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May 29, 2009

Good news, I suppose

Word on the street is the kid who got shot yesterday is fine - he was shot in the ass. Lots of famous people have been shot in the butt, like Alonzo on "Training Day" and Buck Compton in "Band of Brothers." So count yourself lucky, I suppose.

However, that evening, there was big ol' drive-by shooting, three blocks from where the shooting I saw happened:

The shooting happened as the five victims were standing outside near West 53rd and South Halsted Streets about 8:20 p.m. Police said the vehicle involved in the drive-by is described as a newer model, 4-door white Jeep Cherokee that left the scene westbound on 53rd.

The shooting appears to be gang related, although it is unknown if one or all of the victims were targeted, according to Chicago Police Public Affairs Officer Daniel O'Brien. Two handguns were used.

D-bags.

Posted at 10:15 AM | Comments (0)

May 28, 2009

Oh my

So, on Thursdays I volunteer at my friend's school on the south side, where I help coach kids at soccer. It's fun, we all get to run around, and I get to teach soccer to kids.

Today the whole thing fell apart. As we were standing in our field stretching, I saw two teenagers a little ways down walking around like they were up to no good. They then disappeared around the corner, and a few seconds later I heard two loud bangs - gunshots.

One of the kids then ran back from where he came, as all my kids looked around unsure about what to do. Finally we gathered everyone up and went inside as the police and an ambulance swooped in. All the adults at the school stood watch and got everyone inside, and as we were going in I could very clearly see somebody lying in the street. He wasn't moving, and I'm not really sure how he was.

What can you really do about it? The kids I coach are in second to fourth grade, young enough to not cause mischief but old enough to know what's going on. I know many of them are good kids, but some of them are going to end up in trouble. It's inevitable. When you have shootings in the neighborhood, across the street from a school, it's really hard to feel optimistic about the future.

I'm lucky. I can go run off to my apartment in Lincoln Park, but those kids are there all the time. They'd all heard gun shots before. They weren't surprised by it - angry and sad, but not surprised. I saw the same thing working with the public defender two summers ago. Count your blessings, is all I can say.

Posted at 03:31 PM | Comments (0)

Speaking of senior pranks

Whilst looking for "senior prank" pictures, I came across an entire set detailing one senior class's prank. I don't know much about pranking, but I'm pretty sure you shouldn't document the whole thing and then post it on the internet. I wonder what happened to that particular group of pranksters?

Posted at 03:29 PM | Comments (0)

Ah, high school

It's high school graduation season, which means it's high time for that noblest of traditions: the senior prank. As usual, free-spirited students clash with the stuffed-shirt administrators, who apparently exist only to stifle and punish.

First, seniors in dear old Lancaster were punished for a messy prank:

Police arrived at Lancaster High School, 1312 Granville Pike, and found plastic cutlery scattered over the campus and a car used by the school's automotive class that was pushed into a ditch. The incident occurred between 12:46 a.m. and 2:35 a.m. Wednesday. The pranks caused no damage, according to the police report.

"I've reviewed it, and from what I gather, there was no intent of any vandalism or damage," Lancaster High School Principal Steve Wigton said. "Other than the fact someone was going to have to clean up quite a few forks."

Of course, the ol' plastic cutlery prank. That's an interesting prank, but extremely difficult to clean up. It's also probably bad for the environment. I never quite approved of senior pranks that involved lots of litter, but whatever! Needless to say, the worst part of this is that they got caught. Come on, how do you get caught?

Anyway, if that prank was a mere nuisance, then the yearbook staff at New Trier High School is in some serious trouble for being "subversive." Check out what those rebels did:

A caper that put an unauthorized photo -- a snapshot of a girl holding a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon -- into the New Trier high school yearbook is being investigated by school officials.

The photo was not in the yearbook when the adviser cleared it for publication, indicating someone later sneaked the beer can shot into the layout, said school spokeswoman Laura Blair.

"It's clearly defiant and subversive and intentional," she said.

Whoah! Defiant, subversive, and intentional? Call the FBI! I just love that she called it subversive. Are we Footloose or something? I mean, I agree it's wrong to put alcoholic pictures in a yearbook, but to call it subversive? That's a little extreme. Better words: juvenile, inappropriate, stupid. But let's face it - seeing this picture isn't going to turn anyone into Janis Joplin.

