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March 31, 2009

My dating manifesto

I don't much like to talk about my personal life on here, in that most of you are not interested in it. Sure, I talk about things that happen to me, but rarely is this the type of confessional web site in which I talk about what it was like when my boss yelled at me, and oh what a bitch she is, and I hope she gets breast cancer. Note, this is not me, as my boss is a guy. Although I suppose a man can get breast cancer. I like him however, and don't want him to get breast cancer, or any cancer. Or any illness, for that matter. Unless it's mental illness that causes him to pay me seven figures a year.

Anyway, I had this lady I was seeing. (Hi S!) Then that ended, so now I am back trying to meet women, and take them on dates. Here's the problem. Now that we are living in this online world, with Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, blogs, LinkedIn, and all that other "networking" bullshit, the ability to connect with people is about eight billions time greater than it used to be. Now, most people, you want to connect with them. They're classmates, old friends, or other people of that ilk.

But you know whom I don't want to connect with? That girl I just went on a date with. It's almost a cliche now to Google your date. I'll admit to doing this. But that's where it ends. I don't want to be your Myspace friend. I'm not interested in reading your "Twenty things" meme on Facebook. And, whatever you think, no, I don't want to join your network on LinkedIn. Occasionally, a girl I've been seeing will add me on Myspace or Facebook, and I will reluctantly accept. But now, I think I am going to ignore all such requests.

Here's why. When I meet somebody, I don't want that person all up in my business. I don't want her seeing my pictures of that vacation I took with so-and-so, or my list of favorite movies, or all the raunchy comments my friends and I leave each other. I want that person to know what I tell her, and nothing else. When I'm ready to tell her something, then she'll know. Maybe this seems a bit combative, but I don't care. My personal life is personal, and I don't think it's appropriate to give a relative stranger unfettered access to it.

With the internet, more of my life story than I care to reveal is splayed right out there. And that's cool, usually, because the only people who can see it are my friends, to whom I have given access to said information. They can see pictures of me with, for example, a garbage can stuck on my head because they're my friends. I don't care about first impressions, because I've already made them.

But dates? Potential employers? They don't need to see that, and I don't want them to see that. That's why I keep all my "networking" sites private, and why I don't talk much about my personal life on here. It's just not worth it to me, for somebody to see something and then ask me about it later, as if it personally affected her.

Perhaps I'm wrong, but privacy seems to be how it worked in the olden days. Hell, that's how it worked ten years ago. Now, I refuse to submit to the tide of the internet. I'm keeping it that way. As Shrek would say, I'm like an onion. I have layers, people, and layers shouldn't be exposed all at once.

Now, maybe you're reading this article, because you met me and are now googling me. If so, welcome to my website. I hope you enjoy it. But if you want to be my Facebook friend, I'll probably ignore you. Sorry. I just met you, and if you want to find out more about me, you're more than welcome to ask. In person.

Posted at 10:05 PM | Comments (0)

March 30, 2009

Good times

Today I had a hearing in Rochester, which for those not in the know is about 70 miles east of Buffalo. I had my whole day planned... Hearing at 10, done at 11:30, lunch at Ted's at 12:30, a trip downtown to see the Aud one last time before it gets knocked down completely, work out, see my grandma, fly to Chicago.

As most of my plan's go, this one failed. But for once, it was not my fault. I arrived at the appointed time, met my client, and then we waited. And waited. And waited some more. Finally I found some other lawyers, who told me they were also scheduled for a 10 am hearing with the same judge. It turns out this particular judge likes to schedule all his hearings at once, and then just wham-bam them through.

More later, it's time for my flight! Long story short, I didn't get out of the hearing until 2, and then I had to go to the airport. Blah.

Posted at 05:12 PM | Comments (0)

March 28, 2009

I would love to know...

