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April 28, 2008

Good neighbor award

This is a pretty herky-jerky thing for somebody to do:

Dueling lawsuits will decide whether a Lake Forest couple must replace a neighborhood sidewalk they demolished out of what they said were privacy concerns.

John and Deb Kunz recently filed suit against the City of Lake Forest in Lake County Circuit Court, contending the city has no right to replace the 170-foot-long, 5-foot-wide concrete path in front of their home. They tore it out last November without seeking permission.

...

The Kunzes, who had moved into the subdivision the previous year, told city officials they didn't like having strangers walking close enough to their home to be able to see into their living room window.

The Kunz lawsuit says there is no recorded public easement for the sidewalk, just a public utility easement that does not allow for public access. Efforts last week to reach the Kunzes for comment were unsuccessful.

I think the Kunzes will grow to regret this, whether or not they lose their lawsuit. It's highly lame to tear out a sidewalk, especially if it's one used by a lot of people.

In Lancaster, where I grew up, some residents are unwilling to put sidewalks onto their lawns. I'm not sure if the city doesn't want to pay for it, but one would be walking down the street and all of a sudden the sidewalk would be gone.

When I go back home to visit, I like to go running around town, and where there aren't sidewalks, I simply run where the sidewalk should be. Others do it, too, because those lawns eventually get a nice little path worn into them. Do I feel bad? Nope. And I hope people do that to the Kunzes' lawn.

Posted at 09:24 PM | Comments (0)

April 25, 2008

Those crazy British

I have to admit, I am heartily amused by the story about Prince William landing his helicopter in a field next to his girlfriend's house, and also using the helicopter to fly to a friend's bachelor party:

The RAF has been criticised for allowing Prince William to land a multi-million-pound Chinook helicopter in his girlfriend's back garden.

Little over a week before Kate Middleton watched the Prince receive his air wings, he flew 16 miles from RAF Odiham in Hampshire and touched down in a field next to her house.

It is one of two unusual sorties by the Prince under attack. Eight days later he avoided a long road and sea journey by using a Chinook to fly to the stag party of his cousin, Peter Phillips, in the Isle of Wight, stopping off at Woolwich Barracks in London to pick up Prince Harry.

If this had happened in America, there would be a shitstorm. For example, John McCain has a son who is in the military. I would think if he flew a helicopter to Vegas for a trip to Scores or whatever, every newspaper in America would be on it, and the poor fellow would be run out of town on a rail. Sen. McCain, for his part, could probably say so long to his chances of being elected President.

Yet, the Royal Air Force issued a typically subdued British response:

A Ministry of Defence spokesman defended the landing yesterday, saying: "This was very much a routine training sortie that achieved essential training objectives."

However, officials have admitted privately that it was "not the best idea", given concerns about military budget constraints and the shortage of Chinooks, which cost at least £10 million each, in Afghanistan. One military source added: "In theory any pilot could do this but it's basically because he's the Prince."

"Not the best idea"? There's an understatement! That's what I love so much about the British. They get barely worked up over most things - except the footie, of course - and simply let the situation resolve itself. It worked for them for three hundred or so years.

My family is part English, so I think I have some of that mentality. Unfortunately, this gets me in trouble. I simply can't get too mad about something that quickly, much to the anger of some people. It's not that I'm not upset or annoyed, I just keep myself in check.

I can see myself as President, commander-in-chief of the armed forces. "The Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor? Oh dear." Then, taking full advantage of my English heritage, I'd go medieval on their asses, all without spilling my cup of tea.

Posted at 06:31 PM | Comments (0)

April 24, 2008

D'oh

Now this is terrible news. First they close the original Wendy's in downtown Columbus. Now they are getting purchased by f'ing ARBY's? Dios mio!

After at least two rejections, billionaire Nelson Peltz has finally succeeded in landing Wendy's in a $2.3 billion deal that would add the chain known for its square burger and chocolate Frosty dessert to his ownership of Arby's and its roast beef sandwiches.