I myself never attempted a senior prank. The closest I came was when one of my teachers gave me her car keys to get something out of the car. I seriously thought about taking the car and hiding it somewhere, but my goodie-two-shoes got the better of me. Also, I think it was a stick-shift, and nobody my age knows how to drive a stick.

Posted at 03:29 PM | Comments (0)

May 22, 2009

This isn't a bad idea or anything...

So, apparently an atheist organization bought some ads on the side of CTA buses:

"In the Beginning, Man Created God."

This provocative twist on the Bible's opening line was plastered on the side of 25 Chicago buses this week as part of an advertising crusade by the Indiana Atheist Bus Campaign.

I'm not a religious person, and would probably best describe myself as an agnostic. But if there's one thing I know, atheists aren't going to win any friends by suggesting their deepest-held beliefs are a sham. I mean, atheist bashing is way in vogue. Non-religious people are accused of being uncaring, unpassionate, and deceitful. Why, a person who doesn't believe in God must be an awful person.

This, of course, is nonsense. Atheists, I imagine, mirror the rest of society - some are great people, some are rotten. Just like you see rotten Jews or rotten Christians. But it seems to me this attitude is still somewhat prevalent. Even associating with atheists in a hot-button political issue.

So, for a group that needs to improve its public image, these kinds of ads are not going to help one bit. In fact, they'll probably be damaging.

Posted at 02:47 PM | Comments (0)

Bad luck Burris

I tell you what - stay away from Roland Burris. He's the opposite of King Midas. Everything he touches turns into a disaster. It's getting worse - his very presence is enough to cause trouble. I would be wary if he was next to me on an airplane:

U.S. Sen. Roland Burris and White House Social Secretary Desiree Rogers were on board a United Airlines flight that made an emergency landing in Pittsburgh this morning, Burris spokesman Jim O'Connor said.

Burris and Rogers were aboard United Flight 615 from Reagan National Airport in Washington, D.C., en route to Chicago's O'Hare International Airport when the plane lost hydraulic power, O'Connor said.

Posted at 01:19 PM | Comments (0)

May 21, 2009

Sick of spoilers

I've pretty much had it with people who don't want the ending to American Idol/Grey's Anatomy/The Bachelor spoiled. I get it - you Tivo'ed it, and you want to watch it later. However, the internet and the general media does not need to shut down because you want to wait to find out what happened.

As far as I am concerned, there should be no more than a 12 to 18 hour waiting period on spoilers. At that point, it's fair game. It's simple, really - if you record something to watch later, most everybody is going to know what happened.

This holds true especially for reality shows and sporting events. Both are broadcast live, with the result basically occurring in real time. I never understood how someone could record a sporting event, and then try to watch it later. Every time I've done it, I've gone on to look up the result before wasting my time watching. (Chances are, my team lost.) The same thing with reality shows - it's extremely hard for me to hold off on finding something out, if I know a way to learn it.

The same sort of thing goes with a scripted show - yes, you want to watch it later, but at the same time you can't expect everyone who saw it not to talk about it. It was on TV. You had an appointment, and you missed it. Again, 12 to 18 hours to find out.

Note this does not apply to movies. Movies are completely different. They are self-contained entities, operating outside the normal time continuum.

I'll never forget when "I Love The 90's" spoiled the ending of "Fight Club," without even bothering to warn me. That was not cool. Admittedly, I had fifteen years to see Fight Club, and hadn't yet, but it still stung. I was hoping that when I actually did watch it, I'd have forgotten the twist ending. Yeah right. Thanks VH1, you're great!

Posted at 10:35 PM | Comments (0)

May 20, 2009

Down with technology

Somebody had a little too much fun last night, and the Apple Store on Michigan Avenue was the victim. Apparently somebody threw a brick through the store's window:

A man who police said was drunk threw a brick and smashed the front window of the Apple Computer store at 679 N. Michigan Ave. Tuesday night, police said.

At about the same time, the same suspect broke a window within a few blocks away at the Rosebud on Rush restaurant, 720 N. Rush St., with what was believed to be a table, police said.

I do believe we have a picture of the suspect.

