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May 15, 2008
The ecstasy and the agony
Yesterday was pretty much one of the strangest days of my entire life, and probably not one I will soon forget.
It started off simple enough: I had been working on a take-home final for my estates class, and it was pure, unshakable horror. It was 20 pages, single-spaced. 8,000 words. I hated every minute of it. But I was finished with it. I emailed it to the professor, and breathed a sigh of relief: the remainder of my law school career boiled down to finishing one last assignment, which I planned to do today.
I celebrated with a leisurely lunch, and then made my way over to the doctor's office, where I had made an appointment for an annual checkup. It'd been awhile since I was at the doctor, so I figured I would go.
Most of the physical went fine, until the doctor did a test which was extremely painful. How painful was it? It was so painful I doubled over from the pain, and then I fainted. I should also mention this test required me to have my pants around my ankles.
The next thing I knew, I was being slapped by the doctor, laying on the floor with blood gushing out of my head. When I fainted, I banged my head on the exam table, and also scraped my arms and nose. Other people rushed into the room. It took me awhile to regain my senses, but I soon realized that I was surrounded by doctors, bleeding from a laceration on my head, all while wearing no pants.
After awhile, they propped me up and told me the paramedics were coming. I said, why do I need paramedics, I'm at the doctor's office. Nevertheless, the paramedics came and soon decided to take me to the hospital. I said my neck was hurting, so they put me in a neck brace to immobilize me. I was strapped into a chair, and they began to wheel me out to the ambulance. They took me through the waiting room, so every patient there could see the guy coming out of a routine physical exam in nothing but his underwear with a head wound.
If that wasn't embarrassing enough for me, the ambulance was parked on Fullerton, directly across the street from DePaul University. There I was, in a stretcher, with dozens of young women walking past me. I tried my best to play it cool, but really, how cool can you be in that situation?
Finally, I got to the ER, and the doctor asked me what happened. He looked like how George Clooney might look, if George Clooney was from India. After he asked me some questions, I was left sitting there for 45 minutes, staring at the ceiling and unable to move. I didn't even get a room or a curtain, I was on a gurney in a corridor.
When an orderly came by take my info, I made him give me my phone so I could at least talk to somebody while there. A "special friend" of mine came by to keep me company, and because she doesn't want to be mentioned on this here website, I will just say she was very helpful and thoughtful and otherwise kept me from going insane.
Anyway, here's what I looked like at about this time:
After about an hour of this, another doctor came by and felt my neck, and determined my vertebrae were just fine, and let me get rid of the neck brace. I had been hooked up to an IV, and naturally had to pee like a mofo. I asked Bollywood Clooney if I could use the restroom, and he told me where it was. Of course, it was way on the other side of the ER. I had to walk through the ER, still in a t-shirt and boxers, holding an IV bag with me as I walked.
About this time, a guy from radiology came by and said he was taking me for a CT scan. I'd had enough of this pantsless thing, so I said please let me put my jeans back on before I got anywhere. He obliged, and I felt much better now that I had my pants back.
The CT scan came back negative, so it was finally time for the nurse to clean my cut. She did this with gushing streams of water, which felt kind of nice but also got watery blood everywhere. Then the doctor came and stitched my head - I have five brand new stitches in my head and a swollen nose, just in time for graduation on Saturday! I also have an achy neck, which makes sleeping very difficult. I'm pretty loopy right now, and also hopped up on Vicodin. So if you ever want to send me one of those Nigerian bank account scams, this might be the best time.
This whole episode kind of gave me some perspective. Here I am, a fancy-pants almost law school graduate, getting rolled around on stretchers and left to sit in an emergency room without so much as a pair of jeans. It was pretty undignified, and reminded me I'm a person just like everyone else. Human bodies are fragile - all I did was hit my head on a table, and I'm a mess.
entry no. 1151
Posted at May 15, 2008 08:52 AM
Comments
That sucks, and is the most hilarious thing I've read all day. Glad you are okay, but what about the pain that caused this whole thing? What's the story with that? Do you have a bloated nut? anal fissure? Come on!
Congrats on almost being done with school by the way!! I've got 3 weeks left myself.
-G
Posted by: G at May 15, 2008 04:34 PM
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Best Osgood story ever!
Posted by: Candi at May 16, 2008 02:40 PM
Great story, but OMG. So glad you're okay. Congratulations on graduation!
Posted by: Marie at May 16, 2008 11:18 PM