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January 28, 2009

Crab-by!

And hey, if you think it's odd that some people lose their cool over karaoke, consider this: a man (okay, unknown suspect) slips on some ice. Some kids, in not the wisest move, heckle him. Hilarity ensues:

A man walking in the North Shore suburb slipped on the ice and fell. A group of people huddled together across the street laughed at his misfortune.

Then the man pulled a gun -- and started shooting.

"He obviously got ticked off,'' said Evanston Police Commander Tom Guenther.

The man fired six shots in all as the group of friends fled, but one of them was struck in the ankle, Guenther said. That 20-year-old victim was treated and released from a local hospital early Saturday morning.

The friends told police they did not know the gunman.

I would have liked to see that one on America's Funniest Home Videos!

Posted at 09:43 PM | Comments (0)

Karaoke kills

As a karaoke enthusiast myself, I know how annoying it can be. A particularly bad song is enough to ruin the evening, if only for the 3:38 it takes to get through "I Will Survive." Nevertheless, you have to be a real nut to allow karaoke to drive you to kill. Like this guy:

A gunman in Thailand shot-dead eight neighbours, including his brother-in-law, after tiring of their karaoke versions of popular songs, including John Denver’s Country Roads.

Weenus Chumkamnerd, 52, put his gun to the head of a respected female doctor and seven of her guests as they partied at her home in Songkhla Province, South Thailand.

"When I began shooting nobody pleaded for his life because they were all drunk," he said after his arrest.

He said he was so furious with their awful singing that he did not notice he had murdered his own brother-in-law.

"I warned these people about their noisy karaoke parties. I said if they carried on I would go down and shoot them. I had told them if I couldn’t talk sense into them I would come back and finish them off," he added.

Jesus, dude! Get some ear muffs.

Posted at 09:32 PM | Comments (0)

January 25, 2009

A burger tale

[Pic]

It's a true fact - I'm 1/4 Italian. More precisely, I'm 1/4 Sicilian. I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't fuck with me, I know people. Know of them, at least.

I'm also 1/2 Polish, but have the added benefit of being 1/4 English, which just happens to be the branch of my family that gives me my patrician last name, Mayflowerish roots, and haughty attitude.

So, when I try to expound on my love of spaghetti, gnocchi, and other pasta-based foods, I'm usually met with sneers of derision. Apparently I don't even know how to pronounce mozzarella correctly.

Nevertheless, I still have some Italian pride. So, when I found out a restaurant was using a certain slur for Italians to name a hamburger, I was interested:

The Blue Parrot in Louisville has a burger on its menu called the "Wopburger." To some, the name has a negative connotation, but to others, it's no big deal.

The Blue Parrot owners, Joe Colacci and Joan Riggins, said since the restaurant opened in 1919, it has never had a controversy quite like this.

However, despite the controversy, they said the name of the burger is going to stay.

An Italian-American customer argued that the name "Wopburger" was offensive and is an ethnic slur, while others said the complaints are political correctness gone too far.

Like I said, I'm 1/4 Italian. I can't say I've ever been called a wop or any other ethnic slur, Italian, Polish or otherwise. I have no real perspective on how damaging this word is, or ever was. But I find it hard to believe that Italian-Americans suffer from discrimination on a pervasive level. At one time, I certainly believe they did, but not anymore.

Why, then, are some Italian-Americans causing such a beef (zing!) over this hamburger? My best guess is that some honestly believe they have a bad reputation due to Mob movies and the poor nutrition qualities of Olive Garden, and they need to eliminate such images. But I don't know if it's a fight worth fighting.

As for the wopburger, since the story broke (this was in 2007, if you can believe that), it was removed from the menu, then reinstated. If I ever find myself in Louisville, Colorado, you can bet that I will proudly order myself a wopburger.