Not that I condone vandalism, but the Apple Store had it coming. I'll give Apple credit, because they make some great products - the iPod, for example - and Apple computers are nice and run well and all that. I may even get an iPhone if, as rumored, it comes out on Verizon.

Nevertheless, I do feel a little schadenfreude that this happened to the Apple Store. A goodly amount of Apple users, and the Apple company itself, are smug and smarmy. Their air of superiority over we pedestrian PC users in unmatched.

Oooh, I'm an Apple. Look at me. I've got shiny buttons and ergonomic controls and other sexy features. Do you know Apples don't get viruses? You're the aging, ironic hipster of computers, always willing to sit on a perch and lecture about how not only are you great, but that other guy sucks. Screw you and your oversized DJ headphones.

Speaking of hipsters, this is a great website to make fun of hipsters.

Posted at 09:09 AM | Comments (0)

May 19, 2009

I don't know about this

I'm kind of interested in the case of Daniel Hauser, the 13 year old boy who refuses to undergo chemotherapy for his highly treatable Hodgkin's lymphoma. His parents, who subscribe to the teachings of the Nemenhah Band, think that the chemotherapy will do more harm than good, and are seeking alternative remedies.

The state got involved, and a judge ordered that the state take custody of the son, and plans to order chemotherapy if it is necessary. When the mother and son failed to show up for a hearing, the judge issued an arrest warrant.

This is very interesting to me. First, it's extremely stupid to me that somebody would refuse a life-saving treatment like chemotherapy. God forbid, if something like this would happen to me or somebody I loved, I'd want to use all available treatments. But not these people. I understand the religious aspect of it, but it also seems ludicrous that somebody would refuse a treatment like that.

On the other hand, I also feel like the government shouldn't be getting involved in this. I always cast a weary eye at parents whose kids die because they think the kid will be healed with prayer. But here, we have a kid who is 13, and seems capable of making a rational choice. He says he doesn't want the treatment. His parents don't want the treatment. Why should the government step into this case, when people are making an informed, but incredibly dumb, choice?

Posted at 03:17 PM | Comments (0)

May 18, 2009

Ah, Detroit

Well folks, this has been a grueling two weeks or so. It began 14 days ago in Lansing, Michigan, and then took me to Indianapolis, Syracuse, Cleveland, Bourbonnais, and then Flint. Now, I am sitting in the Detroit airport, waiting for my flight home. But it's all good now, because I have no cases until June. I can finally catch up on some sorely needed sleep, housework, and general life-living. It's going to be great!

First on my list is Memorial Day. I'm running the Soldier Field Ten Mile race next Saturday, and I am hoping to at least do something like I did last year. Last year I churned out a 1:11, which was pretty decent for a guy who used to consider 9 minute miles fast. Two weeks away from traveling is surely going to replenish my soul - and running will make it even better!

Posted at 02:00 PM | Comments (0)

May 14, 2009

Gone baby dog

Another Chicago cop has run amok. This time, it's a K-9 officer, who is currently out joyriding:

Chicago Police canine handler took his Chicago Police cannine dog ‘BEAR” into the backyard for the dog relieve himself. Suddenly, a blast of thunder roared, scaring, startling the dog, at which time the dog quickly climbed a 5 foot fence fleeing east bound. Bear does have a microchip.
If anyone finds “BEAR” - immedatley notify Chicago Police at # 312-746-1780.

Cats, especially those who may be dealing catnip, are advised to stay alert. Also, please pay increased attention to your fire hydrants.

Posted at 12:46 PM | Comments (0)

May 13, 2009

Vindication

Whenever I see a Sherwin-Williams truck, I am reminded of a cartoon from the 30's I once saw of Hitler painting the world red. I used to read tons of World War II books (I still do, actually), and that cartoon always stuck with me. Virtually every bit of human knowledge is on the internet, but I could not find that cartoon.

Last weekend, I was at home visiting my parents, and I stumbled upon my old "Complete WWII Encyclopedia" set. I was convinced that it was in that set of books where I saw the Hitler cartoon. I thumbed through volumes I and II, and towards the end of volume II, there it was, in all its red-hued glory.

You can see why this cartoon had such a powerful effect on me. The muted shades, except for one brilliant red splotch of blood. So now, you see, that cartoon does exist. There it is.

