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August 20, 2010
Fantastic
Fantasy Football - 9.20.2009, originally uploaded by macbooknovice.
The big glaring headline on Yahoo right now is "Top 5 Fantasy Football Mistakes." I clicked on it, only to mock it. I have yet to read it, because I do not play fantasy football. I am certain I have written on here before of my distaste for fantasy sports - my heart, tattered as it may be, belongs only to the gentleman currently wearing the red, white and blue of the Buffalo Bills. I have no interest in cheering for anyone else.
So, in honor of the Top 5 mistakes list, here is my list of the most annoying things about fantasy football.
5 - Fantasy football magazines. Do I really need an entire magazine to tell me which players are bound for a breakout year? More importantly, after a century and a half, more or less, of organized sports, isn't it fair to say predictions are almost always wrong?
4 - Your stupid fantasy football draft. I love getting together with the guys and getting rip-roaring drunk just as much as the next guy. Regretfully, it doesn't happen as much as I used to. But a bunch of dudes, sitting together for 8 hours as each one methodically picks their dream team, is not the way to do it, because you know there will always be one guy who is a slavedriver and will pee his pants with rage if people don't abide by the tentatively set ground rules. Why not get a case and watch football, you knuckleheads?
3 - Scoreboard tickers. Hey, ESPN, tell me the score. I don't want to wait fifteen minutes for the ticker at the bottom of the screen to go through every NFL score because I have to know that Elvis Grbac was 2 for 4 with 12 yards and an interception, and how St. Louis' outside linebacker has 0.5 tackles. Jesus Christ, just give me the damn score, I don't have all day!
2 - Conflicts of interest. As I mentioned, I hate the idea that somebody who is playing against the Bills needs to have a big day in order for my fantasy football team to win. It would not cheer me up for the Bills to lose by a last-second field goal, if said field goal was kicked by my fantasy team's kicker, enabling the fantasy team to win. Talk about a hollow victory.
1 - You telling me about your fantasy team. I used to go to this bar to watch football on Sundays, and there was always a guy who sat, by himself, with a laptop monitoring the stats of his fantasy players. Everytime one of them scored some points, he would turn to the nearest guy and tell him what happened. Or, I'd be in an elevator, and somebody would be telling his coworker how his fantasy team did over the weekend. News flash: I don't freaking care. Nobody cares. The only people who care are the ones in your league, and then probably half of them don't really care anymore because they are at the bottom of the standings and have no hope. Just take your damn laptop home, and watch some football. Gah!!
entry no. 1502
Posted at August 20, 2010 03:19 PM