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March 31, 2008

Chicago Region, second round

You know, the Chicago Region is always one of the more interesting brackets in the ol' Faux March Madness. Let's see who from the Windy City is moving on to the Swell Sixteen...

#1 Michael Jordan 88, #9 Jay Mariotti 73. This one isn't even close. Mariotti against Jordan is like, well... Me against Jordan. And unless we're talking about presidential trivia, Jordan will whoop me. However, this doesn't stop Mariotti from trying his best: Mariotti would probably write a column criticizing Jesus for not getting more apostles before the trade deadline. It's old and tired; I am sure many Chicagoans still pine for the days of MJ.

#2 Ernest Hemingway 66, #7 Anton Cermak 61. Hemingway stays alive. His career-spanning works rival most 20th century authors, while Cermak perished before he could truly make his mark. If he hadn't been bumped off, he could've done something special. Maybe.

#3 Carl Sandburg 84, #6 Bobby Hull 79. This is a close one, but I think Sandburg is the winner here. The Golden Jet was a remarkable and fearsome hockey player, but was only to be eclipsed by, among others, his own son. Sandburg has few peers, if any.

#4 Chris Farley 75, #12 Liz Phair 63. Liz Phair's Cinderella bid ends in the second round, as she runs into the tubby brick wall that is Chris Farley. Farley's star burned brightly, but fizzled too soon. Liz Phair has been more steady, but nowhere near as luminescent.

So, in what is probably a first here at Squealer Central, all four of the top four seeds advance to the Swell Sixteen. Who will survive that round? Our matchups are as follows:

#1 Michael Jordan v. #4 Chris Farley
#2 Ernest Hemingway v. #3 Carl Sandburg

Stay tuned for more exciting Faux March Madness action!

Posted at 04:46 PM | Comments (0)

March 28, 2008

Legendary Figures, second round

Whoa nelly, Faux March Madness is heating up! The Legendary Figures region is sure to be exciting, so let's see who the winners are in the second round. As usual, a coveted spot in the Swell Sixteen round is up for grabs.

#1 Babe Ruth 77, #9 Jim Thorpe 68. The Bambino rolls on. Thorpe, you would have to say, was probably a better overall athlete. Nevertheless, Babe is a man on a mission. Thorpe's accomplishments were relatively limited to the athletic field, but Babe Ruth was possibly one of the original triple threats: athlete, actor and spokesperson.

#2 Davy Crockett 70, #7 Amelia Earhart 66. Crockett keeps pace, avoiding an upset at the hands of Amelia. The sophisticated computers that figure out the results of this tournament love Amelia, but Crockett has that mysterious aura - mystique, if you will, that allows him to overcome Earhart's considerable strengths. He kilt him a bear when he was only three, ya know.

#4 Joan of Arc 79, #12 Blackbeard 71. Blackbeard had a good run, but Joan of Arc is not to be trifled with. Joan led armies, defeated the English, and otherwise made a hub-bub. Blackbeard, when you think about, was the most wanted pirate of the 18th century, but was a pretty isolated personage in the end.

#11 William Wallace 66, #14 Richard the Lion Heart 60. How 'bout that - Braveheart himself winds up in the Swell Sixteen, with a nice victory over Richard. Nobody knows much about the historical Wallace, but Richard had a fatal flaw, it appears. Check out how he died:

In the early evening of March 25, 1199, Richard was walking around the castle perimeter without his chainmail, investigating the progress of sappers on the castle walls. Arrows were occasionally shot from the castle walls, but these were given little attention. One defender in particular was of great amusement to the king — a man standing on the walls, crossbow in one hand, the other clutching a frying pan which he had been using all day as a shield to beat off missiles. He deliberately aimed an arrow at the king, which the king applauded. However, another arrow then struck him in the left shoulder near the neck. He tried to pull this out in the privacy of his tent but failed; a surgeon, called a 'butcher' by Hoveden, removed it, 'carelessly mangling' the King's arm in the process. However, the wound swiftly became gangrenous. Accordingly, Richard asked to have the crossbowman brought before him; called alternatively Peter Basile, John Sabroz, Dudo[16] and Bertran de Gurdun by chroniclers, the man turned out to be a boy. This boy claimed that Richard had killed the boy's father and two brothers, and that he had killed Richard in revenge. The boy expected to be executed; Richard, as a last act of mercy, forgave the boy his crime, saying, "Live on, and by my bounty behold the light of day," before ordering the boy to be freed and sent away with 100 shillings. Richard then set his affairs in order, bequeathing all his territory to his brother John and his jewels to his nephew Otto. ... His last act of chivalry proved pointless; In an orgy of medieval brutality, the infamous mercenary captain Mercadier had the crossbowman skinned alive and hanged as soon as Richard died.