I wonder if Sherwin-Williams knows about this?

Posted at 09:48 PM | Comments (0)

Amazin Amazon

I ordered a book from Amazon.com today, and it had been the first time I used Amazon in a long time. It was like looking into the past, because every address I've had in the past ten years is saved in my account information. The address of grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends and girlfriends are also in there. They're all people I have sent stuff to over the years, and they are all listed in my information. Some of them passed away years ago; others aren't in my life anymore.

It was strange and nostalgic. Sometimes seeing a name is all you need to bring back a flood of memories, like of my grandfather and his massive library. I don't even remember what book I sent him, but I'm sure he read it. He must have had a few thousand books, and I don't doubt that he read all of them.

On a side note, apparently there is an entire group on Flickr devoted to animals sleeping in amazon.com boxes.

Posted at 03:39 PM | Comments (0)

May 12, 2009

Trump trumps trampy past

I have been heartily amused by the Miss USA scandal, where Miss California, Carrie Prejean, fumbled away the crown because she told openly gay "celebrity" judge Perez Hilton that she didn't believe in gay marriage. Yes, I'm a gay marriage supporter, but I also don't think that should have been the criteria for selecting the winner, especially because the other contestants weren't asked such loaded questions.

Anyway, the latest is that Miss California posed for some racy photos a few years ago. Whatever, would say most people, except that is apparently against pageant rules. Now, not only would Miss California be the loser in the Miss USA pageant, she would also be at risk of losing her Miss California title, with whatever responsibilities and rewards come with it.

Never fear, though. Pageant owner and admirer of women, Donald Trump, allowed Miss California to keep her title. He used some unassailable logic:

"We are in the 21st century. We have determined the pictures taken are fine," he said, adding that "in some cases the pictures were lovely."

Oh, Donald. If he weren't a billionaire, he'd be one of the world's biggest pervs. I don't have any research handy, but I've noticed that Trump has no qualms about pointing out a woman's beauty. That's probably why I chuckled when I read this line:

Trump said he and other pageant officials had reviewed racy photos of Prejean and decided they were acceptable.

I bet he reviewed them, all right. He probably did so, with the lights off, glancing furtively over his shoulder to make sure his wife doesn't see what he's up to.

Posted at 02:54 PM | Comments (1)

May 08, 2009

Goodbye to all that

Hi everybody. Today I'm in Syracuse, waiting for my flight back to O'Hare. I expect to get home about 9 o'clock, and parking at 9 on a Friday night in Lincoln Park is usually somewhere between a root canal and prostate exam on the comfort level.

But guess what? Not for me! You see, next to my apartment, there's a house with a big driveway, and the owners rent out parking spaces in it. As my mind wandered yesterday, I thought to check Craigslist to see if there were any parking spots available on my block.

Fate was on my side that day - the people next door had posted an ad 15 minutes before advertising the availability of a space in that driveway. I about peed my pants with excitement. We exchanged e-mails, and the next thing I knew, I had put a check in the mail and found myself a parking spot next door to my house. I am extremely, extremely pleased at this development.

It will be bittersweet, however. There are certain things I'll miss about street parking. The sheer thrill of finding a coveted spot in front of my building. The adrenaline rush of executing a perfect parallel park as onlookers watch.

And that's about it. Parking on the street sucks. Yes, I won't be able to lay claim to awesome parallel parking skillz, but I'll also be less stressed out. I'll be able to take my car out on the weekends and at night, knowing I'll have a place to park when I get back. I won't have to worry about drunk drivers smashing up poor Yoshi. Nobody will give me a ticket for having a sticker on the wrong side of my windshield. I won't have to squeeze into a too-small spot. I won't have to climb out the passenger side of my car when I park at the spot where the curb is so high, my door won't open. All in all, this is a massive relief.

Posted at 04:25 PM | Comments (0)

May 07, 2009

Holy crap!

There was an interesting article in today's Tribune. Apparently there are only ten inspectors for the city's 20,000 or so elevators, and 70% of those elevators have not been inspected within the past year, as required by law. I can only assume this is because there's no patronage jobs City Hall can hand out for elevator inspections, like with the building inspectors.

Luckily, there's a lot of incentive for building owners to regulate the elevators themselves. An elevator-related lawsuit will be sure to hit them right in the wallet!