Posted at 10:21 PM | Comments (0)

January 24, 2009

Bookin' it

Pretty much everyone I know is on Facebook. It's no surprise, then, that people use the website to keep their friends updated on their lives. I've always felt, however, that really awful news should be disseminated in different ways. As this Onion article demonstrates, some news should not be broadcast on Facebook:

While checking his news feed for updates on the 438 people in his extended network Monday night, Tom Allessandro, 24, noticed that Facebook friend David Bluvband has apparently died. "Huh, I guess he's dead now," said Allessandro, adding that it seemed like only yesterday when Bluvband, a former coworker of his ex-girlfriend, posted a link to the YouTube clip of "Chocolate Rain." "Boy. That's a shame. Just goes to show you that you really have to enjoy every SuperPoke like it's your last." After an appropriate two-minute mourning period spent reviewing Bluvband's tagged photos, Allessandro clicked "Attending" for an event entitled "Lost My Cell Phone! I Need Your Numbers!!@!."

After all, you don't want to see "Bill was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer" between "Sarah is druuuuunk!" and "John got laid last night."

So, when an acquaintance of mine announced via Facebook that she had a miscarriage, my second reaction, after sadness, was "what the hell?" I know that if it wasn't for Facebook, I would never have known about the miscarriage - or about the original pregnancy. Nevertheless, I still think it's a strange place to deliver such news.

Any thoughts on this, dear readers?

Posted at 10:41 PM | Comments (0)

January 23, 2009

Say it ain't so, Yo (Yo)

As if messing up the oath of office wasn't enough, now comes word that world-renowned musicians and Yo-Yo Ma and Itzhak Perlman played along to a recording during President Obama's inauguration. Their excuse?

They're calling it the great musical cover-up, news that Yo-Yo Ma and Itzhak Perlman and the rest of their Inauguration Day ensemble pre-recorded their music for fear that cold temperatures would force their instruments out of tune.

Come on, Yo-Yo and Itzhak. They don't play classical music outside?

Posted at 11:45 AM | Comments (0)

Top 10 of 2008 - #3

Old 97's - Blame It On Gravity. Despite my previous proclamation that the best music came from the '60's, the Old 97's are squarely my favorite band. Their latest effort is a return to their pop-country-punk glory days, and I couldn't be more pleased. Front man Rhett Miller turns in some of his best songs in recent memory, be it a latino-infused rocker like "Dance With Me," or a swooner like "She Loves The Sunset."

Bassist Murry Hammond chips in his usual set of understated gems. Rhett is the undeniable star, but Murry is what makes the Old 97's the great band they are. I mean... God damn.

Posted at 12:11 AM | Comments (0)

January 22, 2009

Top 10 of 2008 - #4

The Black Hollies - Casting Shadows. I'll admit it - I'm one of those guys who thinks the best music was made sometime between the years 1960 and 1970. So, it's no surprise that the Black Hollies, an homage to mid-to-late 60's acts like The Zombies and... uh... The Hollies, made a CD that I enjoy.

The entire album is a look back at the psychedelic '60's, with another look towards the future. Sometimes, you don't need ground-breaking. I'm satisfied by someone who can take what is known to work, and make it work.

Posted at 11:46 PM | Comments (0)

Nice try, conservatives!

So, President Obama's inauguration went off without any major glitches. No crazies with hand grenades, or shoes, or anything else. But ol' Chief Justice of the United States John Roberts did his very best to scupper the proceedings. The conservative Chief Justice misread the oath of office:

On Tuesday Mr Roberts had made a clear mistake, rearranging the order of words in the phrase "... that I will faithfully execute the office of president of the United States".

Mr Obama spotted the blunder and waited for the judge to correct himself, which he did, putting "faithfully" in the right place but without repeating "execute".

But Mr Obama then repeated Mr Roberts' original, incorrect version.

Now, the Constitution specifically defines what the oath of office is supposed to be. There's plenty of yahoos who say Obama can't be president because of x, or y, or z. All they need is another thing - he didn't take the proper oath of office! So, better safe than sorry, right?