Now, the investor known for agitating corporations to boost their stock price has to figure out how to make both profitable while the economy slumps and more Americans are saving money on food and fuel by staying home to eat.

Atlanta-based Triarc Companies Inc., owned by Peltz, said Thursday it will pay about $2.34 billion in an all-stock deal for the nation's third-largest hamburger chain started in 1969 by Dave Thomas. Wendy's had rejected at least two buyout offers from Triarc.

Thomas' daughter Pam Thomas Farber said the family was devastated by the news.

"It's a very sad day for Wendy's, and our family. We just didn't think this would be the outcome," said Farber, 53.

If her father were alive to hear news of the buyout, "he would not be amused," she said.

I think the worst part about this is now Wendy's might serve Pepsi, because Arby's has Pepsi. I hate Pepsi. Ever since they signed a deal with the Ohio State Fair in 1992 or so, I vowed to never drink Pepsi. I think it had to do with me disliking their totalitarian ban on Coca-Cola. I didn't realize then that Coke also does the same thing, but I justify it now by also disliking Pepsi's hare-brained advertising schemes.

One of the most annoying things to me was the so-called Pepsi Wendy's. When my family would drive to Buffalo, we'd often stop in Wooster for lunch. (You're a true Ohioan if you know how to pronounce Wooster.) There was this Wendy's there, but for some reason it had Pepsi. I always told my parents, I don't want to go there, that's the Pepsi Wendy's. Naturally they didn't listen.

Of course, now I don't drink a lot of pop, but I still enjoy the occasional Coke. I'll be sad if I have to eat my #1 Combo Meal with a freaking root beer. Not that root beer is bad... But a Coke and a hamburger are the perfect marriage. That is a whole other story.

Posted at 01:58 PM | Comments (0)

April 23, 2008

Hillary = Professional athlete?

Hey, so Hillary Clinton won the Pennsylvania primary yesterday. Her ten-point margin of victory keeps her in the running for the Democratic nomination, but I'm here to pile on.

Know what Hillary does that annoys me? She busts out all the cliches. (Much like the cliche of standing behind a giant American flag.) Take, for example, this quote from her victory speech last night:

"It's a long road to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, and it runs right through the heart of Pennsylvania," she told supporters in Philadelphia.

"I'm in this race to fight for you ... You know you can count on me to stand up strong for you every single day in the White House."

Whoah! That's three cliches in two sentences! If that's not enough, she had previously trotted out what I think is the worst cliche in all of politics:

Clinton proclaimed in her victory speech in Ohio on March 4, after winning three of the four primary contests that day, "as goes Ohio, so goes the nation."

Gadzooks! That phrase is so overworn it hurts. I'm pretty sure it's been used since about the 1830's, except, you know, it varies by state.

What's next for Hillary? I would love her next speech to be something like this:

"I'm going to give 110%, and we're going to take it one state at a time... If we keep playing our game, we'll be fine, because we have confidence in our campaign strategist."

Then, she'll skate away and deliver a well-placed hip check to an unsuspecting Barack Obama... Who didn't have his head up.

Posted at 08:53 AM | Comments (1)

April 22, 2008

Dear oh dear

I found this amusing picture via the always excellent Sports Law Blog. Check it out, it's interesting even if you aren't in the legal field.

Anyway, I'm sure you know why this sign is so funny. I hope you do, at least.

Posted at 09:21 PM | Comments (0)

Say it ain't so

Alas, apparently it is so: The Nisei Lounge is closing:

Owners Scott Martin and Din Papageorgakis have a potential buyer, and regulars are convinced the lounge is as good as gone.

The dive bar is on a piece of property as precious as a healthy Kerry Wood right arm.

At a farewell party for regulars Sunday night, chocolate cupcakes were served. A couple of shots of sake were knocked back for old times' sake. People were misty-eyed. But toward the end of the party, Martin showed up to tell the crowd paperwork for the sale had not been signed.