...What this is about:

foxy firemen who saved the day! - w4m - 31 (North Ave and Hoyne)




Thank guys. We were a little embarrassed but thanks for coming today to help! But I have to say we did enjoy your company.


xoxo

Posted at 05:29 PM | Comments (0)

March 27, 2009

Caught red-handed

The Calgary Flames have notoriously hardcore fans. Fanatics, some might even say. But one Flames fan in Columbus might have messed with the wrong people:

Peter Stenzel, 52, has been arrested and charged with inducing panic after placing at least three threatening phone calls to the Blue Jackets -- specifically goaltender Steve Mason during last night's win over Calgary.

How did they know it was Mr. Stenzel who made these calls? Well, in addition to his name showing up on the caller ID, he wears his heart on his sleeve:

According to the Columbus police report, Stenzel was wearing a Calgary Flames T-shirt when he was arrested at his residence in Columbus.

That is hi-larious.

Posted at 11:11 AM | Comments (0)

March 26, 2009

A most challenging puzzle

Here's a stumper for you. I've noticed a lot of people like to refer to the year by just the last two digits, as in, "The White Sox won the World Series in '05." They'll say it as Oh-Five. Or "I was born in '87." You get the drift.

But, it occurred to me, this isn't going to sound the same as when 2010 hits next year. Are people going to simply call it ten? Or oh-ten? Or is it ought-ten? Does anyone even care? "My grandson was born in '11" just doesn't sound right to me.

Speaking of the upcoming decade (holy shit!), I've noticed a lot of newscasters will refer to the year as, say, twenty-ten, as in, "Chicago is bidding for the twenty-sixteen Olympics." No! It's the two-thousand-and-sixteen Olympics, not twenty-sixteen, you dolts. I don't care if the former is an extra two syllables.

Hey, ever wonder why the word monosyllabic is so long? Sorry.

Finally, here is one skill that I will never understand. On the Today Show, there was an uber-talented child with a reputed IQ of 170. Of his many skills, you can give him a date and he will tell you what day of the week it was. Unfortunately, he was obviously flustered by the beauty of Ann Curry, because when she asked him what day of the week her birthday would be in 2011, he was a day off. Whoops!

I think I'm going to learn how to do that.

Posted at 10:55 AM | Comments (0)

March 25, 2009

Here's a surprise

The organizers of the South Side Irish Parade, better known as the time most people leave the North Side in school buses and get drunk then pee on someone's house, has been canceled. But the organizers won't say why they're canceling it:

Organizers of the South Side Irish St. Patrick's Day Parade on Western Avenue said today they would no longer hold the event "in its present form."

Mary Beth Sheehan, a spokeswoman for the parade, said the decision was not the result of any specific incident. She said, "It's a cumulative thing. We have a small, wonderful neighborhood here. Mashing 300,000 people in here is a little too much for this neighborhood."

Here's my favorite paragraph:

The parade, which went through the Beverly and Morgan Park neighborhoods on the Far South Side, started as about two dozen children marching a few blocks and has grown into a yearly event that draws hundreds of thousands of revelers from around the Chicago area, some drunk.

Some drunk? That's a bit liberal, I'd say. The one time I went, I was under the table by 11 am. Most of my colleagues were, as well. The Beverly neighborhood is probably not going to miss those drunken revelers, but I know who will: the bar owners on that stretch of Western Avenue, not to mention all the bar owners who rent buses to ship revelers down to the South Side. Pity you all!

Posted at 03:41 PM | Comments (0)

I'm a twit

For whatever reason, I've decided to hop on the ol' Twitter bandwagon. I have to say, dispensing bits of wisdom in 140 characters or less is an interesting way to communicate with people. First, 140 characters isn't much space, so I often have to pare away some of what I say.

But, the main thing is that I spend a lot of time going somewhere, or doing something, and otherwise being bored. A lot of times, one of my friends is the recipient of my boredom. Now, via the magic of Twitter, the whole world gets to share in the ecstasy. The only thing I probably will not say on there is where exactly I am, because frankly I don't want somebody seeing where I am on Twitter and coming to look for me. That's just weird.

If you want to follow me on Twitter, and I know you do, here's the link. Stalk away.