So that sucks. Wallace didn't fare much better, getting drawn and quartered. But Richard died stupidly.

Our Swell Sixteen matchups, then, look like this:

#1 Babe Ruth v. #4 Joan of Arc
#2 Davy Crockett v. #11 William Wallace

Wow, an 11 seed in the Swell Sixteen! How far can Braveheart go? He has a tough road ahead, but anything is possible in March...

Posted at 12:23 PM | Comments (0)

March 27, 2008

Don't beat around the bush

I was using my computer out at a restaurant, and I saw a list of the available wireless networks. Note the bottom choice. I guess the owner of that particular wi-fi network was concerned about somebody using his bandwidth to visit Oprah.com or maybe Perez Hilton.

Posted at 11:34 PM | Comments (0)

Faux March Madness, second round

Let's see what's happening in Faux March Madness, shall we? It's the second round of the History Region, and at stake is a coveted spot in the Swell Sixteen.

#1 Leonardo da Vinci 84, #9 Judas 58. Yikes - Leo steamrolls to victory on this one. Indeed, Judas may be an inspiration for one of Leonardo's most important works, but one must give the devil his due, as they say. Leonardo was remarkable in many areas, as an artist, thinker and inventor. Judas, well, his one infamous act set a lot of things into motion, but it was only one thing. As I said before, we here reward consistency.

#2 Teddy Roosevelt 74, #7 Marie Antoinette 67. Sucks to be Marie, TR is too powerful. Roosevelt paved the way for America becoming the predominant nation of the 20th century, and Marie Antoinette helped along the French Revolution. And we all know how things have been for France lately.

#3 Horatio Nelson 66, #11 Michelangelo 59. This is a tough loss for Michelangelo to swallow, but Nelson was bad-ass. Yeah, I liked the Sistine Chapel and all that, but Nelson was dominating the seas, n' shit.

#5 Eleanor Roosevelt 84, #4 Woodrow Wilson 80, OT. This one has to go to Eleanor, who redefined the first lady position. Yes, she probably gave us Hillary Clinton, but you gots to take the good with the bad.

So, this is how the Swell Sixteen looks in the History Region:

#1 Leonardo v. #5 Eleanor Roosevelt
#2 Teddy Roosevelt v. #3 Horatio Nelson

Wow, these could be some interesting matchups! Check back soon for more results...

Posted at 11:14 PM | Comments (0)

March 24, 2008

Happy Dyngus Day

[Pic]

Ah yes, all my Polish brethren know that today is Dyngus Day, Easter Monday. Now that the harsh Lenten season is over, we can celebrate the beginning of spring by hitting each other with pussy willows and throwing water at each other. Also, we can drink lots of beer. It's like Polish St. Patrick's Day!

Posted at 02:08 PM | Comments (0)

Faux March Madness, Miscellaneous Region

Okay, sorry about the little delay. We here at Squealer HQ have been a little preoccupied (that is, watching DVDs and playing Snood.) Anyway, let's take a look at the results from the first round in the Miscellaneous Region:

#1 Achilles 77, #16 60 Crocs 59. I hate Crocs. I think they are the ugliest shoes of all time, including Ugg Boots. Now, one might think of all people, Achilles would need a good pair of shoes. Unfortunately, Crocs are not the answer.

#2 Wilt Chamberlin 83, #15 Babe the Blue Ox 77. A surprisingly close match here. However, Wilt wins by virtue of having real, verifiable accomplishments as opposed to being a sidekick. Additionally, Chamberlin has basketball skills, while Blue Oxen lack opposable thumbs.

#3 Keith Richards 79, #14 James Buchanan. Buchanan is the sacrificial lamb when it comes to presidents. This guy was the Prez directly before Lincoln, and was pretty ineffective. On the other hand, Keith Richards is one wacky hombre. Anybody who snorts his dead father's ashes should win over the president who idly let the country unravel into civil war.