...

The Nisei Lounge opened in its current location on the ground floor of Links Hall in 1951. The Nisei are second-generation, American-born children of Japanese immigrants. But the bar has been open to all walks of life. Last year actor Ethan Hawke came into the Nisei while working on a production upstairs at Links Hall. Just last month Johnny Depp wandered into the Nisei after filming nocturnal scenes for his John Dillinger opus in the alley behind the bar.

Kaunch Hirabayashi opened the original Nisei Lounge in 1949 at Clark and Division. When the bar moved to its present location, Chicago was home to more than 150,000 Japanese Americans, about 30,000 of whom had been interned in camps during World War II. Many Lake View-based Japanese Americans since have moved to the suburbs.

It never really occurred to me that the place was called Nisei Lounge because it catered to Japanese Americans. I figured it was just a goofy, hipsterish name.

Anyway, I guess I should tell the story about why the Nisei Lounge holds a dear place in my heart: it's where I got a hole-in-one at Golden Tee Golf. I do not know how hard it is to make a hole-in-one, but I have never gotten another one, and I do not know anyone who has gotten one. Of course, this was all due to my great skill, and not luck. Not at all.

Posted at 12:38 PM | Comments (0)

April 21, 2008

A common link?

[Pic]

Yesterday was April 20th. As I walked down the street back to my apartment, a guy walked past me going the other way. I detected the unmistakable aroma of marijuana as he walked away. I was playing a soccer game at a park earlier that day, and somebody was smoking there. That takes some huevos, I thought.

Now, I'm not suggesting any causality here, but three stories in the news caught my eye. Do you think any of these might be related to the date? First, there's this lady:

A Baltimore City school teacher has been accused of dropping a bag of marijuana in a classroom.

The Baltimore Examiner said the incident occurred Friday. The newspaper reported that a student at George Kelson Elementary School told the principal that a bag fell out of the teacher's purse in front of students.

School administrators confirmed that the teacher was arrested.

And who knows what this was about?

A Frankfort man was arrested on drug trafficking charges early Sunday morning after he was reportedly pumping gas into an imaginary vehicle.

According to the arrest report, Metro Police arrived at a gas station at First and Jefferson streets in Louisville and immediately smelled marijuana coming from Joshua L. Moore, who station clerks contend was filling up an imaginary vehicle.

And then, another man had a really great idea: hold an inanimate object for ransom:

A woman's car disappeared Friday morning, only to have the alleged car thief call and demand ransom money while police were investigating at her home.

...

While police were at the woman's home investigating the car's disappearance, she got an unexpected phone call.

"The suspect calls the residence requesting if the victim wants her car back she can pay $1,000 and have the car returned to her," said Carmel Police spokesman Ken Shen.

...

Police made the exchange and then stopped the alleged car thief, 22-year-old Troy Williams of Salinas, as he left the area.

"We had a decoy pose as the victim, so the victim was safe and never involved," Shen said.

I tell ya man... If you ever want to commit crimes, don't smoke up beforehand!

Posted at 12:52 PM | Comments (0)

April 18, 2008

A modest proposal

I was doing some thinking. April, it seems, is high time for school shootings and bomb threats. Why, just today, an entire school district was shut down after somebody scrawled an ominous warning on the bathroom wall:

All six Dolton School District 149 elementary schools were closed Thursday after a threat was discovered on a boys' bathroom wall.

The note reading "be ready to die Monday" scrawled above a urinal in one of the schools' bathrooms prompted officials to shutter all schools as a precaution, Supt. Traci J. Brown said.

Dolton School District Superintendent Traci Brown talks about the threat that led to the closure of all schools on Thursday outside Dirksen School in Calumet City.

Meanwhile, a bomb threat at Northern Illinois University -- the scene of a shooting in February that left five students dead -- led to the evacuation of 75 people from a campus building Thursday.

