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July 29, 2009
But not this guy
You all know the Forbes lists. They pop up periodically on the Yahoo front page, touting headlines like "the most miserable cities," "cities on the verge of death," and "cities with the best job prospects." You get the picture. Now, these lists always have questionable methodology - for example, Chicago gets ranked as one of the most miserable cities due to taxes, traffic and the weather, yet makes no mention of all the things that make Chicago great, thereby negating the misery factor. Aside from that, they're plain irritating because they're presented in slideshow format. One entry per page, and then you have to click on the next button to load a whole new page, with ads and everything. It's a tedious thing to do for 100 words of drivel, when really you just want to see the ranking. I know it has to do with pageviews and ad placement, but it's f'ing annoying! And then, it's also set up to automatically go to the next page after 15 or so seconds, meaning that if you want to absorb any of what the words say, you won't have enough time. Again, annoying.
So today, I stupidly clicked on their link for "Best Cities For Singles." First, the list was 40 cities long - who got left off, Fargo? (By no means am I saying Fargo is a bad place for singles - oh wait, I am. Prove me wrong.) The alcoholism of your average Buffalonian came into play here, because the Queen City made #18 on the list, ahead of Miami. Yes, the average single lady would rather party on Chippewa than in South Beach, I'm sure.
By the time I got to the top 5, I was bored out of my mind. But then I saw #4, and I almost wet my pants. The best picture Forbes could find of singles living it up in Seattle was that jacknut on the Segway. Have I ever mentioned how I hate Segways? The average person has no business being on a Segway. It's only slightly faster than walking, you look like an idiot in your helmet, and you get none of the benefits of walking. Oh, and they're dangerous to the lowly pedestrians, who have no idea these machines are coming.
Every day I, as I come home from work, I see the Segway Tours rolling around Grant Park. I always get angry when I see these people. I understand the novelty of being on a Segway, but at some point I'd think the average person would say enough. It's lazy AND presumptuous. Look at me, I'm too good to walk among you serfs. Back to the fief! God.
Anyway, the Segway is not cool. It is impossible to look awesome on a Segway. As I said once before, Steve McQueen himself could roll up in a Segway, and he'd be ridiculed. Could you imagine him trying to jump that fence in The Great Escape on a Segway? Would Bullit use a Segway? No, he wouldn't. So, if the fellow in this picture is what your typical single Seattlean looks like, I ought to move there, because all of a sudden I'd be the Fresh Prince of the Emerald City to all these Carltons.
Posted at 05:39 PM | Comments (0)
July 28, 2009
How embarassing
Wheelchair, originally uploaded by yorgak.
Every now and then, you see a story of a would-be criminal getting foiled in humiliating fashion. Well, here's another one:
Luva Rhodes said she was sitting in her wheelchair outside her residential care facility when the man walked out from a corner and immediately tried to grab her purse.
Rhodes, who has congestive heart failure, said she had the purse's handle wrapped around her chair and she said the man was unable to yank the purse free.
She said she yelled at the man and swore at him before charging at him with her electric chair.
"(I) rammed him with my wheelchair a couple of times and he took off running," Rhodes said. "He ran like a little girl."
Whoah. So, not only did Ms. Rhodes stymie her attacker, she talked a little trash. Clearly this is not a woman to be trifled with, even if she happens to be in a wheelchair.
I don't know what pursesnatchers do in their spare time - probably share secrets and chit-chat on pursesnatcher message boards, presumably. The perpetrator of this crime, however, had better lay low for a bit, because he is sure to be the object of some deserved scorn.
It'd be something like this: Yo, did u hear abt da guy who got beat up by a lady in a wheelchair? LOLZ! Pwned!
(I'm really good at cyberlingo, as you can see.)
Posted at 04:32 PM | Comments (0)
July 23, 2009
Family trees
Tree, originally uploaded by Adnan Yahya.
A friend of mine has this roommate, who is rather unsavory... She's not a good friend, steals from her company, and lies to get out of work. She also happens to have a boyfriend who has rubbed me the wrong way on several occasions. First, he insulted my beloved 92 year old land lady, and then he ridiculed my friend's tailgate party after he invited them to it although they had nowhere else to go. As you might imagine, I don't have a favorable impression. I would be pleased if I didn't have to see either of them ever again.