#4 Kareem Abdul-Jabbar 74, #13 Jamie Lynn Spears 68. Oh Jamie Lynn - the poor Spears Sisters can't win anything nowadays. As if getting knocked up at age 16 wasn't bad enough, she gets knocked out of this competition. Kareem has all the tools and all the skills to go far in this tournament.

#12 Young Einstein 78, #5 Eminem 70. Ah yes, a patented 5/12 upset... This time Young Einstein defeats Dr. Dre's protege. Eminem is a highly skilled, amazingly talented rapper. But he's also prone to homophobia and acts of violence, and this tournament is all about consistency. Young Einstein split the beer atom and wooed Marie Curie, and was played by a guy named Yahoo Serious. I ask you - who should've been the 12 seed here?

#11 Babe the Pig 87, #6 Odysseus 84, OT. Wow, another upset! Odysseus uses his guile and craftiness to sack Troy, trick a Cyclops and win back his wife; Babe uses guile to win sheep-herding competitions intended for dogs. I have to say: Babe's cause was the more noble.

#7 Crocodile Dundee 73, #10 Jimmy Page 67. I lost a little respect for Mick Dundee after that awful Dundee in LA movie, but he still has enough to overcome Jimmy Page. Yes, Led Zeppelin was one of the biggest bands of all time, and if they decide to go on tour this summer they will probably rake in a billion dollars. But dare I say: that's not a knife!

#8 Miley Cyrus 88, #9 Rutherford B. Hayes 81. Hayes was commander in chief of the United States for four years; Miley is de facto commander in chief of 10 million teenage girls, and, by proxy, the wallets of their fathers. She is an economic engine unto herself, and has the staying power to prove it.

So, not too many upsets there. Here's the match-ups for the second round in the Miscellaneous Region:

#1 Achilles v. #8 Miley Cyrus
#2 Wilt Chamberlin v. #7 Crocodile Dundee
#3 Keith Richards v. #11 Babe the Pig
#4 Kareem Abdul-Jabbar v. #12 Young Einstein

Check back tomorrow for the second round of the History Region!

Posted at 01:30 PM | Comments (0)

March 19, 2008

Faux March Madness, Chicago Region

Hey, it's time for the Chicago Region here at Faux March Madness. We had some upsets yesterday, but today is a new day. What will happen? Let's find out.

#1 Michael Jordan 83, #16 Carter Harrison 59. Oof. No upset here. His Airness handily disposes of the former mayor. Jordan is the most celebrated athlete in Chicago history - not coach, you Ditkaphiles - while Harrison seems to be most remembered for his assassination in "Devil in the White City."

#2 Ernest Hemingway 74, #15 H.H. Holmes 60. Another Devil in the White City character, notorious serial killer H.H. Holmes, can't fight off Oak Park's finest. Hemingway uses his typical efficient and straightforward style to dispose of Holmes.

#3 Carl Sandburg 66, #14 Bruce Wolf 55. Ah, too bad for Wolfie, but he runs up against one of the great American poets. Sure, Wolf is great for a one-liner and being overly enthusiastic at 4 in the morning, but he probably won't be quoted sixty years from now.

#4 Chris Farley 75, #13 Horatio Sanz 64. Farley runs away with this one, at least in the sense that two overweight fellows can run away. Sanz can be funny, however Chris Farley is the gold standard for SNL comics. How many Horatio Sanz bits do you know? What about Farley? There you have it.

#12 Liz Phair 66, #5 John Wayne Gacy 60. The bracket's other serial killer also gets bumped off in the first round. In all honesty, how can you not take Liz Phair in this? One is an acclaimed singer-songwriter, the other is a killer who dresses like a clown. Yes, Phair went pop with her last record, but one would presume that was a mere stumble.

#6 Bobby Hull 75, #11 Todd Stroger 70. Hockey players are tough cookies. Once, I was talking to my mom about Gil Perreault, the legendary Sabre. She told me never to call him "Gilbert," because he'd "punch you in the nose." The point being, don't mess with hockey players. If Bobby Hull was in the position to, I imagine he would take one look at Stroger's shenanigans and he would punch him in the nose.