Posted at 12:31 PM | Comments (0)

March 24, 2009

Hi y'all

Tonight I'm in Louisville again, doing a case in the morning. I rented a car, a burnt orange Chevy HHR much like the one you see above. It is one the gaudiest cars I've ever driven.

Now, about fifteen years ago - the day of the famous May Day goal, in fact - my parents won a new car in a raffle. It turned out to be a Jeep Grand Cherokee, and it was a car I hated.

Why did I hate it? All the controls in it made no sense. Buttons weren't where I was used to them being. When I did find a button, it had a symbol on it that gave no clue as to what the button did. It had all these fancy indicators that cluttered the dashboard.

That's what I felt like driving the HHR today. Pulling out of the airport, I wanted to roll down the window. I spent about a minute feeling along the door, looking for the button. All I could find was the control that changed the mirrors. I was so flustered, I had to pull off the road to find the button. Know where it was? On the dashboard, next to the stereo. Who puts a button to control the windows there? Chevy, that's who.

Why you gotta be this way, Chevy? What possible advantage is there to this, and when is some poor schlub going to crash his car because the window button isn't where it's supposed to be?

Posted at 09:26 PM | Comments (1)

Bad PR for Wendy's

Wendy's is probably my favorite fast food chain. Part of it is because it's based in Columbus, and part of it was because Dave Thomas was just so damn cool. But they sure have some bad luck - for example, a few years ago they had a customer invent a story about finding a finger in her chili. This, however, is all true, and does not reflect well upon some employees:

Three Wendy's employees were fired after pubic hair was intentionally put on a hamburger served to a police officer.

Chief Deputy Kevin Cecil said two employees face misdemeanor charges in connection with the incident.

Deputies said 32-year-old Thomas Bender put the hair on the hamburger after being prompted by 20-year-old Joshua Monroe.

Blood and urine test results showed there were no diseases on the hair. If the samples had shown the men had any diseases, police said they could have charged them with felonies.

Dave Thomas, and his balding head, is surely rolling in his grave. God rest his poor soul!

Posted at 11:12 AM | Comments (0)

March 22, 2009

Why not take a vacation day?

Okay, so Dayton got smacked up in the NCAA tournament today by the Jayhawks of Kansas. Oh well. My job was to save us seats at Finley Dunnes, so I arrived there at 10:30 am for the 1:30 pm start. I got to read the whole newspaper.

Here's a disturbing fact I learned:

[T]here are some guys out there who actually were excused from work and ordered to stay on the couch with a cooler nearby.

Who are these lucky guys?

They are the clever ones, the men who put some thought into when they scheduled that not-often-discussed elective surgery, the "snip-snip." The vasectomy.

The NCAA tournament's first round, which features 32 games in two days, makes for great drama, great television and office pools. It also makes for a great time — perhaps the best of the year — to be sterilized. It's March soreness, baby.

And more guys are realizing it.

"I'm booked up," said Dr. J. Stephen Jones, chairman of regional urology at the Cleveland Clinic's Glickman Urological and Kidney Institute.

Wowsers. I suppose that if a man is dead-set on getting himself a vasectomy, there's a certain poetic justice to getting it scheduled on the day where it would be great to sit on a couch all day.

At the same time, I could see some schlub who decides to get himself a vasectomy so that he can watch the tournament. If there is such a guy, I hope he picks the right year to do it. I get the feeling that the "I can't come to work today boss, I'm getting a vasectomy" excuse works only once. In that way, it is much like the "my great aunt" died excuse. Use it once, and make it a good one, because your boss isn't going to get fooled twice.

Also, after reading this article, I will never look at a bag of frozen peas the same way again.

Posted at 08:33 PM | Comments (0)

March 20, 2009

Oh happy day

Yes! Our first NCAA win in 19 years. Now, bring on those stupid Jayhawks. Whatever that is.

