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March 24, 2008
Faux March Madness, Miscellaneous Region
Okay, sorry about the little delay. We here at Squealer HQ have been a little preoccupied (that is, watching DVDs and playing Snood.) Anyway, let's take a look at the results from the first round in the Miscellaneous Region:
#1 Achilles 77, #16 60 Crocs 59. I hate Crocs. I think they are the ugliest shoes of all time, including Ugg Boots. Now, one might think of all people, Achilles would need a good pair of shoes. Unfortunately, Crocs are not the answer.
#2 Wilt Chamberlin 83, #15 Babe the Blue Ox 77. A surprisingly close match here. However, Wilt wins by virtue of having real, verifiable accomplishments as opposed to being a sidekick. Additionally, Chamberlin has basketball skills, while Blue Oxen lack opposable thumbs.
#3 Keith Richards 79, #14 James Buchanan. Buchanan is the sacrificial lamb when it comes to presidents. This guy was the Prez directly before Lincoln, and was pretty ineffective. On the other hand, Keith Richards is one wacky hombre. Anybody who snorts his dead father's ashes should win over the president who idly let the country unravel into civil war.
#4 Kareem Abdul-Jabbar 74, #13 Jamie Lynn Spears 68. Oh Jamie Lynn - the poor Spears Sisters can't win anything nowadays. As if getting knocked up at age 16 wasn't bad enough, she gets knocked out of this competition. Kareem has all the tools and all the skills to go far in this tournament.
#12 Young Einstein 78, #5 Eminem 70. Ah yes, a patented 5/12 upset... This time Young Einstein defeats Dr. Dre's protege. Eminem is a highly skilled, amazingly talented rapper. But he's also prone to homophobia and acts of violence, and this tournament is all about consistency. Young Einstein split the beer atom and wooed Marie Curie, and was played by a guy named Yahoo Serious. I ask you - who should've been the 12 seed here?
#11 Babe the Pig 87, #6 Odysseus 84, OT. Wow, another upset! Odysseus uses his guile and craftiness to sack Troy, trick a Cyclops and win back his wife; Babe uses guile to win sheep-herding competitions intended for dogs. I have to say: Babe's cause was the more noble.
#7 Crocodile Dundee 73, #10 Jimmy Page 67. I lost a little respect for Mick Dundee after that awful Dundee in LA movie, but he still has enough to overcome Jimmy Page. Yes, Led Zeppelin was one of the biggest bands of all time, and if they decide to go on tour this summer they will probably rake in a billion dollars. But dare I say: that's not a knife!
#8 Miley Cyrus 88, #9 Rutherford B. Hayes 81. Hayes was commander in chief of the United States for four years; Miley is de facto commander in chief of 10 million teenage girls, and, by proxy, the wallets of their fathers. She is an economic engine unto herself, and has the staying power to prove it.
So, not too many upsets there. Here's the match-ups for the second round in the Miscellaneous Region:
#1 Achilles v. #8 Miley Cyrus
#2 Wilt Chamberlin v. #7 Crocodile Dundee
#3 Keith Richards v. #11 Babe the Pig
#4 Kareem Abdul-Jabbar v. #12 Young Einstein
Check back tomorrow for the second round of the History Region!
entry no. 1109
Posted at March 24, 2008 01:30 PM