#7 Anton Cermak 79, #10 Pete Wentz 74. This is a tough one. Do you want the Fall Out Boy bassist, or the mayor who took a bullet meant for FDR? This one goes to Cermak, who may have been the intended target due to his promise to get rid of the mob in Chicago. If you are in the same room as the president, and somebody wants to shoot you instead, you have to be a truly memorable person.

#9 Jay Mariotti 89, #8 Rod Blagojevich 88 (2OT). Now this is a contest! I think this one really comes down to who is more loathsome: the governor of Illinois, or the Sun-Times sports columnist. In the end, I think it has to go to Mariotti: although lots of people in Illinois can't stand Rod, Mariotti is despised throughout the nation. I mean, there's an actual web site dedicated to how much people hate Mariotti.

So it looks like there haven't been too many upsets this round. The second round in the Chicago region features these intriguing matchups:

#1 Michael Jordan v. #9 Jay Mariotti
#2 Ernest Hemingway v. #7 Anton Cermak
#3 Carl Sandburg v. #6 Bobby Hull
#4 Chris Farley v. #12 Liz Phair

How will the Miscellaneous Region play out? Come back tomorrow and see!

Posted at 05:08 PM | Comments (0)

March 18, 2008

Faux March Madness, Legendary Figures Region

It's Day Two of Faux March Madness! This portion of the bracket features people of almost mythic proportions. But who is the most mythic of them all?

#1 Babe Ruth 93, #16 Benjamin Martin 66. Sucks to be Martin, the titular (hehe!) character of Mel Gibson vehicle "The Patriot," based on Revolutionary War hero Francis Marion. Ruth transcends sports, and was probably the most famous person in 1920's America. This is the man who allegedly called his shot, ate prodigious amounts of food, and slept with women like it was his job.

#2 Davy Crockett 79, #15 Frederick Barbarossa 63. Barbarossa was a medieval German hero, a great Crusader and the Holy Roman Emperor. Alas, his legend has faded, and can't keep up with Crockett, whose mythic status reached its height in the 1950's. He was played by John Wayne, for heaven's sake! (I'll give him a pass on Billy Bob Thornton, though.)

#14 Richard Lion Heart 77, #3 Robin Hood 74 (ot). Whoah, our first major upset! Richard gets the nod for his crusading ways and occasional benevolence. Robin Hood, however, loses points because he may not even be a real person: instead, he could be an agglomeration of several outlaws. Either way, if you use 1991's Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves as a tiebreaker, Robin Hood is played by Kevin Costner, and Richard is played by Sean Connery. I don't think I have to explain anymore.

#4 Joan of Arc 66, #13 Daniel Boone 59. I like Daniel Boone, I really do. But I just can't help but call him a poor man's Davy Crockett, although he is surely deserving of his legendary status. Nevertheless, Joan of Arc was a true legend: led an army at 17, burned at the stake at 19, and declared a freaking saint of the Roman Catholic Church. Somehow, the exploring the Cumberland Gap just doesn't add up.

#12 Blackbeard 74, #5 Cleopatra 69. I don't get the Cleopatra thing. She loses points by association, because everybody calls Marc Antony "Marc Anthony." Gah! I guess she was quite the Egyptian queen, but Blackbeard takes this matchup. He was one bad-ass pirate, reputed to kill all who resisted; he even burned gunpowder on his beard to scare his opponents. Crimony!

#11 William Wallace 75, #6 The Red Baron 71. Hey, another upset! William Wallace is a national hero of Scotland, and for more impressive than the other Mel Gibson entry in this bracket. The Red Baron was a veritable celebrity during World War I, but now for some reason is mostly known as a brand of instant pizza. This is not a good way to advance in the tournament.

#7 Amelia Earhart 70, #10 Jesse James 64. "The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford" was a most excellent deconstruction of the James myth: James was probably one of the most famous people of the post-Civil War era. His train and bank robberies were infamous, but one can't help but think of him as a brutal criminal. On the other hand, Earhart's aerial exploits and mysterious disappearance keep her in the public mind even today.

#9 Jim Thorpe 76, #8 Billy the Kid 70. Jim Thorpe was an athlete of the highest caliber. Put him in any competition, and he would dominate. Billy the Kid, it seems, is probably most famous for being, well, a kid. The edge must go to Thorpe here.