Posted at 05:14 PM | Comments (0)

March 19, 2009

That didn't take long

Remember I said yesterday that somebody was bound to be PO'ed about Barack Obama's NCAA tournament picks? Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski, perhaps looking for a bit of gamesmanship, was the first to take the President to task:

"Somebody said that we're not in President Obama's Final Four, and as much as I respect what he's doing, really, the economy is something that he should focus on, probably more than the brackets," Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski said from the Blue Devils' first-round site in Greensboro, N.C.

Zing! In the meantime, Coach K ought to, you know, focus on Duke not choking again.

Posted at 04:10 PM | Comments (0)

March 18, 2009

Oh yes...

Now I know you have all been anxiously awaiting the Faux March Madness tournament. Guess what? It's back this year... Stay tuned for more information on that. Hopefully tomorrow!

Posted at 07:54 PM | Comments (0)

Barack-ball

What's causing the most controversy in the White House these days? Aside from that AIG business, I'd say it's President Obama's NCAA picks. This is a political minefield if there ever was one.

He's already pissed me off, for example, because he picked dear old Dayton to lose to West Virginia in the first round. Still bitter that McCain took that one, eh?

He's already created a nice red state-blue state schism by picking two of each for his Final Four, namely Pittsburgh, Memphis, North Carolina and Louisville. Don't you think Rahm Emanuel was whispering in his ear when he made these picks?

Aside from the risk of pissing off constituents, imagine if Obama's picks go horribly wrong. I'm no basketball expert, but I know this: it is virtually impossible to accurately predict the NCAA tournament. And it has nothing to do with being a good judge of basketball skills. The very nature of a one-game playoff, which each NCAA round essentially is, means that the "best" team isn't always going to win. Upsets happen all the time, because there's only one chance. No margin for error. Even basketball gurus routinely mess up their brackets.

So, for example, Obama has 5 seed Purdue going to the Sweet Sixteen. This isn't an overly wild prediction - 5 seeds make it that far all the time. But, what if Purdue gets knocked out in the first round by underdog Northern Iowa?

All of a sudden, Obama looks like a fool. Rush Limbaugh would be all over this. If Obama can't predict a basketball tournament, how can he steer the country in the right direction? I can see it now.

Posted at 07:52 PM | Comments (1)

March 13, 2009

The last word on T.O.

I am not sure who did the first version of this scene from Downfall (which is an excellent movie, by the by), but somebody has made a version of the highly controversial Terrell Owens signing. It would be just my luck that if Hitler liked football, he'd be a Bills fan. We might have won something in the 30's then, I suppose.

Anyway, here are some other uses of the scene, including a John McCain version, a Hillary Clinton version, and, of course, Hitler gets banned from Wikipedia.

Posted at 07:49 AM | Comments (0)

Spring break!!!!

So, the past few days I've been in Tampa for work. Good news, I won both my cases!

Anyhow, apparently I am staying in a hotel with a bunch of spring breakers, which brings me back to the good ole days. Why, *I* used to be one of those kids! Now I'm the old guy who is calling the front desk at midnight to have them tell the people at the pool to go inside. It's Wednesday for heaven's sake!

I didn't mind that much, until I rolled into the lobby this morning after a nice run along the bay. As I gathered up some breakfast goodies, one of the spring breakers came in, and he stunk to high heaven. Think about the worst-smelling homeless man you have ever encountered. It was something like that, but add in the fact that this guy also smelled like he had soiled himself. I also detected the faint odor of stale beer. And, he had a nice-looking girl with him! Some people never learn.

Say what you will about me, but when *I* get drunk, especially on spring break, I know certain rules. 1, take a shower periodically. 2, never, ever, poop your pants. Take note, kids. That's how you party.

Posted at 07:48 AM | Comments (0)

March 11, 2009

Why separate knob!?

I have a long and disastrous history with getting up in the morning. When I was younger, I would do stuff like put my alarm clock way across the room, so that I couldn't turn it off from bed. My mom used to send my dad into my room to sleep in my bed, so I couldn't get back in it after getting up to use the restroom.