These school shooting shenanigans need to stop. Clearly some threats are made simply for the purpose of getting attention or getting a free day off from school. I'm sick of it.

Here's what I think we should do. Make Hitler's birthday a holiday. All these kids who are shooting up schools choose Hitler's birthday, because they like the significance or something. Adolescent boys all have warped minds anyway, and they'll think they're the first ones to think of killing people on Hitler's birthday as a symbolic act. But make it a holiday, close the schools and government offices, and now there won't be anyone around to shoot.

Yes, it will be hard to justify giving kids a day off school for the birthday of one of the vilest people in history. But, if it saves one school shooting victim, it'll be worth it. I'm sure the unions will be in support of this.

Posted at 11:12 AM | Comments (0)

April 17, 2008

Boys will be boys

Who knows what goes on in the minds of 20-year old college kids? I was one once, and God knows I did some ill-advised things. Stealing alligators, though? That's a new one!

Five Embry-Riddle students were arrested Thursday for trying to steal alligators. Police said they used some unusual items to try to pull off the caper.

The five men are in jail for trying to steal alligators from a miniature golf course. It happened early Thursday morning along A-1-A in Daytona Beach Shores.

The men told police they hadn't really thought about what they would do with the alligators, but they were after the small, baby gators that live at the Congo River Golf Course. They're a big attraction and the public can even feed them.

At 4:00am Thursday, a police officer driving by the course noticed a couple people standing out front. The officer turned around to see what they were doing and suddenly saw five people running from the scene. Police chased them and caught up with two of them.

In the gator pit at the miniature golf course, there was a stick and a roll of duct tape. The two men told police they were going to use them to catch the gators. Police eventually stopped three other men walking away from the scene.

I have actually been to this golf course, and indeed, there are tons of baby alligators swimming around. They never ate a golf ball, as far as I know, unlike the fate that befell one unfortunate movie character.

Posted at 12:00 PM | Comments (0)

April 16, 2008

He must be a really good football player

Want to find an instant way to get your football scholarship offer revoked? I think Orson Charles may have found a way:

Plant High School tight end Orson Charles may be known as an outstanding football player, but now he’ll likely be better known as the person who broke the Gators' 2006 BCS National Championship trophy.

It seems Charles was at the University of Florida this past weekend for a NIKE-sponsored camp when he accidentally knocked over the handcrafted Waterford crystal trophy outside of football coach Urban Meyer’s office.The trophy, valued at $35,000, shattered when it hit the ground. The good news for Charles is that the trophy was insured.

Charles, who has more than a dozen scholarship offers including one from Florida to play college football, will be a senior next season at Plant.

Posted at 01:49 PM | Comments (0)

April 14, 2008

Typical

I had to chuckle when I saw a front page story in Tribune about two geese who have set up a nest in front of a furniture store in Naperville. The female goose is sitting on some eggs, and the gander is one protective dad:

There, on parking lot landscaping of wood chips and dead plants, two Canada geese have made a home.

The female spends most of her days atop a pile of six or seven eggs, occasionally rising to reorganize them with her long black beak.

But the male gets ornery, bordering on hostile, when he believes his progeny, which are due to hatch in early May, are threatened. With surprising speed and power, he has gone after numerous customers since the last weekend of March, drawing blood from about five.

Those who get past the birds and into the store—which really isn't difficult if you know the birds are there—are treated to an upclose view of bird life through a double-pane window. And despite the bloodshed, the birds have been good for business.

Not for nothin, but in my experience, geese are always pissed off. Growing up, we had this pond. In the pond we put three geese - Chinese geese, like the ones pictured above. Any time anybody got near the pond, they would start honking. Then, they would stretch their long necks, put their heads down, and charge. An able-bodied human could run faster than the geese, but occasionally they'd catch someone off guard. At night, their honking could be heard from a quarter mile away.