After the flub heard around the world, President Barack Obama has taken the oath of office. Again. Chief Justice John Roberts delivered the oath to Obama on Wednesday night at the White House — a rare do-over. The surprise moment came in response to Tuesday's much-noticed stumble, when Roberts got the words of the oath a little off, which prompted Obama to do so, too.

Don't worry, the White House says: Obama has still been president since noon on Inauguration Day.

Nevertheless, Obama and Roberts went through the drill again out of what White House counsel Greg Craig called "an abundance of caution."

This time, the scene was the White House Map Room in front of a small group of reporters, not the Capitol platform before the whole watching world.

But guess what? They didn't use a Bible this time! Now, there is no legal requirement to use a Bible, and several presidents did not use Bibles at their inaugurations.

Over-under on when a lawsuit will be filed about this: seven days.

Posted at 10:34 PM | Comments (0)

January 20, 2009

Bad idea

I was watching the inauguration ceremonies on CNN a little while ago, and they mentioned a most interesting thing: CNN had paid a satellite company to zoom over Washington, snap a picture of the National Mall from orbit, and send it to CNN. The idea was to show that so many people had gathered in Washington that they could be seen from space.

But I'm a little worried about this. After all the security preparations for the inauguration, you'd have to assume they thought of this. Couldn't some terrorist shoot a laser, from a satellite, onto the inauguration? I mean, didn't they see GoldenEye? Or Real Genius? Who is in charge of this stuff, anyway?

Way to go, CNN.

Posted at 11:42 AM | Comments (0)

Mmmm!

I took a trip to Manny's a few days ago, and they had the above sign posted. As much as I love pickled tongue, I was afraid to ask if they had any left. Do you think there is usually such a big rush for pickled tongue that they need a "first come first served" warning?

Posted at 11:18 AM | Comments (0)

January 17, 2009

Ain't no miracle

I've been thinking about this for awhile, and I don't think the plane that crashed into the Hudson was saved by a miracle. That's what NY Gov. Paterson calls it, and that's what the news media calls it.

I think it was no miracle. A miracle happens for unknowable, unexplainable reasons. Nobody can explain why a miracle happens, and there are very few of them.

There's one reason 155 people walked off that airplane yesterday, with few serious injuries. That reason in the pilot, a certain Mr. Chesley Sullenberger. This guy safely landed the plane in one of the world's busiest waterways, with both engines knocked out, and THEN he made sure everyone was off the plane before he left.

Pilots, especially those flying airplanes laden with people, must always be calm. Mr. Sullenberger kept his cool, surveyed the options, and made the right choice. To call it a miracle lessens his role in this.

Posted at 04:13 PM | Comments (0)

January 13, 2009

Top 10 of 2008 - #5

Wow, this top ten business is taking forever, isn't it?

Number 5 is Randy Newman, Harps and Angels. Newman is probably known to most people my age for movie songs, like rousing numbers from Toy Story, A Bug's Life, and other Pixar fare. It's not bad, but when one hears his non-movie stuff, it's a revelation.

Harps and Angels is his first original album in almost a decade, and it contains reams of his wit, observations, and thoughts about politics and life. For Bush-haters, it can't get much better than "A Few Words In Defense Of Our Country."

Posted at 11:05 PM | Comments (0)

Awww

The headline was one of those things you read and say, "whaa?" "Couple gets married at Taco Bell." I said to myself, this ought to be good. It worked for them, and was probably just as memorable, if not more memorable, than one of those ridiculous affairs where people (parents) drop $50,000 on the wedding. Congratulations to the couple, who get a big nod of approval from this particular wedding-hating person.

Caragh Brooks, dressed in a $15, hot pink dress, said her vows with Paul Brooks, who wore a lavender shirt and purple and magenta tie in honor of Taco Bell’s colors, in the dining area of the fast-food eatery at 1527 E. College Ave., Normal.