So that's our first round in the Legendary Figures Region... Here's what the second round matchups look like:

#1 Babe Ruth v. #9 Jim Thorpe
#2 Davy Crockett v. #7 Amelia Earhart
#4 Joan of Arc v. #12 Blackbeard
#11 William Wallace v. #14 Richard the Lion Heart

There was some great action in that round, huh? Well, let's see what tomorrow's results bring!

Posted at 10:35 AM | Comments (0)

March 17, 2008

Faux March Madness, History Region

Faux March Madness is up and running! Let's find out how the first round of the History Region shapes up.

#1 Leonardo da Vinci 87, #16 William Jennings Bryan 64. Leo wins this one in a blowout. One of the most luminous figures of the Renaissance is simply too powerful for Bryan, the three-time presidential nominee. Bryan is certainly not a palooka, but Leonardo has the mad skillz to go far in this tournament, and he gets off to a good start.

#9 Judas Iscariot 66, #8 Henry Hudson 64. This one is a little closer, but Judas had just enough to beat out Hudson. Navigating rivers is all well and good, but Judas's place in history is indisputable.

#5 Eleanor Roosevelt 75, #12 Hernan de Soto 67. Ah yes, Eleanor Roosevelt. She was truly a pioneering first lady, one of the original first ladies who are more diplomatic figure than official White House hostess. On the other hand, de Soto discovered the Mississippi, and his influence is best summed up by Jerry Seinfeld: "like they wouldn't have found that anyway."

#4 Woodrow Wilson 79, #13 Henry Clay 66. Unfortunately for "The Great Compromiser," this competition isn't about cooperating. Wilson's steady leadership of the United States during World War I arguably led to the problems of the 20's that caused World War 2, while Clay's efforts merely staved off the Civil War. Nevertheless, Wilson wins this battle - will he win the war?

#11 Michaelangelo 77, #6 Bernard Montgomery 74. A great artist defeats a great general. What Michaelangelo had in vision, Montgomery had in ego. They were both hugely important figures, but let's not forget: there's no ninja turtle named Montgomery, is there? And the Sistine Chapel is more visually appealing than the Battle of El Alamein.

#3 Horatio Nelson 83, #14 Salome 70. Salome, of course, allegedly used her feminine wiles to get John the Baptist beheaded. That's pretty cold, but Nelson is the godfather of British naval heroes. His victory at Trafalgar helped to secure a century of British dominance. That's pretty swell.

#7 Marie Antoinette 72, #10 Anne Boleyn 64. This matchup clearly has to go Marie's way. Anne Boleyn is probably a relatively minor person, notwithstanding being played on screen by Natalie Portman, whom I think I would take over Kirsten Dunst most days. However, Marie's excesses helped spark the French Revolution. Oops!

#2 Teddy Roosevelt 78, #15 Mary Todd Lincoln 64. It is said that the Lincolns lived a life wracked by depression and sadness. Mary Todd's performance won't help that reputation, as T.R. thoroughly dominates this match. Roosevelt always advised to speak softly and carry a big stick, and today he used his stick to whoop on his opponent.

So, our second round matchups look like this:
#1 Leonardo v. #9 Judas
#2 Teddy Roosevelt v. #7 Marie Antoinette
#3 Horatio Nelson v. #11 Michaelangelo
#4 Woodrow Wilson v. #5 Eleanor Roosevelt

Check back tomorrow for results from the Legendary Figures region!

Posted at 09:30 PM | Comments (0)

March 14, 2008

Common sense prevails

Brief update: the kid I wrote about earlier who got sent to education Siberia for buying contraband at school - Skittles - has had his punishment rescinded:

A New Haven, Conn., honor student who was suspended for buying a bag of skittles on school grounds has had the punishment expunged.

Sheridan Communications and Technology Middle School Principal Eleanor Turner said she agreed during a meeting with Michael Sheridan's parents to erase the student's suspension record and reinstate him as Student Council vice president, the New Haven (Conn.) Register reported Thursday.

"In looking back over this incident, I warned the students repeatedly, but I should have reinforced it in writing to parents, that the district does not allow buying and selling candy at school," Turner said in a statement released by the district. "My intention throughout was -- and still is -- to maintain a safe and orderly building. I am sorry that this has happened. My hope is that we can get back to the normal school routine, especially since we are in the middle of taking the Connecticut Mastery Test."