Once, we had a cookout, and my dad made a small enclosure of chicken wire to keep them from attacking the guests. Geese aren't the smartest animals, and one of them managed to get stuck in the wire. I went to free it, but he bit me. Talk about ungrateful.

Eventually, they died. A couple of them lived to be nearly twenty years old. We got some more, but they wandered off and were never seen again. The pond is definitely safer, but I'd say it has a lot less character.

Posted at 10:41 AM | Comments (0)

April 11, 2008

Don't wait

Not to condemn an entire gender, but I've learned that if I want to get certain stuff done, I best do it myself. Parking cars. Finding where things are. And new to the list is buying tickets.

A few women I have known have a very laissez-faire attitude about purchasing tickets. For example, the other day I was going to go see this fellow by the name of Bon Iver. My companion for the evening checked on tickets, saw they were available, and didn't do anything. When she next checked, a couple days later, they were all gone.

Instead, we went to possibly the most absurd play I've ever seen. It was an existential combination of Camus' The Stranger and the 2004 Kerry/Bush debates, called The Strangerer. I sat in the theater for two hours, dumbfounded. I still am.

Last summer, I was going to see Rhett Miller. My companion for that evening said she'd get tickets. Whoops! When he sold out, I quickly swung into gear and got us two tickets. I should've known better by that point.

So, when I found out that Flight of the Conchords (above), were coming to Chicago in May, I diligently waited at my computer until the on-sale time - noon today - and right when noon rolled around I hit reload and bought two tickets. And boy was it a good thing I did - by 12:20, they were completely sold out. Some guy is asking for $800 for a pair on Craigslist. (How callous.)

Chicago, especially, is a tough place to get tickets. If an act isn't popular enough to sell out on its own, hordes of ticket "brokers" snap them up and sell them for ridiculous prices. I'm glad I got mine for face value, and I will be enjoying the Conchords whilst other fellows sit, alone, ruing the fact they left ticket-buying duties to their significant others.

Posted at 12:06 PM | Comments (0)

April 10, 2008

Beat this

Guess what, fools? My last name has its own entry in the Urban Dictionary. I was totally aware of this meaning, by the way. Weren't you? Check it out.

Posted at 03:27 PM | Comments (0)

April 09, 2008

The Olympic spirit

I'm pretty fascinated by the insanity currently surrounding the Olympic flame's march around the world. It just finished a chaotic tour through London and Paris, where Chinese officials actually had to extinguish the flame (though apparently the real flame is kept in a van.) Crazy scenes such as this unfolded:

There were confrontations between the authorities and demonstrators throughout the day as the relay attempted to crisscross Paris, birthplace of the modern Olympic movement, passing landmarks including l'Arc d'Triomphe, the Place de la Concord, The Louvre and Notre Dame.

The torch was eventually driven by bus to its ending destination, where it was displayed again during a public ceremony at a stadium.

Numerous protesters, some armed with fire extinguishers, were taken away by police, The Associated Press reported. At other times police used tear gas to remove demonstrators who lay in the road and tried to block the route.

The chaos came one day after human rights activist demonstrators made the torch's journey through London more like running the gauntlet than a journey of celebration, as UK police made more than two dozen arrests.

Then in San Francisco, some protesters hung Free Tibet banners from the Golden Gate Bridge, and then did enough to force organizers to again reroute the procession:

Massive protests forced officials to drastically change the Beijing Olympic torch route today, with the flame leaving McCovey Cove by bus instead of being carried along San Francisco's Embarcadero by runners.

The torch was driven to Van Ness Avenue where pairs of runners began to carry it north - a surprise route that for a while was lined by more police officers than spectators. By 2:30 p.m., the convoy, which was mostly walking instead of running, turned onto Bay Street then onto Marina Boulevard along the picturesque northern waterfront.

The relay route short was cut short after chaotic morning along the original route, where thousands of people descended to support and protest the torch run. They gave no indication of the route it would take, but City Hall sources familiar with the police response said the current route had been the plan since at least this morning.