The entire wedding cost about $200.

“It’s appropriate,” the groom said of the Taco Bell choice. “It’s an off-beat relationship and we figured that would be off-beat.”

With several dozen invited guests in the room, the couple sat in a decorated booth with Ryan Green of Normal, a friend of theirs who became an ordained minister online. As Green, dressed in a T-shirt, officiated, they said the same vows.

Posted at 10:50 PM | Comments (0)

January 10, 2009

Are you smarter than Marshawn Lynch?

As you can see, according to an advertisement on the ESPN.com Buffalo Bills page, Marshawn Lynch has an IQ of 124.

Before you consider this as gospel, here is some other evidence. First, according to this page, Marshawn scored a 14 out of 50 on the Wonderlic test. The average person scored 24.

Think standardized tests are a joke? Here is a typical entry from Marshawn's blog:

yb i been thinkin these pass couple days bout dis chargers game cumming up dis weekend. im ready 2 hit dat field fast. i ben practicing hard beastin it out looking 4ward to trent pullin thru gettin bac active. we "da bills" took ah loss n arizona lookin pass dat getting ready 4 da next. lovin da fan attitude they holdin us down wining or losing and dats whats up!... feels good 2 be back n da yard again... holla bac and talk to yah boi.... gone fast like ah nass car. beaasssst mooooode!

What in the hell? Now, I don't think it's fair to equate poor grammatical skills (God I hope I don't misspell something in this entry) with lower intelligence, but it sure doesn't help. This chart suggests an IQ of 124 is significantly above-average. Yet I somehow don't think many people with an IQ of 124 write like this, even if it's in a blog entry or a text message. Show some dignity!

So, is Marshawn a genius in disguise? He's making millions of dollars from playing professional football, so he's definitely smart in that regards. Curious about whether this advertiser gave Marshawn an IQ test, I followed the link. The first question on their IQ test was, "How many sides are there to a pentagon?" The next was "How many standard time zones are there in the world?" I picked 24 as the answer, which would make sense, but I am 99% certain this is wrong. As you can see on this map, there are plenty of areas where the local time is one-half hour off Greenwich Mean Time, meaning there are more than 24 time zones. Never mind that god damn China messes the whole thing up by keeping the whole country on one standard time. Fucking communists.

I had had pretty much enough of the test at this point, so I left. It wasn't even an IQ test; more like a trivia contest.

Anyway, Marshawn, if you're reading, please tell Turk Schonert to run the damn ball more!

Posted at 05:26 PM | Comments (0)

January 07, 2009

How boys and girls are different

I was sitting at a restaurant the other day, when one of the waiters came up to me and told me how he liked my jacket. I said thanks, and told him where I got it and all that good stuff. It was one of the more awkward conversations in my life, because I can think of very few times when a fellow man has asked me where I got my clothes. Especially a stranger.

I think it's different when a friend asks me where I got something. Then it's considered acceptable. In my experience, such a request is usually followed by some kind of faux homoerotic moment, such as "I was just asking because they made your ass look sweet." I'm not sure how that makes it any better, though.

In contrast, I was out with some friends the other day when the waitress told a female in my group how great her shirt was. It was completely normal, and lacked any sort of guile. It's not like anyone goes out searching for approval from waitresses, but there it was.

I know why women ask each other where they got their clothes from, though. There's just so many options. 95% of the clothing stores in Chicago are for women, and in the stores where there are men's clothes, more than three-quarters of it is for women. That's okay, for it makes a man's job that much easier. If I admire another man's shirt, I can be pretty sure he got it at Macy's, Express, or Sears. That's where men shop. But women, there's a billion stores - without asking, it's hopeless. And that's why they ask.

Posted at 11:39 PM | Comments (0)

Not in my neighborhood

I left my house after one of the more recent snowfalls, to a most unusual sight: somebody had put "dibs" on The Spot. The Spot, of course, is the parking spot directly in front of my door. It is the most coveted of parking spots, for me at least. I suppose people who live at other houses covet the spots directly in front of their houses, as opposed to the spot directly in front of my house. Anyway.