But rarely do I have problems with the clock actually working Seinfeld fans will remember the episode with Jean-Paul Jean-Paul, the Caribbean runner who missed out on an Olympic medal because he overslept. The characters theorized about why he missed his alarm: accidentally setting it for PM instead of AM, overuse of the snooze, a plain ol' power outage. Instead, he had set the alarm to turn on the radio, but there was a separate knob for the radio volume, which he forgot to turn up. Good bye, Olympic glory!

At this point I would like to mention my older brother, who also uses a clock radio to get up in the morning. However, he turns the volume to the max, and then we he goes back to his own home, he forgets to turn the alarm off. So, periodically, when I am visiting my parents, I'll be jolted awake at 6 am by an alarm that nobody is using. I'd say it happens 75% of the time I am there.

Anyway, back to Jean-Paul. I discovered a new menace to alarm clock addicts: daylight saving time. Yes, today, I got up an hour late because I forgot to change my clock for DST. I didn't notice until about 15 minutes after I rose, when I went to the computer to check my email. It was such a rookie mistake, and entirely because I had been traveling the past few days and never got around to setting the clocks in my house. After a certain point, you just assume your clocks are set properly. Not so for me.

There are lessons to be learned from this. 1, don't schedule stuff early in the morning after DST. 2, don't travel during DST, because you will forget to set your clocks. 3, screw you, alarm clocks!

Posted at 09:03 AM | Comments (0)

March 09, 2009

A trip home

Work sent me to Columbus today, so naturally I turned it into a weekend jaunt home. The hearing office in Columbus is actually located in a building next to the beautiful Nationwide Arena, in a building with a Chipotle. Talk about urban camouflage.

Being at home, I saved my employer from having to pay for a rental car and other stuff, as I drove my brother's car when I was here. Know what sucks about driving someone else's car? Lack of music choices. I didn't bring any CD's with me, and the car does not have one of those fancy-pants iPod hookups.

Thus, I was stuck with Columbus radio. Not to disparage my home town, but Columbus radio blows. We used to have a great talk-radio station, but they abandoned local talk for a lineup of blowhard conservative talking heads. I know it brings in the ratings, but for Christ's sake, aren't there people who want to talk about something other than how Barack Obama is a socialist?

Columbus has some FM stations of note. There's the top-40 station, which seems to be on a constant rotation of Jason Mraz and five minute commercial breaks. There's the light adult contemporary station, which was either blasting Celine Dion or five minutes of commercials. And lots of country. Dear God, so much country. I don't know what it is about the stations in Columbus, but they seem to always be on lengthy commercial breaks. There also used to be a great "mix" station, but upon my return I learned that is has now switched to an all-sports format. An FM all-sports station? Who heard of such a thing!

There is one great station, and that is CD 101. It is more of an alternative station, in the vein of XRT here in Chicago. But here's how great my luck is: the CD 101 transmitter is not powerful enough to reach all the way down to Lancaster. W. T. F?

The lesson here is simple: bring your CD's with you, because you cannot trust the radio.

Posted at 03:36 PM | Comments (0)

Another from Flint

These arches line the bridge that leads into downtown Flint, lest you forget exactly where they are. I like these more than I like the Downtown Louisville trash cans.

Posted at 03:26 PM | Comments (0)

More from Flint

This was a cool little mural that was on one of the buildings in downtown Flint. Thoughtfully, nobody has graffitied it yet.

Posted at 03:24 PM | Comments (0)

Greetings. From Flint.

Dear readers, as you know, I spent last Thursday in Flint, Michigan. It was pretty awful in terms of working. First, I had to fly into the Detroit airport, which was a good 70 miles from Flint. My rental car cost $180, which is not too pleasing.

Then, the hearing I had to do was conducted via video teleconferencing, which means I sat in a room with my client as the judge looked at us from a TV screen. It's sort of like when Captain Kirk talks to a Klingon on the big screen in "Star Trek," except I can't shoot a photon torpedo at the judge. Essentially, I flew to Michigan to do a hearing over TV with a judge in Washington. That was sweet.

As for the hearing itself, it is the first one I've done where I didn't feel reasonably well about our chances of winning. All in all, it was kind of a wash.