Chinese officials, meanwhile, are in full Muhammad Saeed al-Sahhaf mode:

“A tiny number of Tibet independence elements sought to disrupt the relay of the Olympic Games sacred flame through London.” the official said. “We strongly condemn this vile behaviour.”

That tone was echoed today by Wang Hui, spokeswoman of the Beijing Games organising committee, as she placed the blame on protesters supporting independence for Tibet. “We strongly condemn the disruption of the torch relay by the Tibetan separatists,” she said.

“The torch belongs to the people of the world and these Tibetan separatists who dare to challenge the Olympic spirit will be condemned by the people of the world and are doomed to failure."

To me, this is great. China has a fairly despicable human rights record. If it hopes to become a true world leader, it has to change that. China wants to use the Olympics to show the world how far it has come, but the past few months have shown how much farther they have to go.

Posted at 04:46 PM | Comments (0)

The Championship match

Okay people, it's come down to this. We started with 64 competitors, and now only two are left: Keith Richards and Theodore Roosevelt. One will be a champion, the other a footnote. Who will be which? Let's find out! For our last game, we'll actually examine, in depth, the criteria used to determine a winner.

Achievements: Roosevelt has quite the extensive resume: trust buster, President, Nobel Prize Winner, adventurer, athlete, naturalist. Keith Richards, on the other hand, is guitarist and occasional vocalist for one of the greatest rock n roll bands of all time. TR takes an early lead!

Longevity: Roosevelt died in his sleep at the age of 60, though he did survive an assassination attempt. Keith has made every effort to off himself, but he's going strong at age 64, though he looks more like he's 80. Keef ties it up!

Creative output: They say brevity is the soul of with. TR didn't always have that. When he was running for president as a member of the Bull Moose party, he went to deliver a speech. An assassin shot him in the chest, but he survived: the notes for his speech were so thick, it slowed the bullet enough to save his life. Meanwhile, Keith Richards specializes in 3 to 5 minute guitar mastery. If TR had written "Satisfaction," it'd be as long as Inna-gadavita. Keith Richards takes the lead!

Personal style: Roosevelt favored suits, safari gear and other gentlemanly gear. Richards makes do with psychedelic outfits and crazy bandannas. TR makes a comeback to tie it up!

Unbelievable - this is going into overtime! Will TR's last minute comeback give him the momentum?

Popularity: Roosevelt was governor of NY, then became President upon the assassination of William McKinley. He won reelection, and then tried for a third term as a member of the Bull Moose Party; he lost handily. Also, somebody tried to assassinate him. Keith Richards has been in a rock n roll band with worldwide fame for the past four decades, and shows no signs of slowing down. Keith Richards wins it in overtime!

So there you have it, readers. This year's champion is none other than Keith Richards! Congratulations to him, and let's not forget Theodore Roosevelt, who made quite the run.

He joins a list of distinguished champions:
2008 - Keith Richards
2007 - Chewbacca
2006 - Steve McQueen
2005 - Henry VIII
2004 - Ben Franklin

Posted at 02:15 PM | Comments (0)

Faux March Madness, The Championship Game

Here's our matchup for the final game:

Theodore Roosevelt, #2 seed, History Region

vs.

Keith Richards, #3 seed, Miscellaneous Region

You have to say, this is a most interesting contest. Check back soon to see the winner!

Posted at 12:40 AM | Comments (0)

April 08, 2008

Faux March Madness, The Penultimate Four

Amazingly enough, dear readers, this year's edition of Faux March Madness is down to four competitors. Only two can advance to the championship match, and only one of them will go down in the annals of history as a true champion.

Without further ado, let's find out who of the four will live to see another day.

Teddy Roosevelt 76, Davy Crockett 72. TR keeps on rolling - he ousts the hero from Tennessee in a thrilling encounter. Both these guys were charismatic, inspiring individuals. But I think Roosevelt made better choices: he made his stand by charging up San Juan Hill, Crockett made his inside the Alamo. Maybe if Crockett had made it through that alive, he would have made his legend that much more spectacular. But as it was, TR takes the cake.

