorney has kept his word. He's been wearing the same red-white-and-blue necktie since the attacks on America.

"It looks like Francis Scott Key's Star-Spangled Banner," Flournoy tells The Lufkin (Texas) Daily News. "It is faded, worn and tattered. It has been reworked, patched and pieced together. Velcro has been added around the neck because it is too fragile to tie and untie. It is smaller and even a little smelly, but it is still a grand old flag. Betsy Ross would be proud."

Flournoy thinks the "egotistical maniac" is dead and buried near Tora Bora, Afghanistan.

"If Bin Laden is alive, I challenge him to prove it by Sept. 11, 2007," Flournoy says. "If he does not come forward with some proof, I am personally going to declare him dead, and I will be able to take off my tie and give it a proper burial."

Well my man, it looks like you got your wish. I hope that tie lasts a little bit longer!

Posted by oz115 at 12:24 PM | Comments (0)

September 07, 2007

Moo

Like most men, I don't much of anything about women. One of the things I do know, however, is pretty basic: they don't like being compared to animals. Catty. Bitchy. Mousey. Heifer. Horseface. Porcine. You get the picture.

Why, then, did some genius name his women's clothing store Dress Barn? After all, many of the same animals that women do not like to be compared to live in barns: cows, pigs, and horses. To me, if I'm shopping at a barn, I'm wearing something an animal might want to don. Like a cool new saddle. Or a horseshoe.

There must be something good about the place. According to that Wikipedia article, they have over 800 stores. Does Dress Barn offer really good deals? Are their clothes exceedingly unique? Or do they simply cater to the kind of women who don't care about living in barns? The world - or at least I - wants to know.

Posted by oz115 at 08:43 AM | Comments (2)

September 06, 2007

The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems

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The traditional notion of arriving in Heaven has newly departed souls approaching St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. If they've lived a good life, they gain entrance to Heaven. If they've been bad, they get sent way down to h-e-double hockeystick. I wonder if St. Peter, once they pass judgment, ever looks to his fellow Heaven administrators and says, "What a dumbass! Who gets killed like that?"

If he does... He's going to have a hearty laugh at this one:

A man who died in a Franklin Township house fire early Wednesday morning may have survived if his escape had not been blocked by a large pile of beer cans.

...

Crews working inside the home found McCarty's body shortly after 10 a.m., and investigators said his exit was blocked by a 5-foot tall stack of beer cans.

A caller to 911 said he couldn't get the door open.

Caller: "Yeah I tried to kick the front door open. It feels like something is in front of the door. I kicked the lock open but I can't get the door all the way open and nobody responded."

911 Operator: "It feels like something is in front of the door?"

Caller: "Yeah."

Posted by oz115 at 04:46 PM | Comments (0)

A tough one to explain

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Imagine you're a freshman in college. You've finally met your roommate, and the people living on your floor. You make some friends, including some lovely females who live across the quad. A few weeks later, you have to make this phone call to your parents:

"Mom, Dad, I have some bad news. ... I've been arrested. ... No, wait, wait, wait. There's more. ... I've also been kicked out of school."

It is then that you are forced to explain how the police pinched you and your dumbass roommate:

A pair of former Northeastern University freshmen are facing drug and other charges after prosecutors said one of them leaned out his dorm window on Sunday and loudly told a woman in the dorm opposite his that he and his roommate were selling pot.

Two plain clothes Boston officers in the building overheard the conversation, made their way up to a second floor dorm room where they arrested Michael Emery, 18, of Haverhill and Matthew Ferrante, 18, of North Andover after finding about four ounces of marijuana, drug paraphernalia, including a scale, and several bottles of alcohol in the room, the Suffolk district attorney's office said.

"If you're looking for weed, my roommate Ferrante has some for sale," Emery allegedly said out the window, according to the district attorney's office.

...

"They are no longer students here," university spokeswoman Laura Shea said.

Posted by oz115 at 04:37 PM | Comments (0)

September 05, 2007

Department of Redundancies Department

I was at a bar the other night, as evinced by that timestamp on my picture. I needed an ATM, as I often do, and I had to laugh at the screen when it asked me to select my language.

Why would it say "English/Ingles" and "Espanol/Spanish"? I feel like, if I want to select English, I'm going to have no need to recognize that the Spanish word for English is "Ingles." As a matter of fact, I'm selecting English because I don't speak Spanish. Likewise, if I'm picking Espanol, it probably doesn't do much for me that the gringos call it Spanish. In all honesty, this is a complete logical conundrum to me. I even have a hard time trying to explain this.

The only thing even remotely like what is going on in my head right now is the my wine glass/your wine glass scene from the Princess Bride:

I clearly can't pick the wine glass in front of me, nor can I clearly pick the wine glass in front of you; I can't see why it says English/Ingles, nor why it says Spanish/Espanol. Oh God, I need a drink...

Posted by oz115 at 09:33 PM | Comments (0)

September 04, 2007

It's not like the kid can go inside

Ah, back from a lovely Labor Day break. Let's get this thing started off with an uplifting story about a dad sharing his interests with his daughter:

Nevada authorities arrested a Bend, Ore. Man on Sunday after they said his 2-year-old daughter was found alone in a car parked at the Mustang Ranch brothel.

The brothel’s security guard found the child crying.

Storey County deputies said they believe the child was left in the vehicle for two hours in 95-degree heat.

Deputies said they found the girl’s father, Lucien Hoffman, inside the brothel attending a private function when they arrived.

Leaving kids in the car is no laughing matter, of course. Unless it happened to me. I have many fond memories of being left in the car by my mom. Most of them involved the parking lot at Kroger, but it usually went like this:

Mom: I just have to get something for dinner tonight, want to come?

8-year-old-me: No.

Mom: Okay, then sit out here. I'll be back in five minutes.

[Mom leaves, car is running. I play with radio and read USA Today. ... 45 minutes elapse.]

Mom: Sorry about that, I ran into [some person I've never heard of.]

Me: I have to pee.

And so on... I had a lovely childhood.

Posted by oz115 at 12:52 PM | Comments (0)