As for Flint, the only thing I know about it comes from Michael Moore's muckraising. Roger & Me came out when Moore was still a relative unknown, and is therefore not as laced with some of Moore's wackier assertions. Nevertheless, even though the movie came out twenty years ago, I wasn't expecting much from Flint.

I can say that if Michael Moore hadn't made a movie about Flint that described it as a destitute, abandoned, burned-out pit of a city, a visitor to the place wouldn't be too worried about visiting. It reminds me of dozens of other Rust Belt cities that are struggling in this economy. Flint wasn't exactly prosperous, but it wasn't post-apocalyptic either. There was construction, and businesses, and conversions of old buildings into loft apartments, and parks, and other things you'd expect in a city.

However, the signs of urban decay are there. The picture above is a view of downtown from an abandoned lot. There were quite a few of those around the city, and they are problematic. But is Flint hopeless? I think not.

Posted at 03:23 PM | Comments (0)

March 07, 2009

Holy freaking hell

Oh my god oh my god oh my god.

I don't know whether to cheer or cry.

Posted at 07:41 PM | Comments (1)

March 06, 2009

Ahhh

Yesterday the ol' job took me to Flint, Michigan. (More on that later.) When I came back to Chicago last night, there was a distinct air of springtime in the air. The weather had gotten up to a balmy 60 degrees, and I sped home down Grand Avenue with my windows down. It was positively glorious.

This morning was similar - I got up early and went for a run through Lincoln Park. I always say that the pure misery of winter here is canceled out by days like this. However, I have learned to not get too excited. According to the weather forecast, we will soon be back to this.

Days like to today will become more frequent, despite the less-than-ideal predictions coming our way. I can wait a bit longer for spring. I have to.

Posted at 02:09 PM | Comments (1)

March 04, 2009

From the irony department

$20 says somebody uses this as justification for not installing a fire alarm in his house:

A faulty smoke detector sparked a fire that caused $175,000 damage to a Clarence home at about 4:45 p. m. Tuesday, Amherst Fire Control said.

The fire at 8895 County Road started shortly before 4:45 p. m. and was noted by a volunteer firefighter passing the scene.

Posted at 12:47 PM | Comments (0)

March 02, 2009

Happy day

Guess what day today is? That's right, it's Casimir Pulaski Day! Don't know who he is? 1, you are not from Chicago. Or, 2, you are not Polish. Pulaski is the Polish version of LaFayette, and clearly he is not as famous because Poland is the punching bag of history.

When I first moved to Chicago, I was flabbergasted. In my school job, I had the first Monday in March off from work, and I had no idea why. I'm still not entirely sure how Chicago was able to wrangle this extra day off*, but there it was. Unfortunately, outside the realm of government-sponsored hookie days, most people have to work. Like me. That blows.

* - Of course I know. Some lawmaker in Chicago or Cook County wanted to honor a famous Pole, as Chicago has more Poles than anywhere save for Warsaw. He suggested this holiday, and viola, we get an extra day off. Sadly, Casimir Pulaski will probably now join the ranks of people who are remembered mostly because their birthdays coincide with mattress sales.

Posted at 06:21 PM | Comments (0)

Fish = funny

Well friends, it's Lent here in Catholic land, which among other things, means you aren't supposed to eat meat on Fridays. McDonald's, I can only assume, has used this fact to have a sale on its strange Filet-o-Fish sandwich. I don't know what it is about McDonald's, but it just never occurs to me to get fish from there.

Anyway, they've debuted a new commercial. When it first aired, I found it horribly annoying. But now... I kind of enjoy it:

In an interesting twist of fate, another commercial had a similar effect. It also featured a talking fish, and the memorable line, "Real good Steve. Real good." I'm talking of course about Labatt Blue:

What's also interesting is that not only are these fish talking, they seem to be indifferent to the fact that they are both about to be eaten. So you see, these could both be entries in the delightful Suicide Food blog.

Posted at 06:05 PM | Comments (0)