Meanwhile, my grandpa's brother passed away a few years ago, and then the brother's wife, my great aunt, passed away last week. They were nice, gentle people, but people I rarely met. My parents went to the funeral in NE Ohio, where they met the grandson who happens to live in Chicago. The next day, there was another memorial service in Buffalo, where some more of my relatives, with my last name, were attending. They also met the grandson.
After awhile, they finally put two and two together: the grandson, who lives in Chicago, is the same person as my friend's roommate's boyfriend. This guy, who was rude to my landlady and many of my friends, is my god damn second cousin. Fortunately, he does not carry on the beloved Osgood name, but still - he's family now.
I do not know how to compute this. On the one hand, he's related to me. On the other hand, he's kind of a jerkwad. In his defense, he was drunk all these times he misbehaved; yet, when I and many other people get drunk, we don't behave like that. So it's really not that defensible.
I guess it could be worse, though. My family, for the most part, gets along. There's fights here and there, but we're all on speaking terms and get along when we come to visit. So maybe we were due for a little disharmony. I don't anticipate much of a problem - I mean, we share 1/4 of the same great-grandparents, which is a tenuous relationship. If he had sisters, which I don't really know if he does, I could legally marry one of them. I'm still displeased that we share a common ancestry, though.
Posted at 09:09 PM | Comments (0)
Modern day Robin Hood
"Public Enemies" set - The Biograph, originally uploaded by chicagoredhead.
So yesterday was the 75th anniversary of the day John Dillinger was shot to death in an alley outside the Biograph Theater here in Chicago. As I have no doubt mentioned, I live a few blocks from this site, and often pass by the alley on my daily bidness.
Thus, I have come to know the John Dillinger Died For You Society, a group which has a gathering every year to mark the outlaw's death. I saw them a few years ago, when a small gathering listened as the narrator praised Dillinger as a folk hero, a 20th-century Robin Hood, and a victim of an overzealous FBI. The man even suggested he was assassinated by the FBI.
This year, the gathering was huge. Spilling onto the street huge. Undoubtedly this is because it's the 75th anniversary, and the Johnny Depp movie Public Enemies spotlights Dillinger's life. It's a cool little thing, and an interesting part of Chicago history. As you might have guessed, Dillinger's ghost might be haunting the alley, too.
I stopped and listened for awhile, as a bagpiper played Amazing Grace, and then the same narrator as before launched into his Dillinger speech.
It's slightly perturbing to me that Dillinger is extolled as a folk hero. There's the common sentiment that people during the Depression lived vicariously through the men who robbed banks. After all, these people were victimizing the corporations that foreclosed their homes, took their jobs, and left them penniless. I can only imagine what the outrage at banks was like back then - probably as bad as it is nowadays, if not worse.
But it's not like Dillinger was an angel. He was a criminal. He broke out of jails. He, or his associates, murdered people. Shot up towns. He was probably going to shoot somebody during his escape from the Biograph if he hadn't been shot first. Bank robbing is not a pleasant profession, and Dillinger was not a noble beast.
His exploits, while interesting and fascinating, do not strike me as something that should be celebrated. Yet, yesterday we had a few hundred people listening to a guy who did just that. That's the kind of stuff a bad economy will do to a man, I guess.
Posted at 03:07 PM | Comments (0)
July 16, 2009
Just not the same
But, you see, I erred there. It's no longer called the Sears Tower. From now on, it is the Willis Tower, named for a British insurance corporation which leased three floors in the building. In return for the lease, they got to rename the building. Mayor Daley, with his unique eloquence, defended the move:
What's in a name?
Not much, Mayor Richard Daley said today after Chicago's tallest building was officially renamed from Sears Tower to Willis Tower.
Asked if he would call the building "Big Willie," as the CEO of Willis Group Holding has joked, Daley said, "'Big Willie', Willis Tower, yeah. You know why? Because they stepped up to the plate."
"There has to be change in government and business," the mayor said. "and you have to realize that change is good."
You know what? I don't care. Sears Tower, Willis Tower, same to me. I'll still call it Sears Tower, until I switch to Willis, which will happen, at some point. I'm not sure this is a monumental as when Marshall Field's lost out to Macy's, but I will admit Willis Tower doesn't roll off the tongue quite like Sears Tower.