I think one of the great side effects of the internet is that sheer idiocy often goes unpunished. It seems every week some story, involving a public or school official's questionable action, gets disseminated across the internet. Even ten years ago, when something like this story occurred, it sparked community outrage but very little action. Now, the entire country hears about the story, the authorities are forced to face up to their poor decisions, and things get fixed. This is a perfect example of that.

Posted at 11:21 AM | Comments (0)

Faux March Madness

Well folks, it's that time of year again. Faux March Madness! It's hard to believe, but this will be the Fifth Edition of Faux March Madness. To recap, we've had a great diversity of winners. Last year, Chewbacca was the champion, defeating Abraham Lincoln. In 2006, Steve McQueen emerged victorious, in a hard fought battle with Queen Elizabeth I. 2005 saw Henry VII beat Phil Jackson. Ben Franklin won the first tournament in 2004, in what I can only call a personally heartbreaking defeat of Marv Levy.

For those who don't know, the competitors are rated on a set of criteria, which are then fed into sophisticated computer algorithms; these also allows for a little luck, thereby creating the potential for upsets. I let the computers do their work, and they tell me who should be the winner. I'm afraid I can't tell you more about how this all works, but suffice it to say it's very elaborate. I hope you understand.

But who will win the tournament this year? For this year, I've ditched the old seeding formula, whereby we had sometimes ludicrous seeding like making Joseph Stalin a #16 seed, or the Chicago Style Hot Dog as a #3 seed. Instead, this year I made matchups, but then seeded them according to common sense. So, we won't have logical first round matchups like "Oprah Winfrey vs. Jerry Springer," but we will have logical seedings. And since customized matchups only last one round, I think it's okay.

For those of you worried about my sanity because I spent this much time on a fake tournament, the whole ordeal took five minutes. And when you can either do that, or vacuum, the fake tournament wins out every time. So, without further ado, let's meet the contestants. And as always, please, no wagering.

History Region
#1 Leonardo da Vinci v. #16 William Jennings Bryan
#2 Theodore Roosevelt v. #15 Mary Todd Lincoln
#3 Horatio Nelson v. #14 Salome
#4 Woodrow Wilson v. #13 Henry Clay
#5 Eleanor Roosevelt v. #12 Hernando de Soto
#6 Bernard Montgomery v. #11 Michelangelo
#7 Marie Antoinette v. #10 Anne Boleyn
#8 Henry Hudson v. #9 Judas Iscariot

Mythic Figures Region
#1 Babe Ruth v. #16 Benjamin "The Patriot" Martin
#2 Davy Crockett v. #15 Frederick Barbarossa
#3 Robin Hood v. #14 Richard the Lion Heart
#4 Joan of Arc v. #13 Daniel Boone
#5 Cleopatra v. #12 Blackbeard
#6 Manfred von Richtofen, the Red Baron v. #11 William Wallace
#7 Amelia Earhart v. #10 Jesse James
#8 Billy the Kid v. #9 Jim Thorpe

Chicago Region
#1 Michael Jordan v. #16 Carter Harrison
#2 Ernest Hemingway v. #15 H.H. Holmes
#3 Carl Sandburg v. #14 Burce Wolf
#4 Chris Farley v. #13 Horatio Sanz
#5 John Wayne Gacy v. #12 Liz Phair
#6 Bobby Hull v. #11 Todd Stroger
#7 Anton Cermak v. #10 Pete Wentz
#8 Rod Blagojevich v. #9 Jay Mariotti

Miscellaneous Region
#1 Achilles v. #16 Croc Shoes
#2 Wilt Chamberlin v. #15 Babe the Blue Ox
#3 Keith Richards v. #14 James Buchanan
#4 Kareem Abdul-Jabbar v. #13 Jamie Lynn Spears
#5 Eminem v. #12 Young Einstein
#6 Odysseus v. #11 Babe The Pig
#7 Crocodile Dundee v. #10 Jimmy Page
#8 Miley Cyrus v. #9 Rutherford B. Hayes

So there you have it, this year's contestants. Who is the early favorite? There are many strong contenders this year, but we won't know a winner for a few weeks. Check back to see who will be the champion!