Keith Richards 79, Michael Jordan 73. Personally, I can't say I thought Keith Richards was going to make it this far, let alone by besting His Airness. Well, the sophisticated computer algorithms that determine the winners thought otherwise. Both these individuals bring joy to the masses through their chosen media: Richards with his guitar, Jordan with his dunks. Unfortunately, a musical career has greater longevity than a basketball career. While MJ can spend his time golfing and trying to play baseball, Richards is still blasting out "Satisfaction" to thousands of people.

So, that leaves only two contestants left. Our championship game features this very intriguing match: Keith Richards v. Teddy Roosevelt.

Who will win? Find out tomorrow!

Posted at 10:27 PM | Comments (0)

April 07, 2008

Faux March Madness, Esteemed Eight

So now there are only eight competitors left in this year's edition of Faux March Madness. Only four can advance - who will they be? Let's find out!

History Region: #2 Teddy Roosevelt 85, #1 Leonardo 77. A close defeat for Leonardo; TR's overall body of work is more impressive than Leonardo's. The guy won a Nobel Peace Prize, for Heaven's sake!

Legendary Figures Region: #2 Davy Crockett 74, #4 Joan of Arc 71. Crockett keeps up his sterling run. Joan of Arc doesn't have enough strength to stay on pace with Davy: a truly legendary figure, and wasn't saddled with being in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.

Chicago Region:#1 Michael Jordan 79, #3 Carl Sandburg 73. MJ was one competitive dude, and Sandburg was relentless. Jordan wins because he would most likely defeat Sandburg in a game of HORSE. Does not help that Sandburg is deceased.

Miscellaneous Region:#3 Keith Richards 93, #1 Achilles 91. What can I say? Achilles is descended from the gods, is an unparalleled warrior, and is an all-around bad-ass. But he has that heel problem. Keith Richards? Can't kill him. He's like a cockroach.

Amazing! Only one #1 seed makes it into the Penultimate Four... Two of these great competitors will advance to the championship game, and two will go home. Who will it be? Find out tomorrow, where we will consider these matchups:

Teddy Roosevelt v. Davy Crockett
Michael Jordan v. Keith Richards

Posted at 03:19 PM | Comments (0)

April 04, 2008

Faux March Madness, more Swell Sixteen

Okay kids, we know four of the eight competitors to advance to the Esteemed Eight. But who are the other four? Let's check out the results!

Chicago Region

#1 Michael Jordan 74, #4 Chris Farley 69. Farley puts up a good fight, but Jordan finishes on top. He's one of the most recognizable faces on the whole planet, and is probably more associated with Chicago than anyone besides Al Capone.

#3 Carl Sandburg 84, #2 Ernest Hemingway 83, OT. Both of these men could win based on pure storytelling skill, but the tiebreaker goes to Sandburg, who seems to have been a little more stable, and not quite as grumpy as Ernie.

Amazing... Another #1 seed cruises on to the Esteemed Eight. Our matchup in the History Region goes like this:

#1 Michael Jordan v. #3 Carl Sandburg

Miscellaneous Region

#1 Achilles 74, #4 Kareem Abdul-Jabbar 70. The former Lew Alcindor has nothing against this particular son of a god and a mortal. Achilles is a man on fire, killing all in his path. Sure, he has that heel problem, and probably not a finger roll half as good as Abdul-Jabbar's. But I still like Achilles' overall strength and skills.

#3 Keith Richards 72, #7 Crocodile Dundee 66. This is a tough loss for Dundee. As I've written many times before, Keith Richards is one tough cookie. While Dundee is probably living in trees and killing crocodiles, Keith Richards is falling OUT of trees. Nevertheless, this competition rewards durability, and Keith has been going strong for forty years.