Dibs is a controversial practice. I am not going to get into specifics about why it is bad, but the main point is that in my neighborhood, people don't dibs. I've lived in the same place for five years, and never have I seen a spot get dibs'ed. Thus, I was angry when I saw this wheelbarrow in a precious, open parking spot.

I decided that if it was still there in a few hours, I was going to get rid of it. I won't even let that crap exist in my neighborhood. I didn't care if I got confronted about it.

It turns out that the wheelbarrow was there because some workmen were delivering furniture and saved the space for their delivery truck. Although this isn't as bad as dibs, there is a certain etiquette about saving spaces: you only get so long to save it. If somebody comes by for your space, you had better produce the guy you are saving the spot for soon. I'm talking a matter of seconds here.

When I was younger, we were up at the Columbus Zoo. (Jack Hanna, holla!) Parking was scarce, and my mom had me lie down in a space and pretend I had fainted. It seemed like a good idea at the time, and although we got the spot, I had to act like I was woozy the rest of the time. (No, I don't know how I got to the space before the car I was riding in got to the space, either. But I swear this happened.)

Posted at 11:16 PM | Comments (0)

Top 10 of 2008 - #6

The Killers - Day and Age. The Killers, to me, are an enigmatic band. You have to take them not too seriously, but at the same time, completely buy into their message. I'm one of the few people who liked Sam's Town, their last album, and I verily enjoy this new one. It combines some of the glam elements of their first album, along with the Americana-inspired lyrics of Sam's Town.

There's still the odd sounds thrown in, like a saxophone or African-chanting, but it works. The Killers are one of the most deliberately bombastic bands on the circuit, and it's best to just lay back and enjoy the ride.

Posted at 11:12 PM | Comments (0)

January 02, 2009

Too many cameras make you go mad

I think digital cameras are great. No more is a person shackled with a roll of film, expensive development charges, and that horrible anticipation of waiting to see if your photos came out. (Chances are, they didn't.) I love my digital camera, and it's nice to know that even if I don't have the camera with me, my phone also packs one.

But there is a tragic side effect to this: every time something even remotely interesting happens, the scene turns into something worthy of the paparazzi. Every person with a camera suddenly has it out, and is jockeying for a position to get a good shot. Some of the things that inspire this are: a couple's first dance at their wedding; little Billy graduates from 4th grade; somebody does a keg stand; two girls make out or mud wrestle. Now, I don't blame people for wanting to document their lives, but it's disconcerting to see so many cameras for such trivial events.

For example, that is a picture of me in my robot costume for Halloween, playing Guitar Hero. How interesting is that? Not very, yet every person with a camera was trying to get a picture of the guy in the robot costume playing Guitar Hero.

An even worse offshoot of this is when a goofy moment happens, and then the photographer makes the participants redo the moment because he didn't get a picture the first time. Pretty soon, I might start to refuse to redo pictures. If you missed it the first time, too bad. Part of the way to getting a good photo is being in the right place at the right time.

Admittedly, some of the best pictures in history were staged like this, such as this one. Thankfully, other photos weren't staged, like this one... Or this one.

Posted at 06:14 PM | Comments (0)

Top 10 of 2008 - #7

The Gaslight Anthem - The '59 Sound. Hey there, team. Welcome to 2009, and what better way to start 2009 with #7 on the ol' best albums of 2008 list? Well, I can think of better ways, but I know you are all eager to see what's on the list.

The Gaslight Anthem come from New Jersey, which means, yes, they like Bruce Springsteen. This record is full of crunchy guitars, loud drums and wailed vocals about classic cars, getting old, and girls with tattoos. The songs work, because they don't merely imitate The Boss - they use his influence as a jumping off point.

Posted at 06:12 PM | Comments (0)