Click here to get your very own bracket, to play along at home. [PDF]

Posted at 12:01 AM | Comments (0)

March 13, 2008

Mia and Ginger

Walking down the street to my apartment, there's a house with a back porch that is about eight feet above the sidewalk. On this porch two dogs lurk, waiting for some unsuspecting person to walk past. That person is usually me, and when I get close enough, the two dogs pounce from the shadows and start to bark mercilessly at me.

Usually I say, "you two again!" and keep walking. Today I met the owner of the dogs - he may or may not help me get a job after I graduate. When he came out, the two dogs were there, and of course they began barking at me. After I stood there for a few minutes, and they saw their owner wasn't trying to get rid of me, they mellowed up a little bit. One dog, Mia, let me pet her and rub her chin. The other, Ginger, wasn't as friendly but at least didn't try to bite me. When I stopped petting her, she whimpered until I started again.

It's funny to me that these dogs were nice to me. They've kind of been my adversaries for the past few years, as I always walk by their porch, and they always bark at me. Now we're on decent terms, at least until they don't recognize me anymore.

Posted at 10:35 PM | Comments (0)

March 12, 2008

Do the crime, do the time

Candy is nothing but a perfidious influence on America's youth, and the New Haven School District is seeking to eradicate it. As an honor student found out, ignorance of the law is not an excuse:

Michael Sheridan was stripped of his title as class vice president, barred from attending an honors student dinner and suspended for a day after buying a bag of Skittles from a classmate.

School spokeswoman Catherine Sullivan-DeCarlo says the New Haven school system banned candy sales in 2003 as part of a districtwide school wellness policy.

Michael's suspension has been reduced from three days to one, but he has not been reinstated as class vice president.

He says he didn't realize his candy purchase was against the rules -- although he did notice the student selling the Skittles on February 26 was being secretive.

Posted at 12:57 PM | Comments (0)

Is this man worth time in jail?

Apparently he is. Two women robbed a Subway, and stole not piles of loot, but something that has much more sentimental value:

On Sunday, police responded to a possible robbery at the Main Street Subway in Fair Haven, Vt. Witnesses said two females entered the store, wearing hooded sweatshirts and bandanas covering their faces, and stole a life-size cardboard cutout of Jared, the company spokesman.

Witnesses took down the suspects' license plate number, and police located Amanda Lawrence, 23, and a 17-year-old juvenile girl. Police said the two admitted to the crime and said they did not realize the problems they caused.

Posted at 12:51 PM | Comments (0)

March 11, 2008

TMI

Paul Sullivan covers the Cubs for the Chicago Tribune. Judging by his description of Cub center fielder Felix Pie's recent surgery, he does not keep secrets very well. It's a good thing he wasn't on the Prince Harry beat.

Sullivan's story opens like any other story on a minor injury to a player:

Center fielder Felix Pie underwent a minor surgical procedure on Monday and will miss three to five days, the Cubs announced.

Okay, the natural thing to do is ask, what kind of surgery, intrepid reporter man? Sullivan does that, despite what might best be called uncomfortable subject matter:

Pie is suffering from what's called testicular torsion, or, in layman's terms, a twisted testicle. The injury happened early in camp, but Pie had the problem treated, sources said, and was able to continue playing.

Oh geez! I don't really want to know much more about this, because, well, it sounds painful. Much much worse than, say, a titty twister. Nevertheless, Sullivan gleefully tells us more:

The surgery involves sewing the outer layer of the testicle to the scrotum wall. The Cubs said it was a minor procedure, but if the problem went uncorrected Pie ran the risk of losing the testicle.

Jesus! You think we needed to know THAT part of it? I need a shower.

Actually, this reminds me of a guy I knew in college. He was rumored to have only testicle. I, personally, never tried to find out. Unfortunately, his last name began with the letter N, so he earned the alliterative nickname of "One Nut Novelli." At least Felix Pie doesn't have to worry about that.

Posted at 12:44 PM | Comments (1)

March 07, 2008

At least they didn't tase her

Old women can be extraordinarily feisty. Sometimes they beat up would-be muggers with canes. Sometimes they get angry at McDonald's employees. Then, other times, they get moving violations and then punch the cops:

An 80-year-old woman went down swinging when a police officer tried to arrest her.

A Tavares police officer pulled the woman over at the intersection of U.S. Highway 441 and Huffstetler Drive for an improper lane change.Authorities said Thalia Logas refused to sign a ticket and punched the officer several times when he tried to place her under arrest.