Our last matchup in the Esteemed Eight round features:

#1 Achilles v. #3 Keith Richards

This is shaping up to be a barn-burner of a finish! Check back on Monday to see who will advance to the Penultimate Four!

Posted at 11:31 AM | Comments (0)

April 03, 2008

Faux March Madness, The Swell Sixteen

Can you believe we're already down to only sixteen competitors here at Faux March Madness? Well, believe it! Today we're going to find out who in the History and Legendary Figures Regions advance past the Swell Sixteen, and into even greater company. Some might say "esteemed" company. That's right: the Esteemed Eight.

Let's see the results!

History Region

#1 Leonardo 78, #5 Eleanor Roosevelt 71. This cat is unstoppable! His grasp of anything there is to know something about is truly amazing. Eleanor Roosevelt's a great competitor, but Leonardo... Damn. This guy does it all: artist, scientist, inventor.

#2 Teddy Roosevelt 81, #3 Horatio Nelson 79, OT. This was a very, very close one. TR gets the victory because Nelson had one great act, the Battle of Trafalgar. Admittedly, that was a pretty significant thing, but TR helped make America a strong country, got the Panama Canal built, and was an all-around bad-ass. Nelson was a rather sickly fellow. TR was too, but only in childhood.

So, the seeding holds true in the History Region. The last match is:

#1 Leonardo v. #2 Teddy Roosevelt

Legendary Figures Region

#4 Joan of Arc 88, #1 Babe Ruth 82. Oh nooo, the Babe takes a tumble! It seems his prodigious appetite finally caught up to him, and Joan's nimble moves were too much. I have to give this one to Joan of Arc for her not insignificant military moves and overall leadership potential. Unlike the Babe, she did not enjoy fart jokes.

#2 Davy Crockett 75, #11 William Wallace 70. Fer shame, Wallace's Cinderella run comes to an end. Both these guys fought for the independence of a country: Crockett for Texas and Wallace for Scotland. I guess you can say neither did too hot, as Texas soon joined the United States, and Scotland got itself conquered. Crockett, however, had a good overall run. They were making plays about him when he was alive! Crazy!

So, we have an interesting match in the Legendary Figures region:

#2 Davy Crockett v. #4 Joan of Arc

Click here for a PDF of the updated bracket.

Check back tomorrow for more exciting action!

Posted at 11:49 PM | Comments (0)

April 02, 2008

Miscellaneous Region, second round

Oh boy, it's time for the second round of the Miscellaneous Region... Who's gonna make it this time? Let's find out!

#1 Achilles 77, #8 Miley Cyrus 71. Sorry Hannah Montana fans (myself included), but Achilles takes this one. He's immortal, except for his heel. Miley seems to be invincible, except for her studio voice modulation technology.

#7 Crocodile Dundee 83, #2 Wilt Chamberlain 81. Oooh, an upset! Wilt, I think, was a pretty one dimensional guy. He played basketball really well... Actually, I guess he had another pretty good talent. But Mick Dundee is a man on a mission. If I was trapped in the jungle, I'd want Dundee with me. If I was involved in a life-or-death basketball game, then I guess I'd want Wilt.

#3 Keith Richards 73, #11 Babe the Pig 63. Keef is a little too powerful for our erstwhile pig. You can't kill Keith Richards. He's invincible. Keith Richards could probably eat 50 Babe the Pigs and all the cholesterol wouldn't kill him. Incredible.

#4 Kareem Abdul-Jabbar 89, #12 Young Einstein 78. Kareem fares a little better than Wilt. I liked Young Einstein and all, but Kareem dominated the basketball world. Inventing rock n roll is all well and good, but damn if that wasn't made up. Sorry, Yahoo Serious.

So, our Swell Sixteen matchups look like this:
#1 Achilles v. #4 Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
#3 Keith Richards v. #7 Crocodile Dundee

Posted at 06:35 PM | Comments (0)