Posted at 02:00 PM | Comments (0)
Damn right
I had some interesting travels this week... Sunday night, I flew to Washington, rented a car, and headed out to Cumberland, Maryland. Cumberland is nestled in the Appalachians, near West Virginia. Some might call it God's country, and they'd be right.I had the good fortune to arrive there around 8 o'clock at night, when most God-fearing cities shut down. Nothing was open - in fact, all I found to eat was a Chinese buffet. It is truly amazing to me that you can go nearly anywhere in the United States, and there is going to be a Chinese restaurant, manned my actual Chinese people - not that Panda Express shit.
Meanwhile, the TSA took my toothpaste, so I went about trying to find a store to get some. Being in sort-of the south, I asked some locals if there was a Wal-Mart anywhere. It was ten miles away, but there was a supermarket, which I spent 45 minutes trying to find. It was worth it, though.
On my way back, I intended to stop at Harper's Ferry, the location of John Brown's raid. I got delayed, so I wasn't able to, but I did see that truck at a rest area. I'm amused that taking Jesus' name in vain is wrong, but it's perfectly acceptable to put it on the side of a semi-truck. It's sort of like the American flag shirt: I know you're trying to show pride, but it's also sullying the thing.
Posted at 01:50 PM | Comments (0)
July 09, 2009
Truly blessed
So the other day I was down in Florida for work. It wasn't quite as unbearably hot as my trip to Memphis, where it was so hot I couldn't drive with the top down on my convertible. That was also the night I left the hotel, got a 24-oz can of beer - or as I call it, a Manny - and chugged it.
Anyway, I settled into my seat and eventually a young woman about my age sat next to me. I said, yes! Finally a cute girl! Very rarely does anyone pretty sit next to me. Usually it's a chunky old guy. I'm starting to wonder if it's me. Anyway, I was ready to bask in the reflected glory of being next to an attractive person, but it was false hope. As they say, the lord works in mysterious ways, and so it did this time.
About 45 minutes after takeoff, the woman started asking me what I was doing in Florida. I told her I was a lawyer, and I was down there for a case. Then I asked her what she did, and she was a minister. She then launched into her spiel: "I've been blessed by the Lord. I talk to God. He told me to tell you you need to sleep more. [Me: I know. But I really wanted to say, geez, you don't have to be omniscient and omnipotent to know I need more sleep.] He also says your knees are going to be fine." I nodded, most of the time, and then she asked if she could anoint my feet. This was odd, but I said okay. This continued for a bit, and then she anointed my arms.
Finally, she got distracted, and I popped "The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada" into my laptop. And so she turned to my seatmate to anoint his feet.
Posted at 03:16 PM | Comments (0)
July 01, 2009
Sigh
Domino's Pizza, originally uploaded by bettybl.
I've been seeing commercials on TV lately for a new promotion by Domino's pizza: "city pizzas," which are limited-edition pizzas meant to reflect the culinary tradition of certain regions. So, we have a Philly Cheese Steak pizza, a Memphis BBQ pizza, and a Hawaiian pizza with pineapples and ham. After seeing these commercials, I had to go check to see if the obvious was there: a Buffalo pizza.
Would you believe it, there is? The Buffalo pizza, as far as I can tell, is a chicken pizza with buffalo wing sauce on it. All I can really say is, WTF? Contrary to popular belief, Buffalonians do not put chicken wing sauce on every item of food they consume. And a pizza with buffalo chicken on it is not a Buffalo pizza, just like a pizza with steak, onions and peppers is not a Philadelphia pizza.
Buffalo pizza is actually a thing of beauty. It's like a slice of New York pizza, but slightly thicker. A true Buffalo pizza is sliced in squares, and has cheese that bubbles just a little bit. Maybe I'm biased, but it's the best pizza in the world. I once read something where the author suggested Buffalo pizza is a hybrid of New York and Chicago pizza, seeing as Buffalo is between the two. But honestly, that makes no sense to me at all. Whatever its origins, I do know this: it doesn't have god damn authentic Anchor Bar sauce on it.
Domino's isn't the only national chain to make this idiotic link between wing sauce and non-chicken foods. I give you America's Dog, which offers this "Buffalo hot dog":
Buffalo Dog
Buffalo sauce, bleu cheese & celery salt.
Dear God. Really? I've reminisced about my love of hot dogs in the past, and it begins and ends with Ted's. And again, there is no wing sauce to be found.
I really don't know what else to say. Domino's? You suck. America's Dog? Get a clue. BW-3? You got it right.
Posted at 09:38 PM | Comments (0)