Anyhow, this is just another in a long line of stories about how little gets done in Chicago. Pot holes, anyone? But the real reason I wanted to write about this was because of this quote:

Upon hearing how many elevators weren't inspected in the past year, Craig Zomchek, business manager at Colley Elevator, said: "Holy crap!"

Whoah, that's some strong language! I wonder if that's what he really said, or it's an edited response. If that's what he really said, Colley Elevator is my new favorite elevator company. I didn't have one before, but you get the picture.

Crap is a great word, and sorely underused. It's not as versatile as its vulgar cousin, but in the right place, it can be quite hilarious. Kids from the '80's will undoubtedly remember the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. One of my favorite scenes is when Casey Jones is eating ice cream, and he drops it. What would you expect a rough and tumble, hockey-stick wielding, crime-fighting ruffian to say? In this PG movie, Casey Jones says "Oh crapola!"

Priceless.

Posted at 01:17 PM | Comments (0)

May 05, 2009

I know how to hail a cab, fools!

I'm becoming progressively more irritated with Chicago cab drivers. Maybe cabbies do this in other cities, I don't really know. However, here, I once heard there were too many licensed taxi cabs for the amount of demand (except for New Year's Eve and closing time in Wrigleyville), so taxis tend to jump at any chance they can get to pick up a passenger.

This has translated into one particularly annoying tendency: anytime I'm walking down the street, and I look around to see what's going on, some cabbie thinks I'm looking for a taxi and will start to blow his horn at me, as if to say, "I'm available!" Apart from the fact that if I wanted a taxi, I'd be, you know, hailing one, there are a dozen other taxis within my field of view. I can see you, idiots.

Lately, I've been dragging around a suitcase filled with a client's file, because it is too big to fit in any other bag. It looks like I'm going to the airport, which is like a jackpot for the cabbie. I now know what it feels like to be a pretty blonde, because every cab honks at me as I walk. And much like a pretty blonde would think, it is really f'ing annoying.

I guess this is like a taxi version of whoring yourself out. Taxis already have their version of the "red light district" in that any taxi available has a big light on top. Need the quick gratification of a taxi? Look for ones with the number lit, like in the picture.

But, like when times or slow for the red light workers, taxis sometimes have to turn to direct solicitation. The horn honk is the taxi version of the prostitute scene from Full Metal Jacket. The driver oughta just say, "Hey Joe, I take you wherever you want. Ten dollar. You want go Midway? I take you all the way!" That's what the horn honk says. It has to stop. It's unseemly. Show a little dignity, cab drivers.

[Side note: I'm not trying to ridicule cab drivers and their command of the English language or anything like that. I just happen to enjoy referencing Full Metal Jacket. I don't really know any other prostitution related quotes. I haven't even seen Pretty Woman. Anyway.]

Posted at 11:31 PM | Comments (0)

Flu'ed up

Greetings, people. Today I'm in Michigan. I had a case in Lansing, and now I'm sitting at the Detroit Airport waiting for my flight home.

I had a funny incident today. I was sitting in the hallway at the office, talking with my client, when the door swung open. A woman wearing a full-on face mask walked through, and she was pulling a tank of oxygen behind her. Two seconds later, her friend came through, also wearing a mask. They looked like firefighters, or people who were working with dangerous fumes... But they couldn't have been either, because they were older ladies in sweatpants.

I, my client, and another attorney who was passing through all looked at each other and said "Swine flu?" It was a funny moment, I think, not because it was a funny comment, because all three of us said it at once. Those poor ladies probably get that all the time, nowadays.

Posted at 03:49 PM | Comments (0)

May 04, 2009

R.I.P.

This is sad news. We here at the Squealer are die-hard Buffalo Bills fans, and we know Jack Kemp's name not just because he was a congressman, presidential candidate and vice president nominee. We know him because he led the Bills to back-to-back AFL Championships, then within one game of the first-ever Super Bowl. Jack Kemp. The name just oozes football.

As everyone knows by now, Kemp died last week at the age of 73. For me, it's always strange to see athletes laid low by old age and frailty. It happens to us all. If you can't admire Kemp for his athletic prowess, admire him for doing so much with his life after being an athlete.

Posted at 04:07 PM | Comments (0)