The officer said he finally got the handcuffs on her, and she managed to wiggle out of them and threw them out the window of the police car.

Posted at 02:57 PM | Comments (0)

March 06, 2008

God bless America

If there's something I hate, it's precious/contrived baby names. Celebrities are usually the ones guilty of this, as evidenced by the "10 Worst Baby Names" list that was recently released. However, one New Zealand couple had an interesting run-in when they wanted to name their kid 4Real:

No explanation necessary for why this New Zealand name made the list, but how about the story behind it? The parents' first choice was 4Real (as in, "when we saw him on the ultrasound, we realized he was for real"), but government officials didn't go for it. Mom and dad settled on Superman but insist they'll still refer to him as 4Real. Way to get the last word in.

This will unleash the inner civil libertarian in me, but do governments really need to be bothered with regulating what people name their kids? I think not! Yet here we are, with New Zealand poo-pooing the chosen name for a kid. Makes me glad I live in America, where I can name my kid ESPN if I really want to.

Posted at 10:12 AM | Comments (0)

March 05, 2008

They are friendly at Wal-Mart

See that? It's grand opening at the new Wal-Mart, so they gave every customer a balloon. Mine was yellow, and we tied it to the shopping cart. Then, without warning, it got loose and floated away.

Posted at 11:41 PM | Comments (0)

A happening day

Lancaster was quite the happening town today. Wal-Mart opened its dingy blue doors to the citizens of Fairfield County, and there was quite the fanfare. My mom and I went there, for, as she said, "there was a sale on grape juice."

Wal-Mart tends to inspire a lot of passion in some people. I can't say one way or the other whether it really destroys areas it comes to, but I do know this: I don't like to shop there. Every Wal-Mart I've been to has been dirty, with poor lighting and items strewn about the shelves. They would do very well to keep their stores cleaner.

Of course, I never set foot in a Wal-Mart until I got to college. We never had Wal-Marts in Central Ohio, and all the people I met who loved "Wally World" positively mystified me. They have low prices, apparently. But Wal-Mart failed to captivate me, though I was a fan of Sam's Club: where else can you get a two-gallon jar of mayonnaise? Here's to you, Sam Walton.

On a side note, my mom got her grape juice. It was a dollar cheaper than at the other stores.

Posted at 11:40 PM | Comments (1)

Not cool

This is my mom, who doesn't like having her picture plastered all over the internet, holding a plate of brownies. If you didn't notice, there is a big square cut out of the middle.

This is the work of my brother, who hates the corners and sees nothing wrong with ripping the veritable heart out of the brownies. He may as well be Magua, with my brownies playing the role of Colonel Munro. I should report, however, that this didn't stop anyone from eating all the brownies by 10 o'clock the next morning.

Posted at 11:19 PM | Comments (0)

Greetings from Lancaster

Hi everybody. In case you didn't know, and really, why would you, I'm currently in gorgeous Lancaster, Ohio, on "spring break." It's positively boring. Not only did it SNOW last night, it also is raining and is generally miserable. Also, I have to take an ethics test on Saturday, which if I fail I will not be allowed to be a lawyer.

Anyway, that's the "Plaza Shopping Center," which is really just a supermarket, a Big Lots, a B-W's, a Chinese buffet and a Waterbeds n' Stuff. I like how the Z and the A are burned out, and how it looks like it hasn't be washed since the 50's.

Posted at 11:12 PM | Comments (0)

March 03, 2008

I am not proud of myself

Today I was driving around in the car, when I heard a 3-minute slice of pop music heaven on the radio. I have a soft spot for bubblegum pop, whether it's the 60's (Shangri-La's), the 80's (Toni Basil), or the present (Aly & AJ.) So, when I heard the song, I was fully prepared to find out that I was enjoying the latest joint from Ashlee Simpson, Aly & AJ or some new act that was set to emerge from playing malls into our collective conscience.

When I got home, I typed the chorus into Google, and when the result came, I hung my head in shame: I was rocking out to a Miley Cyrus song. This will be the last post ever on this blog, as I am now going to hang myself.

Okay, I'm not really going to hang myself, even though Miley Cyrus has sunk her teeth - or, by proxy, Walt Disney's teeth - into my iPod.

Posted at 11:33 PM | Comments (0)